After writing my post on why straight men need to open up to anal play, I may have bypassed a very valid point. Some women have the exact same hang-ups when it comes to p-spot stimulation.
The reasons for the female 'ick factor' can range from the stigma of "oh my god, my man wants me to play with his ass, he must be gay" to "omg, men's asses are disgusting".
The first point is definitely an inaccuracy, and we'll optimistically assume that your man is acquainted with hygiene, so that renders them both false.
I always advocate communication between couples, which includes what you like and don't like in the bedroom.
Turning your ass to her and hoping she gets the message may not work. Some women are trained to believe that the back-door is off-limits, and especially if that woman prefers hers to be off-limits.
In your case, it appears that she enjoys anal stimulation, so the issue may be more psychological.
During foreplay, you should be able to communicate verbally with her or use dirty-talk to steer the action. The easiest thing would be to just guide her hand there while she is sucking you off and murmur in the heat of ecstasy "mmm.... slide your finger in there."
If sex is a silent occasion for you, then you could bring this up in a matter-of-fact way by educating her about the p-spot. Many women don't even know what this is or why men should naturally find this kind of stimulation pleasurable. You can do this either through conversation, or perhaps watching a "better sex video" with her on p-spot stimulation, or you can even bring up the health benefits.
If she knows for sure that you are not only open to having your ass played with, but that you actually desire it, she will probably be happy to oblige you. Getting over her initial uncertainty is the biggest hurdle.
Players come in all ages, shapes and sizes.
Sometimes people assume that our "mating and dating rules and strategies" for getting what we want starts to settle down once we're out our twenties. We decide that men and woman who are players suffer from a lack of maturity, and like a puppy, once life experience comes into play and the need to "sow the wild oats" starts to settle, men and woman will behave like respectful adults when it comes to their relationships with others.
Wrong.
The sex drive is so strong and innate in us that it never completely fades away.
With divorce always on the rise and some people choosing not to marry or have children, people are single much later in life. The game playing can be exhausting and frustrating, but it's still a very real phenomenon, especially if the person was successful as a player in their early years. People default to behaviour that they are used to and that works for them.
As people get older, the opportunities to meet viable mates becomes like a shallow wading pool, unless perhaps you live in a big city or are very active on the social scene. Sometimes people are more prone (ie. desperate) to want to believe that the person they are crushing on is being genuine. After all, how many other prospects are there in the bullpen at any given time?
My advice for singles is as follows:
Even if you are fixating on one person in particular (and there are no others potential mates in the immediate vicinity), it's important to maintain A LIFE. Yes, that's right. Be independent. Do not project your romantic ideals onto this person and ignore all the red flags because the euphoric high of love and lust has hit you like a street junkie desperate for another hit. It's easy to delude ourselves to keep the momentum going. Quite often, we actually are consciously aware of our choices to ignore the red flags. It's amazing how they always seemed so obvious to us after the relationship goes to hell, right?
If someone is in the middle of the relationship thrill and the fuzzy-love addiction and feels that they can't be objective in their assessment, it's a great idea to seek the advice of a friend, especially another guy who can 'tell it like it is'. And make sure that you make this friend aware that you will accept their opinions regardless of what they might be so that they aren't spoon-feeding you what you want to hear. Everyone needs a reality check sometimes. How many times do you hear mournful broken-hearted people crying "I should have seen this coming".... or "I always suspected he was a player but..."
Women (and men) should remember to use logic and judgement in the dating game. And as WellMadeMale said, it's better to communicate if you have concerns rather than give the benefit of the doubt all the time.
Follow your heart, but use your head!
This kind of reluctance fantasy is very common with women. Some women, especially those that are used to having to be in control during their non-sexual life, relish the idea of losing control and being dominated, especially in an expected way. Now this doesn't mean that your wife actually would ever want to "really" have her hand forced when it comes to sex, but this kind of reluctance role-play is definitely very normal.
The real question is... does it excite you?
Window repairs, stitches in your hand and the cops showing up at your house with tasers drawn probably don't really signal a boner-alert for you. It appears that you need to have a conversation with your wife about how often she wants to indulge this kind of role play. Compromise is in order, especially if this is not really something that you enjoy on the same level.
Maybe you can just do it on special occasions and she can leave the front door open. As others have already wisely suggested, come inside very quietly and pull the balaclava over your face after you've entered the house. Then have a cheap glass vase in a plastic bag ready and stomp on it with your boot after you've entered the house. She'll get the illusion of breaking glass and burglar-mayhem, and you can save on window repairs.
Most female reluctance fantasies are focused more on how the man acts during the role-play and less on the special effects.
The key is to enjoy role-play but keep potential financial costs and jail time to a minimum!
Dear Magical_felix,
Yes, I know those girls (and guys). I think it's natural that we all want attention and validation, even from our platonic friends. Women might dress and flirt and enjoy knowing that she's making her friend-zone boy drool into his Heineken as he watches her on the dance floor, grooving like a stripper without a pole, maybe even winking at him for added effect.
It can be a bit of a cock tease, right?
Some women are flirty and as you wisely noticed, they like to play games and fish for compliments and attention.
One easy way to figure out her true intentions is to call her on it. If she teasingly says "God, if you were my man tonight, we'd have so much fun," then say something playful like "Ok, I'll be your man tonight. What's on the menu?" Calling her on the bluff is the fastest way to figure out how she really feels. If her smile fades when she realizes that you're serious and she says "damn Felix, I was just kidding with you," then you know she is all talk, no action.
I have a lovely friend that is a notorious cock-tease. She will flirt and push the innuendos all day long because it's a bit of a power and ego trip for her. But when someone actually calls her on it, or steps up to the plate, she freezes like a deer caught in the headlights and runs away.
My advice: call her bluff and see how she responds.
She might just be a tease, but she might also be wanting to move things into the 'fuckbuddy zone' or 'friends with benefits zone'. If you are both fun, open-minded and equally attractive people, this can be a great zone to play in.
Olivia xxx
Sometimes guys don't know when they are in the Friend Zone, so they are more likely to initiate those awkward moments.
Here are some helpful hints!
How to know if you are in the Friend Zone!
She starts asking your advice on other dudes and wants your help with decoding their real intentions. In other words, you are her "bro-translator" when it comes to guys that she actually likes!
When you are out at the bar with her, she is on the prowl for other guys and entertains their advances while you buy her drinks and watch her purse while she's on the dance floor grinding with them.
You are willing to do things that no other guys will do... like take salsa dancing lessons with her.
She invites you out to group activities sporadicly OR on those nights were she doesn't want to deal with other guys. You are her 'fake boyfriend' or wing-man that will go with her to those parties nobody else wants to be bothered with.
You are on-call as her 'date' for boring things like weddings, funerals and broadway musicals.
She invites you over (usually on a Sunday or Monday night) when she's exhausted from her weekend fuck-fest with other dudes and she just wants to chill out and play scrabble or watch Harry Potter.
You are that friend that comes with non-sexual benefits like a big-screen TV, a yacht, or a time-share in Aruba. OR you can fix things like her computer or sound-system and know how to install her new kitchen sink or fancy tiled backsplash. If her calls usually begin with "Hey Toby, do you wanna come by my place tonight. I can make chilli for dinner and then maybe you can help me with XYZ", you are in the Friend Zone!
I received this message for advice so I'm posting it anonymously here, because this is a problem that seems to put people into a spin quite often. The more people that can benefit from this advice, the better.
"I like this girl but I'm not sure how she feels about me and she knows i like her. Should i move on since I am not sure if she is interested in me?"
What we have here is a classic "Friend Zone" situation.
The short answer is yes, please move on. If a girl knows how you feel about her, and she is not addressing the situation or reciprocating with a "omg, I've been secretly crushing on you too!" response, then she is not interested in you!
I'll say it one more time, broken down, because this seems to be the statement that often results in people finding a million excuses to explain it away because your case is special and that people just don't get how 'unique' your particular relationship is: She. Is. Not. Interested.
The reason I am so certain of this is because when you find out (or even suspect) that the person you like definitely feels something for you, you aren't going to do the evasive 'buddy dodge' and waste time pretending to be platonic friends.
Women tend to really love having male friends in general. It can be refreshing to not constantly be around estrogen all the time. Sometimes they even lightly flirt with them because women enjoy attention and playful banter.
Some men take flirting very literally. Their friend Lucy might say "hey! sexy shirt... you're lookin' hot tonight, Toby!" one night at the bar. What Toby might hear can range from "I want to suck your dick" to "I want to marry you and have your babies." Lucy on the other hand was just casually bantering and indulging in some attention seeking behaviour. Every woman wants to imagine that all her male friends lust for her. This doesn't mean that she ever wants them to act on it.
Which brings us to the Awkward Moment:
You have confessed your feelings for your opposite sex friend. Perhaps you initiated a heartfelt conversation while driving in the car one evening as the sun set and Celine Dion played on the radio (this happened to me once). Or maybe it was a drunken text you ended up sending late one night. Or a slurred confession in the corner of the bar while she sipped her drink and prayed for an intervention to save you both from that moment you just can't really take back once it's all out in the open.
IF after confessing your feelings, this person changes the subject, ignores what you said, reiterates what a great person you are and how much they care about you as 'friend', suggests they set you up with someone else who would be 'perfect for you', or laughs it off and starts talking about what round of drinks to buy next... They are not interested!
Do not be misguided and start thinking they will change their minds later, or that if you continue being their BFF that they will see the light one day and realize that you are the man for them. And especially, please do not consider increasing your romantic overtures with a 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try again!' mentality.
Move on from this person. I know it's not easy when you have feelings for someone, but unless you want to ruin your friendship completely or entertain even more awkwardness, then it's best to accept that you are not fated to be together.
IF, by some anomaly of the typical friend zone rules, she does develop feelings for you much later on, let her come to you. Don't be the doormat waiting in the wings. In fact, it's common knowledge that when you move on and start pursuing other girls, the original object of your affections may start to get those first inklings of jealousy and wonder what they might have missed out on.
Dear Cam,
You've asked two very good questions that both stem off the social pressure of men to be the aggressors and seducers when it comes to dating and hooking up.
Your first question is about how to avoid slipping into the friend zone while at the same time not appearing like a total creeper or sleazebag by coming on too strong too fast. The best advice I can give without using a microphone with which I can pitch you interesting dialogue cues is to use a bit of flirty humour with a girl. It's a rare man who can walk into a room, cast his gaze on a woman and know all the right lines and moves required to inspire a puddle of juices in her panties. When men like George Clooney and James Bond set their sights on a woman, she is never going to inadvertently give them a pass into the friend-zone. But those types of guys are advanced charmers, so let's fall back to the basics.
Eye Contact Made, Signal Received
A girl probably knows within a couple of minutes if she's interested in getting to know you better (in a romantic/sexual way). Most of the time she is going off initial physical attraction. If you get past this gate, then you get your chance to make your pitch. If she's already interested, then your pitch actually doesn't have to that awe-inspiring. Most women respond better to a man that isn't putting on an obvious show. Now in the case of the girl in the cafe that you were sharing mutual flirty glances with, really all you have to do is make the approach. If you feel a bit awkward with social introductions, you can always default to the "I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Cam"... If she has already been sending you signals, she's going to welcome your approach regardless of what you mumble as the first sentence.
Still Feeling Invisible?
If you're uncertain about whether a girl has even noticed that you exist but you've been secretly ogling her from behind your latte and magazine and you feel you have a chance, then walk up to where she's sitting and find something neutral that you can comment on (if you can find a way to weave a bit of humour into it, even better). This can range from commenting on what she's drinking (if it involves whipped cream or chocolate shavings, you can comment on how decadent it is and ask her what's in it or what it's called), to taking notice of what she's reading, to maybe a school insignia on her backpack ("hey, do you go to X College? My buddy keeps telling me they have great live bands at their pub nights. Have you been to one?") or if she's near the dessert window you can glance over and smile and try to catch her attention and just remark "decisions, decisions... I never know what to pick." These are just vague examples. Every situation will have certain *Target Items* that can be used as a conversation starter. Bonus if the weather conditions outside the cafe are unusual... ie pouring rain, hurricane winds, or steaming hot. A flirty smile and a comment on the torrential downpour that you're not looking forward to venturing out into is a great way to make that initial contact.
Leave the cheeseball lines or super-suave openers to the movies. They are totally unnecessary, and unless you are extremely witty or sexy you run of the risk of looking like you're one of those creepers that uses the same lines on as every girl in your vicinity.
Now here's the important bit:
Does she smile back at you? Does she sit up a bit in her chair with slightly wider and engaging eyes and respond back to your comment? Does she suddenly start playing with her hair or appear more conscious of her appearance? That means she's interested... proceed with an introduction of who you are, engage in some flirty banter or conversation and if she's responding well, then ask if you can join her. You can also suggest going out some other time and either get her number or offer her yours.
Now, if you've made your intro comment and her reaction is to barely glance up or acknowledge you and she's not really smiling and seems to be looking over your shoulder for the nearest exist... back away. She's not interested and proceeding any further will just make things more awkward for both of you.
Daytime pick-ups need to be done a little more casually. It's very different than a bar or nightclub approach where you can be much more directly flirtatious. It's better to sound relaxed and friendly than say anything that's overtly sexually charged.
Trying to Stay out of the Friend Zone:
As for avoiding the friend zone, once you've already established a connection with a girl, the key is to keep a light flirtation going as much as possible. If the way you converse with her could easily be compared to the way you converse with your sister or a male buddy, then you're doing it wrong. You need to show that you're into her and that you're a prospect. Based on the way she reacts to your flirting, it should give you a feel for whether she shares the interest and attraction. Use casual humour in your flirting and make sure your eyes reflect that spark of heat that you obviously feel for her. Try to avoid romantic cliches and excessive compliments. They tend to appear amateurish (unless you from a much older and conservative generation). Keep it fun, fresh and confident with just a little hint of playful sexy innuendo for best results.
Olivia xxx
Well, you want to stand out from her conservative past lovers, but you also don't want to push things too quickly or it could scare her away. As my earlier post said... take it all in stages.
A great little upgrade-trick that a lot guys overlook is the sex appeal of a dominant man in bed. Growl in her ear, get intense, make her feel like she is the hottest piece of ass that you've ever had (even if in reality she is frigid and a total butterface). Take control of the situation and don't be afraid to be a little rough. This doesn't mean that you should go 'cave-man' on her, but trust me... women often respond in an instinctively primal way to a man that knows how to exhibit dominant alpha energy.
Sure we love the gentle lovemaking, and we're ok with the frat-boy sex routine after we've had a bit to drink, but a man with a confident intensity that can take control will always have us purrring for more.
Dear Studintraining,
With such an optimistic user-name, it's unfortunate that your outlook seems to be so pessimistic.
It appears that you suffer from an absence of any self-esteem. You have just described yourself as an unlikeable, lonely, awkward, whiny arsehole. And then with an intro like that, you wonder why nobody wants to be your friend?
Here's the important thing Studintraining, if you are waking up with a sense of dread and if your post isn't just an exaggeration designed to get more attention, then you really should consider professional help (in the real world, not online).
Here comes the old cliche, but it does ring true 'nobody is going to like you if you don't like yourself.'
Instead of leading by telling everyone upfront what a worthless miserable person you are, why not pick two or three traits that you DO like about yourself and concentrate on those. Maybe you're a good artist, maybe you make a great spaghetti carbonara or maybe you have a 14 inch long cock. There has to be something good about you!
In short... you're a bit of a downer. Nobody wants to hang out with the depressing, angsty guy who only wants to talk about negative things, especially if those negative things all relate to himself. Well, unless you're an Emo Kid. Come to think of it, that might be a fun scene for you! If you're able to rock a black side-swept bang and some thick horn-rimmed glasses you might find your perfect social niche.
If not, just lighten up and the world will start to like you. It works like a charm.
Ah, of course this all comes down to semantics, which our crafty Mr Clinton was well aware of when he uttered those famous words.
What he should have said is “I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman,” and then he would have (technically) been telling the truth.
“Sex” implies sexual relations in general, which may include one of three distinct varieties: oral, vaginal and anal. Unless the person wants to differentiate, it’s a bit of a gray zone that still allows for some mystery in terms of what actually happened, other than the fact that you at least came into contact with each other’s genitals.
In my opinion, yes, President Clinton did outright lie with that statement in the way that he phrased it. Of course had he publicly cried “No! I did not insert my penis into her vagina… I merely inserted my cigar,” it probably wouldn’t have gone over very well anyway. How would he have done on a polygraph test if asked if he had sex with Ms Lewinsky? Does he really believe that oral sex doesn’t constitute real sex or was he just trying to hide behind verbiage. I would speculate that the polygraph needle would have indeed been dancing off that chart if that question had been asked!
In the dating and mating world, sometimes people (often women) choose to ignore the reality that a blowjob is still sex. These people may be concerned about adding another number to their “tally of sex partners” or being seen as a slut because they put out too soon. In other cases, the person may be cheating and wants to alleviate their conscience by insisting that it didn’t really count.
Women sometimes have the tendency to space out what kind of sex they allow with a new partner, almost like a reward as the relationship progresses. It’s not uncommon to have a girl agree to oral sex on a date, but insist on “waiting” to have vaginal sex until they “get to know you better” even if that just means waiting for one more date. And likewise, anal sex might be reserved for that extra special guy who she feels she trusts and deserves it. Think of it as graduating to a new level on a video game, or climbing up the totem pole.
Men may also consider oral to be lower on the totem pole of sexual importance too and therefore it might be their first choice with a girl they aren’t especially attracted to or even when it comes to male/male sexual experimentation. Because oral sex allows a passive role for the receiver, imagination can easily transport you elsewhere if you just want to enjoy the sensations without focusing on who the giver is. Maybe all Hugh Grant had to do when he was parked on the side of the road with Divine Brown was to close his eyes and imagine he was with a really hot girl.. like Liz Hurley. Yeah, that one didn’t make much sense, did it?
Some cultures find oral sex to be too degrading for a wife to perform and believe that it belongs in the domain of prostitution. Now let’s be real…Hugh Grant was not part of this culture. But it does bring me to another important point, which is this: guys LOVE blowjobs.
Some men claim that the frequency of blowjobs decreases after marriage. So my final bit of advice is this… ladies, don’t diminish the importance of this kind of oral worship. If it’s never been your thing, then try it with him wearing a flavored condom or use some deliciously flavored lube. You can even spice things up by having him lay down naked and create a banana split sundae that you can eat off him using ice-cream, chocolate sauce and cherries. He provides the banana, of course.
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