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Orgasmic
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 156
0 miles · Sydney
Forum
Active Ink Slinger
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little shit's name is Kevin."
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little shit's name is Kevin."
Active Ink Slinger
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he
was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then,
while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started
talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!
"Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you
promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes..."
and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he
was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then,
while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started
talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!
"Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you
promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes..."
Active Ink Slinger
I think everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, as long as they are not rude to another, I have dated/slept both skinny women and bigger women, my attraction towards women is not just her size,shape or color of their skin, I firmly believe and state that a person can never be unattractive by the why they are build, as a matter of fact I have seen and experienced some slim, beautiful women who became ugly really fast as soon as their true personality came to the surface, now my questions for guys who don't like big girls is : are you looking for conquests or a partner?
Active Ink Slinger
Pulling up to the toll booth Jack hands the collector a $100 bill.
Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaims “I can’t break this! I need exact change.”
“Come on buddy.” Jack pleads, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”
“Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answers the collector.
“While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asks the collector, “Do you really like this job?”
“Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replies the collector, “what do you do for a living?” he asks.
Still counting change and without looking up Jack says, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”
“A what?” asks the collector.
“A rectum stretcher.” Jack replies, giving the collector a sideways glance.
“What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asks.
“Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explains setting aside a nickle.
“Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asks.
“Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack says.
Pausing for a moment the collector then asks, “Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?”
“... How big do I stretch them?” Jack interrupts. “Most of them, not too big,” He continues, “but I have stretched some up to six feet.”
“SIX FEET!” The collector exclaims eyes wide, and jaw slack. “Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”
Jack, having counted out the exact change, hands the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answers, “Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”
Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaims “I can’t break this! I need exact change.”
“Come on buddy.” Jack pleads, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”
“Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answers the collector.
“While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asks the collector, “Do you really like this job?”
“Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replies the collector, “what do you do for a living?” he asks.
Still counting change and without looking up Jack says, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”
“A what?” asks the collector.
“A rectum stretcher.” Jack replies, giving the collector a sideways glance.
“What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asks.
“Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explains setting aside a nickle.
“Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asks.
“Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack says.
Pausing for a moment the collector then asks, “Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?”
“... How big do I stretch them?” Jack interrupts. “Most of them, not too big,” He continues, “but I have stretched some up to six feet.”
“SIX FEET!” The collector exclaims eyes wide, and jaw slack. “Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”
Jack, having counted out the exact change, hands the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answers, “Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”
Active Ink Slinger
Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin ,he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price," and handed over his money.
"Will you be wanting a glass with that?" enquired the barman..........
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin ,he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price," and handed over his money.
"Will you be wanting a glass with that?" enquired the barman..........
Active Ink Slinger
Paddy is on a bus, when a young woman sat opposite to him, starts to breast feed her baby.
"Come on, eat up, or I'll give it to that man over there," she says to the baby.
10 minutes later, she is still trying to feed the baby and says, "Come on, or mummy will give it to that man over there."
Paddy looks over to the woman and says, "For heaven's sake missus, will you make your mind up. I should've got off this bus 3 stops ago!"
"Come on, eat up, or I'll give it to that man over there," she says to the baby.
10 minutes later, she is still trying to feed the baby and says, "Come on, or mummy will give it to that man over there."
Paddy looks over to the woman and says, "For heaven's sake missus, will you make your mind up. I should've got off this bus 3 stops ago!"
Active Ink Slinger
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know!
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying
"Hello."
I politely said, This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear Get the right f***ing
number and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word asshole next to it and
put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller, ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is JohnSmith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller, ID Program?
He yelled "NO," and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in
his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the
number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole
too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
Yes, it is," he said.
Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house and
the car's parked right out in front."
What's your name, I asked?" "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.Then I came up
with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
"Hello." You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there," he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you," he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said,"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up."
Then I called Asshole #2.
Hello, he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are."
"You'll what," I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered,"Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Mowbray Blvd., Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray
Blvd., Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works!!
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know!
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying
"Hello."
I politely said, This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear Get the right f***ing
number and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word asshole next to it and
put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller, ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is JohnSmith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller, ID Program?
He yelled "NO," and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in
his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the
number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole
too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
Yes, it is," he said.
Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house and
the car's parked right out in front."
What's your name, I asked?" "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.Then I came up
with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
"Hello." You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there," he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you," he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said,"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up."
Then I called Asshole #2.
Hello, he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are."
"You'll what," I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered,"Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Mowbray Blvd., Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray
Blvd., Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works!!
