Well, I was sitting under a tree, minding my own business. I was minding it hard and fast, and it had grown from a medium enterprise, to quite a big business, when this woman just fell out of the tree onto me. I never got her name and I'm sure it happens quite frequently*, so who knows who she was?
* Apparently, it happened once to Isaac Newton, which got him thinking. It was only years later, after his wife had got upset at hearing the story many times, that he invented a story about an apple...
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PhilU
3 days ago
Straight Male
0 miles · Sydney
Forum
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by browncoffee
Phil, congrats on your position. You're on top of me. Not directly, but still.
Thanks, although that was part of the reason I think there's something strange about the algorithm. You definitely deserve a turn on top.
Morning everyone. I'm so in need of caffeine, that I'll try another coffee, thanks Bill.
Forum Kan-Guru
Congratulations Laura...sorry, Your Grace (on the gold star and elevation to royalty, not on whatever you may or may not have been up to with Mike in the storeroom).
I would like to point out that I am presently King of Straight Sex. Well, on top of the list of "Top Authors" on that particularly sub-list of Lush stories anyway. Now, there's a fair chance that that will change tomorrow, that there's something seriously screwy with the algorithm that put me there, and that if we award royal titles for that sort of thing then no one will be able to see the bar for all the thrones in here. But regardless, I think I might put it on a business card.
And maybe I'll have a quiet beer to celebrate (followed by a few noisy ones...).
I would like to point out that I am presently King of Straight Sex. Well, on top of the list of "Top Authors" on that particularly sub-list of Lush stories anyway. Now, there's a fair chance that that will change tomorrow, that there's something seriously screwy with the algorithm that put me there, and that if we award royal titles for that sort of thing then no one will be able to see the bar for all the thrones in here. But regardless, I think I might put it on a business card.
And maybe I'll have a quiet beer to celebrate (followed by a few noisy ones...).
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by oceanrunner
glad to see we (and by we I mean RejectsReality, Rumple, Sprite, Ruthie et al) got rid of a plagiarist.
Seems so stupid to rip off someone from the site itself, if you're going to do it at all. Kind of like the kid who winds up plagiarizing his professor's work or something and turning it in to the same person.
When I was in first year at uni, we had weekly physics assignments to be marked by our tutors, worth about 1% of the final grade. From memory, they were due on a Monday, so all the cool kids who'd been invited to wild, boozy parties struggled to get them done. So...I'd done mine, and let a friend (who was in a different tutorial) copy it. Then he let someone in a different tutorial copy that...and it wound up with someone else in my tute. We might have got away with it if anyone in the entire chain picked up the silly mistake I'd made. Fortunately, there was only a ceremonial warning, and not an official booting.
The point of that story (yes, it had one) is that I imagine the plagiarist stole the story from somewhere else, completely unaware that the original author was on Lush, and thinking of having a look at the front page.
What I don't understand was why he'd bother. I mean, a bunch of 18 year olds wanting to pass a unit without studying makes some sense, but apart from a feeling of being a fraud...what did this plagiarist get out of it?
And I'm sure you have heard The Doors at some stage Hannah. Hmm, I wonder if they wrote any songs about passion... Just kidding!!!
Could I have a coffee with a splash of brandy...actually, scratch that. How about a brandy with a splash of coffee?
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by Just_A_Guy_You_Know
lol
Yes or this:
Guy: Hey.
Girl: Hi. Nice to meet you, random stranger. I'm 5'6" and 34DD.
Guy: Let's fuck.
Girl: Okay.
Followed by 6-700 words of rough sex in which she has multiple squirting orgasms.
Or a variation on the theme:
Girl: I am married, and it would be entirely inappropriate for me to have sex with you, since you are my boss.
Guy: I have an 8 inch penis and it's thick too.
Girl: Fuck me, big boy!
Followed by a similar 6-700 words of rough sex...
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by sprite
1 my wife, my girlfriend, and i joined a yoga class a few years ago. apparently it was distacting...
2. i was a in band for a while, singing - it was a pysch band and the guys got me into listening to all the pre-dark side pink floyd stuff - the weird stuff, and you know, i kind of dig it. listened to echoes today while frying on lsd. good stuff. the music and the acid. modded some stories that way, too.
3. i prefer hiking or biking to running. running is kind of boring. my wife, however, loves to run.
Distracting because of your yoga pants, or because you kept falling over (I'm quite skilled at that), or because you were having a bad trip and kept shouting "keep those fucking butterflies away from me"?
1. My curiousity sometimes gets me into trouble.
2. I love Echoes!
3. Despite this, I've not done drugs very often, at least partly because I'm not good at moderation and was scared I'd go the full Syd Barrett...
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by sprite
thanks for the heads up, Bill. i'll look into it.
edit: Ruthie beat me to it. seems we're about to have an official beating and booting.
Ooh...are spectators welcome?
And Bill, I've heard many things about the coffee in this establishment, but I figure they can't possibly be true, so I'll try a coffee thanks!
Forum Kan-Guru
I did read the comments first on a few occasions, but even seemingly innocuous comments like "I love the twist - it really works" could spoil it (because I'd be reading thinking, 'what's the twist?'). And I'd much rather get comments on which bits of the story worked (or didn't) than a generic "hot story". Besides, the comments don't tell me much about whether I want to read the story, so I learnt pretty quickly to not read the comments before the story...
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by newd_dewd
The earth is actually a little farther from the sun during the summer.
That's not what I learnt...oh, hang on, you mean the Northern summer...
From wikipedia: "Earth is about 91.4 million miles (147.1 million kilometers) from the sun in early January, in contrast to about 94.5 million miles (152 million kilometers) in early July."
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by browncoffee
i'll try my utmost best not to die. i think you should get ME a throne too and wait on me hand and foot just to make sure nothing happens to me. i like things from patisseries and i like lemonade and i like Emersons and people who say nice things about me - wtf - why is sprite looking at me like that?! i think my life may be in danger!
i'm so honoured to be a recipient of the PURR.thank you so much, Phil. more Skittles for you!
I'm not sure that waiting on you hand and foot would help, but I'm happy to be your security guard (hmm, I might have read a story about a security guard somewhere). You can pay me in Skittles.
But I would request that you don't go around poking bears.
Err, not to suggest that sprite is like a bear. And besides, I like bears. They're cute, yet strong, and admirably fierce when defending those they care about. So actually sprite is like a bear, but only in some ways. Phew, glad I cleared that up...
So, just act cool (like me
) and I'm sure you'll be safe...ish...Oh, and thanks Rumple for the recycled article. There's lots of good stuff about writing buried deep around these forums, but I hadn't seen that one before. And I'll try a hot toddy (no idea when I last had one...)
Forum Kan-Guru
You know, my reaction to the question was - why would I want to? Sure, I might have occasionally looked at porn stars, but I'm not sure I would want to marry one. Many don't seem to be all that smart (although I'm sure there are many exceptions). And at least some are jaded by their experiences. And they're probably used to freakishly-endowed men, so...umm, well...not as impressed by my own freakish endowment as most women. 
But then I saw this:
Hmm, yes, another vote for Flame. Although, from my...ummm...research, I think she was more a 90s star, and only in her mid 40s now...
But then I saw this:
Quote by latecomer91364
Many favorites, but to marry? She's an eighties star, but she's about my age.
FLAME!!!! - I love redheads, and she did a lot of bisexual porn. My dream girl...
Hmm, yes, another vote for Flame. Although, from my...ummm...research, I think she was more a 90s star, and only in her mid 40s now...
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by browncoffee
Don't be so bashful! You're an excellent writer.
And Emerson won't be jealous. Only Skittles. No dealing with - uh - inventory or anything.
Was my story ever so possibly worthy of a PURR? I would die happy.
How did you know that that emoji looks just like me? Well, with just a tiny bit more hair.
Yes, if Emerson's reading, I would like to point out that sometimes "eating Skittles" just means that we ducked into a storeroom, and then I grabbed a handful of Hannah's sweet treats. No euphemisms intended...I just like Skittles.
And I would like to award a PURR (Phil U Recommended Read) to Hannah's latest story, and not just because I was prompted (actually, I just assumed that no one would care and that most of the regulars here would know that they should go and check it out without my recommendation). But only on one condition - don't go dying on us, because we want more storie...err, I mean, we would miss you terribly!
Now, I'm going to try this multi-quoting trick...
Quote by seeker4
It appears that winter is well and truly done in my neck of the woods. It wasn't a terrible one unless you're a skier (and, alas, my son is) but it is still nice to be able to go out in shirt sleeves (at least I am, my wife and son still find it too cold at 14 Celsius).
I was just thinking that summer is done here. I mean, the minimum was 14C the other night, and I've definitely dug out some extra layers. But at least it didn't rain today, for a change...
Maybe I'll try some warming brandy!
And it's good to see that the latest award hasn't gone to sprite's head...oops, did I say that out loud??
Forum Kan-Guru
I'm not clear whether you're after an average, or a maximum? Of course, when going for a record, I might have to analyze the optimal angle of launch (allowing for air resistance)...in a vacuum it should be 45 degrees, but I'm not into vacuum cleaners. Or the absence of air, for that matter. For a discus (in air), it's around 35 degrees, but for golf balls it's more like 15 degrees (because of the back spin apparently, which I don't think I can manage somehow). I may be over thinking this.
I guess it might be one of those sporting events where a sex ban beforehand helps.
Oh, and somehow I'll have to stop all those women getting in the way when trying to measure a new record.... 
I guess it might be one of those sporting events where a sex ban beforehand helps.
Oh, and somehow I'll have to stop all those women getting in the way when trying to measure a new record.... 
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by browncoffee
Anyone else who wants to depress themselves can click on the link below. After reading, I recommend you come hang out in the storeroom with me. Totally platonic. We can chat and eat Skittles. (I just don't want you to be depressed alone.)
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/no-way-in.aspx
The only really depressing thing about the story was that I couldn't write anything like that if I took months on it. Although, I do get to read stories like that so hey, life's good. But Skittles, you say? Are you sure Emerson won't be jealous?
Forum Kan-Guru
I'm still a bit new around here, but getting to really like the place, and a lot of that is down to the influence of one sprite - behind the scenes and in often hilarious and often thoughtful (sometimes at the same time) forum posts.
Congratulations, your Royal Awesomeness!
Congratulations, your Royal Awesomeness!
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by oceanrunner
Don't be such a sticky wicket.
You may think you're bowling a maiden over but even with your googlies I can still knock them for a six.
(No idea what I'm talking about, by the way).
Maybe I shouldn't have restrained myself on cricket-specific comments in my latest story - you sound almost like you've got the hang of them. Although I think you should be careful to defend your middle stump if Hannah fires in a wrong'un...
But I can't understand why people have the urge to discuss baseball or ice hockey when footy (Aussie rules) season has started. *Takes a look at the AFL ladder*. Hmm, barkeep, I'd like something strong to drink sent over to the far table, while the cool kids sit at the bar talking baseball...
Forum Kan-Guru
Thanks sprite for the kind words, and the RR. (I did thank her privately, but my talent for thanks giving might be up there with my horn blowing skill...)
And thanks also to Emerson, oceanrunner and our esteemed barkeeper for kind words, and a relatively restrained Rumple rant. Oh, and further thanks to Mr Foreskin for the pointer to Burquette's story, just in case I was getting a big head and thinking I'd figured out how to do this story-writing thing. Definitely a PhilU recommended read. Hmm, that would be a PURR, which is perhaps not appropriate for a story called 'Dirty Dog', but the point is - it's a mighty fine story.
And, last but not least - hi Gill. Of course we missed you! I'll have a beer (with a cocktail umbrella on the side) to welcome you back.
And thanks also to Emerson, oceanrunner and our esteemed barkeeper for kind words, and a relatively restrained Rumple rant. Oh, and further thanks to Mr Foreskin for the pointer to Burquette's story, just in case I was getting a big head and thinking I'd figured out how to do this story-writing thing. Definitely a PhilU recommended read. Hmm, that would be a PURR, which is perhaps not appropriate for a story called 'Dirty Dog', but the point is - it's a mighty fine story.
And, last but not least - hi Gill. Of course we missed you! I'll have a beer (with a cocktail umbrella on the side) to welcome you back.
Forum Kan-Guru
So, this slightly inebriated kangaroo hops into a bar... Actually, that sounds like the start of a good joke, but I don't know the punchline.
Anyway, I made a comment that I found humorous, which wasn't even intended as a whinge about having no RRs, and I wake up this morning with an RR, a BC and a slightly sore head. Most unexpected (except the sore head bit).
I don't often blow my own horn (see if you can guess why), but if anyone missed it, the story in question is https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/the-snuggle-hitch.aspx . And last weekend, I published another story to well, not much acclaim. It was started more as a bit of fun than a "serious" story, but, umm, it doesn't totally suck - https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/highlight-reel.aspx
Ooh yeah, horn-blower extraordinaire...
Anyway, drinks are on me! I'll have that well-known hangover cure - beer!
Anyway, I made a comment that I found humorous, which wasn't even intended as a whinge about having no RRs, and I wake up this morning with an RR, a BC and a slightly sore head. Most unexpected (except the sore head bit).
I don't often blow my own horn (see if you can guess why), but if anyone missed it, the story in question is https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/the-snuggle-hitch.aspx . And last weekend, I published another story to well, not much acclaim. It was started more as a bit of fun than a "serious" story, but, umm, it doesn't totally suck - https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/highlight-reel.aspx
Ooh yeah, horn-blower extraordinaire...
Anyway, drinks are on me! I'll have that well-known hangover cure - beer!
Forum Kan-Guru
Quote by browncoffee
Excellent, because I have an idea for OUR story.
As it happens, I have an idea for OUR story (although any of the patrons here are welcome to express interest). My idea is that you can write whatever you want, I'll make occasional supportive noises and then I'll put my name on it. I might get an RR; you'll get a warm, fuzzy feeling at helping a guy out.
Umm, anyway, well done to all the patrons who've managed to produce a poem. I've realized that I don't even know enough about poetry to think of good comments...so I'm still not sure why I even started to try to write my own. But, in my totally uneducated opinion, you lot have done well - even those who said "I can't write poetry" before proceeding to do so. So I'll say "I can't write poetry" and see if a poem appears. Hmm, not yet...
Anyway, I'll drink whatever's going, since I might have already had a few.
Friday night is here, and it's been one of those weeks. Have a good weekend all! 
Forum Kan-Guru
Well, my first name is Phil, but I'll take this opportunity to admit that my surname isn't really Udont-Needtoknow, and in fact, doesn't even start with 'U'. But I have such a sophisticated sense of humour, that I went with PhilU because, you know, it sounds a bit rude 