Not a dissimilar background although my once a month 'in-out-sleep' makes me feel spoiled in comparison to your bi-annual fest! I took the other route and took what is colloquially known as 'friends with benefits'. Although I had sex in one form or another (hand, oral, vag, anal) 80 times last year (I kept count) with three different women I still feel incomplete. I would love to have a single wife/partner who lives with me and makes love to me.
I therefore have a suspicious based on my own experience that you are looking for more than just sex.
I would suggest that you can only resolve your dilemma from completely inside your marriage or completely outside of it.
Your quick 200 word precis is little to go on but have you tried to increase the tactile side of your relationship
How about having a set period each week, say every thursday night for an hour, which is dedicated to you massaging your wife. Plenty of relaxing oils - lavender is very good but there are others. Absolutely enforce your own rule that there is no intimacy, no hidden agenda no searching out or 'accidentally' touching your wife's obvious and even less obvious erogenous zones. Focus exclusively on say shoulders and back, move on to thighs, calves and feet in due course.
Don't treat it as foreplay for either sex or jacking off. Treat it as a way only of increasing the touching between you. Don't demand or even ask that she reciprocates, she will do so when she is ready.
If it achieves nothing more than leading you to hold hands every time you go out then you have gained. Given that you plan to stay married for life you might have 30 years or more of celibacy. Don't try and resolve this on day one. If it leads to more in 1yr, 5yrs 10yrs time then even better
Good luck my friend
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SamBrown
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 155
0 miles · London
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I apologise unreservedly if my post caused any offence to oldhound or blazestcyr.
The part of the post I was agreeing with was the comment about going to see a doctor. You have mentioned that you have suffered from ptsd and from the tone of your post I believe that you may benefit from further counselling
I did not intend to give the impression that I concur with the rest of the post I quoted
The part of the post I was agreeing with was the comment about going to see a doctor. You have mentioned that you have suffered from ptsd and from the tone of your post I believe that you may benefit from further counselling
I did not intend to give the impression that I concur with the rest of the post I quoted
Active Ink Slinger
Some of the people on this site are gifted in their clarity of thought and ability to put that down in writing that others like you and I can only dream of. That's life and we needn't try to compete.
If I have a point I want to put over and am unsure how it is going to read once it is on the screen I type it into a word document, leave it alone for a couple of hours minimum, go back and re-read it and if it still reads okay then and only then copy and paste it up to the site
Also <and here you would benefit if you could see me waving my hands and hear as I change the tone of my voice and adopt a sarcastic smirk> you would probably get away with a little more if you, and I mean this constructively not with any malice or offence, smiled a little and showed your gentler 'nice guy' persona in your avatar picture. Just a thought
If I have a point I want to put over and am unsure how it is going to read once it is on the screen I type it into a word document, leave it alone for a couple of hours minimum, go back and re-read it and if it still reads okay then and only then copy and paste it up to the site
Also <and here you would benefit if you could see me waving my hands and hear as I change the tone of my voice and adopt a sarcastic smirk> you would probably get away with a little more if you, and I mean this constructively not with any malice or offence, smiled a little and showed your gentler 'nice guy' persona in your avatar picture. Just a thought
Active Ink Slinger
I had always thought that this was something only affecting teenage boys but as I get older I am finding that it also affects mature women just as much
I have a female friend who is single and just a couple of years older than you who finds it very difficult to walk past her computer without having a quick look at porn, a quick look almost always leads to a long look and her fingers get diddling. She finds it equally difficult to get out of bed in the morning or get into bed in the evening without a quick play with her Hitachi wand (or is that 'magic wand')
She has me as a fuck buddy and uses my finger, tongue and cock as a vibrator substitute, not that I am complaining and is (almost) insatiable.
I know that she is frustrated with herself for the amount that she wanks (self-pleasure is such a nicer way of putting it) and she tries to 'diet' from it from time to time but the habits quickly return. So, yes it is definitely possible to become addicted to self-pleasure and porn and like all addictions very difficult to break the cycle
I have a female friend who is single and just a couple of years older than you who finds it very difficult to walk past her computer without having a quick look at porn, a quick look almost always leads to a long look and her fingers get diddling. She finds it equally difficult to get out of bed in the morning or get into bed in the evening without a quick play with her Hitachi wand (or is that 'magic wand')
She has me as a fuck buddy and uses my finger, tongue and cock as a vibrator substitute, not that I am complaining and is (almost) insatiable.
I know that she is frustrated with herself for the amount that she wanks (self-pleasure is such a nicer way of putting it) and she tries to 'diet' from it from time to time but the habits quickly return. So, yes it is definitely possible to become addicted to self-pleasure and porn and like all addictions very difficult to break the cycle
Active Ink Slinger
I too go to a gym at irregular times. I however have never found it awkward or embarrassing to chat whether or not I or they have their wedding tackle out - all a question of maintaining eye contact and not staring at their pride and joy, especially if they have just been swimming and Little Richard and the twins have shrunk in size! In fact if they are shy about being exposed then they will often turn their back when taking their towel off from around their waist and pulling their boxers on.
Having said that a couple of times people have started to chat with me in the shower and with the sound of the water drowning out half their words has led to some bizarre conversations!
I wouldn't expect to have an in depth political debate but a few words about a general topic is just being friendly. If it doesn't come naturally then pre-think a comment about
the weather (we are british after all!)
your muscles/aches after a work out
the England rugby/football/golf or other sporting event - if they go to the gym then they are very likely to be interested in sport
My final two pieces of advice would be after you are both dressed introduce yourself, "I'm John, see you again" and when you get to your car make a quick note of his name, a pen description of him (big hair, tattoo, bright Nike top or whatever) and what you spoke about - supports Spurs, is Welsh, went to the Barbarians match etc) Flick through your notes just as you arrive everytime you go to the gym and next time you meet you will have his name and a basic topic of conversation available to you. (Spurs did well, Welsh didn't or whatever) Nothing will make you more popular than being interested in others and remembering basic things about them.
Having said that a couple of times people have started to chat with me in the shower and with the sound of the water drowning out half their words has led to some bizarre conversations!
I wouldn't expect to have an in depth political debate but a few words about a general topic is just being friendly. If it doesn't come naturally then pre-think a comment about
the weather (we are british after all!)
your muscles/aches after a work out
the England rugby/football/golf or other sporting event - if they go to the gym then they are very likely to be interested in sport
My final two pieces of advice would be after you are both dressed introduce yourself, "I'm John, see you again" and when you get to your car make a quick note of his name, a pen description of him (big hair, tattoo, bright Nike top or whatever) and what you spoke about - supports Spurs, is Welsh, went to the Barbarians match etc) Flick through your notes just as you arrive everytime you go to the gym and next time you meet you will have his name and a basic topic of conversation available to you. (Spurs did well, Welsh didn't or whatever) Nothing will make you more popular than being interested in others and remembering basic things about them.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by overmykneenow
I hope writing all that out proved cathartic in some way. You say you're in desperate need of advice but I think it's more likely that you're in desperate need of someone to listen to you.
You have to remember where you are. Essentially, Lush is a masturbatory aid. We may try to delude ourselves and each other with discussions about art, politics and creative writing but basically we're a bunch of wankers. This is just to give you an understanding of any advice you get here. You also have to be aware that there's quite a lot of brainwrong going on around here already.
I've already given you some advice on another thread but i'll repeat it here - go to the doctor - I'd also suggest asking him about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. What issues you have with women could also be amplified by anxiety about leaving the army.
If you're looking for a website to help with your problems, Lush isn't the best place. However this one might be:
[url=][/url]
Good luck
That looks like sound advice to me. You have asked for it and received it. My hope now is that you follow it and in time reap the benefit from it
Active Ink Slinger
Having spent 20 years in a marriage throughout which I was sexually rejected 29/30 days a catalyst arrived at which point I drew a line in the sand and left to live on my own. I was more fortunate than most in that I saw my two children for several hours every day but handing them back every night was unbearable. During the period of separation my wife and I got on better than we had for years and passion (sex) suddenly returned. All was rosy. I moved back into the matrimonial bed but within a week we had return to 29/30 days of nothing and that has continued ever since.
I would have left but I could not bear to be apart from my boys again, but nor could I handle being celibate. A real catch-22.
Eventually I made the decision to look outside. It was actually very easy to find women looking for ‘friends with benefits' and I now have 3 friends I have sex with. (I think most women are more randy than teenage boys!) . One of my friends I have met for the last six years on average one hour or so per week, and for the other two it has been for three years and we meet once per fortnight and once every three months respectively.
I am neither proud nor ashamed of it. It fulfils my need for a mental and physical intimate relationship whilst enabling me to continue to read my children a story every night before tucking them into bed. My sons are growing up in a reasonably secure loving environment and I am certain they are benefiting from that.
I would have left but I could not bear to be apart from my boys again, but nor could I handle being celibate. A real catch-22.
Eventually I made the decision to look outside. It was actually very easy to find women looking for ‘friends with benefits' and I now have 3 friends I have sex with. (I think most women are more randy than teenage boys!) . One of my friends I have met for the last six years on average one hour or so per week, and for the other two it has been for three years and we meet once per fortnight and once every three months respectively.
I am neither proud nor ashamed of it. It fulfils my need for a mental and physical intimate relationship whilst enabling me to continue to read my children a story every night before tucking them into bed. My sons are growing up in a reasonably secure loving environment and I am certain they are benefiting from that.
Active Ink Slinger
There was an interesting thread started last week which I wanted to respond to. Unfortunately it was been taken down before I had the chance and before I had logged the OP’s details.
The OP said that he had enjoyed an active sex life with his wife until the birth of their son but that since then she had rejected him sexually. He went on to say that they had not had sex for 13 years. The OP stated that he liked all other aspects of his marriage and was questioning whether he was alone or whether other men were having a similar experience.
With-holding sex is a common form of passive/aggressive behaviour. Whether it is done consciously or sub-consciously it is a way of gaining control. Typically one party waits for the other to initiate sex and then has the control over whether it takes place or not. By using their veto and rejecting the advances they are establishing their ability to control.
Passive/aggressive behaviour is demonstrated by people who feel that they have little or no control over their lives. It is more common in women but many men suffer from such a need to be in control too.
It is a form of mild depression which in this case may or may not have been triggered by post-natal depression. Other common examples of passive/aggressive behaviour include OCD, over-eating to the point of obesity, anorexia/bulimia, isolating the sufferer’s partner from friends and family and being a terrible back seat driver!
Googling passive/aggressive behaviour leads to quite a few web-sites. Almost all of the commentaries I have read seem to suggest that there are few options available for couples within a relationship where one party is with-holding sex in this way. It seems to be not whether the relationship will end but when.
NB for behaviour read behavior if you live on the wrong side of the pond.
The OP said that he had enjoyed an active sex life with his wife until the birth of their son but that since then she had rejected him sexually. He went on to say that they had not had sex for 13 years. The OP stated that he liked all other aspects of his marriage and was questioning whether he was alone or whether other men were having a similar experience.
With-holding sex is a common form of passive/aggressive behaviour. Whether it is done consciously or sub-consciously it is a way of gaining control. Typically one party waits for the other to initiate sex and then has the control over whether it takes place or not. By using their veto and rejecting the advances they are establishing their ability to control.
Passive/aggressive behaviour is demonstrated by people who feel that they have little or no control over their lives. It is more common in women but many men suffer from such a need to be in control too.
It is a form of mild depression which in this case may or may not have been triggered by post-natal depression. Other common examples of passive/aggressive behaviour include OCD, over-eating to the point of obesity, anorexia/bulimia, isolating the sufferer’s partner from friends and family and being a terrible back seat driver!
Googling passive/aggressive behaviour leads to quite a few web-sites. Almost all of the commentaries I have read seem to suggest that there are few options available for couples within a relationship where one party is with-holding sex in this way. It seems to be not whether the relationship will end but when.
NB for behaviour read behavior if you live on the wrong side of the pond.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by overmykneenow
There's a lot of crap written about incompatible sex-drive levels - usually from people looking to justify playing away from home.
It seems to me 'overmykneenow' that you either have had experience of living in a relationship where there is an imbalance in the sex-drives of the two parties, in which case I am certain that you would have a great deal of empathy with 'blazestcyr' or you have been fortunate not to in which case you really aren't qualified to comment
Active Ink Slinger
I think the OP is asking the wrong sex the question
I believe that all woman are capable of squirting - after all all are wired the same and if one can then all can. Obviously there will be the occasional exception but that is life.
I have been with a number of woman, including a bisexual who hadn't squuirted/gushed before. Because the technique isn't easy to do on oneself it seems that women don't know about it and men only stumble across it
My bi-friend had had many female partners but had never squirted. Another partner would only normally cum after the best part of an hours clit stimulation. Both can be made to squirt within minutes of getting undressed
I have found that it is down to two things, technique from the male (which could of course also read bi-female) and willingness from the female.
If the female hasn't squirted before then the new sensation is I am told very similar to that of peeing. There is a natural instinct to tense up the kegel muscles which stops this and the squirting. If the female is relaxed about this then the juices will flow - and some!
Once the technique is practiced and mastered then the female can be made to squirt/gush pretty much on demand and in a session each O is greater and produces more from her . I understand that the orgasms that accompany the event are different from clitoral orgasms but are more intense and afterwards the female feels physically and mentally drained
Negatives - apart from the obvious soaking bed and everyone in it! (you def need to put a towel down). The juice is more watery than normal cum and you will often need some lube to fuck straight after, it can also have quite a strong taste/flavour/smell which may not be to everyone's liking
If you haven't yet tried it, research via the web, practice and practice til you get it perfected and then enjoy!!
I believe that all woman are capable of squirting - after all all are wired the same and if one can then all can. Obviously there will be the occasional exception but that is life.
I have been with a number of woman, including a bisexual who hadn't squuirted/gushed before. Because the technique isn't easy to do on oneself it seems that women don't know about it and men only stumble across it
My bi-friend had had many female partners but had never squirted. Another partner would only normally cum after the best part of an hours clit stimulation. Both can be made to squirt within minutes of getting undressed
I have found that it is down to two things, technique from the male (which could of course also read bi-female) and willingness from the female.
If the female hasn't squirted before then the new sensation is I am told very similar to that of peeing. There is a natural instinct to tense up the kegel muscles which stops this and the squirting. If the female is relaxed about this then the juices will flow - and some!
Once the technique is practiced and mastered then the female can be made to squirt/gush pretty much on demand and in a session each O is greater and produces more from her . I understand that the orgasms that accompany the event are different from clitoral orgasms but are more intense and afterwards the female feels physically and mentally drained
Negatives - apart from the obvious soaking bed and everyone in it! (you def need to put a towel down). The juice is more watery than normal cum and you will often need some lube to fuck straight after, it can also have quite a strong taste/flavour/smell which may not be to everyone's liking
If you haven't yet tried it, research via the web, practice and practice til you get it perfected and then enjoy!!
Active Ink Slinger
I currently have a wife and three lovers. My wife’s pussy is very tight, she has a very creamy cum and my cock positively glides in and out whilst being gripped on every stroke. It is very difficult to last any time at all before I orgasm.
One of my lovers has a large (or is that now termed a wide) pussy. If we fuck when we start a lovemaking session I feel the walls of her pussy on me but if we have a long foreplay session and I make her cum too many times before we shag her pussy gets larger and very, very wet. I then find there is very little/no friction on my cock and it is less enjoyable.
With my other lovers their pussy size and shape is just right for the size and shape of my cock. Generally when we shag there is the perfect amount of rubbing against my cock for great enjoyment but not so much that I cannot control when I climax.
Generally if they orgasm before shagging through their clit, g-spot (or in one girl’s case - nipples) this doesn’t make any difference, however if I make my lovers squirt before we fuck then their pussy changes shape inside. The inside front wall (think g-spot area) retracts and then her pussy feels much larger and coupled with the different sensation of having the more watery-like squirt-juice (is there a better term for that?) as lubricant I personally find shagging a lesser experience.
Isn’t it great that there are other ways to please so if fucking isn’t working for us we can also turn to oral and hand jobs to finish our session
One of my lovers has a large (or is that now termed a wide) pussy. If we fuck when we start a lovemaking session I feel the walls of her pussy on me but if we have a long foreplay session and I make her cum too many times before we shag her pussy gets larger and very, very wet. I then find there is very little/no friction on my cock and it is less enjoyable.
With my other lovers their pussy size and shape is just right for the size and shape of my cock. Generally when we shag there is the perfect amount of rubbing against my cock for great enjoyment but not so much that I cannot control when I climax.
Generally if they orgasm before shagging through their clit, g-spot (or in one girl’s case - nipples) this doesn’t make any difference, however if I make my lovers squirt before we fuck then their pussy changes shape inside. The inside front wall (think g-spot area) retracts and then her pussy feels much larger and coupled with the different sensation of having the more watery-like squirt-juice (is there a better term for that?) as lubricant I personally find shagging a lesser experience.
Isn’t it great that there are other ways to please so if fucking isn’t working for us we can also turn to oral and hand jobs to finish our session
Active Ink Slinger
No, no and thrice no! The chance of getting more than a false smile from someone who in truth is only there to put food on their table or drugs in their arm is meaningless.
I would recommend that instead you go onto an online dating site. The majority of both men and woman on there are going to be just as nervous and apprehensive as you say you are. Invite 100 people out for a high street coffee. At least one will gladly accept.
Keep in mind that anyone and everyone will do, you are not looking for a relationship you are just aiming to discover what it is like to meet and chat. Prepare by planning 3 or 4 open ended questions for the times that conversation dries up. I guarantee that by the time you have done this ten times with ten different partners not only will you feel more confident but you will have met some great individuals and drunk loads of good coffee.
Let us know how you get on
I would recommend that instead you go onto an online dating site. The majority of both men and woman on there are going to be just as nervous and apprehensive as you say you are. Invite 100 people out for a high street coffee. At least one will gladly accept.
Keep in mind that anyone and everyone will do, you are not looking for a relationship you are just aiming to discover what it is like to meet and chat. Prepare by planning 3 or 4 open ended questions for the times that conversation dries up. I guarantee that by the time you have done this ten times with ten different partners not only will you feel more confident but you will have met some great individuals and drunk loads of good coffee.
Let us know how you get on