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ShamelessFlirt
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 154
United States
Forum
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On my last birthday I woke up a little bummed about getting older. I was hoping my wife would make a big deal over it at breakfast to cheer me up, but I got nothing.
Just a quick “Morning, honey. The oatmeal’s on the stove.”
I knew she had a busy day at work ahead and was distracted, so I shrugged it off. But I thought for sure the kids would come through.
But all they did was fight over the cereal and make a mess. So I took off for the office feeling worse than when I woke up.
Then when I got to work my assistant Julie gave me a big smile and a huge “Happy Birthday!” It really made me feel better that at least one person remembered.
About lunchtime Julie stuck her head in my office and asked if she could take me out for a birthday lunch. That sounded great to me so off we went.
Even better, she chose a quiet, out of the way place I’d never been to before. She insisted we have a couple of martinis, and I was all for it, feeling better about my birthday by the minute. Julie’s always had a good sense of humor and we laughed a lot.
As we started walking back to work, Julie suggested we detour a couple of blocks to her new apartment so she could show me her great view.
When we got there, we took in the view which was indeed terrific, and then Julie, who had never come on to me before, gave me a quick hug and said she was going to slip into the bedroom for a minute.
I was thinking it’s amazing what a few birthday martinis will do.
I was a little nervous, but I said okay.
She disappeared into the bedroom, and after a few minutes came back out with a big, beautiful birthday cake.
Right behind her were my wife, my kids, and a whole bunch of folks from the office, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there open-mouthed on the sofa.
Naked.
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Quote by RumpleForeskin
Gloom, despair and agony on, Jeff. His beloved Mets lost to the Cardinals 3-4 in 13 innings. Here's your coffee, Big V.
Gill is sitting out on the back porch, sippin' on her Hannah. Think I'll join her asap with an extra cocktail umbrella to bribe her into letting me stay. ;)
Amelia Leigh, glad to have you among us You too, Warlock. Been a while. Just a few tips newbies ignore at their peril.
1. Resist the temptation offered by the broken top of the hot nut machine to slip a hand in for a few free 'samples'. Terrance the Tarantula (Rumplations chief of security) like to nap in their on top of the warm nuts. Disturbing his naps is not the done thing and, in fact, seldom done more than once.
2. The two slack-jawed old coots at the table in the corner are Coma and Tose. Tossing pistachio nut shells into their mouth is not a sanctioned sport.
3. The throne nestled in the corner behind their table is that of 'Her Royal Spriteness'. It's use by anyone else is by invitation only.
4. The jukebox does work once a link to a music video has been properly posted.
5. Tawny the Trailer Tramp is our 'Woman Friday' and lust object. She has a cot for 'naps' in the stockroom.
6. Last and least, I'm the joint's 'BBB' (Beloved Blind Barkeep). Don't sweat my lack of foresight or hindsight but keep in mind that we blind see with our fingers.
You're invited to come on out to the back porch. Fuzzy (Carl) might join us, assuming Gill is willing, once he gets a refill on his Jameson.
So whadda about the rest of you writers and readers of the porn? Whadda ya wanna drink?
You forgot to tell hrt about the three legged dog that comes in once in a while looking for the man that shot his paw.
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Quote by Ping
I find these tidbits equally astonishing:
Stormdog's poem, The Game, is 1,132 words. I think that is the longest in the comp, not that size matters Read it
Quote by PhilU
Actually, KindOfHeart managed 1,282 words, so exactly 1,282 more words than I managed... Good luck to all those who did enter.
In the interest of being literal, he did say "I think". You have to admit, the man chooses his words carefully.
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There was a psychologist who always stopped at RUMPLATIONSl bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender an affable coot named Bill created just for him.
One day, Bill ran out of hazelnut so he substituted hickory instead.
The psychologist took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!'
'No, I'm sorry', replied Bill, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'
One day, Bill ran out of hazelnut so he substituted hickory instead.
The psychologist took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!'
'No, I'm sorry', replied Bill, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'
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Quote by sprite
*stuff self in cupcake, naked, puts on party hat, waits for Bill to show up*
I hope Bill doesn't have a nut allergy, I'd hate to see him eat something that doesn't agree with him.
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Quote by Green_Man
They are free with the purchase of any wireless product.
It's a thing if she's serious ...
https://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/wec.shtml
Quote by lilkitten4free
hey anyone know where I can get a wireless extension cord
Amazon, k-mart, Kohls, home depot, staples ...
https://www.amazon.com/100-240V-Wireless-Required-Function-Protection/dp/B0746K6W7W/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1520240073&sr=8-7&keywords=wireless+extension+cord
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Quote by Emily260
https://
Sorry guys, I attempted a double quote post ? that’s on wild’s to do list of teaching me after Scott and Larry helped me last time
If it helps, put the tags on their own lines, it makes it easier to format
quote1tag
text1 ...
quote2tag
text2 ...
close quote2tag
close quote1tag
hope that makes sense
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Quote by sprite
i like fucking midterms. i usually get A's on them. i'm pretty damn good at fucking, plus, i study hard. speaking of which, can i have on of those Jen Jolter thingies and can i have an umbrella innit?
When it comes to fucking, most men lean toward DD's over a's. Personally, I'm an ass man, at least that's what they say to me.
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Quote by RumpleForeskin
Before I get to the orders...was it just my finicky 'puter or was Lush down earlier today?
To abuse an old phrase and apply it here: "Lush goes down like a twp dollar whore". Frequently and to the dissatisfaction of its patrons.
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Hannah has been uncharacteristically quiet about the comp, has anyone seen her? Our very own Tonya entered AND did the audio! My entry was just approved too!
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/control-1.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/control-1.aspx
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Quote by sprite
just something i've been thinking about... you claim to be an assassin, but i've yet to see a body count in here. how do we know you're not pulling our collective legs? i want proof, dammit!
ps - the adult version of candyland is super fun. i'm just gonna leave it at that ;)
Maybe he dabbles in character assassination!
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Quote by Ping
There was a time and place that an inappropriate and offense joke would be inserted here.
I so want to do it, but alas, no longer can.
I shoulda known you would beat me to the punch
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Quote by CoyotlMittens
I want something amazingly cool, and strong, and a little fruity. Please ;)
The question is, does Scott know?
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Quote by nicola
Friend: How much do you spend on a bottle of wine?
Nicki: I would guess about half an hour.
There's your mistake, concentrate on the contents, not the container!
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Well Bill things by me are still in a state of flux. Makes me wish I knew how to weld. In any case, time marches on and at some point, things should settle down or in keeping with the welding metaphor "come together". It's difficult to have a "wait and see" attitude when you're visually impaired and impatient.
Between G, Lyfbuz and Rach bragging about their stories I'm feeling very inadequate! And Bill, I've got mixed emotions about inspiring Jeff's oral escapades, only my remarks are tongue in cheek so to speak.
On a positive note, I've managed to get to know a n extremely special Lushie and in addition to inspiring a myriad of poetry I've fallen pretty hard for her. Unless one of the regulars has been spiking the drinks I haven't been drinking.
Hope everyone enjoys themselves and manage to acomplish whatever they choose to tackle!
Welcome to the insanity Ivanka!
Between G, Lyfbuz and Rach bragging about their stories I'm feeling very inadequate! And Bill, I've got mixed emotions about inspiring Jeff's oral escapades, only my remarks are tongue in cheek so to speak.
On a positive note, I've managed to get to know a n extremely special Lushie and in addition to inspiring a myriad of poetry I've fallen pretty hard for her. Unless one of the regulars has been spiking the drinks I haven't been drinking.
Hope everyone enjoys themselves and manage to acomplish whatever they choose to tackle!
Welcome to the insanity Ivanka!
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A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she gave her a sponge bath the woman, the woman's vital signs jumped a little.
So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma!'
So the husband hurries down to his wife's side, takes her hand in his and asks the nurse what he can do.
The nurse says, ' i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.' so the nurse closes the curtains and leaves the husband alone with his wife to attempt to revive her.
Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, visibly flustered.
The nurse, worried, asks him what happened.
The husband says, 'I'm not sure, I think that she started choking.'
So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma!'
So the husband hurries down to his wife's side, takes her hand in his and asks the nurse what he can do.
The nurse says, ' i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.' so the nurse closes the curtains and leaves the husband alone with his wife to attempt to revive her.
Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, visibly flustered.
The nurse, worried, asks him what happened.
The husband says, 'I'm not sure, I think that she started choking.'
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Quote by Verbal
Hey! The bar has hit 900 pages.
Crazy busy day. And I have an appointment at 4, meaning I have exactly one hour to write an oral sex scene between two girls and a guy. And...GO!
I'd say it sucks to be you but that doesn't sound too hard to swallow. If you only had an extra nine minutes you might find inspiration in the timing.
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Just poking my head in to wish the crowd a Happy New Year!
I'm off to a rough start, but looking forward to everything the future has in store. I feel I owe everyone an apology, I had intended on writing out a message but never got the chance. As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? I'd offer to drive, but unless it's a horse and buggy it wouldn't be legal! Not that I'm a model citizen, I just feel I've reached my quota for causing mischief and mayhem. And we're not even a week into the New Year!
A million Thanks to Hannah for the shout out on my submission. I'm just happy I was able to participate for a change.
I'm off to a rough start, but looking forward to everything the future has in store. I feel I owe everyone an apology, I had intended on writing out a message but never got the chance. As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? I'd offer to drive, but unless it's a horse and buggy it wouldn't be legal! Not that I'm a model citizen, I just feel I've reached my quota for causing mischief and mayhem. And we're not even a week into the New Year!
A million Thanks to Hannah for the shout out on my submission. I'm just happy I was able to participate for a change.
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I managed to put out almost 2000 words for the latest competition if anyone is interested ...
[url=https://]He gets it in the end[/url]
[url=https://]He gets it in the end[/url]
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everybody!
oh, for the foodies, it's a thing
Santa's Reindeer Poop
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everybody!
oh, for the foodies, it's a thing
Santa's Reindeer Poop
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I didn't quite emphasize the change theme, but I think my story qualifies.
I'll wish everyone the best of luck!
I'll wish everyone the best of luck!
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Quote by Ping
I sent you two mime pictures. I hope they inspire greatness and victory, if you reconsider writing in this comp.
He could just tell you to mime your own business.
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Quote by sprite
does that mean i have to wear those tacky used bowling shoes...?
Spare us!