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She
Over 90 days ago
Lesbian Female, 37
0 miles · Seattle
Forum
Marx Sister
Conditionally. Because of a joint condition I don't really have the ankle stability to walk in heels for more than a short while, and pretty much never more than 2 inches. Take my word for it – broken or otherwise badly injured ankles on a dance floor, runway, or at a corporate holiday party are all bad.
Marx Sister
Quote by Tukeefuck
"What do you think the marital vow of "to HAVE and to HOLD" really mean? You think they're talking about hugging? She's breaking her vows by not letting you have her and hold her.
I would emphasize that you're done with this shot by moving yourself into the spare bedroom if you have one. If she gets unsettled by that action, tell her the next step is you moving out, followed by divorce."
So... This if pretty fucking absurd. What if they didn't use standardized vows? How the fuck do you know with certainty what that archaic phrasing meant? Also, you can't contractually force someone to have sex with you and be a good person. Finally, if someone is insisting that somebody has sex with you when you are certain they're not interested, that just makes them a (either via coercion or force), doesn't it?
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In response to the original poster, there are a variety of options, many of which have been discussed. What I'm curious about is whether or not she is really interested in sex at all, anymore. If she's not and she's trying to get "help" because she wants to make you happy, it may be time to look at other options; though I encourage you to take a moment and look at the way she's showing you that she loves you deeply by making the effort.
Anyway, this is all the long way of saying that I think ethical non-monogamy may be a valid option for you. She may not be into the idea at all, but she may also hear you suggest it and feel a great wave of relief that she doesn't have to force herself to keep going with what I assure you will be a complicated, embarrassing, and painful series of medical exams – or at least, that she can do it at her own pace. It's worth noting that the wave of relief I've described there, might come after a wave of frustration or anger while she processes what you've said. Make sure she understands that the suggestion is about what both of you need.
Of course, dating as a married person (particularly one who is male or masculine presenting) can be a slow and frustrating process, especially at the beginning. It varies a lot based on factors like location (some places are more open and accepting than others, but the internet is your friend in this case), status of sexual health, which of those kinks you just have to have back, and of course your own feelings. Plenty more, too.
If you aren't sure how to bring this up, the best person to ask is somebody who practices ENM and also knows your wife. Next best might be a couple's therapist who is sex-positive, and non-monogamy friendly. You can often find notes about those things on people's websites and profiles now, or you can just ask. Such a person might even be able to help you bring up the subject in a setting where your wife doesn't feel threatened by the topic or pressured into answering right away.
I've been actively poly for close to a decade, and commonly is not usually have more than one partner. Now, I'm polyamorous, but there are many kinds of ethical non-monogamy, and not all of them involve emotional attachment, which can also make people feel better about the idea – though I personally am wary of this, simply because I fall in love so easily. It's actually kind of ridiculous. My one additional bit of advice is that you absolutely should NOT over-extend yourself when you jump into dating or hooking up. It is very easy to do, especially when you get no responses on the apps, get no responses, get no responses... and then you get fucking slammed with them and want to go out on a first date every night for a month. Since in this case you'd be pursuing your needs while also improving your relationship with your wife, don't forget to make time for her. You know, if you were to go this route.
Oh, and don't forget about testing for STIs, using protection of some kind, and figuring out clear guidelines about all of that stuff with your wife, as well as any other sex partners.
Marx Sister
Honestly, I don't know. My running theory is that she wanted to devote more time to one or two of her other partners, and I was the lowest priority. Our relationship was largely based on sex, so it kind of makes sense. Also I ratcheted up the speed on the relationship elevator by accident at one point, which may have been a catalyst for the aforementioned cause.
Marx Sister
Only a couple of times, and it's never been as good as I wanted it to be. That's also counting hookups out, since I don't usually bring anyone home unless I don't live with a partner (which I anticipate doing for the rest of my life now). It has usually been a good story, even if it was only marginally enjoyable.
