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gffphann
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gffphann
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Quote by gffphann
Enterpuss (continued)

(The scene switches as we see The Enterpuss approaching a planet that's in the background. At the same time we hear Captain Kink in voiceover) "Captain's log, star date six nine, six nine, point one. While I appreciated Admiral Hollings' warning about Captain Pike, I can't help but feel apprehensive about our meeting." (The scene switches and shows Kink entering the transporter room as he continues to speak in voiceover) "In many ways, I wish I didn't know, but the time has arrived and there's no turning back."

(We see Hottie at the transporter controls as Kink takes a deep breath before saying... "Energize."... We then see two figures appearing before our eyes, one just a man's head sticking out of what looks like a giant blue box with a light positioned just below his neck. His face is also disfigured) (Kink with a shocked looked on his face as he approaches) "My God! What happened to you? Captain Pike, my friend, you used to be so young, so vibrant... and now look at you... a hideous lump of flesh, attached to... attached to... What the Hell is this thing, anyway?" (We hear a series of three beeps with short pauses in between with the round light flashing in sequence with the beeps) (Kink) "Speak to me, man!" (The three beeps go off again)

(Kink) "My God! You can't even talk? How terrible it must be for you!" (Three beeps go off again as we hear a woman's voice say... "Captain."... Kink looks up as he and we see a beautiful woman standing in the transporter area) (Kink with a big smile on his face) "Well hello there."... Then after looking back at the man says... "Hold on to that thought."... Then Kink walks up to the woman as we continue to hear the beeping and says... "Captain James T. Kink at your service. And you are...?" (Woman) "Captain Pike." (Kink while no longer smiling) "Christopher?" ( Pike) "These days, I prefer to be called, Chrissy."

(Kink) "But if you're... then who...?" (Pike) "He's Awk Sen Ott, a retired Star Fleet goodwill ambassador." (Kink) "What happened to him?" (Pike) "Nothing happened to him. He's what's known as a Tulusion." (Kink) "A Tulusion?" (Pike nods her head) (Kink) "What's the blue contraption for?" (Pike) "Tulusions have very weak immune systems and suffer from digestive issues. That contraption, as you call it, is a unit that monitors everything that goes on in his body and adjusts accordingly to ensure everything is functioning properly. It also allows him to communicate, though in a very basic manner... one beep for 'yes' and two beeps for 'no'."

(We continue to hear the three beeps) (Kink) "What about three beeps? He's been doing that pretty much non stop since I spoke to him." (Pike) "That's how Tulusions cry." ...to be continued.


(Kink) "Oh, I see. I suppose an apology is in order." (Pike) "You won't get an argument from me." (Kink after walking back to the ambassador) "Ambassador, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. It's just that... it's just that when I saw you, I thought... I thought you were Captain Pike and... well, things just got off on the wrong foot." (Kink after turning to Pike) "He does have a foot, right?" (The three beeps go off again) (Pike) "Jim, please keep it on message." (Kink) "Of course." (Then after turning back to the ambassador) "My apologies again... You know what? You look like you could use some cheering up... and I know just the thing... a tour of the Enterpuss. How would you like that?" (The three beeps keep going off) (Hottie to Kink) "He can't stop crying." (Kink) "Or maybe he just said 'yes' three times."

(Hottie) "It's hard to tell, but maybe a tour of the Enterpuss will cheer him up." (Kink) "And I know just the person to take him." (Hottie) "And who would that be, Captain?" (Kink) "You're looking at him, Hottie." (Kink after getting behind the ambassador) "Don't worry, Ambassador. You're in good hands." (Kink gives it a shove and the unit falls off the edge of the transporter deck and tumbles as we hear the three beeps increase) (Kink to no one in particular) "All this technology and not a single ramp off the transporter deck." (Kink tries to push the unit to right it as it tumbles before coming to a stop) (Kink) "My God! Where's his head?" (Pike) "That's the bottom of the unit."

(Kink) "Hottie, Cristopher! Help me turn him back up." (All three get on one side) (Kink) "On the count of three... One... Two... Three!" (They give it a shove as the unit flips and flips and still ends up upside down) (Kink) "The unit must be top heavy." (Pike) "This isn't good. We have to turn him over now... or else..." (Kink) "Or else, what?" (Pike) "Remember when I said Tulusions suffer from digestive issues?" (Kink and Hottie nod their heads) (Pike) "Think of the unit as a giant out house. Instead of collecting waste, now it's disposing it... right back where it came from." (Hottie and Kink while looking at each other) "Eeeewww!" (Pike) "So, what can we do?"

(Hottie) "Captain, I think I can lock onto him with the transporter and beam him right side up." (Kink) "That sounds like a good idea. Do it." (Hottie starts working the controls as we hear the transporter powering up. We then see the unit as it slowly disappears) (Hottie) "Now I just need to reverse the polarity and beam him back." (We hear the transporter powering up again, but nothing happens) (Hottie) "Uh oh."(Kink) "Hottie, where is he?" (Hottie) "I don't know, Captain. I can't seem to locate him."

(Captain) "What do you mean you can't locate him?" (Pike) "We have to get him back." (Kink to Hottie) "Let me at the controls." (Kink starts messing with the controls as we hear the transporter powering up and down) (Hottie) "I don't think you should be doing that, Captain." (Kink) "Don't interrupt me, Hottie. I think I'm getting the hang of it." (Pike) "you should listen to Hottie. A transporter is nothing to play around with." (Just then, the ambassador starts to appear again) (Kink) "You were saying?" (The ambassador disappears again)

(Kink) "Almost got it." (Hottie) "Captain, according to the locator, he's back." (Kink) "Where? I don't see him." (Hottie) "There he is! On the ceiling!" (We hear a loud crash) (Hottie) "Was on the ceiling." ...to be continued.
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gffphann
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Quote by gffphann
Enterpuss...A very adult and comedy version of Star Trek...Cast of characters: Captain Kink, First Officer Mr. Scock, Dr. DcCoy AKA Stones, Communications Officer Ooh Ooh Ra, Chief Engineer Miss Hott AKA Hottie, Mr. Screwloo and Mr. Jackoff

"Space, the final frontier...These are the voyages of the Star Ship Enterpuss...Its' continuing mission...To explore strange new worlds... To seek out (well you know the rest)

"Captain's log, star date 6969. With The Enterpuss undergoing repairs, Dr. DcCoy and I had some time to catch up on old times. The conversation was light until the subject of my new first officer came up."

(DcCoy) "I don't know Jim. There's something about Mr. Scock that makes me believe you should consider someone else for first officer." (Kink) "What exactly do you mean?" (Before DcCoy can answer, Scock enters) (Scock)"Captain, engineering has completed repairs. The Enterpuss is set to go on your command." (Kink) "Thank you Mr. Scock. I'll be on the bridge shortly." (Scock while giving the Vulcan piece sign) "Live long and prosper." (He then turns and exits)

(Kink)"He seems fine to me Stones." (DcCoy) "It's a good thing you're not a doctor." (Kink)"What's that supposed to mean?" (DcCoy) "As ships' physician, I'm responsible for performing complete physical examinations on every man, woman and alien on board The Enterpuss." (Kink)"Your point, Stones?" (DcCoy)"My point is I just gave Mr. Scock his. He just flipped you the Vulcan equivalent of the finger."

(Kink)"You're saying Scock has two of them?" (DcCoy after nodding his head)"I tell you Jim, I've never seen anything like it. He can make them move independently of each other in any direction and at multiple speeds. It wouldn't surprise me if he could tie his shoes with them." (Kink)"Come on. Tie his shoes?" (DcCoy)"It's true. Nurse Fapple was so frightened by them that she locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out. I could actually hear her moaning in fear. She was in there so long, I had to get Hottie to beam her out. By the way, you need to have someone look at the transporter. When it beamed her out, her clothes were rearranged, like someone had been trying to rip them off and it didn't even beam her panties with her. It just left them on the bathroom floor."

(Kink)"I'll have Hottie look into it." (Just then we hear Ooh Ooh Ra on the transmitter)"Ooh Ooh Ra to Captain Kink." (Kink)"Kink here. Go ahead Ooh Ooh Ra." (Ooh Ooh Ra)"Captain, there's an urgent message from Starfleet. Captain's eyes only." (Kink)"Thank you Ooh Ooh Ra. Patch it through to my quarters."

(DcCoy)"I guess this is where I make my exit." (Kink)"Duty calls Stones." (After DcCoy leaves, Kink takes the message as we see an older man on the viewing screen) (Kink)"Admiral Hollings! To what do I owe this pleasure?" (Hollings)"No need for formalities, Jim. Captain's eyes only, remember?" (Kink)"I appreciate that. So what can I do for you?" (Hollings)"I hate to do this to you, but Starfleet has a new assignment for you." (Kink)"No problems, The Enterpuss is glad to be of service." (Hollings)"That's good to hear. We need you to plot a course for Tallis Five. There you will pick up two passengers, one of whom you're quite familiar with...Captain Pike." (Kink)"You mean...?" (Hollings)"That's right, the former Captain of The Enterpuss."

(Kink)"And who's the other passenger?" (Hollings)"I'm not at liberty to say. Captain Pike will fill you in about that. Now once you pick them up, you will turn command of the ship back to Pike, is that understood?" (Kink)"Understood." (Hollings)"Good. There is something I feel I must warn you about...Pike has had extensive surgery." (Kink)"Extensive surgery? Was there some kind of accident?" (Hollings) "Once again, I'm not at liberty to say. I wish I could tell you more." (Kink)"That's quite alright. I understand." (Hollings)"I just wanted you to be prepared...The Captain Pike you and I both knew no longer exists." (Kink)"Well, thanks for the heads up."

(Hollings)"You have your mission. Good luck Jim...This message will self destruct in five seconds." (The scene switches to outside of Kink's quarters as we hear a loud explosion followed by the doors opening and smoke pouring out as Kink appears with his uniform and face covered in dirt before he staggers and falls to the floor as several crew members rush over. One squats down by Kink's side and asks..."Captain, are you alright?"...Kink lifts his head up and whispers something to the crewman before he falls unconscious..."What did he say?", another crewman asks...The other crewman has a confused look on his face as he answers..."He said he really wishes Admiral Hollings would learn the difference between five seconds and one second.")...to be continued.
Enterpuss (continued)

(The scene switches as we see The Enterpuss approaching a planet that's in the background. At the same time we hear Captain Kink in voiceover) "Captain's log, star date six nine, six nine, point one. While I appreciated Admiral Hollings' warning about Captain Pike, I can't help but feel apprehensive about our meeting." (The scene switches and shows Kink entering the transporter room as he continues to speak in voiceover) "In many ways, I wish I didn't know, but the time has arrived and there's no turning back."

(We see Hottie at the transporter controls as Kink takes a deep breath before saying... "Energize."... We then see two figures appearing before our eyes, one just a man's head sticking out of what looks like a giant blue box with a light positioned just below his neck. His face is also disfigured) (Kink with a shocked looked on his face as he approaches) "My God! What happened to you? Captain Pike, my friend, you used to be so young, so vibrant... and now look at you... a hideous lump of flesh, attached to... attached to... What the Hell is this thing, anyway?" (We hear a series of three beeps with short pauses in between with the round light flashing in sequence with the beeps) (Kink) "Speak to me, man!" (The three beeps go off again)

(Kink) "My God! You can't even talk? How terrible it must be for you!" (Three beeps go off again as we hear a woman's voice say... "Captain."... Kink looks up as he and we see a beautiful woman standing in the transporter area) (Kink with a big smile on his face) "Well hello there."... Then after looking back at the man says... "Hold on to that thought."... Then Kink walks up to the woman as we continue to hear the beeping and says... "Captain James T. Kink at your service. And you are...?" (Woman) "Captain Pike." (Kink while no longer smiling) "Christopher?" ( Pike) "These days, I prefer to be called, Chrissy."

(Kink) "But if you're... then who...?" (Pike) "He's Awk Sen Ott, a retired Star Fleet goodwill ambassador." (Kink) "What happened to him?" (Pike) "Nothing happened to him. He's what's known as a Tulusion." (Kink) "A Tulusion?" (Pike nods her head) (Kink) "What's the blue contraption for?" (Pike) "Tulusions have very weak immune systems and suffer from digestive issues. That contraption, as you call it, is a unit that monitors everything that goes on in his body and adjusts accordingly to ensure everything is functioning properly. It also allows him to communicate, though in a very basic manner... one beep for 'yes' and two beeps for 'no'."

(We continue to hear the three beeps) (Kink) "What about three beeps? He's been doing that pretty much non stop since I spoke to him." (Pike) "That's how Tulusions cry." ...to be continued.
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gffphann
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Quote by DamonX
This has been the problem with porn for a while.

Porn with story lines has always had boring sex. And porn with kinky sex has always been gonzo with no story.

I think that now people are starting to realize that if you combine kinky sex with a decent story line and high production value... people like it. This article cited Kayden Kross's directing of Trenchcoatx and Sacrosanct. Both are high quality with very good filming. (Kayden Kross is awesome.)

Puretaboo is also very high quality (even though I'm not really into the subject matter). I would love to see more porn going this way. The site leans heavily on the the pseudo- themes because for some reason that is the most popular these days. It would be great to see more sites use this template and filming style without seeing a 25 year old pretending to be a sixteen year old.

The unfortunate thing about porn these days is that because it is so accessible that it's not profitable to put a lot of money into high quality unless it caters to something slightly " ."

I feel like you don't need a complete story... Just something that gives somewhat of a background to set the scene.



The problem with most porn with stories is that the story has nothing to do with sex and therefore the sex has nothing to do with the story. The sex seems to happen out of the blue. If they are going to make one with a story, then the story has to be a sex driven one.

I like that some of these companies are trying. Maybe with practice, they'll get better at it. There is definitely an audience for it. All these parodies being made proves it. People are hoping to see something worthwhile, thinking that someone at some point, will actually make one that is a real parody and not just costumes, makeup and set designs wrapped around a standard porn film.

I think a lot of the these porn companies are making a mistake, thinking that everyone is watching their stuff for free on these tube sites. That's the argument they make when they say customers can't expect them to put more money (and effort) into their films. What they need to realize is the people who are willing to pay, will do so for something worthwhile. No one (even paying customers) will pay for junk. They could see this more clearly if these tube sites measured views as more than just a click to start the scene. A lot of people click on, sees that it's not worth watching and click off.

If these tube sites measured views for the length of time watched, the number of views would go down significantly. How bad would it be if one of these companies found a clip or whole film of their's on a tube site and the number of views read zero?... "People aren't even watching our stuff for free!"
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gffphann
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The Thing (2011)

There are spoilers for this and the 1982 version, so if you're planning on watching either, read no further.

First of all, making the 2011 version a prequel to the 1982 film, instead of just a remake, was a good idea. What happened at the Norwegian outpost? There were some good moments in this film that captured the "who is and who isn't human" moments of the first film.

Unfortunately, the film loses its' way and just starts to go more for shock sequences that had its' moments, but couldn't carry the film. It seemed like whoever made this film, didn't watch or pay close attention, to the 1982 version. Examples: In the 1982 version, we hear these lines... "It must be alone and in close proximity to it's victim."... meaning the takeover wasn't immediate. It needed time to absorb and shape its' cells to perfectly imitate the victim... "It will fight if it has too, but it's vulnerable out in the open."... meaning just that. Openly attacking would reveal its' secret, so it attacks in a stealth manner, catching the victim unaware, with no one around to witness it or kill it.

In the 2011 version, the thing attacks anytime, anyplace and moves so quickly, it doesn't have to catch the victim off guard. It didn't have to hide in an imitation. It could have just split up into several smaller versions of itself and just attack everyone.

Anyone who saw the 1982 version would know that the dog becomes infected. In the 2011 film, the dog is killed immediately and doesn't reappear until near the end of the movie. They shouldn't have done that.

What I would have done: Shortly after getting a sample from the frozen thing, some of the crew notice the dog acting strangely. He won't come back in, preferring to stay outside and no amount of coaxing from several of the crew convinces him to come in from the cold. When they get close to him, he runs away. One member leaves some food and lights a fire so the dog won't starve or freeze.

At some point, they figure out that someone was attacked and the amount of blood that was left, means whoever was attacked, couldn't have survived and yet all the crew members are accounted for (just like in the 2011 film). And worse, they find out someone had chopped out the frozen thing in the room where it was being stored and now it's missing. Who was responsible? And why would he do that? It was supposed to remain as it was.

Through a series of events, they find out who and after burning it to death, the crew members look to each other with suspicion. So perfect was the imitation, how could they know who was who? One of the members says... "The dog knew."... He explains the imitation crew member was always with them when they tried to coax the dog back in. Maybe the dog could sense he wasn't human. (This could explain why the dog attacked the other dogs in the 1982 film when he was put in the pen)

They go out to try to coax the dog back in and this time, he comes willingly. He acts like a normal dog now and isn't trying to run from anyone. So now they think everyone is still human. That changes when the man who originally left food out for the dog, goes to get the bowl which is empty from outside and sees a very odd looking trail that leads from the compound to the bowl and back to the compound and right outside of the office of the infected crew member.
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gffphann
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Quote by DamonX
I've noticed that recently there has been a slew of members creating alternate profiles in order to fuck with others.... Usually these people make a profile of the opposite sex, (even though anyone with an IQ over 70 can see through it....)

I was just wondering what the official site policy is on this?


I was a member of another forum that had this same problem. There was a prominent member who started creating multiple accounts (with female usernames), almost all of them tough talkin', gun totin' conservative women. He was easy to spot since he made multiple postings on the same threads with multiple usernames. With his spelling and grammar problems, it was easy to compare posts.

It didn't bother me until it was revealed that he had been PM attacking members he didn't like with his fake usernames. There were a few of us there who started actually trying to figure out how many fake profiles he had. We counted more than twenty.

After several complaints, one of the forum administrators installed software that could identify the IP addresses of anyone who posted. It revealed he actually had more than thirty profiles and all of them were banned.

Looking back over the threads he participated in was pretty funny, including a thread where some of his "grrls" (that's how he spelled it) congratulated him on reaching 5000 posts and commenting on what a great guy he was. Some of us had some real fun commenting on that thread after he was banned.
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gffphann
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I recently saw 'Passengers' and liked it enough as it was, but thought it just wasn't quite there. There will be some spoiler alerts here so if you haven't seen it yet and are planning to, read no further.

I liked the idea of people traveling to a new life on a faraway planet, a journey that would take more than 100 years and thus, all the passengers would be in sleep mode in individual pods to be awakened shortly before arriving at the new world. I also liked the idea of a malfunction, causing one of the passengers to wake up 90 years too early.

What I wished they would have done: Instead of showing the male passenger waking up early, I wish they would have shown it from the Jennifer Lawrence character's perspective. We see her wake up first, going through the ship and thinking she is the only one awake. Eventually she and we see the other awakened passenger for the first time. He explains to her that he was also awakened too soon and has been alone for over a year. They get to know each other and become close, just like the original story, so she and we do not know that it was he who awakened her.

We don't find out until the Lawrence Fishburn character shows up and figures out that one pod was deliberately tampered with. The betrayal hits us the same time it hits the Jennifer Lawrence character.

Doing it this way, they can also have the male character killed off as he was forced to hold the bay door open to keep the ship from being destroyed. Now Jennifer Lawrence is alone and goes through the same lonesomeness the man went through, and with it, a better understanding. They could then show her in the cargo area where the pods are kept as she looks at one particular man. She just stares at him for a long time, as if she were thinking of awakening him. Then they could show the outside of the ship as it travels through space before the ending credits play, leaving us to wonder if she did or didn't awaken him.

For a more sinister version: We see the Jennifer Lawrence character wake up first just like the other scenario I described. After she and we figure out that the man was the one responsible for awakening her, she becomes angry and distant. After a period of time, the anger fades and now she just wants to understand why he did it. She asks the android bartender who explains how hard the man struggled with himself and fought hard not to do it, but eventually, the lonesomeness was too much for him to take. The Jennifer Lawrence character says... "And that's when he woke me up?"... The android responds... "That's when he woke Laura up." (Jennifer) "Laura?" (Android) "She was the first." (Jennifer) "So, where is she? What happened to her?" (Android) "We never talked about that. Same with the others."
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gffphann
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Mine would be about the first mini series ever made which happened in the early days of television and was never seen because of the controversial subject matter the story centered on.

The show would start with a very old man sitting and watching television until his tea kettle starts sounding as he shuts the television off and goes to make some tea. After doing so, he walks over to his computer and turns it on. The camera is filming from behind the computer as we see him searching for a site and after getting there, having trouble remembering his password. Eventually, he gets it, and after taking a sip of tea, begins to post as we hear him in voice over as he types.

"My memories are fading. The unfortunate side effect so many of us suffer when our time on this earth nears the inevitable end. I come here while the mind is still reasonably sharp, before the lights go out for good, to tell a story known only to a very few of us, four to be exact, that number now reduced to one as of three weeks ago, Monday." (He takes another sip of tea)

"The year was 1958. Television was the new frontier in entertainment. Many movie studios began the process of developing programs they anticipated would be needed sooner, rather than later. Some studios turned to colleges and even ordinary citizens for ideas for new programs."

"Tom, Gary, Dianne and I were friends and colleagues, working for one such studio. It was our job to weed through these ideas, of which there were many, before passing them along if we felt they were indeed good ones. The manner in which these ideas were submitted varied. Some were just written ideas. Others came in the form of a pilot film. One fella presented his idea in the form of a puppet show, which I thought was pretty good, but unfortunately was rejected, as was the case with most of the submissions."

"To be brutally honest, most were rejected simply because they were terrible ideas. There were others, however, that were rejected because of "concerns", meaning the content was considered unfit for broadcast. Understand, we were living in a different time back then and the content I speak of wouldn't even raise an eyebrow in today's world. Using this as a measuring stick, it's easy to understand how none of us could have been prepared for the work of Zachary Merrick." (He takes another sip)

"Mr. Merrick arrived one morning and made his presence felt immediately by demanding to see someone in charge, not aware of, nor accepting of the policies in place. Words were exchanged before security forcefully removed him from the premises. With the mornings excitement out of the way, we went about our normal workday, which included meeting in the company parking lot after work."

"As was customary, we started discussing about the ideas we had been presented with when Tom, the unofficial leader of the group, excused himself and started walking across the street to an old, rusted automobile, where he began talking to a man in the drivers seat. It was Mr. Merrick. And I remember wondering if he had been sitting there all day."

"As we watched, we could see the conversation was getting animated. Just as quickly, however, Mr. Merrick calmed down. Tom was always good at that. He had a way of talking to people that always seemed to bring out the best in them. Then, just at that moment, for the first time, I saw Mr. Merrick smile. He got out of his car, opened the trunk and handed Tom a box."

"After a few more words, Tom returned to us and as he approached, said..."I need to ask you guys for a big favor."

"The favor was indeed, a big one. Mr. Merrick wanted us to watch his film, which, as it turned out, was a completed series, ten episodes, each about an hour long. You could call it a mini series before mini series ever existed. He insisted we watch it all the way through and that any discussions would only occur after viewing the last episode."

"What's it about?"...Gary asked. Tom answered that Mr. Merrick wouldn't say. He didn't want us to know. We were to watch with clean minds...Mr. Merrick's words."

"What if it's really bad?"...I asked. Tom answered that that was indeed a possibility and he would understand if any of us didn't want to participate. He then added that this would be on our own time and not the studio, so none of us would get paid."

In the end, we all agreed to do it and so on the very next Sunday, we met at Tom's house, in the basement. We all sat down and got comfortable as Tom set up the projector. Then he turned off the lights and started the film."

"For the record, the production values were as good as anything being made at the time, a real surprise, considering Mr. Merrick had the look of a man who had been living in his car. As we watched, we knew early on that we were seeing something that would never see the light of day on television. That was confirmed to me after viewing the last episode when we were finally allowed to discuss what we had just seen."

At first, it was total silence, until Dianne, the lone female of the group said..."That was interesting."...Not what I expected her to say, but it did break the ice. We all agreed his film, as it was, would certainly be rejected. But we also agreed the film was simply too good to dismiss based on subject matter alone. We came to the conclusion with just a few changes, Mr. Merrick's work could not only be accepted, but likely thrive should it make it to broadcast. Tom then arranged to meet with Mr. Merrick the following day to discuss our proposal." (He takes another sip)

"And so, the time came. Mr. Merrick was parked across the street as before, when Tom approached, carrying the box. The two talked for a while and things seemed to be going well when Tom must have told him about the changes that would be necessary. Mr. Merrick's mood changed and he began shouting. Even Tom wasn't able to calm him down."

"He grabbed the box away from Tom and threw it in the passenger compartment before getting in his car and slamming the door shut before driving off at high speed. Tom started returning to us while shrugging his shoulders. Before we could even ask him what happened, we heard the crash."

We all ran down the street and noticed the damaged guard rail and soon after, the first traces of smoke. As soon as we got to the edge, we knew there was no hope. Mr. Merrick and his work were no more, both engulfed in the flames."

"Perhaps because Tom had tried to help Mr. Merrick, he took it particularly hard. For some time after, he was not his usual happy go lucky self. Time heals all wounds and eventually he was back to normal. Even so, it was a subject we all avoided...just a bad memory best kept in the back of our minds until one day, out of the blue and just a few days before his sudden and unexpected passing, Tom quietly mentioned what a shame it was that no one would ever know of Mr. Merrick's work. We would, of course, but after our passing, no one would. Mr. Merrick would just be another anonymous soul, whose work demanded that he be more than that."

"And so, it is in this spirit, as the lone survivor of the group, that I now share, as best I can remember, what the four of us saw that day. And I do so here, on this forum, perhaps the only place a story like this can be told." (As he speaks this last paragraph, the camera slowly moves around from behind the computer to behind the old man and we can see what kind of forum he is posting on)...to be continued.
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gffphann
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Three Way Of The Condor

Introduction: Somewhat parody of a movie called 'Three Days Of The Condor'

Young and attractive CIA agent Roberta Redford(code name 'Condor') is assigned a case involving two female writers(an American and a Russian) of lesbian erotica. The CIA believes the two are spies who communicate secrets through their writings. For instance, "her body shivered" was code for "I'm being watched" and "her tongue expertly penetrated" was code for "we've been compromised".

Condor's mission was to find a way to meet both women, gain their trust, "infiltrate both their inner circles"(yes, they actually say that) and find out what the two are up to.

Condor spends time in both countries, getting to know the two, but is unable to determine what the plan is. She believes whatever it is, it's going to be big, as intercepted communications become more frequent and troubling...as it appears the two have arranged to meet in person. What could that be about? The CIA believes it could be an attack is eminent. If the American writer goes to Russia, she would be safe from an attack in America.

Condor convinces the American to invite the Russian here instead to buy time to find out what the two are up to. With the very straight Condor trying desperately to gain information, she must now pretend to be lesbian to get closer to the two women. And closer to them she gets...literally...like right in between...on the bed...naked...sweating...out of breath.

They end up going at it all night, yet Condor still has no clue what they are planning. Could it be they were simply two lesbians getting together for some fun? After all the secrets she spilled that night(including who she worked for), Condor certainly hoped so.
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gffphann
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Broad Cast News

Introduction: Another idea I posted on another forum.

A 24 hour news station is taken over and drastic changes are made, including the name(now called 'Broad News'), which quickly becomes controversial, featuring beautiful, sexy women in revealing(though professional) outfits. Think of it like Fox News, only without the deranged, creepy old men. And just like Fox News, their stories center on fear mongering and an "us against them"(Meaning mainstream media) attitude. Their whole goal is making money which means getting higher ratings so they can charge advertisers more. And they have found the magic formula(sexy women and sex related stories) of giving their viewers what they want. It becomes a ratings success.

They set up their studios in such a way to take advantage of showing off their reporters. The weather girl has to climb up stairs to get to the weather map while wearing a very short skirt as the camera operator follows, getting up the skirt shots. They manipulate the stock market by using a woman as a prop to show how stocks are doing. When they want a certain stock to rise, they have her lift her skirt to show how much the stock is rising, causing viewers to call their brokers to buy more of the stock so she'll have to raise her skirt higher. If there's a stock they want to drop, they show her lowering her blouse so that viewers will call their brokers to sell that stock off. Also their news readers have to sit on high stools while wearing very short dresses and skirts so the viewers can see up their skirts when they cross their legs.

As for journalism, well, that takes a back seat as important stories are ignored and scandal(and even fake scandal) is emphasized. One of their big targets is government, more specifically, public schools, as they have an ongoing "investigation" of the corrupt public school system. Example: "Have illegal aliens turned America's high school science classes into terrorist bomb making factories?" They get away with it because they don't say it's actually happening, they're just posing a question. Another example: "Should high schools require students to wear uniforms? If your answer was yes, you might want to reconsider. Just look at the proposed uniform your daughter may be forced to wear."... A model them appears, wearing the lowest cut blouse and the shortest skirt possible..."Just imagine what could happen if she dropped a pencil."...(Model after she "accidentally drops her pencil) "Oops, I dropped my pencil. I guess I'll have to pick it up."...Then she slowly bends forward facing towards the viewers as we can see way down the front of her blouse as it's obvious she's not wearing a bra. Then after picking it up, she "accidentally" drops it again. (Model) "My oh my, I sure am clumsy. I guess I'll have to pick it up again." Then she turns away from the viewers and with her legs slightly apart, slowly bends forward, showing her backside( no underwear) as she "struggles" to pick up her pencil, giving the viewers a nice long look. Of course, they never mention the proposed uniform came from a man who had no association with the school whatsoever and that the uniform was never even considered.

Broad News really thinks they hit the jackpot when word gets out that a female public high school teacher was caught having sex with one of her female students. The story has all the elements they could ask for, sex and a public school scandal. Unfortunately for them, the teacher is unattractive and when faced with actually having to cover a real story, simply cannot do the job. They are completely incompetent, but find themselves in a position whereby they cannot just ignore the story, since their whole deal is the public school problem. So they continue to cover it and for the first time, their ratings take a hit. They need a new scandal badly and one comes their way just at the right time two months later. Another female public high school teacher(this time very attractive) is accused of having sex with one of her female(new to the school) students and Broad News is the one who breaks the story.

They somehow are able to get exclusives from the attractive female police officer who investigated the case, another teacher who witnessed it and the teen's mother. They also boost their ratings by staging dramatizations, using sexy models(one of whom resembles the teacher) as the viewer sees how this relationship started and more importantly, what kind of sex they had( which the viewer gets to see).

Broad News even gets their swagger back as they ask the question..."How is it that we were able to break this story before the local news outlets? This was going on in their own backyard and we got the story first. Just another example of how Broad News keeps you, our viewers, informed. Broad News...We sh#t it out, you eat it up."

The editor of a small newspaper in the town in question sees the broadcast and thinks that is a good question to find an answer for. So he assigns a new young female reporter(a journalism major) to find out just how Broad News was able to so quickly get the scoop. So the reporter does what good journalists do...investigate. She figures a good place to start is to interview the three parties who were so willing to give Broad News exclusives, or at least she tries to. The female police officer, the teacher eyewitness and the mother of the teen don't want to talk, even though none would shut up when Broad News was around. It isn't long before she finds out why.

She learns that the female officer quit her job and is now a consultant for Broad News. She also finds out the officer now lives in a luxury apartment with two attractive female roommates(both former interns at Broad News). The teacher eyewitness also quits her job and now works for an organization intent on dismantling the public school system. She also appears quite often on Broad News, who, as it turns out, provided the funding to start the organization. As for the mother, her and her daughter got a large settlement from the school district. But even with her, something seems strange. She seems to be too young looking to have a teen daughter. And not only that, another teacher claims the teen hit on her just two weeks before the other teacher was caught engaging in the sex acts and this teacher also thinks the daughter looks older than her given age.

The reporter then checks the background of the mother and finds out she lives in a retirement community. The reporter pays a visit and sees this isn't the same woman, although the name checks out. After several questions, she finds out the woman has two daughters, one by a different name and one matching the name of the teen. After being shown a photo of the two, the reporter now knows the daughter was posing as being the mother of her own sister and more importantly, learns the sisters' ages( 30 and 21). She now knows a scam of some kind was going on. Was this just a scam by the two sisters to get money from the school district? That seemed likely until after further investigating, the reporter hears a story that the younger sister at one time interned at Broad News.

Now the reporter needed to get confirmation from former and possibly current Broad News employees. If the story holds true, then Broad News had to have known the story was a set up and they likely were the instigators.
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gffphann
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Up The Going Down On Her Staircase

Introduction: This was an idea I posted on another forum, a parody(somewhat) of the movie, 'Up The Down Staircase'.

The laws are changed and funding of public schools shift to the private sector. As a result, new private schools begin to spring up all over the country. Sylvia, a young, attractive woman, is hired to be a teacher at one such school(all girl). She is surprised they hired her since she has no teaching degree, nor did she attend college. The lone question during her job interview was..."Can you show me your legs?"...which she did and was hired on the spot.

Her first day of school is an eye opener. All the students in her fourth grade class appear to be adults, with fully developed breasts, curves in all the right places, makeup and such. The school uniforms they wear leave little to the imagination. Sylvia's not even sure what she's supposed to be teaching. No one told her. So she tries to remember what her teachers had taught her when she was in school and remembers one teacher on her first day gave her students an assignment to write about themselves(their likes, hobbies, family make up and such).

After the students turn in their assignments, she finds out they all have after school jobs(unusual for fourth graders) such as strippers, bartenders, nude models, porn stars and cam girls(even more unusual for fourth graders). She also finds out most are not living at home with their parents and some of them are even married(also unusual for fourth graders). She begins to think that something isn't quite right and decides to talk to the principle after the first day ends.

The principle(a young woman herself) tells Sylvia this is a special school for the especially gifted and that these students are so advanced in their minds, that their bodies have adapted to match their advanced minds. "Don't be fooled"...she tells Sylvia..."They may look and act older, but the are still children in need of guidance and discipline". When Sylvia presses on with tougher questions, the principle becomes defensive and tells Sylvia she may have made a mistake in hiring her. (Principle) "Honestly, I don't even know why I hired you."...(Sylvia) "You said you liked my legs." The principle stands up like she's angry, then paces back and forth before turning to look at Sylvia. After staring at her for a few seconds, the principle asks..."Can you show me your legs again?"...Sylvia stands up and raises her skirt slightly. (Principle) "More."...Sylvia raises it until it's just below her crotch. (Principle, after staring at them for several seconds) "I'm giving you a raise."

Even after getting a raise, Sylvia feels something strange is going on. The feeling becomes stronger when the school implements a sex education program that involves outside sources(contractors paid for with tax dollars) that goes way beyond what any sex education course should do, requiring participation by the students practicing sex acts on each other. Even stranger is the sex education course lasts the remainder of the school year. With all the sex going on, how will anyone pass the mandatory exam the government requires students to take to prove the private schools are doing their jobs?

That's when Sylvia figures out the scam that she believed had been going on all along. On the day of the test, none of her usual students show up. Instead, a young woman shows up to take the test for them and will make copies of the one completed test to turn in. This way, everyone ends up passing and the school continues to get funding by the government. If that wasn't enough, Sylvia also finds hidden cameras in her own classroom and suspects the school is making even more money selling videos of the sex education courses that have been going on all year.

Sylvia decides she can't just sit by and watch this deception take place, even if it means losing a great paying job. Her legs got her this job and now she was going to use them to distract and seduce the young woman taking the test. And if that didn't work, she might just have to use the rest of her body as well.
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gffphann
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Carlie's Angels

Introduction: This is another TV show idea for the GGN film. It's a parody of the Charlie's Angels TV series. The film starts as we hear an older sounding woman(Carlie)in voiceover.

(Carlie) "Once upon a time, there were three beautiful women. Jill, who worked as a porn star. Kelly, who worked as a stripper. And Sabrina, who worked as a nude model. But I took them away from all that. And now they work for me. My name is Carlie." (Then we hear cheesy music as the opening credits play until we see the title of the nights episode..."Minimum Wage Angels"... The scene switches to inside an office building as we see the three angels enter. There's another woman(Butchley)sitting at the desk.

(Butchley) "Well it's about time you three got here." (Kelly)"We got here as fast as we could." (Butchley)"Just have a seat. I'll let Carlie know you're here." (Jill, who's wearing a short skirt, sits on top of the desk, sideways so we can see up the back of her skirt(no underwear of course), Kelly, who's wearing loose fitting shorts, sits on the sofa with one leg raised and her hands grasping at the knee so we can see between her legs on one side of her shorts(no underwear of course), and Sabrina, who's wearing skin tight jeans, also sits on the sofa next to Jill with her legs curled up so we can see her cameltoe through her jeans.) (Butchley to Carlie over the phone) "Carlie, the Angels are here."

(Carlie through the speaker) "Hello Angels." (All 3 Angels) "Hi Carlie." (Kelly) "Butchley told us we have some urgent business." (Carlie) "Indeed we do, Kelly. Have any of you Angels heard of a man named Hank Driscoll?" (Jill and Kelly look at each other like they don't have a clue who he is) (Sabrina) "Hank Driscoll? Isn't he the owner of the fast food chain, Happy Hanks Happy Burgers, Happy Fries, Happy Shakes, Happy Sodas, Happy Onion Rings, Happy Hot dogs and Happy Chicken Strips?" (Carlie) "Never heard of it." (Sabrina) "Oh, and I forgot. Happy Chili?" (Carlie) "That's the one. Only it seems these days, Happy Hank isn't so happy." (Jill) "What's the problem Carlie?" (Carlie) "He's having a hard time keeping employees. Every time he hires a good looking new girl, in no time at all the new girl quits." (Jill without a trace of sarcasm) "Why would someone quit a job that pays minimum wage, with no benefits or future?" (Carlie) "My thoughts exactly Jill. And after thinking about this for some time, I have come to only one logical conclusion, and I don't think I have to tell you what that conclusion is."

(Jill) "They found another low paying job with no benefits or future?" (Carlie) "Nice guess Jill, but no." (Kelly) "They found a better paying job with no benefits or future?" (Carlie) "Another nice guess Kelly, but no again." (Sabrina) "They went back to school to get a better education so they can find a good paying job with benefits and a future?" (Carlie) "No Sabrina, I'm afraid it's even more sinister than that. I'm thinking these girls are the victims of a lesbian sex slave ring." (All three Angels slap their foreheads with their hands as if to say,"How could I have not guessed that") (Sabrina) "Wait a minute Carlie. Is this the same lesbian sex slave ring we thought was responsible for the bank collapse, but weren't able to prove." (Jill) "And the same lesbian sex slave ring we thought was responsible for nine eleven, but also weren't able to prove?" (Carlie) "The very same one Angels. Only this time, they really crossed the line."...to be continued.
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gffphann
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Sex Scene Of The Crime

Introduction: This is one of the TV show ideas for the GGN film. It's sort of like those crime documentaries that you see on the ID Discovery channel. The show opens with a street scene as we see the host, an older man wearing a trench coat and hat.

(Host) "Hello everyone, and welcome to another edition of...Sex Scene Of The Crime...I'm Keith Kurtis. When most people think of crime, they think of the bright lights of the big cities. But being that crime can occur anywhere, the impact can be felt especially hard in places where we least expect them. Tonight on Sex Scene Of The Crime, how an open bedroom window, even in a small community, can be an invitation to...a night of terror."

(The scene switches as we see two young women sitting on a sofa, watching TV as we hear the host in voiceover. As he speaks, we see the scene playing out.) (Host) "Sunday, June 2ND, 2013. All was quiet in the tiny suburb of Thornhill where Sarah and Jennifer, two young attractive roommates, were about to turn in for the evening, not knowing the sinister event that was about to unfold, that would change their young lives...forever. Jennifer began on her way to her bedroom when Sarah, who was following close behind, decided she was not quite ready to turn in just yet, and wanted to have some fun...with Jennifer. At first Jennifer was not quite sure just what kind of fun Sarah had in mind, but soon it became(Sarah drops her top)...all to obvious."

"As Sarah approached, Jennifer slowly backed away, unsure if this was something she wanted to participate in. Undaunted, Sarah stepped forward, inching closer as Jennifer soon found her back against the wall. Now, face to face, and as close as she could be, Sarah reached out her hand and gently stroked her roommates' long blonde hair, causing Jennifer to blush...ever so slightly. Encouraged by this, Sarah pressed forward, until their two fit bodies...were touching. Carefully, and oh so slowly, Sarah lightly traced her fingertips across her roommates' shoulders, looking for any sign of resistance. Seeing none, she moved in to kiss as Jennifer turned her head away. Hesitantly, Sarah kissed her anyway, on the cheek. Followed by another and yet another, before placing her hand under Jennifer's chin and with very little effort, was able to turn Jennifer so that the two were face to face again."

"Sarah then backed away and slowly began to disrobe, with Jennifer trying not to look, but somehow unable to stop herself from doing so. Now, completely naked, Sarah once again approached Jennifer. The two just stood like that for several seconds before Sarah, once again, moved in to kiss. Unlike the first time, Jennifer did not turn her head away and the two kissed, lightly at first, before progressing into a full passionate kiss that only true lovers could engage in. Sarah then backed away and without even having to say a word, watched as Jennifer also disrobed. Now both naked, the two stepped back, taking in the splendor of their beautiful bodies before the two embraced and kissed again before finally slipping into...Jennifer's bed."

(At this point, the narration stops as we see the two going at it in a long passionate sex scene. After they finish, we see the two lying in bed as we hear the host in voiceover.) (Host) "With their lust satisfied, Sarah went to open the bedroom window to cool down when she noticed the headlights of a vehicle fast approaching their corner residence. Sarah called to Jennifer with her roommate getting to the window just in time to see the vehicle slow, signal and then turn right at the stop sign. From their vantage point, it was clear the vehicle never made a complete stop before turning, a clear violation of the traffic laws. Horrified at what they just witnessed, the two women rushed to the phone and called...the police."

(The scene switches back to the host in the street) (Host) "More than four years have passed since that night of terror. And to this day, the driver of the vehicle has never been found and brought to justice. As for Sarah and Jennifer? The memory still haunts them. And has become so debilitating, they can only have hot mind blowing sex three times a day...and four times, a night. That's all the time we have for this episode. Please tune in next time, when we'll tell the story of Jan and Alice, two young attractive lovers, who, after going at it hot and heavy in their car, catch a litterbug...in the act. That's next time on...Sex Scene Of The Crime...Join us, won't you?"
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gffphann
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This was a thread I had going on another forum and decided to try it here with a few changes...

Lush Stories has decided to start producing adult films and have hired you as its' new producer. Being that this is a stories site, they want their films(unlike most or even all other porn films)to have a real story of some kind, maybe even to the point of being able to stand on its' own should the sex scenes be cut from the film. You are given complete freedom to make whatever film you wish with the only restriction being you are limited to stay within the Lush Stories accepted story categories. The key here is to not inhibit your creativity. You want to make a super big budget film? Knock yourself out. You want to make a small budget or midsize budget film? That's fine too. How about a musical? Hey, that's okay even if no one can sing. You want to have a lot of dialog? Why not? You want to let the camera tell the story? Hey, they're all for it. You're the producer, remember? You can go into as much or as little detail as wish.

Some ideas I posted on the other forum:

GGN (The Girl Girl Network)...A big budget film about a fictional TV network. It will be a two disc set, the first of which will look like a night of prime time programming with a variety of TV shows and fake commercials. The second disc will be a movie of the week(the feature film).

The Lesbian X files...A parody of the popular X Files show as Agents Scunny and Muffer try to solve the mystery of a missing corpse, which by all accounts isn't human.

The Hot Case Files Of Rebecca Sloan...A series of short stories as told in voiceover by a veteran police detective of her hottest, sexiest cases.

Short (Skirt) Stories...A series of short stories all with the common theme of short skirts or dresses.

The (Lesbian) College Experience...A fake documentary with women telling of their lesbian experiences in college(with the lighting darkened to hide their identities)before we see the scene playing out as they speak in voiceover before, during(at key points) and after the sex.
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gffphann
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Quote by DamonX


Tonight is the gold medal game for women's hockey between Canada and The USA.

In, my opinion this is the best rivalry in sports. I know it doesn't get the media attention because people don't care about females sports as much, but no other two teams have battled for top spot as consistently in any sport as these two.

After winning the gold in 1998, the US has fallen to Canada in every Olympics since. The US, on the other hand has won 8 of the last 10 world championships.

The IOC has actually considered eliminating women's hockey from the Olympics because the US and Canada are so dominant. But I feel that would stifle women's hockey in all countries. In 1987, Canada beat Switzerland 19-0. Now... it's more like 6-0. In ten years, the playing field will be more equal.

In the meantime, let's relish this rivalry...

It will be hard to top Virtue and Moir's emotional gold medal win... but maybe a shootout victory for gold in Women's hockey would do it?

I honestly don't really care about the men's hockey. Without NHL players, it's just not the same.

I just hope that I can stay awake long enough to actually see the game tonight... Fucking time zones.... Why can't all things just be on American time!?

Hopefully the Koreans wont have to bus people in to fill the stands like they have with other events...



Every time the Olympics come around, I tell myself that I'm not going to watch. And then the games start, I watch an event, and then I'm hooked. Pretty soon, I'm watching as much of it as I can. This year, I really haven't watched much, just a few of the curling events, speed skating and women's hockey. And I wasn't getting into any of it, save for one curling event between the USA and Denmark. Tonight, however, I did watch the hockey game between the USA and Canada. For the most part, I thought both teams were a little sloppy(maybe nerves), but it was still a good game. Both teams competed, seemed to be evenly matched, and the overtime period produced the best action of the night. Good call on the shootout. I thought both goaltenders were great in net and both Canada and the USA in the shootout had some really beautiful goals where they faked the goaltenders out.
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gffphann
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From a movie called 'The Man In The Moon'. This is the music from the ending scene of the film. Music can also be memorable and I thought this one fit the scene perfectly.
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gffphann
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Dirtier Harry...A Dirty Harry remake with a more extreme version of him.

(Scene opens with Harry in bed with a young woman obviously having just had intimate relations)(Harry) "Well?" (Woman) "Well what?" (Harry)"Ready to go another round?" (Woman)"Again? Aren't you tired yet?" (Harry)" I know what you're thinking. He just blew several loads and there's no way he could possibly have anything left. To be perfectly honest, in all the excitement, I lost track myself, but considering this (he looks down at his penis) is a 44 Callahan Special, the most powerful wally whopper known to mankind and could blow your head clean off, you have to ask yourself...'Do I feel lucky?'...Well, do you punk?"

(Woman)"Who do you think you are, talking to me like that?" (Harry)"It's not who I think I am, it's who I know I am, Inspector Harry Callahan, the toughest, the roughest, the meanest and yes, the dirtiest, in a good way, cop in the free world." (Harry lays back and closes his eyes for several seconds before opening them again, looking at the woman) (Harry)"Well?" (Woman)"Well what?" (Harry)"What are you waiting for?" (Then after looking at his penis) "Go ahead, make my day." (Woman)"Make your own day, I'm leaving!" (She gets up, grabs her clothes and without dressing, storms out the front door)(Harry)"Wait! I was only joking!" (He puts on his pants as quickly as he can and runs out the front door)(Harry)"Stop! Come back!" (Then he runs back in his apartment, grabs his 44 and runs back out)(Harry)"Halt! Freeze!" (He aims his gun, but before he can fire, she disappears around the corner. Harry returns to his apartment and angrily paces back and forth before picking up his phone to place a call)

(Harry)"Yeah, this is Inspector Callahan. Let me speak to the captain." (He paces back and forth as he waits) (Harry)"Yeah Captain, do you have any new or unsolved homicide cases that need to be looked into?...How about any armed robberies or sexual assaults?...Burglaries?...How about petty crimes? I'll take anything, even jay walking...What's that?...Yeah, yeah, I know it's my day off, but right now, I really, really need to shoot someone...So you don't have anything?...You do have something? What is it?...Come to the office? Can't you tell me over the phone?...Okay then, I'll be there in 15. This better be good."

(Scene switches to the Captain's office as his receptionist comes to the door and announces that Callahan had arrived)(Captain)"Send him in." (Callahan after walking in)"Okay Captain, what have you got for me?" (Captain)"Sit down Callahan." (Harry takes a seat and waits patiently as the captain gathers his thoughts)(Captain)"There's no easy way for me to say this...You're being transferred." (Harry)"Transferred? Why? I get things done, don't I?" (Captain)"It's the way you get things done Callahan. Let's just say it doesn't fit with how we prefer the department to be run." (Harry)"In what way?"

(Captain)"Remember that armed bank robbery we had last year? The one involving the yellow truck?" (Harry)"Of course I do. I pulled the driver over, ordered him out of his vehicle, shot him in the leg and stomped on him until he confessed." (Captain)"Yes. yes you did. Did you notice the vehicle wasn't even a truck?" (Harry)"Well Captain, in my defense, the driver did match the description of the suspect and his vehicle was yellow." (Captain)"Yeah. School bus yellow." (Harry)"Well how was I supposed to know?" (Captain)"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because there were children on board...and 'school bus' was written on it!"

(Harry)"That driver should have told me he was a school bus driver." (Captain)"According to him and several eyewitnesses, he did!" (Harry)"Well how was I supposed to hear him with a bus load of screaming children?" (Captain)"Which they were doing because of what you were doing to that poor bus driver!" (Harry)"Okay, I'll grant you that one. But transferring me over one mistake..." (Captain) "It's not just one mistake Callahan. Remember that serial case we were working on 6 months ago?" (Harry)"What about it?" (Captain)"You killed him." (Harry)"And there's a problem with that?" (Captain)"You killed him with a missile launcher. You wiped out the whole top floor of an office building!" (Harry)"I had to. I didn't know which office he was in." (Captain)"You're lucky no one else was on that floor. It's too bad I can't say the same thing about the passenger jet you shot down when you missed with the first shot. You wouldn't believe the red tape I had to go through to make that one disappear."

(Harry)"Yeah, that missile launcher had more kick than I expected." (Captain)"More kick? Why would you even have such a weapon?" (Harry with gritted teeth and squinty eyes) "Why wouldn't I?" (Captain)"Why wouldn't...? Callahan, I don't even know what to say. Look, it's not just about the way you do things. No one here wants to work with you." (Harry)"What are you talking about? I've had plenty of partners." (Captain)"Which is exactly why no one wants to work with you." (Harry)" I admit I've had some bad luck with partners..." (Captain)"Bad luck? Is that what you call it? Let's just talk about some of your bad luck."

(Captain)"You shot Detective Gump in the buttocks." (Harry)"He had it coming. He was sitting down on the job too much." (Captain)"You shot Lieutenant Taylor..." (Harry)"Who?" (Captain)"Dan Taylor." (Harry)"Oh yeah, Lieutenant Dan." (Captain)"You shot both his legs off with your 44." (Harry)"He had it coming. He wasn't sitting down on the job enough." (Captain)"You shot Detective Bubba in the face." (Harry)"He had it coming. I didn't like the way he looked." (Captain)"Then you shot him again in the hospital." (Harry)"Oh, wait a minute. That's right, I shot him in the face because he owed me money. Then I shot him in the hospital because I didn't like the way he looked after I shot him. Either way, he had it coming."

(Captain)"How about Detective Bannon? What did you shoot him for?" (Harry)"I don't recall any Detective Bannon." (Captain)"That's probably because you shot him on his first day." (Harry)"Believe me Captain, when I shoot someone, there's good reason." (Captain)"What reason could there possibly be? You shot him as soon as you two were out the front door." (Harry)"What did you say his name was?" (Captain)"Bannon." (Harry)"I meant his first name." (Captain)"Bruce." (Harry)"Oh yeah, Bruce Bannon. I knew there was a good reason for shooting him." (Captain)"Which was...?" (Harry)'I don't like the name, Bruce." (Captain)"You shot him because you didn't like his name?" (Harry)"Can you think of a better reason?" (Captain after staring at Harry for a few seconds)"That should be an easy question to answer, but for some reason I can't. Can't you can see why no one wants to work with you?"

(Harry)"What about Detective O'Malley. I haven't seen him in a while." (Captain)"That's because you shot him in the head five years ago." (Harry)"Five years ago? Then he should be recovered by now." (Captain)"You shot him with your 44. You blew his head completely off. People don't recover from injuries like that." (Harry)"Well maybe not right away, but we're talking five years here." (Captain)"People don't recover ever from injuries like that! Look, it's out of my hands. The transfer has been approved and that's that." (Harry)"So when does it take effect?" (Captain)"There's no time like the present." (Harry)"You mean now, like at this very moment?" (Captain nods his head) (Harry)"Can I at least say goodbye to the others?" (Captain)"Do you have your weapon with you?" (Harry)"Of course, I'm always packing." (Captain)"In that case, no. We're already shorthanded enough around here as it is."
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gffphann
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continued..

Commercial: (We see an old man with wings attached to his shoulders)(Old Man to the viewers) "Hi! I'm Clarence Oddbody, Angel Second Class...Oops! Old habits die hard. I used to be an Angel Second Class. It just took me so long to earn my wings, I just got used to the idea that I would never be an Angel First Class. And I wasn't the only one. There were plenty of others. Once I did earn my wings, I thought to myself that there just had to be a better way. And that's when I invented my AS2 Angel Wings."

"Now instead of earning your wings, you can just buy them and become Angel First Class just like me. Trust me, you're going to want that, because the difference between first class and second class is significant." (He cups and hand to the side of his mouth like he's telling a secret) "You should see the porn they're watching up there. Here are some actual satisfied customers."

(We see an old woman) (Old Woman) "When my husband was on his death bed, his last words to me was..."At least now I won't have to listen to you nagging me all the time."..."He thought there was no way I was going to make it to Heaven and he was probably right. But now with these AS2 Angel Wings, I'll be able to fly straight in. And trust me, when I get there, he's going to wish he went to Hell instead."

(We next see a middle aged man) (Man) "I've been in and out of prison practically my whole life. Yeah, there was no way I was going to make it to Heaven, be it first or second class. But now with my AS2 Angel Wings plus my trusty AK47, just try and stop me from entering the pearly gates mother fuckers!"

(Clarence) "My AS2 Angel Wings are light weight, durable and look so real, no one, and I mean no one will know that they're not real. Satan, himself could get in. Just call the number on your screen and make sure you do it before you die. And if you order within the next ten minutes, we'll throw in a second pair of AS2 Angel Wings for free, so now you can pass one onto a friend. Who knows? Maybe the'll write you a note, saying..."Thanks for the wings."
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gffphann
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continued...

Commercial: (We see a well to do neighborhood as we hear an announcer speak) (Announcer) "The American dream, owning your own home. But not everyone can afford to live in neighborhoods like this. People with little income are left out in the cold when it comes to owning their own home...until now." (We see a slum like neighborhood) "Welcome to Potterr's Field! Here, you will find homes that are priced just right for all you miserable, lazy, discontented rabble incapable of ever becoming part of a thrifty working class. People like Ernie Bishopp, who sits around on his brains all day, driving a cab." (We see Ernie with a sad look on his face) (Ernie) "I'm just happy to have a roof over my head. I'm not saying my house actually has a roof on it, I'm just saying, is all."

(Announcer) "Just listen to what other satisfied residents have to say." (We see a middle aged woman) (Woman) "I've been kicked out of so many places, my head was spinning. Of course that could have been from the drugs. Then I found this place. It's everything I have ever dreamed of...or maybe that's still the drugs." (Next we see a middle aged man) (Man) "I've been living in cardboard boxes in filthy urine and feces stained alleys all my life. Then a drug dealer told me about Potterr's Field. I paid a visit and fell in love with the place. How could I not? As soon as I set foot on the property, I thought to myself...This place looks and smells like home."

(Announcer) "Each Potterr's Field home comes with running water when it rains, wood burning walls and a community fire pit to do all your cooking and disinfecting. And since it's located in the middle of a dump site, garbage pick up is free. Just throw it out any door or window. No matter where it lands, it's in the right place. Bad credit? No problem! All you need to do is sign over anything you have of value including your immortal soul. So come on down and check us out at 666 Devil's Way. That's Potterr's Field. When shit's all you can afford.
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continued...

Commercial: (We see an old man in a bar as he serves a customer a drink before turning to the viewers) (Old Man in an exagerated Italian accent) "Mama Mia! Are youah looking for a friendly bar with a friendly staff to spendah some goodah times? Then lookah no further thanah my place, Martini's Place. Every oneah get alongah here. No fights...Well, we hadah oneah once whenah Mr. Welch punch my good friend, Georgah Baylee inah the face. But I tellah my bartender, Nick, thatah Mr. Welch, he no come here no more. Right Nick?" (Nick) "Right Boss."

(Martini) "And besidesah being a friendly place, we also servah gretah drinks. We no servah no watered downah drinks here." (Customer) "Hey Nick! I'll have another please. And make it a double." (Nick) "No problem. Two milkshakes coming right up." (Martini to the viewers) "Seeah whatah I mean?"

(Martini) "And notah justah that, we also havah funah activities, likah for instance...Tuesday Nightah is a wetah tee shirt night. That'sah right. Every customer who comes inah onah Tuesday gets a free wetah tee shirt. Hey, I no understand. I justah know thatah whenever the bar acrossah the street has a wetah tee shirt night, I loosah my customers. What canah I say? You have to keep upah withah the times, I guess."

"So comah on downah and say hello. You'll be gladah you did." (Then he breaks out in a song) "Oh so lo mio! Oh so lo mio!"
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continued...

Commercial: (We see an old man waiting on a female customer. She thanks him and he tells her to have a nice day before turning to the viewer)

(Old Man) "Hello, I'm old man Gower of Gower's Pharmacy. You wouldn't know it from looking at me, but I used to experience so much pain in my fingers and wrists, that performing a simple task like filling a prescription was virtually impossible. Why it was getting so bad, I couldn't even slap my delivery boys' ear bloody anymore. Then a friend told me about Phalangicure, the medicated lotion I rub on once in the morning and then once at night before I go to bed. In next to no time at all, the pain was completely gone."

"Filling prescriptions is no longer a problem, I'm slapping my delivery boys' ear bloody again. Heck, I'm even slapping his nose and lips bloody now. And if that wasn't enough, I'm even back to indulging in my most favorite activity of all. I tell you, I haven't jerked off like that since I was a horny, pimply faced teenager." (Another customer comes in and he waits on her as we hear an announcer speaking in voiceover)

(Announcer) "Phalangicure is not for everyone. Do not use Phalangicure if you have a heart condition, high blood pressure, suffer from masturbation guilt, or have sharp or jagged fingernails. Side effects include heavy breathing, profuse sweating, blistering of the fingers, chafing of the penis and if you're a female, getting groped by dirty old men who are no longer experiencing pain in their fingers and wrists."

(We see the customer leave as a delivery driver comes in with two packages) (Delivery Driver to Gower) "Here's your new supply of pharmaceuticals and...(He looks around to make sure no one is within ear shot)...your weekly porn films. You sure do watch a lot of them." (Gower after signing for the packages and turning to the viewers with a smile on his face) "And thanks to Phalangicure, I don't have to just watch them anymore." (Then he gives an exagerated wink)
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(Studio Host) "Some tense moments in the Bedford Falls locker room. One had to wonder from seeing that if there would even be a second half. Thankfully, it looks like George Baylee has gotten back control of the locker room in what should be an exciting second half. But before we get to that, here are the results of the earlier games... The Knife Wielders castrated the Serial Rapists, 34 to 10. The Wife Beaters were themselves beaten by the Wife Beater Beaters, 30 to 13. The Liberal Lefties and the Conservative Right Wingers fillerbustered each other into a scoreless tie. In the upset of the day, the Long Necked Geese used a suffocating defense to choke the life out of the Big Handed Stranglers, 12 to nothing and last, but certainly not least, the Chicken Fuckers cock a doodle doo'd the Fighting Roosters 63 to 3. The latter team, for some reason, not putting up a fight."

"That will do it for halftime. We'll return for the second half kickoff with our game announcers, Bud Foster and Rock O'Bronski, right after these messages."

to be continued...
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(George) "I can't believe this. Are you forgetting what life is like in this town whenever Potterr beats us? Joe! Remember how Potterr had his goons spray paint what a loser you were on your garage door? And remember how he posted naked pictures of your wife on billboards all over town and worse, made sure everyone knew that the ugly bitch really was your wife? You, Ed! Remember how you broke your leg in last years' game? And remember how I let you sit out a couple of plays before pushing you out onto the field where you promptly broke your other leg? You think Potterr would have let you do that? He would have shoved you back onto the field on the very next play."

"We have to stick together on this. I'm tired of coming here every year and losing every year. This town needs this victory, if for no other reason, so people can cheer for a team without having to crawl to Potterr."

(Team Mate) "Potterr's paying us to stay home. Maybe you should pay us to play." (Other Team Mates) "Yeah!" (George) "You...you want me to pay you?" (Team Mate) "Why not?" (Other Team Mates) 'Yeah!" (George) "You've got this all wrong. This is a football game. You're acting like we keep a safe here. There's no money here. It's in Tom's house and Joe's house. It's in all our houses. That's where we keep our money...am I right?" (Team Mate) "Well, I've heard enough. I'm going home." (Another Team Mate) "Yeah, fifty cents is better than nothing." (George) "No! Wait!"

(George's wife Mary, while holding a wad of cash in her hand) "Hey everyone! How much do you need?" (George) "Hey, I've got some money here. I can pay you from this." (Everyone rushes over) (George) "Tom, how much would you play for?" (Tom) "I'll take two dollars and fifty cents." (George) "Oh come on Tom, Potterr was only going to pay you fifty cents." (Tom) "I'll take two dollars and fifty cents. Two dollars and fifty cents isn't going to break anyone." (Another Team Mate) "Yeah!" (George) "Tom, you've got to be reasonable here." (Tom) "I'm going home." (Everyone starts going with him) (George) "Okay, okay! Here's the deal. A dollar for everyone now and if we win the game, two dollars and fifty cents for everyone." (Tom after thinking about it for a few seconds) "Well, I'm in." (Other Team Mates after looking at each other) "Count us in too." (George) "Okay, now we're talking."

to be continued...
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(Studio Host) "Now normally at halftime, we just break to the halftime show, usually a hot woman doing another hot woman with a strap on at the fifty yard line. Appropriate, you know, it being Christmas and all, but this year we decided to break with tradition and let you, the viewer, listen in on the halftime pep talks by both coaches. We take you now to Potterrsville locker room with coach and player, Mr. Henry Potterr."

(Potterr) "Men, I don't have to tell you how important this game is. There's class warfare going on between the have's...Us...and the have not's...You already know who they are. A bunch of good for nothing, lazy rabble. We can't have George Baylee stirring up any hope. It's time we crush them. Put them back in their places where they belong. George Baylee himself, called me a warped, frustrated old man. Well I say it's time we turned him into a warped, frustrated young man. If it means we have to kill every last one of them, then so be it...Also Merry Christmas."

(Studio Host) "And now we take you to the Beddford Falls locker room where there appears to be some kind of mutiny going on. Coach Baylee is standing in front of the locker room door, trying to prevent his team from leaving."

(George) "No, Wait! I beg you not to do this. Do you see what's going on here? Potterr's not trying to win, he's trying to get us to lose. How? I'll tell you how. Because we're panicking and he's not. We have to stick together. If he divides us, we have no chance of winning!" (Team Mate) "We have no chance of winning anyway." (George) "That's not true. The game's tied for crying out loud. We win the half, we win the game."

(Another Team Mate) "I'm not supposed to say this, but Potterr offered me fifty cents to just go home and relax for the rest of the game." (Other Team Mates) "Yeah!" (George) "Fifty cents? Is that all it takes to corrupt you?" (Team Mate) "It is when he tries to suicide bomb your huddle!" (George) "And you know who that suicide bomber was? It was Ernie Bishopp, the cab driver. I have it on good authority that Potterr paid him fifty cents to deliver what Ernie thought were water bottles to our huddle. If he offered you fifty cents to go home, he probably has your house rigged to explode when you get home." (Team Mate) "Well, that could be, but then again, it's fifty cents."

to be continued...
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Joined in progress:

(Studio Host) "It's halftime here in what has become a holiday tradition...the annual Christmas Eve football game between the Beddford Falls Building And Loaners and the Potterrsville Slum Lords with the score tied zero to zero. These games have traditionally been hard hitting and the first half was no exception with numerous injuries to both teams. Here now with an update is sideline reporter, Lisa Woods."

(Lisa) "I asked Beddford Falls coach and player, George Baylee the reason for his teams' lack of scoring and he was quick to point out the numerous injuries his team suffered early on. He told me his running back can't run, he's got a broken ankle. His quarterback can't throw, he's got a bum shoulder. His top receiver can't catch, he's got a broken hand and his kicker can't kick, he's got a broken nose. I asked him..."Your kicker can't kick because of a broken nose?"...He responded and I'm quoting here..."No, he just can't kick. That's why I broke his nose."...Coach Baylee did tell me that because of the injury to his quarterback, that he would be taking over that position in the second half."

"As for Potterrsville, the only serious injury to report is to one of their backup players who attempted to suicide bomb the Beddford Falls huddle when, unfortunately, the vest he was wearing detonated too soon, blowing him to bits. His return is listed as doubtful. I now send it back to the studio."

(Studio Host) "Thanks for that report, Lisa. And now it's time for the Asswipe Wipes scoring summery. Brought to you by Asswipe Wipes. Whether it's hard and chunky, soft and mushy or runny and messy, Asswipe Wipes has the ass wipe for all your ass wipe needs. And now for the summery...Potterrsville scored no points and Beddford Falls scored no points. This has been the Asswipe Wipes scoring summery, brought to you by Asswipe Wipes. Asswipe Wipes, makes a great gift."

to be continued..
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gffphann
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Years ago, I informed my family(living in another state)that I would no longer visit during the Christmas holidays. The traveling was a real pain, so I planned my vacation travels when less people were doing so.

Work was usually busy that time of year anyway, so it worked out for my employer too. On that first year of staying at home, Christmas fell on a Thursday, so my employer was kind enough to give us the day after Christmas off so we could have a long weekend. Of course this meant we would have to work on Christmas Eve and since I worked the night shift, my Christmas day plan was to just sleep in. It may sound silly, but I was really looking forward to doing that.

But after I got home, I found myself wide awake. Unable to sleep, I decided to see what was on TV. Back then, I didn't have cable, so my viewing was limited to the networks and one local independent channel which mostly showed old TV shows and movies. I checked the TV Guide(Do they still publish those?)and saw that channel was showing "It's A Wonderful Life"(My favorite holiday film)and even though it had started an hour earlier, decided to watch it.

What I saw was definitely not "It's A wonderful Life". Adult type programming was not the norm back then. The station issued an apology a few days later to anyone who may have been offended and announced the employee who was responsible had been terminated. No one knew where he had gotten the film or why he decided to play it on the air(perhaps he was angry about having to work on Christmas Eve or maybe it was meant to be a harmless prank that went too far) but whatever the reason, the film was never seen again and was presumed destroyed.

And so now, I present to you(a Christmas card to the forum if you will)what I saw that night(as best I can remember)in all it's uncensored glory. Enjoy.
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Summer The First Time...Artist: Bobby Goldsboro...This predates MTV and was probably one of the earliest music videos made.
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Enterpuss...A very adult and comedy version of Star Trek...Cast of characters: Captain Kink, First Officer Mr. Scock, Dr. DcCoy AKA Stones, Communications Officer Ooh Ooh Ra, Chief Engineer Miss Hott AKA Hottie, Mr. Screwloo and Mr. Jackoff

"Space, the final frontier...These are the voyages of the Star Ship Enterpuss...Its' continuing mission...To explore strange new worlds... To seek out (well you know the rest)

"Captain's log, star date 6969. With The Enterpuss undergoing repairs, Dr. DcCoy and I had some time to catch up on old times. The conversation was light until the subject of my new first officer came up."

(DcCoy) "I don't know Jim. There's something about Mr. Scock that makes me believe you should consider someone else for first officer." (Kink) "What exactly do you mean?" (Before DcCoy can answer, Scock enters) (Scock)"Captain, engineering has completed repairs. The Enterpuss is set to go on your command." (Kink) "Thank you Mr. Scock. I'll be on the bridge shortly." (Scock while giving the Vulcan piece sign) "Live long and prosper." (He then turns and exits)

(Kink)"He seems fine to me Stones." (DcCoy) "It's a good thing you're not a doctor." (Kink)"What's that supposed to mean?" (DcCoy) "As ships' physician, I'm responsible for performing complete physical examinations on every man, woman and alien on board The Enterpuss." (Kink)"Your point, Stones?" (DcCoy)"My point is I just gave Mr. Scock his. He just flipped you the Vulcan equivalent of the finger."

(Kink)"You're saying Scock has two of them?" (DcCoy after nodding his head)"I tell you Jim, I've never seen anything like it. He can make them move independently of each other in any direction and at multiple speeds. It wouldn't surprise me if he could tie his shoes with them." (Kink)"Come on. Tie his shoes?" (DcCoy)"It's true. Nurse Fapple was so frightened by them that she locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out. I could actually hear her moaning in fear. She was in there so long, I had to get Hottie to beam her out. By the way, you need to have someone look at the transporter. When it beamed her out, her clothes were rearranged, like someone had been trying to rip them off and it didn't even beam her panties with her. It just left them on the bathroom floor."

(Kink)"I'll have Hottie look into it." (Just then we hear Ooh Ooh Ra on the transmitter)"Ooh Ooh Ra to Captain Kink." (Kink)"Kink here. Go ahead Ooh Ooh Ra." (Ooh Ooh Ra)"Captain, there's an urgent message from Starfleet. Captain's eyes only." (Kink)"Thank you Ooh Ooh Ra. Patch it through to my quarters."

(DcCoy)"I guess this is where I make my exit." (Kink)"Duty calls Stones." (After DcCoy leaves, Kink takes the message as we see an older man on the viewing screen) (Kink)"Admiral Hollings! To what do I owe this pleasure?" (Hollings)"No need for formalities, Jim. Captain's eyes only, remember?" (Kink)"I appreciate that. So what can I do for you?" (Hollings)"I hate to do this to you, but Starfleet has a new assignment for you." (Kink)"No problems, The Enterpuss is glad to be of service." (Hollings)"That's good to hear. We need you to plot a course for Tallis Five. There you will pick up two passengers, one of whom you're quite familiar with...Captain Pike." (Kink)"You mean...?" (Hollings)"That's right, the former Captain of The Enterpuss."

(Kink)"And who's the other passenger?" (Hollings)"I'm not at liberty to say. Captain Pike will fill you in about that. Now once you pick them up, you will turn command of the ship back to Pike, is that understood?" (Kink)"Understood." (Hollings)"Good. There is something I feel I must warn you about...Pike has had extensive surgery." (Kink)"Extensive surgery? Was there some kind of accident?" (Hollings) "Once again, I'm not at liberty to say. I wish I could tell you more." (Kink)"That's quite alright. I understand." (Hollings)"I just wanted you to be prepared...The Captain Pike you and I both knew no longer exists." (Kink)"Well, thanks for the heads up."

(Hollings)"You have your mission. Good luck Jim...This message will self destruct in five seconds." (The scene switches to outside of Kink's quarters as we hear a loud explosion followed by the doors opening and smoke pouring out as Kink appears with his uniform and face covered in dirt before he staggers and falls to the floor as several crew members rush over. One squats down by Kink's side and asks..."Captain, are you alright?"...Kink lifts his head up and whispers something to the crewman before he falls unconscious..."What did he say?", another crewman asks...The other crewman has a confused look on his face as he answers..."He said he really wishes Admiral Hollings would learn the difference between five seconds and one second.")...to be continued.
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