The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
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According to a research carried out in Colombia, those who read their e-mails while grabbing the mouse, have little sexual performance.
I've never spied a woman through blinds. I have tried many times though. I wish I were the man who install blinds at convents.
Painting Nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their new habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
A sidecar is a one-wheeled device attached to the side of a motorcycle, producing a three-wheeled vehicle. Early sidecars were intended to be removable devices that could be detached from the motorcycle.
I'd remove de PORN button right away thus have a MUSIC button only, and I'm serious about this.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television, with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my son-in-law."
A man was sleeping on his deathbed. The man woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.
He said, " Martha, I have something to confess to you."
She said, "No dear, save your energy."
He said, "I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."
She said, " I know, I poisoned you."
&&&&&&&&&&&
Three nuns die and are at the gates of heaven and St. Peter pops up and says "Before you enter heaven you must each answer one question correctly".
The first Nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?" to which she replied "Adam" and was allowed into heaven.
The second Nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?" to which she replied "Eve" and was allowed into heaven.
The third Nun was asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" to which she replied "Ohh! That's a hard one"
&&&&&&&&&&&
Is the nun saying if this particular question was too difficult? or Eve was rather talking about how she had felt Adam's manhood at intercourse? ha, ha, ha!!
&&&&&&&&&&&&
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
4. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
5. It's best to have a soft place to land.
6. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
7. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
8. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
9. Once you learn, you never forget how.
10. If you fall off get right back on.
11. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
12. Remember to signal before you change direction.
13. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
14. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
15. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
16. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
&&&&&&&
Ok, buddies: which out of these 16 statements did you like the most? What about number one? You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
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Well, fuck, if I were this man I'd get suspicious too!!
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. Do you want to know why. Just listen to these marriage facts below.
1. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
2. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
3. Marcos and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Marcos says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
The Perfect Man
Author Unknown
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
Yeah, Nicola:
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
&&&&&&&&&&
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
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90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
&&&&&&&&
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
&&&&&&&&&&
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Marcos Urbina
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
%%%%%%%%%
Well, I've been trying to save a friend's marriage that's breaking up. To my dissapointment, too late: I concluded he lacked this on the joke above. What a pity.
As I had been watching the morning news yesterday, I learned about somebody young, a female, who jumped into the train tracks at a subway station in Mexico City to commit suicide. I figured out she was young and probable desperate, distressed to attempt this.
Again, as usual, I watched the breaking news today on TV and correspondents narrated the same story but abounded in details and it turned out to be a middle aged homeless woman who always did this sort of things: she gets down to the track trains through stairs in the station, gets on top of the rails suspiciously lying on them, taking precautions by doing this after a wagon has left the station so she won’t be rolled over.
Subway staff have known about this before and, being familiar with the woman always attempting this, they warn the next wagon speeding through this station to slow down or stop, thus having a chance to get down there with a sandwich which is handed to the woman while she immediately goes away. Everything is resumed then.
What do you think buddies, something out of the ordinary, ain’t it?
Yeah, I had heard about this one years ago. Pretty funy indeed. Thanks for posting it again.
