Mona said she was going to push me to see just how much humiliation I could take. How far would I go to please her? She loved doing it to me, of course, that’s how she got off. But, she explained, I wasn’t only doing it for her; I was doing it for myself. I had to push the envelope to discover who I really was and what I really needed. She said that she was the key that would unlock a part of me that was hidden deeper than silence. I was afraid of what I’d discover but I knew it was there, I’d felt its pull in the murmuring discontent that always floated above me like a thin, gray cloud in a clear blue sky. Mona was right. Mona was always right. She would degrade me . . . and I would be more excited than I had ever been before.

“Am I a sexual pervert,” I asked.

“It’s only natural,” she said.

I had met Mona the other night. She took me home where she and her young lover Carole had sexually humiliated me in ways I could never had imagined. They made me do things . . . no, I did things . . . they told me to do things . . .and I did them. And here’s the thing: they never laid a finger on me, never touched me. I did it to myself.

And at the depth, or was it the height, of my humiliation my cock was so hard it hurt and the orgasm that followed – by my own hand, dear god – was the most powerful I ever had.

“You need to be used,” Mona said. “You need a strong woman to control you and make you perform for her. The most intense pleasure you’ll ever know comes from the humiliation. Used and displayed. I’m going to see how much humiliation you can take, and then you can tell me how much you want it. It’s fun for me; it’s enlightenment for you.”

I couldn’t believe it could go further than it had that first night. I couldn’t possibly feel more humiliated.

I was wrong.

Two nights later I was back at Mona’s – voluntarily. She was having a small female gathering for wine, fun and hijinks. I was the hijinks: a sex toy to be used in front of everyone by the ladies as they saw fit.

But even before a single guest had arrived I had reached a new level of desperation.

Mona decided that she would take my cherry. It was critical for both of us, she explained, that she be the first.

She bent me over the arm of a big easy chair, had me spread my cheeks, and fucked me in the ass – my very first time getting what Mona assured me was what I really wanted. She pounded me with the fury of a demon from a child’s blackest nightmare. She fucked me hard, and I pushed back to help her . . . and I loved it. I was horrified, I was ashamed, but I loved it. And then she stood me up, told me to look her straight in the eye and masturbate for her. It was an even more powerful orgasm than the other night.

And then I turned my head and saw that Julie was there, that she had watched the whole thing.

Julie. Julie. My friend Julie who I’d had a crush on since the first day we met. Fuck that, Julie who I was desperately in love with like a moonstruck schoolboy. Julie, my ideal woman, who was unattainable, who would always be unattainable . . . until her boyfriend walked out on her and she turned to me for friendship and comfort, and suddenly the unattainable was, for a fleeting moment, actually possible.

Julie had seen everything, and I had discovered a new level of degradation. Julie walked over and looked down at me, crumbled on the floor, trying to squeeze myself into invisibility, and muttered something to Mona.

So now I was on my knees on the floor facing a full-length mirror Carole had retrieved from her bedroom. My forehead was on the rug and I was reaching back and spreading my ass.

I lifted my head just enough to look in the mirror. Behind me I could see Julie. She was still wearing the sleeveless white blouse but was naked from the waist down. Mona was helping her get into a strap-on harness with a hot pink dildo pointing right toward me. This was not how I dreamt it would be the first time I saw Julie naked.

They all came over. Mona said, “Let go of your ass and get on all fours, Ishy. I want you to look in the mirror and watch this.” Then Mona kneeled on one side of me, and Carole on the other. Each put a hand on my ass and spread my cheeks wide while Julie touched the tip of the strap-on to my anus and shoved it in hard with one thrust. I cried out more in astonishment at the rudeness of the entry than the pain, and I felt Julie’s body smack into my ass.

Julie started fucking me hard with quick in-and-out thrusts that kept coming and coming and coming with the relentlessness of someone discovering a power she’d never known before. She was making the tiniest little twist at the end of each penetration to increase the friction on her clit. And then she started slapping my ass, spanking me. She was in charge and she wanted me to know it. I saw her face in the mirror. I swear she was more beautiful than ever. She was taking me; there is no other way to put it. Her eyes were wide open the entire time, and all of a sudden she smiled and came with a massive spasm. Then she was still.

I could feel her body relax and then she pulled out of me, put a hand on each side of my ass and shoved me forward so I fell facedown on the floor. She stood up and walked away. She hadn’t said a word.

Carole rolled me over so that I was lying on my back. Was this it? I wanted to ask Mona. Certainly there’s no greater humiliation I could bear? I was as exposed and naked and pitiful as a boy could be. My eyes were filled with tears and I did, for maybe the very first time in my life, really want to ride away and hide. But my cock was super hard, pointing straight up like a rocket on the launch pad.

Carole flicked my hard-on with a finger, like you’d snap your index finger to shoot a crumb off the table. “You liked being fucked, don’t you Ishy?”

I turned to Mona. “How could you? Why did you bring her here? How could you do that to me.”

“It made it even better, Ishy, didn’t it? Admit it.” But Mona didn’t wait for an answer. She walked away. I saw her put her arm around Julie and they both went down the hallway, disappearing into the ether. Darkness seemed to be everywhere. I laid my head in Carole’s lap and cried softly.

“None of that now, Ishy,” she said. “The fun is just starting.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of deep-red ribbon, maybe an inch thick and a few feet long. She tied it loosely around my neck, leaving a strip about a foot long hanging down. I thought that it looked like a leash. Fuck, it was a leash.

We stood up and Carole led me over to the easy chair and told me to get down on all fours. She went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of water. “Here, have a drink, Ishy,” she said and handed me the glass. I took a few long gulps; she took the glass back. “Now wait here until somebody wants you.”

The doorbell rang.

***

Mona’s party guests all seemed to come at once. I knelt there watching as a small group of women came in, some singly and some in pairs. They seemed to range in age from 30 to 50 or so (though I’ve never been very good at estimating someone’s age) and were a good progressive’s mix of ethnicities. I looked at faces briefly, just long enough to be sure nobody there recognized me.

Some of them cast a quick glance my way. On a few occasions Mona pointed to me and told someone I was available for her amusement. A few of the women wearing pants took them off and walked around in their panties; a few skirts came off as well. Pretty soon everyone was drinking, getting loud, and having a fine old time. A petite Asian woman walked over and looked down at me for a few seconds. I bent my head down but she lifted it up with her hand under my chin. She took hold of the ribbon leash and led me over to the couch, which was full of women in animated conversation. She looked at two women who saw what she wanted and made some space between them. She lifted her skirt up and wiggled her butt into the small space made for her. She wasn’t wearing panties. She slid a little forward, spread her legs as much as she could, and pulled me toward her until my face was buried in her pussy.

“Go nice and slow,” she said to me. “I want to come a few times. Don’t stop until I tell you to.”

I ran my tongue around her vagina in slow circles, pausing now and then to dart in and out before continuing. I then moved up to her clit, licking slowly up and down and then side to side, gradually increasing speed until she started to make mewing sounds and gyrating her ass on the couch. I had been spreading her pussy lips with my hands, but now I let go and extended my arms under her thighs and lifted so that her pussy went up and her anus was exposed. I slid my tongue off her clit and licked straight down through her vagina all the way to her anus, licked her little hole a few times, and then went back up and went at her clit full tilt. She started bucking and shoving my head deeper into her and came with a shouted “Wow.”

I relaxed my mouth, and she shoved my head back in and said, “Again.” So I did it again. And then a third time.

Finally her shoulders drooped and her body slid back into the folds of the couch. Apparently she was done. The woman to her left, who’d been deep in conversation with a few friends, turned to her and asked, “Is he any good?”

“Really good,” she said. “You should try it.”

So she grabbed my red ribbon and pulled me over. She stood up, unbuttoned her skirt and let if fall to the floor. She also wore no panties. Plopping back down she spread her legs and moved my face right where she wanted it. “I have long orgasms,” she said, “so don’t slow down when I’m coming but rev it up a notch. I’ll try not to hurt you.”

And I was off again. Carole’s prediction came true. The women moved me down the line, from pussy to pussy. These women were insatiable. One tried to pull me back for a second go but another lady slapped her hand and grabbed the ribbon, saying “Don’t be greedy. I haven’t had a turn yet.”

At one point I was eating a particularly loud and responsive young lady who was freshly shaven (and smelled quite good). The women on each side of her grabbed a leg and spread her as wide as they could. Then they bent over to get as close a look. Another woman bent over my shoulder. The three of them started discussing my technique, commenting on various movements I was making with my tongue and how I was varying speeds, like announcers doing play-by-play at a ballgame.

In the few seconds I had to rest between women I looked around the room. I saw Julie sitting by herself in a chair by the window. She was wearing a long black robe that I assume she got from Mona and was sipping a glass of white wine. She was looking at me, taking in the whole scene, but her expression gave no clue to what she was feeling. I looked every chance I got, and she was always in the same position in the same place. I couldn’t bear that she was seeing me getting debased like this and stopped looking for her. I was flushed with shame. I hoped the women I was servicing would attribute the red in my cheeks to exertion and not dread . . . if they noticed anything at all.

Despite the warning I’d received earlier from Carole and the selection of strap-ons and lubes laid out on the table like party favors, nobody fucked me. (I realized later that Mona must have taken this option off the table so that she and Julie would be the only ones to violate me so pervasively.) Mostly I ate the women out, some of them multiple times. Two of them wanted to spank me and see how red my ass could get. I was laid across the laps of four women sitting side by side on the couch, and two of them took turns slapping my ass with their open hands, giggling about the hand prints they left on my cheeks. One of them took a small butt plug off the table behind the couch and gently poked it in and out of my anus a few times. I couldn’t help myself and stole a glance at Julie across the room. She looked right at me and shook her head just slightly from side to side, but she didn’t take her eyes off me.

Mona walked over and said to the women, “OK, enough of that,” and they let me roll off their laps back into a kneeling position on the floor.

One woman wanted me to lick her ass. She pulled me over to the easy chair and then lied down across the arm of the chair like I had when Mona fucked me. She pulled her own ass cheeks apart and said to me, “start licking.” I bent over and drew my tongue lightly up and down her crack a few times and then made little circles around her tight hole. “Tongue fuck me,” she said, and started to grind her pussy into the arm of the chair. “Faster, faster, faster,” she said as she rocked rhythmically and finally came with a shudder that went from her head to her feet. When she was done she pushed her ass back to get me off her and walked back to the conversation she’d left, plucking her wine glass off the end table where she left it without breaking stride.

I was on my knees by the armchair with my head bent down. Carole handed me a snifter and said, “Rinse your mouth with this and then drink the whole thing.” It was brandy.

A few women wanted more oral attention but this time they came over individually and had me do them while they sat in the armchair. Each simply stood up and walked away when she was done without looking at me. I suppose that was for the best.

I have no idea how long all this went on; but as with most parties, once the first person leaves all the other seem to follow quickly, like a line of trees catching fire in sequence. I looked over for Julie but she wasn’t there. A beam of moonlight pierced the window and spotlighted her empty chair; its emptiness seemed to mock me. But I was glad she wasn’t there to see me kneeling on the floor, my face coated with the dried effluvia of anonymous women.

The living room lights had been on when I was being used so all the juicy bits could be appreciated by everyone, but now the lights were down and a soft glow bathed the room. Mona came over to where I knelt and offered me her hand. I took it, and she pulled me up.

***

Mona led me into her bedroom, the first time I’d seen it. It was simple and tasteful. The walls were painted a pale blue-gray and were home to a number of abstract oil paintings; they looked like originals to me. There was a king-size bed and a small table between a pair of chairs in the bay window. At that point, though, it was all mostly a pastel blur to me, both in my eyes and in my thoughts.

Carole came in and sat in one of the chairs by the window. She was sipping a glass of red wine and had the broad smile she wore far too often for my taste.

Mona led me to the end of the bed and told me to sit. I did. I had no questions left. I couldn’t believe there was anywhere left she could take me. I was broken and exhausted. My nakedness had become an accepted fact along with my shame; shame at being so roughly and publicly used and shame at how much I’d wanted it.

The bathroom door opened and Julie came out. She was completely naked now except for the strap-on, which now carried a black dildo that was definitely larger than the one she’d used on me before.

I’d thought . . . I’d prayed . . . that she’d left. But here she was, and she was so beautiful, exactly what I’d always wanted. And now she was walking straight toward me to destroy whatever shreds of dignity I had left. And my cock was stirring at the thought.

“No. No. No more. I can’t take any more,” I said.

“Yes you can,” Mona said. “You need this. You’ll do it now.”

I simply dropped my head and started to get up so I could turn and bend over the edge of the bed.

“No,” Mona said. “Just lie down on your back right where you are.” And I fell backward from my sitting position, my ass on the edge of the bed and my feet on the floor.

“Ooooh. Now comes the fun part,” Carole said.

“Be quiet or you’ll have to leave the room,” Mona said. “Now come over here and help.” Carole came over and she and Mona stood on each side of me. Julie walked right up between my legs. The dildo was shiny with lube. Julie looked at me and briefly nodded a couple of times. I didn’t know if she was indicating that she was ready or if she was telling me to get prepared to cross one more line. I couldn’t bear to look at her face and turned away. Mona quietly said, “Look at her, Ishy.”

Carole and Mona each lifted one of my legs and put them on Julie’s shoulders as she stepped forward. My ass was lifted off the bed and was completely open. Even with everything I’d gone through so far, I never felt as exposed as I did at that moment. Julie flashed the briefest of smiles, touched the tip of the strap-on to my anus, and very slowly pushed it all the way in. She then pulled all the way out, and I gave a muted “Uhhhh” as the strap-on was gone and cool air filled my open asshole. And then she plunged back in and started fucking me steadily, pulling all the way out every time and then dancing right back in.

She kept going, harder and steadier, gradually increasing her speed. Mona and Carole let go of my legs, and Julie leaned forward a bit and grabbed me by the hips. Her fucking was getting wilder, as if she was possessed, as if she wanted to take every single bit of me, to claim me, to crush me. And I squeezed my eyes shut, loving and hating it at the same time, horrified that I felt that way.

“Don’t stop,” I yelled. “Please don’t stop.” Where the fuck did that come from?

And she didn’t. Julie looked down at me. “Is this what you want, Ishmael? Is this what you want? You want to be fucked like a little bitch, don’t you? Don’t you?”

They were the first word Julie had spoken to me since I saw her oh so many hours ago.

“Answer me,” she said. “You’re a little whore slut who needs his ass fucked. Aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

Julie was pounding me; there is no other way to describe it. And she was nailing me with her eyes as well. Whenever I opened my eyes I saw hers; our eyes locked on to each other as if in a duel to the end, which I always lost.

“Look at his cock,” Carole spit out in a tone that can only be called gleeful, and she clapped her hands. “It looks like it’s going to take off.”

And Carole was right. The smart sweet girl I daydreamed about was fucking my ass like I was the bitch next door she’d hated all her life. And I was as emotionally broken as a person could be. But my cock was reaching for the heavens.

Julie took my legs in her hands and lifted them off her shoulders. She pushed my legs up even higher, raising my ass completely off the bed. “You want to come, Ishy, don’t you? Well do it. Make yourself come. Do it now.”

As Julie continued to assault my ass I spit on my hand and began to go at my cock. I went hard and fast. Mona and Carole started chanting, “Go. Go. Go. Go.” And in no time I blew out a jet that landed on my chest and face. It was a mind-boggling orgasm. Julie kept going. About a minute layer she stopped abruptly and her entire body seized up. She froze for about fifteen seconds and then yelled, “Yes.” She leaned back and dropped my legs. Mona had to grab my arm to keep me from rolling off the edge of the bed.

I opened my eyes and looked around at the three women. Mona and Carole were grinning like big winners at the craps table. Julie was standing there as still as a statue. She was looking down at me with an incredulous expression that seemed to juggle triumph with pity. I wanted to run. I wanted to get as far away as I could so I’d never have to see her again. I didn’t ever want to see that expression again.

Finally Julie turned away and walked back into the bathroom and closed the door.

Mona helped me up.

“Mona,” I said. “What . . . I don’t . . ..”

“Shush,” she said, “not now, Ishy.”

“But Mona, how could you . . ..” I couldn’t get the rest of the words out. I wasn’t even sure what words they should be.”

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” she said, as she led me down the hallway and into the guest bathroom. She turned on the shower and waited for the water to heat up before adjusting it. “Clean yourself up now,” she said. I was in a trance. My mind was in suspended animation. I didn’t want to think about what had happened but images of the night’s events flitted through my mind: lying over Carole’s lap, getting fucked by Mona, servicing all those women like an assembly line, and Julie. I remembered the look in Julie’s eyes when she first came up to me; the look in her eyes reflected in the mirror as she fucked my ass; the look in her eyes from across the room as I spied her in the moments between licking all those pussies, the look in her eyes as she fucked me face up on the bed: it was the piercing look of someone peering through a crack in the universe and seeing a cold hard truth for the first time.

Mona stood by the sink while I was showering. As I stepped out of the shower she threw me a towel. After I dried off she took me by the hand and led me to a bedroom with pale cream walls and simple white curtains. There was a queen-sized bed against the wall next to a window that looked out onto the backyard garden.

“You’ll stay here tonight,” she said, as she pulled down the bedspread. She took the towel off me and I crawled into bed. She handed me two pills and a glass of water from the bedside table. “Take these, they’ll help you sleep.” I must have looked nervous because she said, “They’re just Ambien.” I swallowed them.

“Sleep well,” she said. She walked toward the door. “Do you want me to leave a light on?”

“No,” I said. I needed to burrow as deeply as I could into the darkness.

*************

Mona shook me awake. “Get up,” she said, and walked out of the room.

Still a little groggy from the pills, I stumbled into the dining room where Mona and Carole were having coffee and croissants, the newspaper spread out on the table. Carole was in full running regalia and had already come back from her morning jog. Mona was in the same long black robe she wore last night. I, of course, was naked.

“Can I put on my underwear at least?” I asked.

“No,” Mona said. “You know the rules.”

I looked around the living room; all that took place there last night rushed back to my brain. I couldn’t believe what had happened, especially the bookend ass fuckings from Julie. Just thinking of Julie filled me with horror at what I’d become.

“How could you do that to me?” I asked Mona.

“You knew what was going to happen.”

“I mean with Julie? How could you bring her into this? How could you?”

“I think the better question,” Mona said, “is how could I not?”

“What the fuck?”

“Be quiet, Ishy. Sit down on the floor here and play with yourself. I want you to be hard.”

I did as I was told.

“I explained this all to you before. I knew right away that arousal is intimately tied to humiliation for you. We’re not talking happiness here or any of that sentimental crap. We’re talking about what gets you so sexually wound up that you become a bomb. This is when you are most fully yourself, fully realized if you will. It’s who you are.

“And it’s exactly what turns me on. It’s a mind thing, the psychology of it all. I’m not some Backpage Dom who spanks you with a ping pong paddle and then lets you suck her toes for 350 bucks an hour. And I’m not some so-called lifestyle dominatrix. I don’t want to make you a slave, I don’t want to tie you up or see you crawl on the floor, and I don’t want to make you into a sissy.

“I want to humiliate you because that turns me on. But I also want to see who you really are when all the walls are down, when all the conscious and subconscious masks are gone. I want you to see it. So I will keep pushing you to see just how far you’ll go. How much you’ll expose yourself for the total release you crave.”

“But why Julie?” I pleaded.

“Who else? I know how you feel about her. Who could possibly be better? Besides, I was intrigued by Julie. I met her when we were both on a diversity committee at work. She’s very sharp and assertive. But she has those sweet pretty-girl looks, which I found quite disconcerting. I knew about you; I wanted to find out about her.”

“And what did you find out?” I asked.

“That she’s perfect for you.”

“You’re crazy. I don’t ever want to see her again. I can’t. I won’t.”

“Oh, don’t be silly. Of course you can.”

“No. It would be too much. I’d rather die.”

“Grow up, Ishy,” Mona said. “Haven’t you learned anything yet? Now turn around and get in your down position. Don’t make me tell you twice.”

I was whimpering and my eyes were watering as I bent over and spread my ass for Mona. My brain shook inside my skull as I imagined what I looked like in that position, and I trembled with shame as I imagined Julie looking at me like that. And despair engulfed me like a wet blanket when I understood that nobody forced me into that position. I put myself there. I must want it.

I was startled when Mona stuck a finger covered in lube up my ass. There was nothing gradual, she just rammed her finger in, pulled it out, and then stuck two lube-covered fingers in my ass, and then three. Then she replaced her fingers with a large hard object.

“I’m putting a butt plug in, Ishy,” Mona said. “ I want you to keep it in for at least eight hours a day. It will stretch your ass and keep reminding you of your place in the world.

“Now stand up.” My cock was hard, pointing up at my chin. Mona flicked it back and forth lightly with a butter knife. “You can take care of that yourself later,” she said.

“Get dressed and go home. I won’t need you anymore this weekend. I’ll call when I want you to come back. You will be clean and ready to perform. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Good. Go now.” Mona turned and went back to her newspaper.

“Bye Ishy,” Carole said. “I can’t wait to see more of you.”

I was crying softly as I dressed and let myself out. My world was in pieces on the ground; I tried not to step on them as I walked down the front stairs.