Sometimes, I daydream during work. Usually something completely awful. Perverted thoughts. All types of sexual adventures. They usually star you and me. Sometimes, though, just you. You naked. Gorgeous and free laying on a towel in the hot sun. You under the covers, in a cocoon of love. You in the shower, dripping wet and trying to wake yourself up.

Other times though, I picture you with other people. Co-workers. Ex-lovers. Random strangers. Exotic places. Our special places. Communal areas. I can never tell which I am fascinated with more: your naked body, or your godly sexual skills. You are one of the few people I believe should never be ‘caught’. No relationships. Never marriage. A guardian of free sex. Taking people to new levels. Experiencing feelings, they have never felt before. Life changing. Like you do for me.

Or that’s just our love. Its so hard to believe you could only have this effect on me. My knees wobble. I get wet instantaneously. You could turn me on with your pinky toe. I love you completely like I’ve never loved anyone else in my life. What type of magic is this? It can’t possibly be soul mates. You must have a soul to have a mate and one of us is severely lacking.

I just picture you freeing yourself from the hardships and responsibilities of life and being a sex guru. Offering a higher experience and giving women the peace of mind, you have given me. I wouldn’t get jealous I think, though I am not certain I could watch. I could watch you. You having an orgasm. Orgasms. You focusing on someone’s body. Eyeing every last detail and committing it to memory for future reference.

I think about you having sex in your office after work. Some poor woman stressing out over something small and you easing her mind, and body. Taking her by the hand and leading her into your dark office. Putting your hands on her face and kissing her so passionately she forgets the rest of the world. You undoing her blouse and kissing her neck. You stopping her hands from wandering on your body. Her turning her body away from you. You gently bending her over a chair. Lifting her skirt and filling her with your manhood. Slowly. Despacito. Your hands over her hands as they clench the back of a chair. Her orgasming and thanking you. You smiling and feeling, what? Relief? Charitable? Lonely?

You in a park going for a stroll. Catching eyes with a beautiful stranger. Guiding her down by the river. Removing her pants and laying her on a picnic table. Your lips sucking her nipples, your hands rubbing her clitoris inside of her jeans. Your lips and tongue exploring inside of her. Swirling little circles, bringing her to climax as her back arches against the hard wood table. Your fingers entering her and making her orgasm again as your teeth scrape her nipples.

You at our movie theater. In the back row next to a beautiful lady. Your hands accidently touching. And then continuing to touch not so accidently. You let her hand slide into your pants. You relax as she kneels between your legs and sucks your soft, warm cock. You stand her up and pull her pants down. Your hands guide her hips down onto you while she bounces on top of you. She screams as the credits roll and you come on her ass.

You, away on a business trip. Going to dinner and bringing someone back with you. You sitting on the bed while she undresses. You laying down and letting her ride you. You taking her into the shower. Your arms wrapped around her stomach, your head on her shoulder. You pressing her against the shower wall and fucking her hard. The hot water only making you both wetter and wetter.

You on your wedding night. The second woman you were ever with. Awkwardly trying to get undressed. Trying to figure out which positions feel the best. Her begging you for more and you feeling like a god. Finally understanding what this sex stuff is all about and understanding that you might be really good at this. It’s a specific skill set you possess.

You and me in a hotel room. Long nights of passion. Full of pleasure for you and pleasure for me. Cuddles and tender touches. Showers together. Sex. But also, more than sex. Our flesh touches and sends electricity throughout our bodies.

You fucking your wife on the staircase outside of your lonely bedroom cage. Fast and emotionless. Only for the one reason, she only believes in sex for children. No pleasure in that. But what if you showed her pleasure anyways. Treat her like you treat me. What if your love was rekindled. What if she just needed to feel your love like I did?

Always my fantasies wind up in a dark spot. Leaving me aching and wanting you near. Hear you say all the lovely words that I want to hear. But I can’t. We can’t. There are bigger issues and I cannot possibly be that selfish. But a girl can dream.

And dream I do. Story after story can pour out of me. Thoughts constantly racing. New places, same people. Same indescribable feelings pouring to the surface. Our souls longing for each other. Leaving us both restless and sentimental. And hot.

The kind of hot that makes me stop driving and pull over into secluded areas and touch myself thinking of you. Parking lots. Nature preserves. Wanting you here and there. Wanting to feel you everywhere. Why do we torture ourselves so much? With dreams. And daydreams. Because love. Love is the reason I both hate you and love you. Love to see you happy, love to see you loving me. love that you want me happy as well. And honestly, hoping that we can make each other happy forever but the future is always questionable.

What happens when that spark is gone? Will it ever actually leave? What if the pain becomes too much? What if our restless souls can never get our timing right and we never find our happily ever after? Fear and pain and doubt. That’s what dreams really lead to. But you remain in your cloud of future hopes and I will stay grounded in reality.

What if we don’t last and you never leave her? What if I ruin my own life in pursuit of all these hopes and dreams you beg me to have? What if love isn’t enough? What if you already have love and have just been lying to me? And her. And everyone. What if we are just friends? Maybe it’s me that needs to let go of you. What if am no good for you? Or you for me?

You probably have a happy life, happy wife. And here I am just being a whore in a hotel room. Hoping for a few hours with you. And paying for it. God, it’s like sand, it just digs into your skin and bothers until you must cut it out.

Michigan sounds amazing right now. If I leave right now I could make it there for a moonlight drive into the lake. Just disappear and clean up everyone’s lives. You could go back to being husband, dad, worker bee. My ex would be the parent of the year, my roommates would have their house back. Not a single person would miss me. Everyone would move on with their lives and I would be floating at the bottom of lake Michigan blissfully, after a lifetime of hell.

I have daydreams. And I have nightmares. On any given day, it’s a constant fight to keep the negative away and let the love shine through. But it’s a struggle and I will never stop trying. Because love is worth it. You are worth it.