“Why so glum, chum?” Ian said coming up to my table.
“You are such a fucking dork.” I said.
“Dork? Man, you must be out of it if that’s the best come back you have.” Ian said.
He sat down and slipped a CD across the table at me.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“It’s a CD full of old-school Goth music. Try it, you’ll like it.”
“Who’s on it?”
“You know, The Sisters, Bauhaus, Siouxsie, Fields, Ministry, all the big names the yuppies will never know.”
“I’m depressed Ian, how is listing to whiners whine about being more depressed than me going to make me feel better.”
“Ahh, that is the reason I hand you the classics my negative minded friend. It’s only after Goth became popular that everyone started singing about death and vampires and shit like that. You need to let…”
“Rozz Williams hung himself.” I said giving that time to sink in before saying, “It’s still depressing and I don’t wear black and paint spider webs on my face and pout for a living.”
I had gone too far. I was pissed and lashing out. Ian was trying to be a friend and I was being an ass.
“Sorry dude, here…” I held out my hand for the CD. Ian happily handed the CD over and seemed satisfied that he had spread the church of Goth.
“Ian…” I asked, “Ian, do you ever feel like maybe you somehow did something like really karmically fucked up and your life is so whacked that you are like totally confused if you are paying for it or what?”
“Like every day my beautiful Ophelia, every day.” Ian said.
“I’m in love with Tina.” I said and waited for Ian’s reaction. I expected shock, dismay, laughter, disbelief or something other than his calm reply.
“And?” Ian asked.
“What? I mean I’m like really in love with Tina.” I said.
“Yeah, and?” Ian asked again.
“Okaaay…”
“What?” Ian asked, “Did you expect that to be a shock? Well allow me to be the first to enlighten you, oh delusional one, everyone knows.”
“What? What do you mean everyone?” I asked.
“I mean it’s like common knowledge. You and Tina are like well known subject matter. But…” Ian looked pained. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he had to say next.
“What?” I asked.
“You won’t like it chica.” He said.
“Ian, just say it or I’ll kick your ass.”
“Ok, ok. No reason to get violent. It’s just that the rumor abounds that it’s more you than Tina. They say that you are the lesbo and Tina is just like…well you know.”
“No, I don’t know.”
“Tina is just like being nice to you.” Ian said.
What Ian said weighed heavy on my mind. I had plans to meet Tina at the lake a couple of days later. I waited for her and expected her to show up alone. Instead she came with all her friends. The afternoon became an exercise in showing face while being completely ignored. Too cool for you fool, was the attitude and it seemed like the more I tried to get Tina’s attention the more I looked exactly that, a fool.
I went back to watching out my window for Meredith but that was a no show and no calls back from her or Nick. I couldn’t believe it. Nick had told me he loved me.
I found myself in a different school. Oh, nothing had changed but how I saw people looking at me. Paraniod? Yes. The only one out of Tina’s friends that gave me any attention at all was Mark. I had my suspicions why.
Mark’s friend Phil paid attention to me as well, but not the attention I wanted. Phil made it his personal mission to open the world up to my sexual preference. Phil’s favorite game? Out the Dyke in the hall.
“Listen dyke…” Phil said.
“Hey Phil, it’s cool. Paula is my friend.” Mark said.
“Whatever dude, she’s a fucking carpet muncher. You are wasting your time.” Phil said.
I tried to be brave and stand up in the face of such a repressed homo like Phil but I couldn’t help myself. I cried.
“BooHoo, oh I made the lesbo cry! Oh Tina, would you munch my carpet?” Phil mocked.
“Why certainly Paula! Let’s go make dyke love at the lake. Oh wait! I’m not a fucking dyke whore!” Phil’s friend said.
“That doesn’t matter, come here and let me make beautiful lesbo love to you.”
“Oh…mmm..mmm…mmmm” and the two pretended to make out. Even between my tears I had to let out a little snicker. Mark tried not to laugh. I felt my spirits lighten a little at the smiles but then Phil turned around and pushed me hard! I was lifted up and thrown across the floor! It took a moment for me to catch my breath before the jocks and their bitches made their way past. Mark stopped to help me up but I pulled my hand away from him and grabbed my stuff.
Phil and his friend were acting like they were fucking each other and continuing to say “Bump my hole”
“Oh no, munch me. I look like a little boy.”
‘Fuck it!’ my brain said. It was stupid. I was small and no where near as strong as Phil or his friends but I threw myself on him as hard as I could. It was like hitting a brick wall. I swung wildly, fists flying. Phil grabbed me by my shirt and jerked me around and threw me into the lockers. I wasn’t sure if he was holding back or if it was just that I was small but it felt like I had been swung around on a rip cord.
Phil and his friend laughed. I didn’t understand what was so funny until I saw my front. Phil had nearly ripped my shirt off. The front of my shirt hung open stretched and ruined.
“You are a dick.” Mark said to Phil.
“Fuck you fag!” Phil said.
“Whatever.” Mark said. He came over to me but I jumped up and ran down the hall. No one followed. I turned past the art room and vaguely I heard Ian’s voice behind me calling. I ignored him and burst through the doors and out onto the street.
I was unable to get my bike off its chain because I was crying and holding my shirt up. I heard Ian getting closer so I turned and stormed down the street without my bike. I didn’t care that my books were still in the hallway or that I could get in trouble with the school. Fuck them. Fuck all of them.
“Paula!”
“Fuck off Ian!”
“No way! Hey!”
I turned on Ian and came at him with fists raised. It was an empty gesture. He knew I was harmless. Ian backed up with his hands out. My shirt fell off my shoulder and threatened to fall off completely. Enjoy the show Ian, I thought.
“Paula chill. Seriously. Hey, at least let me give you a ride home.”
“God, would you? Fuck, that would be awesome.”
“What happened?”
“Jocks and bitches, just jocks and bitches.” I said.
“Right.” Ian said. Between us geeks that was all that needed to be said. Thank God.
Ian’s car was an old Volvo, obviously his parent’s old car. During the ride I kept slinging one half of my shirt up over a shoulder. Then the other side would fall. Sling that up. Other side fell. Pretty soon Ian and I were laughing and it became a game, see how long the shirt would stay.
“Ok, I gotta admit that this is the first time I’ve ever seen this much boob action in this car.” Ian said.
“Boob action?”
“Ok, any action really.”
“Calm down, I’m not giving any action.”
“Really? Shame.” Ian said and killed the conversation for the rest of the ride.
“Come on in.” I said to Ian when I got out of his car.
“You want me to come in?” Ian said.
“Yes.” I said.
Ian followed me into the living room. He was nervous. I wasn’t really interested in Ian but my house had been empty for almost two weeks and I was anything if not desperate for company.
“Chill, my mom is gone.”
“She’s at work?”
“No, I mean she is gone.