Lauren looked up at the clock.  She was even home for a full day and was already getting lost in it all over again. 

”An hour. A whole stupid hour.” 

She shook her head.  The obsessive longing always took up so much time and energy in her life.   

”Mark.”   

Lauren exhaled from the mental battle she’d been fighting. There was some work to do to put herself back together before he came home. 

”He can’t see me like this.”  

 Lauren reluctantly pushed the blanket off her curled-up body to get out of the bed.  She looked at it, frustrated.  It was just as soft and plush as it had always been, but it wasn’t bringing the comfort it normally brought.  As much as she wanted to escape her thoughts, it just wasn’t doing the trick.

 The exhaustion of the heavy sobbing and tears had been a good release.  There were bouts of anger, too, but the messy, ugly crying had helped, even if for no other reason than to let it all out.

 ”I guess this is what they call self-therapy?”  

 The Kleenex box sat on the nightstand, but Lauren wasn’t ready to get up, so she stretched her arm over and fumbled for it.  She pulled a few tissues out and wiped away the remaining tears and mucus from her puffy, red face and then stared at the ceiling a bit longer. 

"Why?”  

 She’d asked that question a thousand times, but answers never came and that wasn’t changing today. 

”Whatever. It’s just more of the same.”  

 Mark would be home soon, and she needed to erase evidence of her wrecked face and hair so that he wouldn’t ask questions.

 But thinking of Mark suddenly sparked an idea that she hadn’t given serious consideration to before.

“Maybe, he’d actually understand?” 

 It was like a small flicker of light.  Maybe a path to some peace?  It wouldn’t change how she felt, but it might mean she didn’t have to keep it bottled up inside.  The thought of sharing things with someone else gave her some hope.

But she scrunched her face, playing her own contrarian.

”He’d think I’m crazy.”

But the more she thought about it, the more something inside told her to lean into it. He’d always been there for her. He always validated her and listened.  Would this be different?  

Lauren snorted and rolled her eyes.  “He has no clue.  This would blow his mind.”</em This wasn’t like anything else before.  She shook her head in self-doubt but knew she needed to give the idea to tell Mark some more thought.

“No time right now.”</em 

She would revisit it later. 

Pulling herself up off the bed, she walked quickly to the bathroom with purpose.  She grabbed a washcloth and turned on the water.

The tap water warmed up and her eyes caught her own reflection in the mirror. 

At forty-one, she accepted she was never going to be the twenty-five-year-old version of herself, but something measurable had changed in the last two years.  She felt the best she’d ever felt physically. 

She stared back at the same pretty face that Mark had always called beautiful, even when he thought she wasn’t listening. 

The thought of those compliments broke her sadness and drew out a smile. Things about her had certainly changed. Her long, wavy brunette hair now fell over her shoulders, which looked and felt stronger than ever before. 

She took a minute longer to examine herself.  She lifted her shirt off to change, and her eyes drifted down to her bra. 

The black sports bra felt more snug and fit better than before over her breasts.  With the progress she’d made, they seemed to sit a little higher and fuller against her middle than they had a few years ago, even though she still doubted herself sometimes.

The soft, slight curve from the bottom of her sports bra to the waistband of her yoga pants was still there, but it now looked more intentional.   The last few months, she had worked on reversing the things she used to tell herself.

Now she recognized it was her body keeping her femininity while she got stronger and more toned in other areas. 

As she ran her palms down her side, she felt the increasing firmness contrasted by the softness that had always been there as she slowly exhaled.

The moment of pride and self-reflection was a good distraction.

She turned slightly, noticing the way the tight fabric of her tights hugged her hips and the roundness of her bottom.  It wasn’t sculpted like other women she’d noticed at the gym, but it still filled out her yoga pants in a nice way.  She smiled as she thought about how it made her still blush whenever she’d notice Mark staring at her backside.

“I still have it.”

The examination bolstered the confidence she was trying to build, even if self-consciousness still reared its head.

She didn’t frown like she always had, thinking about the few extra pounds that were still there.  She was learning to make peace with her body.

“Tara.” She smiled and let out a small chuckle at the thought of her name.  So much of her progress could be credited to Tara.  But that thought also brought the longing back to the surface again.

“No. Stop. Get your ass going.”

Mark was coming.  She forced the thoughts back into the box in her mind where they could be locked away and no one would know about them.  Not Mark, no Tara, nobody.

Lauren grabbed the washcloth and soaked it in the warm water, wrung it out and sighed as she felt the heat and rubbed her face, wiping away the last remnants of the tears.  She did it a second time just to feel the renewal again and grabbed a dry hand towel to finish the job.

She touched up just a bit of makeup and once she was satisfied that Mark wouldn’t notice anything, she gave herself one last pep talk in the mirror, and as she walked out of the bedroom, she could hear the garage door.  Mark was home. 

***

Opening the garage door, Lauren smiled as she saw Mark lift the pizza box out of the back seat of the car. 

“I know what that is.  You read my mind.  You are the best,” she said with a relieved voice.  “Thank god we don’t have to figure out what to get for dinner.”

“Welcome home, stranger! It’s good to see you. How was the flight?” Mark replied with enthusiasm.

Mark walked up to the door, and Lauren watched to see if he could pull off the balancing act of holding the pizza box in one hand and hugging her with the other. 

The worry and concern from the day made her cling to him tighter than normal.   Would he notice her need for comfort?

It was momentarily quiet as she nuzzled into him and felt the welcome hardness of his body and warmth that made her feel safe and grounded.

“Everything ok?” he asked, sensing she was a bit off.

“It is. I’m just so exhausted. Sick of lines and airports and tight seats and crying babies and a bed that isn’t mine.  It’s good to be home.”  It was a half-lie disguised in truth and Lauren waited to see if Mark’s reaction saw past her complaints. 

Mark looked down at her without saying anything, smiled, and put his hand on her cheek as he kissed her fully to greet her home.  Even if he suspected something more was going on, the warmth in his eyes told her he was content to let it come out on her terms.

”I need this,”  she thought as they kissed a little longer.  She pulled back to look down at the box. 

“You knew exactly what I’d want.  I’m starving.  Go put your stuff away and I’ll find something we can watch.”

For two years, Lauren was religious about what she ate.  The low-carb pizza from the specialty pizza shop had been her favorite treat that she looked forward to a few Friday nights a month, even with the five-mile drive out of the way to get it.  It always tasted amazing and tonight it would be heavenly. She’d only had a protein drink and an apple since leaving her sister’s house for the airport at five thirty that morning.

Lauren pulled paper plates out of the cupboard and diced up some peppers and added baby carrots with their favorite dip while Mark changed and briefly showered. 

“You ready to eat that?” Mark said as he walked back into the kitchen, still drying his hair off with the towel, wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt.  She kept her focus on chopping and smiled at the familiar love tap on her bottom as he walked by.  “Might not be anything left for you!” Lauren joked. 

”Just don’t scarf down four slices at once,” she thought. 

“By the way,” she asked Mark, “you’re here early?  Didn’t you have to close up the gym tonight?”

“Nah,” Mark replied, tossing his towel over one of the dining table chairs.  “Tara knew you were coming home today and she offered to finish off the night crowd and close up.  That new manager we hired is having a rough go with the routine.  Tara wanted to walk her through the checklist all the way to make sure she’s getting it.”

"Tara.” Just hearing her name drew her back to the afternoon struggle. She did her best to ignore the thought.

“It’s Dani, right?  Do you think she’s going to work out?”

Mark had a hopeful look on his face. “Yeah, Dani. I think so.  She’s kind of anal about things,  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  That’s good.  But she goes through it so slowly, and I think Tara wants to show her which does and doesn’t matter.  She’s gotta pick up the pace a bit.  I think she’ll get there.  She cares and wants to do a good job, and that’s half the battle.  She’s good with trainers and seems to know how to keep them organized and on schedule.”  Mark turned to look at Lauren, “And she gets along great with Tara.  If she can do that, she’s golden.”  

Lauren was succeeding at putting the worries from the day away and laughed a bit at Mark’s comment, knowing exactly what he meant.

“And a good thing, given you are a little too easy going, right?” she smiled as she playfully poked Mark in the stomach, trying to make him feel welcome and at home.   “Tara can be a hard ass, so if Tara approves, she must be good.” 

Mark laughed in agreement, “Hey, we complement each other well,” Mark said, rolling his eyes, “You might think I’m too easy going, but at least I keep everyone grounded when things get stressful.  Tara couldn’t do it without me.  But, you are right, I couldn’t do it without her.”

Putting the veggie plate down, Lauren reached out to hug Mark again with admiration.  “I’m so proud of you two. You’ve both worked so hard to make this gym work. And now look where you are.  A waiting list two weeks long to get a membership.  You guys own this town.”  Mark beamed with pride.

“Alright, no more work talk.  Speaking of which, we can’t stay up too late. I’m sure you’ve got a backlog yourself tomorrow after being gone all week.” 

Lauren groaned inside and frowned at him for bringing it up. “Don’t even remind me.  They had to bring in a temp while I was gone, and I doubt he did much good.” 

Thinking about going back to the office of the non-profit she worked for in the morning and getting back on top of everything was painful.  She’d been at the women’s shelter for three years now, and she loved her job, but she hated coming back after vacation.

The two of them sat down on the couch, eating pizza and sliced veggies, laughing and talking about her trip to her sister’s.  Lauren told him about all the cringey things her brother-in-law, who lacks self-awareness, does and says, which elicited an eye roll from Mark, and updated him on what was happening with her nieces and nephews.  Lauren lost attention briefly as Mark started to drone on about a new piece of equipment he and Tara were thinking about for the gym and the technical specs.  Neither of them paid much attention to the television as they caught up from the week.

Around nine-thirty, Lauren found herself startled awake by Mark, who nudged her to tell her that it was time for bed.  He quickly put away extra pizza and veggies and turned the lights out before helping her up to stumble back to bed.

In the bedroom, the sound of Mark brushing his teeth woke her up more as she found something to change into for bed.  His gaze from the bathroom caught her eyes as he raised an eyebrow, noticing her as she took off her sports bra to change into a T-shirt. 

”Been a long week. I know what he wants.”  She wanted it too.

“I suppose you want to welcome me home again in here?” she said, calling him out with some smolder in her glance.

Mark chuckled at the suggestion. “I mean, I’ll never say no to it,” he said as he put the toothbrush down, walking toward her. 

“Say no?” Lauren teased, trying to hold higher ground.  “I wasn’t offering.  You have to ask for it.”

Mark looked at her lovingly but patiently.  “If you are tired, I understand. You’ve had a long day.  But yes, I would love to have you for just a little bit more if you are up for it.  I’m asking.”  His words made her feel strong and she felt the spark of warmth in her center.

Emboldened, she tossed her sports bra in the laundry and grabbed the bottom of the T-shirt she’d just put on and pulled it up over her head, feeling the air hit her bare breasts and the sensation of her hardening nipples, knowing what it would do to Mark. 

Even after all these years, the way he still looked at her breasts made her feel desired.

”Men really don’t get tired of them, do they?

The silly thought made her want to tease him even more.

“I suppose I can hang on just a bit longer.  But these are going to need some attention first,” she said as the thought of the joke only reinforced the feeling of power she had over him, cupping the underside of her breasts with her hands, lifting them up.

 The darkness came into the room like a blanket as Mark flipped off the light and took off his own shirt.

”God, he always looks so good with a shirt off.  Amazing shape.” She admired his chest and the way the soft bedroom light made him look.  Lauren brushed her hand along his smooth, muscular chest, feeling the strength. 

As his arms wrapped around her, she could feel his bare skin on hers.  She hugged tighter into his warmth and received his kisses as they both stood shirtless in the mostly dark bedroom except for the soft glow of the light on Mark’s nightstand that cast warm light across his body, making his physique even more appealing.

After more passionate kissing, she didn’t resist as she felt Mark lean down to tug on her yoga pants and slide them off her legs, the sensation making them tingle as cloth rolled over skin.

She kept kissing him, both of them hugging and fumbling with clothes.  Lauren’s hand drifted lower,  unsnapping the button of his athletic pants, and then slid beneath the waistband of his boxer briefs until her fingers gently closed around him, feeling the familiar weight and heat.  She loved the way that he stiffened and twitched at her touch, his slight moans only exciting her.  The ease with which she could control his reaction gave her a feeling of power over him.

Her passion was mirrored in him and he let go to pull everything off below his waist and slide Lauren’s bikini cut briefs off.  Feeling deliciously exposed, she leaned into the feeling as he stood and pulled her in again, dropping his hands to her bottom. 

Her breath caught.  His strong hands slid down the rounded swell of her bottom, exploring and squeezing possessively.  The slight movement of his fingers sent little bolts up her spine. 

”God, he feels so hard against me,” thought Lauren, feeling his undeniable erection pressed into her waist as she pushed her hips forward, wanting more of the solid heat. 

Mark let his hands wander even more.  His fingers drifted lower, drawn toward her feminine center as they moved even further down toward the pulling warmth she felt between her legs.  ”I’m so wet, she thought, knowing where Mark was going.

Reaching around and pulling his hand away, she scolded him. “Hey, I said these need attention first. They’ve been neglected all week.  The rest can wait its turn,” she said in a sultry voice. 

She instinctively gripped the fullness of her own breast while pulling his head down toward her aching nipple. 

He took her cue and she watched his head lower.  A bolt of pleasure ran down her spine as he teased her briefly before his mouth closed over her while gripping her with his hand, sucking hungrily.

“Mmmm... that feels so good.” 

She begrudgingly pulled away from his warmth as he turned off the nightstand light and pulled back the covers. 

Mark crawled under the sheets and tapped the bed, inviting her to join him. 

“It’s good to have you home,” she said, sliding in beside him, feeling his thick hair, pulling his head down toward her breasts. 

Mark moved lower than her and made himself comfortable, lying on the flat bed beside her, eyes level with her chest.  Watching him lovingly, he positioned himself comfortably next to her very sensitive breasts.  She turned to the side and up, propped on her elbow slightly higher than him.  The nurturing position made Lauren feel like Mark needed and depended on her. 

She grew impatient as he took his time, exploring with his rougher finger against the roundness and softness of her breasts.  She always loved his light kisses on her chest, but tonight she felt greedy, wanting his mouth to envelop her most sensitive parts.

When his mouth finally closed over her nipple, the comforting rhythm of his sucking sent a wave of relief through her.  She melted into the sensation, loving how it felt to give him this pleasure and share her body with him as he gently tugged and caught her breath as he nibbled.  She could feel the deep, warm pull on her nipple in his mouth, and it hit like a low, consistent wave of electricity.  Her hand instinctively reached below his waist, slowly finding him, stroking gently and holding the comforting weight of him while pleasure rolled through her from his tongue.

The relaxation and arousal put Lauren in a trance as she wanted nothing more than to just enjoy the moment and forget about her concerns and worries.  For a brief moment, the contrast of Mark’s calming emotional security flashed against the opposite electrical excitement and danger she felt for Tara.  She tried to put that out of her mind and told herself she could focus on other thoughts tomorrow.

***

The next morning came quickly.  Mark was up and gone to the gym early and Lauren barely remembered him leaving.  It was already eight-thirty and she had to be to work by ten. 

The fog of sleep cleared and she felt a tinge of anxiety in her stomach.  She thought about where she’d be going after work.  Her training session with Tara.

”Ugh, the best and worst part of my week.”

Tara was the reason why Lauren was becoming healthier and more fit.  Tara was one of the most amazing women Lauren knew.  She inspired Lauren, but more importantly, she pushed Lauren when she didn’t want to be pushed.

Tara was equal parts inspiration, humor, and demanding.  Not demanding in a way that Lauren hated. In fact, that was the problem. 

Lauren fell in line with whatever Tara guided her to do.  She worried about letting Tara down, so Tara’s praise was rewarding, but that same praise also fueled the fire she felt inside. 

But Tara wasn’t a cold drill sergeant.  She had wit and a sense of humor that played to parts of Lauren she didn’t know were there.  Tara’s timing was impeccable.  She’d say the funniest things at the right moments, and she constantly had Lauren laughing. 

While Tara was her coach 3 days out of the week, she was her friend first and foremost and she was warm, and connecting in ways with Lauren that were endearing. 

She constantly surprised Lauren with the comments she’d make during training, about other gym members, about Tara’s close friends in the LGBTQ+ community, and of course, about Mark.

Mark and Tara were like brother and sister.  Tara played the older sibling role. 

Mark was easy-going and grounded.  That was his superpower.  He could keep everyone on planet earth when stress and demands threatened to tear it all apart.  He kept things in perspective. But Tara had vision.  She brought the lightning when needed and she pushed and drove things.  They complemented each other well.

Twelve years ago, Tara and Mark met when they were both still young and new trainers at a national chain gym.  While Mark wasn’t Tara’s only close friend in life, they gravitated to each other quickly and formed a tight friendship and relationship of trust. 

From day one, Mark saw Tara as a real person, and that meant a lot to her.  She could open up more around him and reveal vulnerabilities that she didn’t normally reveal to others outside of her gay friends.

He would ask for her advice about difficult clients or other situations at work.  Tara had a sense for how things and people worked.  Mark recognized that in her and sought her wisdom.  The more Tara saw Mark valued her, the more Tara would open up to Mark about her own worries and concerns. 

Tara was a self-made woman.  She accomplished anything she set out to do.  She didn’t let her past or her shortcomings define her.  She had a way of inspiring people around her.  Her drive to succeed and her energy were infectious. 

But Tara was also human, and she needed people in her life who allowed her to let her guard down and be at ease.  While Tara was happy to give advice and mentorship, Mark was the opposite.  He would just listen to Tara and let her vent or give empathy when she needed a shoulder to cry on.  It was a side of Tara that only a select few saw.  But gradually she allowed Mark into the inner circle because of the way he treated her, and he got to see the real Tara. 

As Tara always put it, as long as she could remember, she had been "as gay as the day is long,” so their friendship was always strictly platonic.  Romantic interest in Tara had never once crossed Mark’s mind.  He loved her like a sister.  While Tara was an athletic butch and she enjoyed time at the gym lifting with guys, Mark was the only straight guy she had a close connection with.  Those deeper connections were usually reserved for the women in Tara’s life with whom she shared the most in common.

Her group of ride-or-die gals that she met weekly at the lesbian bar, and a few other women with whom she could be herself.  But Mark was an exception.

Tara and Mark were very conscientious about what they ate, and they modeled the health they expected from the clients they trained.  But once or twice a week, they could be found at the exact same table in the exact same bar they had shared an after-work beer in for the last 12 years.

It was over drinks that they really bonded.  It was over that table that Tara cried and confided in Mark after two hard breakups with women in the last five years.  It was that same table that heard every word as Mark shared with Tara about his new romance with Lauren and where she pushed him to take the leap and propose to her. 

And it was at that same table where, nine years after grinding away for a corporate gym, they hatched the plan to leave and open their own gym licensing under a franchise network. 

There was a lot they told each other.  Tara knew every detail about Mark’s childhood, and Tara told Mark some of the dark parts of her past life that she kept hidden from most people outside of some other close friends. 

Lauren knew that was part of the package coming into the marriage.  When Mark was out late at the bar with Tara, Lauren never got concerned because she knew it meant either Mark or Tara needed to blow off steam with the other playing therapist, or something big related to the gym needed to be figured out.

Mark had a few guy friends, but he loved his job and he loved his routine, and all he needed was the family he had in Tara and Lauren.  When Lauren came into Mark’s life, Tara loved her from the start.  She and Lauren hit it off immediately.  Tara encouraged Mark and let him know just how big of a catch Lauren was and warned him not to screw it up. 

Tara also recognized how gorgeous Lauren was and reminded Mark of that constantly.  At one point, when they were engaged to get married, Tara had a bit too much to drink one night and went over the top in talking about Lauren.  Mark joked with her that maybe she should be the one to marry Lauren.  Tara told him she would except it was clear Lauren only had eyes for men.  “I’d marry her in a heartbeat if she weren’t so damn straight. You lucked out,” Tara teased.

Mark broke tradition at the wedding and made Tara his best woman, which she accepted, and threatened him that if he didn’t give her that honor, she’d have to kill him, given how much she’d put up with him over the years.  And it was Tara that secretly got the key to their hotel room for their honeymoon and broke in and had it beautifully decorated for them when they arrived because Mark ran out of time at the end. 

After Mark and Lauren got married, Tara was at their house every Sunday afternoon for BBQ and cards or whatever game they decided to play that evening.  She was part of the family. 

For Lauren, it began a few years after they got married.  The closeness between the three of them didn’t help things.  At first, Lauren passed it off as admiration.  Tara always had a witty joke or timely comment.  She knew how to call Mark out when it was needed, and that always entertained Lauren. 

Tara was cool in every way.  She had played volleyball all through high school and for two years in college.  She was smart. She was athletic.  She didn’t care what anyone else thought of her.  And she always had great advice.  But there was more to Lauren’s admiration.

Lauren tried to ignore the obvious, but as time passed, she noticed other things about Tara. 

The way she moved effortlessly across a room on her strong, muscular legs that were an asset in her volleyball years.  The coolness of her pixie cut with blonde tips that made her stand out in any room she walked into.  Her eyes were like frozen blue water.  They cut through Lauren like a knife.  The way Tara made Lauren feel when she was around Tara.  Smaller, more delicate, and needy of something she couldn’t put her finger on at first.  Slowly, the attraction toward Tara grew.

 Lauren always denied how she felt.

”Don’t be an idiot.  Anyone would think she’s cool.”

”Lots of women are funny.”

”You feel that way because she’s Mark’s close friend. It’s nothing.”

And a whole lot of other lies she’d tell herself trying to talk her way out of it.

The more she told herself it was admiration, the more it weighed on her.  One day, she finally gave in and admitted to herself what she really thought of Tara.

Tara was ridiculously hot.  Tall, funny, cool, and composed.  She took Lauren’s breath away, and, at five foot eleven, she towered over Lauren’s much shorter frame, making her feel safe but also deliciously intimidated in a way that left her melted inside.

It only got worse.  Lauren couldn’t help but notice the way Tara’s ass moved in her tight gym shorts. Her years of volleyball and fitness in the gym had sculpted it perfectly and it reminded Lauren of Tara’s strength and made her that much more aware of her own softness and how she wanted to surrender and have Tara take her.  On the gym floor, Tara stood out among other women.  Lauren wanted to surrender to Tara’s athletic body, but she was careful not to look at it because she worried Tara would notice. But it was an impossible task and her eyes would drift back.

She was strong, lean, and even though her features were more angled, there was a soft touch to her face that Lauren found beautiful.  Tara was so sporty, and Lauren loved the way she rocked Nike gear.  She was always wearing something cool and fashionable for the gym.  That only added to Tara’s allure.  To Lauren, it made her seem untouchable.  When she dressed up, she’d run the full spectrum in presentation. She wasn’t afraid to lean into different looks.  Lauren had only seen her in a skirt once or twice, but mostly she’d wear dressy slacks if the event required something more polished. 

One night when they all went to the annual gala for Lauren’s non-profit, Lauren was taken away, seeing Tara come through the door in black slacks and a button-up dress shirt with rolled up sleeves and a smart-looking linen jacket tossed over her shoulder.  That night on the dance floor, Tara was the life of the party. Lauren watched her under the lights and loud music, completely falling for her, knowing Tara didn’t suspect a thing.

Lauren’s crush only got worse. It didn’t help things that Tara had a very dominant personality.  Mark was not that way.  It was something new and different to Lauren.  She was drawn to it.  She liked it when Tara gave her advice and she loved it when Tara barked out coaching words to her in training. Tara could take control of her in a way no one else could.  Tara’s approval of Lauren when she accomplished something new in training was a dangerous thing.  

Lauren felt simultaneous confusion and excitement about it.  In a way, it felt wrong because Tara and Mark were such close friends, almost like siblings.  Maybe a woman who wasn’t Mark’s friend wouldn’t induce the guilt. But to Lauren, it was forbidden territory that she shouldn’t venture into. 

It was out of her control. She had never asked for this, but she kept getting in deeper. 

One day, when Mark was out of town visiting family, Lauren found herself alone on the bed with her vibrator and for the first time ever she fantasized about Tara. 

Lauren fought it at first, feeling like she was betraying Mark.  But the temptation won out.

”It’s just in my room. It’s not real.

 In her mind’s eye, Tara took the lead and Lauren willingly gave herself up. 

She wanted Tara to take her both body and mind.  It was like an extension of things in the gym. Tara was still the coach, but instead of muscle and endurance, she was teaching her about a piece of Lauren that needed its own sort of growth.

Her breathing increased with the excitement as she let go, being alone with Tara away from the gym.  She wanted Tara to see her for the desire she had for Tara.

Lauren surrendered as she saw herself lying under Tara.  Heat filled her body as she imagined being Tara looking over her with desire. She reached up to feel the strength of her arms and chest.  Her muscular frame made Lauren extremely aware of her own smaller body.  Soft and more delicate in contrast.  It made her feel safe to know Tara could take care of her.

As Tara pressed down on her, she imagined the feeling of Tara’s skin against her own and made the fire within grow.  Lauren could see the earthy lotions on Tara that contrasted with her own sugary-smelling body spray.  Opposite scents, but instead of forming a barrier against one another, they danced in complement to each other, mixing to form a new potion of passion and a storm.

A storm that Lauren longed for.  In her regular life, home was grounded and emotionally safe.  But with Tara, Lauren sought fire and a consuming heat that she would willingly cast herself into. 

She could feel that passion like electricity on her skin as she pictured Tara wrapped around her soft body like a weighted blanket.  Tara squeezed and held her, almost suffocating her, but the lack of breath was more oxygen for the fire.  She wanted to be helpless beneath her, unable to move. 

The thoughts didn’t bring a feeling of restraint. Rather, it brought freedom.  The freedom that would come from giving herself fully to Tara.  She wanted to give up everything to Tara, perhaps even let her make decisions for her so that she didn’t need to be burdened by indecisiveness.  She ached for Tara’s possessiveness.  For Tara to make Lauren all hers.

Lauren’s body reacted in parallel to the intensity of the vision and she released in an ecstasy that filled her entire body.  There was intensity she didn’t have with other fantasies. Coming back from the vision, she felt the pulsing of the vibrator against her center, bringing her mind back to reality.

”Shit. Why can’t I have it?” she thought.  It was so amazing.  She knew it would be just like that in real life.

She lay there for what seemed like forever, floating in space in the afterglow from the experience.

But then she thought of Mark and betrayal. She felt like she was yearning for something that was so out of place in the context of Tara’s friendship with her and Mark.

And she was confused by the implications.

Lauren had always told herself she was straight. At least that’s what she always said to herself. But now that the feelings for Tara wouldn’t fade, she wasn’t so sure. Things from the past drifted back now.  Little things, like the glances and feelings she brushed off that now seemed more relevant than she wanted to admit.

Why, why, why? 

The questions permeated her brain as she tried to figure it out.  Was she bisexual?  She questioned how straight she really was with the feelings for Tara.

It was undeniable.  She longed for Tara sexually and emotionally.  But the answers wouldn’t come, so she just put the question away.  She would just recognize the crush was there and try her best to manage it.

Managing the crush became even more difficult when Tara took Lauren on as one of her training clients.

The suggestion came casually one Sunday evening over cards.  Lauren had made the decision to improve her health, and that night she started to ask Tara a lot of questions about weightlifting, cardio, and general fitness routines.  After a lengthy explanation and seeing Lauren’s interest, Tara offered out of the blue.

“Hey, I have an idea. How about I just take you on as one of my clients?  Now that we have hired more staff, I’ve got a bit of extra time.  And don’t you even dream of asking to pay for it.  I’ll just do it.  What do you think?” asked Tara in a way that came across as a challenge to start something new

Tara continued, “I’ll create a whole plan for you. Nutrition, training, the whole thing. You just need to show up and do the work.” 

Before Lauren could respond, Mark was all over it. “That’s a great idea!” he said, instantly agreeing.  “Lauren, you’d love it.  Of all people, Tara won’t go easy on you,” Mark said as he smiled and ribbed Tara. “But there is no one better to learn from.  You could start next week!”

Lauren felt trapped.  She backpedaled a bit.  “Hold on.  I was just asking questions. I wasn’t looking to make the purchase tonight.” 

Tara pressed a bit.  “Come on now, the best time to start is now.  The more you think about it, the more likely you are to talk yourself out of it. Let’s do it!”

Lauren knew she was caught.  She couldn’t tell Tara no.  She also realized the implications of spending more time with Tara and how much torture that would be.  But she wanted to be around Tara.  She couldn’t say no. 

“Ok,” Lauren replied.  “Just give me a week or two to get ready for it. I want to read through the plan you prepared and get myself mentally ready for it.”

“Deal,” said Tara, jumping all over it.  “I’ll get something drawn up this week, and we’ll review it together.”

After that, Lauren came to the gym 3 days a week to meet with Tara for an hour.

Working out with Tara would beat the thoughts of a crush out of Lauren at times. She was often so exhausted that she didn’t have the energy to think about.

But it was always there.

Tara would praise her when she maintained strong form through her reps.  Even worse, Tara had no issue putting her hands all over Lauren to correct form, demonstrating things and barely touching her over her clothing in a way that shot bolts of lightning through Lauren. 

The worst was when she was doing a squat or some yoga pose and Tara would lightly touch the top of Lauren’s bottom or upper legs to direct or correct.  Tara had no idea what she was doing to Lauren.  Tara was always in control and took her role as instructor seriously.  She wanted to build Lauren into something better than she was and she just saw it as part of the necessary guidance.

For two years, the mental torture had gone on.  Some days more obsessive than others. Lauren loved it, but it was also the biggest source of torment in her life.

Today was one of those days.  Lauren lay in bed thinking about the workout session she’d have with Tara after work.  She thought about the breakdown she’d had the day before in frustration over her feelings.  And then her mind went back to the thought that had come to her to talk to Mark.

How would she even begin?  Mark was going to think she’d gone crazy. 

Tara?  His close friend Tara? 

Would Mark worry that Lauren was gay and he was in danger of losing her?  Something told Lauren that wouldn’t be the case. He would be shocked. He would be completely floored. He would never see it coming. But deep down, she knew Mark better than anyone. He had always been supportive of her.  He’d always been there for her when she’d encountered tough things in her job at the women’s shelter.  She knew this would be the same. 

Despite her feelings for Tara, nothing had changed in how she saw Mark. She was still attracted to him.  She loved sex with him.  But this was something different than how she felt about Mark. In a different way. 

She needed another person to know. She couldn’t keep it bottled up inside.  She needed someone else to help her carry the load. 

So, she would tell Mark. 

But she needed time to rehearse the conversation in her head. She needed to plan for the questions he would have and the things he would say.  And she had to swear him to secrecy. There was almost nothing he wouldn’t tell Tara.  But not this.

”She can never know. It would ruin everything.”

Lauren decided she would take a week. Two weeks, if necessary, to make sure she knew exactly what she was going to say and how she was going to say it.

But the idea was a relief to her. This gave her hope.  She would go through with this.  She just needed time to make sure it would go as planned. But for now, time to get ready for work.