Neaera's Epitaph

An imaginary fragment from 'The Lives of Famous Whores' of Gaius Seutonius Tranquillus.

Not in this soil but elsewhere, passer-by,

The bones of lusty Neaera lie.

Beloved of Venus, the kindler of desire,

Her's was the gift, her's the sacred fire!

Her beauty; the bane of every prude,

Was dazzling; be she clothed or better, nude.

Tell me fair muse or swiftly stay my hand,

Was it rich Corinth or some other land

That gave birth to this jewel so sublime,

That men, I hear, paid dearly for her time?

Corinth it was! By Aphrodite's shrine!

The first to bless her was the god of wine

Then Venus gave her buttocks like a peach

And hair as golden as a sun-drenched beach.

In later years, so perfect was her breast,

That the ghost of Helen could no longer rest;

Fearing that she would lose her age-old fame

To Neaera, so bright shone her name!

A new age had dawned, a golden era,

Where men praised Zeus and placated Hera.

So it was, from atop her sturdy bed

That the rich left poor and the miser bled.

The proud were humbled while the brave knew fear

Confronting this Corinthian's famed rear.

Sweet traveller, I know not where she lies

But since you have so kindly lent your eyes,

I tell you this: that, forever more,

She will be honoured as the greatest whore !

It is a pity that Seutonius' book no longer exists. Doubtless, it would have been amongst the first to be cast onto the fires by the Christians and their cohorts when they took over the western world.