What could we have been?

We lay together, side by side
in the cool grass of autumn,
leaves crunching against our skin
with every small movement
as the sun and clouds pass above us.

Time and its passage
has no relative meaning here;
we are two separate people, and yet...

We see each other
for what we really are,
but in these times
we cannot see who we were meant to be.

My eyes furtively glance over at you
worried in this silent pause
that you may grow tired of me.
My anxieties are unfounded;
you are as susceptible to me
as I have been to you.

Maybe we’re not meant to comprehend;
this timeline remains shrouded from us for a reason.

As our eyes meet, with a faint breeze
carrying the scent of your skin to me
I gaze upon you without blinking
afraid I would miss a moment of you.

In your unwavering glance,
I have never felt more comfort.
I can also see, in a small way
what we may have been already.

Your eyes show me the details
that life could not have.

I see delicious picnics in the park,
driving together for hours,
our favorite songs playing in the car;
small notes tucked into the pocket
of your work shirt, to be discovered later...
grasping your hand during a movie,
cuddling up close as two can get
during a ferocious lightning storm.

Perhaps this timeline is not meant to be known.

I feel passionate, romantic love
made in a tender, feverish moment;
our individual wills crumbling into dust
as our craving for each other
requires us to succumb.

I witness you standing ahead of me
in a small chapel in the woods;
our lives coinciding with each other
as our joined souls have.
As we recited our vows in front of our families,
my heart had never felt more joy than with you.

I gaze at the little children that I would have given you
running and playing around us,
secure that their parents are there for them,
and never worrying about tomorrow.
The aftermath and product
of our devotion to each other.

Perhaps we’re not meant to see this.

However, my eyes travel deeper into yours…
I want to see what life should have been.

In your pupil’s reflection
playing like a silent movie from a forgotten age
they envision us growing older together,
sharing favorite books and stories,
watching as our kids grow up
amidst a life full of happiness and laughter.

I walk through a doorframe in my mind’s eye,
a passive intruder
witnessing us leaning on each other in the hard times
always with love and respect;
we would never speak harshly to each other,
but always in the softest of tones and touches...
two conspirators in the night, outsmarting life.

Perhaps we were never meant to outsmart it at all.

I snap back to the present;
my eyes exhausted from the journey
they had taken without my body moving a muscle.
I reach out for you, to feel your warmth,
to soothe me…

I let my eyes shut as I reach for your hand…
a few seconds in time;
nothing more than that.

Gone is the autumn grass;
gone are the leaves…
Gone are the remnants of this timeline
of a life never lived...
memories never made.
The laughs and faces of our children,
never to be heard or seen.

Perhaps not knowing this timeline is what is required of us;
a small mercy to relieve the pain
approximated in each beating heart
stamped down to stay at a dull roar.

What could we be to each other now?

I open my eyes…
you’ve disappeared from my view
like tendrils of smoke
dissipating through cold morning air.

The ghost of you
leaves me shivering;
I was never ready to say goodbye.

Would that I have been given a chance
to be something more to you than I ever was…
I never would have wavered
from that miraculous gift
given to me from the higher power.

Instead, I’m laying in a bed
silently in the dead of night.
Physically present in this life,
yet my mind galaxies away,
untouchable to all.

My back turned to this world
as my arm firmly grasps the only thing
that ever serves as a reminder of you…

A stuffed, green Triceratops
that carries your name.