I rolled over to snuggle against Tina and was greeted with an empty bed. I lifted my head and there was no light coming from the bathroom and looking at the clock I saw I had overslept a touch. I usually had my alarm set for seven am, it was now eight-thirty, I was really tempted to put my head back down again but knew I would never get up if I did. Up and into the loo for a pee and a quick brush of my teeth to clear my mouth out, then I slid my robe on and headed toward the kitchen for drugs and sustenance.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” came Tina’s chirpy greeting.

I walked up to her, gave her a quick peck. “Morning, sex bomb, two eggs with my toast, please.” Which earnt me a look of disdain, so I hurriedly filled my cup with coffee and retreated to the safety of the table. Picking up a tablet that was lying there, I looked over the top (this was so much more effective with proper Sunday papers), blew a couple of quick kisses to Tina and said, “Pwetty pwease,” before lowering my chin and looking up through my eyelashes and then fluttering them, trying to give my best puppy-dog look.

A couple of minutes later Tina put a plate down for her and a plate with two eggs on two slices of toast in front of me, before patting my head and stroking my hair a little, saying, “There’s a good boy, you eat that all up now.” We both smiled at each other and after adding the required (by law, I might add) accompaniments, tucked into our breakfast.

When we had finished, Tina looked at me. I was studying the face I knew so well but one that that was showing some new among the familiar old parts. “What?” she asked.

Ever the orator, I replied, “Huh?”

“Penny for them.”

“They are worth a damn sight more than a penny.”

“Okay then, what are you looking at?”

“I’m not sure.” I’m also not sure that was the correct thing to say due to the kick to the shins. I am sure I was glad she had restricted movement because of the table or it would have bloody hurt, even barefoot. “Oh no, I know what I’m looking at, just not sure who. I’m looking at the most beautiful, sexy, intelligent, charismatic, strong woman I know. I’m not sure who has taken over her body these last couple of days though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve seen some things that have surprised me,” which caused a frown to start on her face. I took her hand, “No, my love, it’s not to frown about, something old, something new but mostly good from what I’ve seen. All the same, I think we need to talk.”

Tina did what she always had when she wanted to get through something uncomfortable. She put on a false pep to her voice and actions, one that never reached her eyes. “Well, in that case, how about we clear up here, get showered and go for a walk in the park? We can at least start there and if or when? Things start getting a bit too heavy, we can come home; I think the girls are going to be out this afternoon.”

With our plan for the morning, we set about tidying up after breakfast. Once done I grabbed my kit from our bathroom and headed to the family one, while Tina used ours. Before you ask, yes, we do have sex in the shower, but not today; like any day we had plans, we were on a mission. Ten minutes later I was back in our bedroom putting on some jeans and a sweatshirt and five minutes after that Tina strolled into the living room dressed much the same; her hair was still a little damp, but up in a loose bun, with some loose strands framing her delicate features. She assured me that it was warm enough that she wasn’t worried about drying her hair fully and so we put on our walking boots and set off.

The park is about a mile away; on the way we chatted briefly to some of our neighbours before leaving our cul-de-sac, then we shot the shit the rest of the way. We talked about her work. Tina was an accountant; she actually worked for the firm that did mine, bit of a story there. I have my own engineering business, which allowed us to enjoy the nice things in life plus a bit more. After the girls were at school Tina wanted to go back to work but refused to work for me. At that time my accountant was looking for a new junior, a position which she was more than qualified for; her only proviso was that she would never even see the files from my firm. Starting part time and now working about thirty hours a week, she has a solid client base and a fantastic reputation.

We talked about my upcoming projects. I had a few new ideas in the pipeline which could put the company on solid ground for the next ten to twenty years, better still, once up and running would probably allow us both to cut right back on our hours; we even talked about early retirement.

The girls and their futures, we discussed. Michelle wanted to teach; like her mother, she had a head for numbers and was currently acing her maths degree. Claire, on the other hand, wanted to work in law either as a solicitor but she also had eyes on the Bar; she was still in the first year of her law degree, so had time to think and explore both; she was going to take four years, with one working as a legal secretary in a large firm to try and experience both aspects.

We loved this park; it was huge. There was a wooded area with a large lake in the middle, which as kids we used to swim in, but health and safety naz--officers have since put paid to that. I only remember someone drowning once every two or three years; even then, it was only ever rumoured. The trees had seen their fair share of action, too; not only was it often used in film and television, but it was also a great place for lovers who weren’t too shy to take walks at night, or so I’ve heard, of course. The other side of the car park is an open field, great for picnics, ball games, all sorts of fun and at the edge of that is a small hill. The hill is high enough that on a clear day, you can see for miles over the surrounding area away from the woods; you can also see over some of the trees; it’s just your line of sight is compromised. It was to the hill we were headed; even with a lot of people there, you could still be in a relatively quiet spot and at the moment it was still early enough there were only a few people in the whole park.

“Okay, you old bastard, you beat me to it. I always thought it was the wife that was supposed to say we need to talk,” Tina said as we reached the top.

Putting my arm around her shoulder, we walked over to our favourite spot with views over a river valley. “Yes, dear, we do. That said, the really stupid thing is, I have no idea where to start.

“If I go with chronological order then the first topic will probably be the hardest, but if I don’t then other things might not make sense.”

“Okay, stop over-analysing, that’s my job, I’m the accountant. Start at the beginning, even if that is the hardest part, if we can solve that, we can solve anything,” she said beaming her brightest smile at me, showing me she had relaxed somewhat since I dropped the bomb this morning.

“Alright, it might come across as a bit muddled and I may come back to it a few times, but that’s mainly because I’m both confused and hurt.”

Tina nodded that she understood and accepted my approach.

“This, and all my thinking about what I want to talk about, really came into focus and has been spurred forward from Friday night. When I spanked you, there was a multitude of feelings going on, I know I shouldn’t have done it while feeling so angry, but I was also comfortable that I was in control, I would never intentionally hurt you except out of love, you know that.” This last was a statement Tina did know and she nodded to agree.

“The three overriding feelings were anger, hurt and confusion. After twenty-something years, we were right back where we had been the night of The Cranberries concert. I was confused that you appeared to be doing exactly the same when all our time together should have told you otherwise. And this is where the hurt and anger come from, that you appeared so insecure in your trust of my reaction, even after that other night, even after all we’ve been through, that you almost seemed scared to tell me. The anger has subsided now, I needed Friday night and yesterday to dump that before we talked.” At this, I paused and looked her in the eye. I could see her processing so didn’t say any more, just raised my eyebrows a little to let her know the floor was hers.

I knew Tina was prepared to think; she had brought her spot with her and after I had raised my eyebrows she turned and started staring at it. Her arm around my waist pulled us closer together and she rested her head on my shoulder. I knew she was ready to start, so hugged her back. “I know you would never hurt me, unless it was to save me a greater hurt or,” she giggled, “if I said, ‘please, sir’ and no, you didn’t feel out of control on Friday night, it was perfect. I do understand where your side of that came from and I’ll try and explain my side.”

I cut in, “First, I’d like to clear up this block you seem to have around hen nights, I do want to talk about the events later and some of the stuff from last night.”

I heard a sniff, then Tina nodded and continued, “I am so, so terrified of losing you, yes even after being married twenty years and bringing up two wonderful daughters.” A finger snaked up and was pushed against my lips to stop me cutting in again. “This was my reason for being so silly all those years ago and yes, that turned out so well. When Diane said about Abbie’s do, suddenly that night and all my worries about it came flooding back. Then Debbie sent that video out, everything that has happened over the years-- us, the girls, all our memories--came into sharp focus and then I saw it all crashing down. I just panicked and got this about telling you, I know it was stupid and I really didn’t see how not telling you would work out any better this time, but my paranoia wouldn’t let me think otherwise.

“Over the years we have had good times and bad, but we have always fought through together and thrived. The thing that was always our primary focus was the girls and provided we stood shoulder to shoulder there was nothing that could stop us giving them the best start in life we could.”

I nodded silently. I think I saw where this was going; boy, was I wrong.

“Then the realisation that we had given the girls the best start, that we no longer had to focus on them, it was all about us, slammed home. And as usual, I started to analyse and over-analyse and came to the conclusion that the girls were old enough now that they didn’t need us to be together to thrive, that we could split up without them being too badly affected. I knew if we did you would be totally amicable because you would still want to be able to share time with the girls and if that meant with me, then so be it. Last time we had a conversation about strippers you walked out on me, I could only see you doing it again.”

I was flabbergasted! I would love to have said something but was just lost for words. I must have looked like a fish with my jaw working and nothing coming out.

Tina hugged a bit tighter and continued, “Let me go back a little, I’ve always loved you so much, when you said I loved you before all that stuff over the concert, you were right and wrong. Yes, I loved you before that, but I had pretty much fallen in love with you before we first went out. You were just this presence that whenever you turned up in the library or were in the bar after one of your games, wherever you were people orbited about you and I felt the same gravity pulling me in. You just had a warmth that you spread and when we spoke it was almost as if what I said was the most important thing to you and if it was a problem you would do your utmost to help fix it. Above all else, while I was basking in your warmth, I felt safe, it was like a forcefield around me, protecting me with every fibre of your being. That day you asked me out was one of the best days of my life, possibly the best and yes, better than when you asked me to marry you, because if you hadn’t asked me out, we wouldn’t have got to there.”

“Take a breath,” I said chuckling.

“What’s funny?” she said, looking up at me with a tear-streaked face.

“Some of the things you said just then. When I came into the bar after the game yesterday and saw you, not for the first time, I found myself thinking some very similar things about you. Maybe we are twin stars destined to orbit each other until the end of time.”

“I hope so, if that is the case, the rest of what I say will sound foolish.” Tina started to sound a little sheepish.

I lifted her chin and looked her in the eye and said, “If it’s truly how you feel, it can’t be foolish, you might be mistaken to feel that way or it might need some adjustment or clarifying, but it can’t be foolish, it’s your feelings.”

“And that’s another thing, you have never judged me. So,” she took a deep breath, “something you don’t know, that other night, I was scared how you would react, I know you would hate to think I had been alone with another man. Shh, let me finish. I knew I would be with Paula, her sister and her friends, but I also knew what they were like when drunk, I may as well have been alone. I didn’t think it’s because you didn’t trust me, but maybe I didn’t trust myself if I’d had too much to drink and I got carried away and I also thought you would hate yourself if anything happened and you had not done your best to protect me.” I nodded at that last bit. She continued without pause, “Yes, I know, I know, how can you protect me if you don’t know where I am? But the other question that kept dragging its claws through me was, would you want to protect me if I put myself in such a situation?

“That’s why you showed me the videos yesterday, to keep me informed, to help me to keep myself safe. Did you know I have never had a business lunch with a male client one to one? The daft thing is, I know you would be fine, but I just want to remain beyond reproach. Taking this further, I think this is the reason I can’t work for you or even see your accounts. I am your wife, it would benefit me if there was an issue that I could exploit to help you out, so to remain beyond reproach, I have nothing to do with it. I guess it relates to the strippers, too, if I’m not there, I can’t be accused of doing anything wrong. And this is why when Diane told me about the hen night and I thought about everything, I got scared again. I know now I was silly, I do, I really do know I can tell you everything, but the little girl that was going out with you all those years ago came back and it terrified me thinking ‘what if’, I’m so sorry.”

I could feel the dampness from her tears soaking through my sweatshirt as I pulled her round into a tight hug kissing her silently on the top of my head while we both processed what she had said.

“You’ve really never had a one-to-one business lunch with a man?” I could feel her nodding against my chest. “Wow! Isn’t that kind of awkward at times?”

“No, I work around it, either making sure someone else will be there or ordering in lunch, or just trying not to book times that might run over lunch. Though there is one client who never seems to have any other times available, but he’s also my biggest account.”

“Wow, that really surprises me, I’m not sure whether to feel happy that you’re not allowing yourself to get into any questionable situations or sad that you might think I would either not listen to you or think the worst of you.” I could feel Tina start crying again, so hugged her tighter. “It’s okay, this is what we need to do, clear all of this out of the way.

“What about last night though and others like it? You’ve always seemed comfortable dancing with other, strange men, stranger than that, my teammates.”

“Well, your teammates are like the big brothers I never had; I think they’d kill you if you ever hurt me. On the other side, you’re there to protect me, to save me.”

“From what? I trust you implicitly, you’ve said once I have no reason to think otherwise and as far as I’m concerned, that still stands. Don’t not do stuff because you think I might take it the wrong way, you’re a grown woman, you make decisions for multi-million-pound companies, you’re not some daft teenage bimbo.” I wasn’t sure what to think. I had a whole bunch of questions rolling about in my head, but none of them would form coherently; then I found one, I hoped. “What is it you are afraid you might do that would result in me leaving you? And what are the chances?”

Tina shrugged; rather than say anything I just shook her lightly in my embrace indicating she should tell me.

“That’s the really stupid thing, I don’t think I would do anything, but what if I got too drunk? What if someone drugged my drink? What if I got in a situation where more was expected of me and although I wasn’t willing to give, it was taken? What if I was brainwashed or found something I thought I had been missing and thought I needed it?”

“Okay, wow again. I think you’ve let your imagination run away with you. If you get too drunk? Drink less is the simple answer, if your drinks have been spiked then it’s not any different to being drugged. In either case, you need to be careful, you know full well I’ve heard you lecture the girls about this, you know what to do. But just like ‘the situation’, all of these are no different to out-and-out rape, I will never ever leave you because of someone doing that, pure and simple. Well, I might have to leave for a while, but I understand Her Majesty allows people to visit people detained at her pleasure.

“Brainwashing would also be non-consensual, but, if you mean act out of what is now your normal character, become something you are not, finding something you think you need. All I ask is that you talk to me and be completely honest, but also I think I would notice changes, so I promise to do the same. I suppose today is the start of that.”

“Oh, Luke, I do love you so much and I knew all those answers, I don’t know why I…” I cut her off.

“I think I do, every so often you feel a little unsteady, maybe you’ll think of something or something will come up that will just rock your foundations a bit. Like the last bit, just talk to me and be completely honest and we can have a chat like this and give you a bit of a reset. I love you and if I need to phone you every hour to tell you, to give you that little bit of strength for when you get the wobbles, I’ll do it. So our first decision, from this talk, is to talk like this more often, a ‘clear out the attic’ time, so to speak. Be it a full-blown ‘we need to talk’, like today, or five minutes cuddling in bed.”

Tina pulled me down into a loving but passionate kiss that, short of making love, was her telling me she was all mine. I knew that, but it’s nice to get it confirmed every so often. I returned the kiss with as much passion to tell her I was all hers.

“You are a real mix of people, aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“A strong, intelligent woman on one hand, a frightened, anxious girl on the other. Confident yet paranoid, powerful and weak, dominant and submissive, a child, a mother, a sinner, a saint, a little bit of everything, all these rolled into one.”

“You forgot bitch and lover.”

I smiled knowing her head was clearing. “I have a question about something you said, that I’d hate myself if anything happened to you, I’d feel I hadn’t done enough to protect you. You know me so well and even asked the question that jumped out at me--how could I if you don’t tell me where you are and what you are doing? Did you come to a conclusion about that yet?” She shook her head no. “It’s fine, I’m not sure we need to answer why not, just remember that I can’t next time you are tempted.”

She nodded as I squeezed her a little.

“Now what about Missy, she was someone I hadn’t met before. I’d seen the odd sign, but you’ve never really let her come out to play. Is this something you had wanted or needed for a while, or something new?”

“I don’t know, it felt right. Hell, I can’t lie, it felt really good. It’s not something I’ve ever really thought I wanted. That said, I did enjoy it and I don’t think I would be averse to exploring it more, if you would help me.”

“By your command, m’lady,” I said with a slight flourish and bow. “Let’s get the holidays out of the way first though, I’m not sure the girls will ever visit again if they caught us roleplaying like that again.”

“Again?” she looked at me a questioningly and also a little shocked.

“Ah, yes, they gave me a load of shit yesterday morning, calling me 'sir' and asking where Missy was,” which made Tina snigger. “Shall we start walking back, I only have one more thing, unless you have anything?”

“I think your one thing, might be mine. Chris?” I nodded and so we turned and arm in arm, started back. “What was going through your mind?”

“Not much, the blood had all rushed elsewhere.”

“Tut! Men! No, before that, when she asked to dance, what were you thinking other than salacious thoughts, when you said she could ask?”

“In some respects, much the same as when men ask, it saves my dad-dancing, which can never be a bad thing, but although I don’t own you, I know you’re mine. So, if you want to dance, they are respectful and don’t fail the husband test, then what’s the problem? With Chris, I must admit to being curious, after my surprise, that is. Curious at how you would react both to the request and while dancing but yes, also how you would look together. Go on, slap your pervert husband.”

“Don’t you think that when men ask?”

“Yes and no, you’ve never shown any interest in women, in fact, you’ve always ‘tutted’ me when I’ve mentioned it. You’ve always said you’d never had any interest in seeing what it was like or experimenting with a woman before we met. So, as far as I was concerned you dancing with men is natural for you. You always look perfect to me, another man doesn’t enhance it in any way, you enjoying yourself is what I love to see, but I don’t worry about you dancing with them because I know it’s just dancing and you’re coming home with me.”

“Oh, so you got worried I might go home with her?”

“Worried, no, hoped…” I deserved the slap. “Sorry, no, the worry levels were the same, zero, but it was new territory. I know you’d never have any more than a couple of dances with any of the men, if they survive that long, so guessed it would be the same with her. However, this was an undiscovered country--you said it yourself, who would lead?--but I wondered what you would look like, you and both of you. You looked happy, once you relaxed, so that box was ticked for me and yes, you looked hot together, sorry, but she’s a beautiful woman, what better way to enhance perfection than for her to dance with beauty?”

“Smooth. What was that with giving her number back to me?”

“Meaning I would have thrown a man’s away?” She nodded. “I honestly didn’t feel any threat, with each and every man, they are trying to get you away from me and into bed, not that I think you would. Whereas, I didn’t feel anything about Chris trying to pull us apart.”

“Or get me into bed? Because she wanted to.” I looked at Tina and raised a questioning eyebrow. “She told me, ‘If you were not so in love with your husband, I would make a play for you, but I can see I would stand no chance.’ She did go on to say she would love to be friends."

“And you don’t think that was her making a play? I could see the disappointment in her face, but it was a sad, ‘no point even fighting this battle’ look. This is opposed to the look some of the men give, almost a defiant ‘if I thought it would do some good, I’d kick his arse’ look.

“It’s your call, but I gave you back the number because I thought she seemed a pleasant woman and you looked like you got on well, you can always back off if you think she’s not being straight up.”

“Yet you wouldn’t let me with a man?”

“If he came across like Chris, I might, but given what you said, you wouldn’t.” She nodded. I checked my watch and it was a little after noon. “Do you want to grab a sandwich and coffee?”

I sent the girls a text to say we would be having an evening meal if they were about, but to get their own lunch. We stopped at the local café and ordered our lunch: a chicken, stuffing and mayonnaise and a toasted corned beef sandwich and two coffees. To my disgust, Tina insisted on sitting outside, so I grabbed a handful more napkins to cover my food when it arrived and to give her something to snigger about.

While we waited, Tina looked at me deep in thought then said, “I wish I could be like you. You don’t worry about things, you don’t over-analyse, you always seem to give me the answer I need to my problems and you are always so confident in every area you go into.”

“If you truly believe that, then I’m doing better than I thought. I do worry and over-analyse. I worried about this talk today and thought of every way it could go wrong and even more ways to avoid it.

“You know, we nearly never got married?” This shocked her and while her jaw was still immobile on the floor, I continued. “I was scared shitless of asking you out, so scared, I almost didn’t. All those times I chatted to you around campus and at the club I was umming and ahhing. I was convinced you came to watch someone else playing. So, when you said yes, I was so over the moon I didn’t know what to say, hence the ‘I’ll pick you up at eight’ before running off. I didn’t sleep that night.”

Good, she was still stunned, so I continued, “After our first date I was terrified of asking for a second because the first one and you had been so perfect, I really wanted to declare my love for you there and then, but thought you’d laugh at me.”

“Oh shit! I thought my lunch revelation was a biggy.”

I just raised my eyebrows as if to say it was.

“It all stems from my teens when I nearly didn’t make it.” She nodded as she knew all about that. “It was the months of counselling that got me on track, but I also get an annual reset in case I ever waver. I do worry and over-analyse I don’t always have the answer and a lot I give you is a rehash from those sessions. My confidence is a front that is underpinned by the wonderful family I know I have waiting for me at home. You are my confidence.”

I’m afraid to say that this killed the conversation for the rest of the morning. We both had so much to take on board; stupidly, a lot that could and should have been said years before.

The girls were at home when we got there and we told each other about our days, then after supper, we all sat and watched a favourite film together, laughing at the mistakes, quoting verbatim; these were the times I cherished. That night when we went to bed, Tina and I just snuggled together folding our bodies into the creases of the other, just enjoying the feeling of being with one another.

During the week the girls were out a few evenings so we talked more. I said I wanted to join Tina a couple of mornings doing yoga and she was going to drop one of her gym sessions so we could start a dancing class. We had found a Latin dance school online that would keep us both fit, especially if I was going to ease back on the rugby, but also give me a few more moves and some coordination when we went out together

When I got home on Friday evening, all was quiet. I shouted for anyone and Tina called back she would be down in a minute. Good job as I had stopped for Chinese on the way home; I grabbed some plates and chopsticks and set the table. She was dressed casually, a pair of trousers and a plain t-shirt and when I looked questioningly, she said that they were advised to keep it simple as things could sometimes get rowdy. I could tell she was still nervous as we ate, talking about our days and ignoring Nellie in the corner until we were finished.

I said, “Are you okay? You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, you know you can always blame me.”

She leaned over and kissed me, gathering up my plate. “It’s fine, just a little nervous, you know?” We cleared the table and there was a knock at the door. Diane was here to pick her up.

“Hi, Luke, how are you?” she said, leaning up to get her mandatory kiss on the cheek.

“Good, thanks, nice quiet night in, all the girls out from under my feet,” I replied with a smile.

“Not sure when I’ll get her home to you, but it shouldn’t be later than one, is that okay?”

“Of course, you both have a great time and wish Abbie happy birthday from me.”

Tina gave me a long kiss and hug before they both thanked me and headed out. I finished tidying up and made a coffee and settled down for a nice quiet evening. I’d bought one of the latest film releases that I knew the girls weren’t into, plus I had some recordings on the PVR to catch up on.

It was a little after eleven thirty when I heard a key in the lock. I checked the time as I was surprised anyone was home so early.

As I got to the hall, Tina burst into the house in floods of tears. “They made me do it, someone was pushing my head. I’m so sorry!”