Chapter 5: Philosophy 101

Thursday, Tabi and I go for another walk in the park after work and end up going to Jacob’s for happy hour. I see Sarah. 

“Get your test results back?" I ask. I reach out to gently touch Sarah’s arm as she is bouncing by, not noticing me.

“Oh, hi Rick! Didn’t see you there." Sarah’s young pretty face beams at me. “Yeah, unfortunately, you are going to be seeing me around for a while longer. Just barely didn’t pass." She sticks her lower lip out in an exaggerated sad face.

“Awe, bummer,” I say.

“Yeah. I’ll give it another go next semester. Got to run!” Sarah says, returning to her normal bubbly personality. “Thanks for asking though. That was really kind of you to remember," she says sincerely, touching my forearm softly, then bounces off to take care of another table.

After Sarah bounces away, Tabitha whispers, “Glad she clarified what you were asking about. I thought you were checking to see if you got her pregnant." Her tone is cold and dark. I stare dumbfounded at my friend. My thoughts are confused. As a rebuke forms, Tabi derails my thought by stating coolly, “You should ask her out."

“Who? Sarah? One of The Bobbsey Twins?” I make sure I whisper my nickname for Sarah.

Tabi chuckles at my nickname. “Not your type?" she asks still with a seriousness in her tone.

“Not even close.”

“Seems like you’d be able to bed her on your first date. Maybe you already have," Tabitha quips.

“Exactly. Definitely not my type. Not looking for quick and easy," I say with conviction.

“What is your type then?" The seriousness in Tabi’s voice is replaced with actual curiosity.

“I wouldn’t say I have a type. It’s more of a fate." I feel some relief to get past the attitude from Tabitha.

“Yeah, right," Tabitha scoffs.

“Seriously. I'm not approaching dating the way most people do. I'm purposely looking for my soulmate.”

“Soulmate? You believe in that crap? You seem like too smart of a guy to believe in that stuff." The cold seriousness has returned to Tabi’s tone.

“Do you believe in God?”

“Wow. This is getting to be way too deep of a conversation. Next topic," she says, obviously trying to cut off the conversation now.

“Do you?”

“Do I what?” she asks, staring at me blankly.

“Don’t act coy. Do you believe in God or not? It’s a simple question.” My own tone comes out stern.

“On the fence,” Tabi responds, looking away as if perturbed by me.

“On the fence? Come on. Pick a side. Even the devil and his demons believe in God. For they tremble and run at the sound of His name.”

“Quoting scripture to me?" Tabitha sits back and crosses her arms in a don’t-go-there look.

“So you do believe.”

“Used to. Been a hard life since then and on the fence right now. Okay?" Her tone has a hint of hurt in it.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know," I say, backing off on my tone.

“You’ve never asked, so how would you know? But this is about your view of the world, not mine, so just tell me yours," she says, her voice starting out cold, then warming quickly by time she’s finished.

I sense she is putting up a wall. “Do you believe in love? Like actually loving someone, say your spouse or significant other, for more than just sex?" I want to tell Tabitha about my philosophy, but I need to know where to start.

“Meaning like, to be in-love with someone? Not sure of that either," she answers.

“Oh boy. You must be in a dark place." Tabitha glares at me for recognizing that. “But, this is about me, not you. Well, I believe in it. I feel it. I feel my heart burning with the desire to actually love someone.”

“Like in one of those cheesy romance movies and novels?" Her tone is doubtful, but I notice her posture softens. “Yeah, probably not for me right now.”

“Right now, or ever?”

“Stop trying to make this about me. Okay?" Her posture and tone hardens again. “And for the record, I'm still not interested. Don’t think I ever will be.”

“In what?"

“In dating you.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought this was about." She sits back in her chair, arms crossed, glaring at me again.

Anger wells up inside me. “Alright, Tabi! You got me all wrong! That is not what this is about!" My voice is stern and hot. I look directly in her eyes and lean across the table. My hands are animated and stamping my finger into the table with a thump with every point, trying to, quite literally, pound my points home. “You asked me what my philosophy is and it’s not a one word answer, so I’m trying to gauge where you are so I can give you more or less detail. That’s all! Quit reading into everything I’m fucking saying like I'm trying to get you in bed. Geez! Can you just get over it and trust me for God’s sake? Oh, sorry. Don’t even trust Him." I finish with cutting sarcasm. My heart is pounding in my chest, because of the adrenaline rushing through me. I hate how she questions my integrity. I can’t look at her without feeling my anger rise back up like a fire.

“Wow. Chill out fireball,” she whispers under her breath.

“Warm up ice cube." It comes out quick and cutting before I can stop it. I stare at the floor. My mind races with angry words, but I hold them back.

“That hurt," she says softly after a minute.

I look up at her and see she is actually hurt by my harshness. My anger switches into feeling terrible. I hurt her feelings. “Unfortunately, it was meant to. I’m sorry." 

I excuse myself to the restroom to cool off. As I approach again and sit, still trying to blow my anger out with clarifying breaths, she says, “Sorry about questioning your motives. It’s just hard for me to trust." Her voice is soft and sincere.

“Obviously." My tone is still too sharp. I recognize I need to calm it down and put it behind us. “Sorry I blew up at you. One of the things my ex-wife used to do was accuse me of shit I wasn’t doing and it just…nevermind…not going to get into it here. What you just did was dig up a huge pile of old bones that I haven’t had to deal with in a long time." I take a deep clarifying breath, but am still having trouble looking up from the floor. 

“It’s okay and I understand the old bones thing. Wait a minute." I look up to meet her eyes. “How come I never knew you were married before?" Tabitha’s eyes have a look of hurt in them. “Why haven’t you told me?" she asks in a shaky voice.

My heart tears. Though I'm still angry at her for accusing me, the best friend I have in this world right now doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know who I am or how I got here.

“How about the Cliff Notes version?" Tabi asks before I have a chance to answer.  She  leans over the table with a soft caring look on her face.

“Too long and painful for tonight," I say, as my heart tries to block the pain of my failed marriage.

She chuckles nervously,  “Not about your ex. I meant your dating philosophy."

I half scoff, half chuckle through my nose. “Fair. Okay. Cliff Notes." 

How do I boil my philosophy down into a concise, easily deliverable package? I sit and think for a minute of how to give Tabi a summary. 

“Okay, how about this?" I look up to make sure she is paying attention, then look down at my hands as they hold and comfort each other; giving me the strength to continue. “I believe in love. I believe in being in-love. I believe in soulmates. I believe by practicing things like Tantra, Tao, and/or the Kama Sutra, you know, ancient practices about sensuality, energy, and connection, two people, i.e. soulmates, can keep their love and passion for each other from growing stale. In addition, they can actually make love and have sex at a higher level than just the physical. They can join, or bind, their souls with God’s love for eternity. How’s that for the Cliff Notes version?" As I finish, I gaze at the beautiful woman across from me, fully confident in my philosophy.

“Whoa." Her look is one of shock.

“What?" I ask nervously.

“That’s out there," she chuckles. The look of shock transforms into a look of amusement. “Wa-Wow!" A big smile forms across her face.

“You think I’m weird," I say, chuckling at her reaction, feeling a little uncomfortable, and a little embarrassed for putting myself out there like that.

“I used to think you were weird. Now, I know you are," she says laughing, but not laughing to make fun. I sense it is a good hearted laugh at someone she highly respects and trusts to not be offended.

I can’t help but laugh as well. I must be weird. Nobody ever talks like that. I can’t believe I just barfed that out in front of the most amazing and beautiful woman in the world. I look at her. She is smiling at me. She is happy. That is all that matters.

For the rest of the night, my friend continues to break out in little fits of laughter as she makes comments about my outlandish philosophy, or starts teasing me about how she sees a girl that I can probably convince to be my “gypsy sex goddess.”

Tabitha leaves me at the table and excuses herself to the restroom. I see her coming back to me when a guy grabs her arm and pulls her in for a hug. She beams at him and hugs him back. I can’t hear what they are saying, but she looks truly happy. She spends a few minutes talking with him, smiling the whole time. She then indicates she needs to get back to me. The guy spins on his bar stool and looks at me. He is rugged and strong looking, but also has soft facial features. I recognize him as one of the two guys Tabi was speaking with in the common area the day I had to go to the leasing office. I nod at him casually, but my heartstrings stretch then rip in two.

Tabi returns to me and sits. Feeling uneasy, and a little hurt, I tell Tabi I’m going to make it an early night. I use the fact I'm going to see my family in Michigan the next day as cover. Tabi explains she is going to hang out for a bit with her friend, which she indicates is sitting at the bar. I know which friend she is referring to.

I spend a long weekend with family and friends at their cabin in the middle of the woods. It feels good to get away and get out in nature again. It also feels good to do the hard physical labor it takes to chop wood, fix roofs, clear trees off paths, and such. It actually feels like I cleanse my soul while there.

When I return back to my apartment in Ohio, I cannot believe it is nearly September. Where is the year going? And where is my soulmate? 

I pull my list back out and run through it. I add a few requirements. Requirements of qualities I’ve learned or realized I want in a soulmate based on my interactions with Tabitha.

Chapter 6: Tough Night

That week, Tabi and I hang out in what is becoming a usual pattern. Saturday mornings we meet for coffee, then do some type of activity like hiking, biking, or running in the afternoon. We often do something on Sunday, then, during the week, we go to the gym together a couple times, go to the park for a walk or a run together, and end up at Jacob’s on Thursday for happy hour and dinner. At the end of each visit, we hug each other comfortably now to say goodbye. We even start hugging hello. It always feels good when our bodies touch. I like the way her energy flows into me. Her energy nourishes me like cool, calming water.

On the last Saturday night in August, Tabitha and I are hanging out at Jacob’s having a drink. It is nearing ten p.m., and the place is hoppin’. We commandeer a high table, but there is only one chair. I, of course, insist Tabi sits in the chair while I stand. I have my back to most of the crowd while we talk about everything in the world.

Without warning, I'm pushed forward, knocking the table into Tabitha. This also spills my beer and Tabi’s vodka. My anger spikes without control. I spin and push the guy off me. I immediately see he was obviously pushed by this other dude. I don’t hear anything. I just lock onto the culprit and rush him. I see his eyes light up as I charge at him, shoving both of my hands into his chest and basically picking him up off the floor with my strength. As he lands, still on his feet, he starts backing up quickly. I rush and push him again, then again, backing him up and out the front door of the bar. As his back hits the door, I yell at him, “Get the fuck out!” and point toward the street.

After I'm sure he isn’t coming back, I look down and see my beer is down the front of my shirt. Disgusted, I turn and stalk back toward Tabitha. I find her at the table. She is lifting the chair she was sitting in back upright while Sarah is wiping up the spilled drinks. As I approach, Sarah sees me, looks at me with fear in her eyes, then backs away tentatively to make room.

“Thank you,” I say softly to Sarah with a smile, trying to let know she can get back to her task of cleaning our table.

I look at Tabitha and she seems to be in shock. “Whoa," she says.

“What?" I hold up my now empty beer glass and scowl at its vacancy. I'm not in the mood to drink another whole one, however.

“Holy shit. Remind me to never piss you off," Tabitha says.

“What? The idiot almost knocked you over. You would have slammed your head on the floor. There’s no reason for that bullshit here, but I’m glad you are all right." I notice my tone is a little terse. Tabitha scoffs and raises her eyebrows again. “What? Quit looking at me like I’m some kind of monster." I figure I looked like a lunatic raging after the idiot I just basically threw out of the bar. I sigh. I'm disappointed in my lack of self-control.

“I’m just surprised. That was a whole side of you I never expected to see. I guess I didn’t realize how tough you could be," Tabitha says.

“I'm definitely not a tough guy." I roll my eyes in disbelief.

“Holy shit. That dude was like four inches taller than you and probably had you by 50 pounds. You basically picked him up like a rag doll and threw him out of here." I roll my eyes again at her comment. She scoffs again. “I guess it’s good to know you got it if you ever need it. That was kind of amazing. Just saying.”

“Maybe you are easily amazed." I finally feel a smile on my face, throwing her own line back at her. 

She responds by sticking her tongue out at me like a spoiled little girl. We both laugh.

Soon after, Tabitha and I pay our bills and leave as it is getting late. Neither of us ever seem to like the bar scene after ten at night. On the way home, Tabi turns to me and thanks me.

“For what?” I inquire.

“What do you mean, for what?" Tabitha stops abruptly and looks at me like I should know the answer or I’m stupid for not knowing. I’m really not sure what she is talking about. “For saving me from falling over."

“What do you mean?”

“Hello, Earth to Rick! Do you not remember grabbing my arm and pulling me up and out of the chair as I was falling backward?"

“You fell backwards? Are you Okay?" I’m genuinely concerned for my friend.

“No, I didn't fall. That’s why I’m thanking you!" She looks at me like I’m stupid again. “You are actually telling me that you don’t remember reaching across the table, grabbing my arm, and pulling me out of the chair as I went back?”

“Well, if you say I did, I guess I did." I vaguely remember something like what Tabi described.

As we start to walk again, Tabitha says, “Well, it’s good to know that if I'm ever in trouble, you will be there for me without even a thought." I just shrug like it’s not a big deal. She Scoffs. “You’ve got to be the most dynamic guy I’ve ever known." Her tone is calm and confident with a hint of astonishment.

“Look who’s talking." I chuckle. “Hey, maybe we could be The Dynamic Duo," I say sarcastically, but my heart begins to flair up at the thought of being with her.

Tabi scoffs. I sense she knows I meant my last comment as more than friends. “Yeah. If there was a guy every girl should go for it’s you,” she says sincerely looking up and into my eyes.  “Smart, good looking…actually hot. All my friends think you’re hot. Successful, funny, healthy, obviously tough and strong when you need to be, soft and caring most of the time, respectful.” She scoffs.  “I mean, you always open the door for me. You even want to be in-love." Tabitha’s voice finishes low and unemotional, but with every word, it is like a gallon of gasoline is being thrown on my flaming heart.

It is fairly dark so I can’t see her eyes. Is this a chink in her armor? A gap? A space for me to finally get in?

“What? What were you just whispering?”

“Sorry. I talk to myself a lot," I say, embarrassed. 

I didn’t actually say out loud what I was thinking, did I?

“Rick. Stop," Tabitha whispers with a bit of urgency in her voice.

“Stop what?" I match her tone.

“Stop feeling what you’re feeling.”

Oh, shit. I did say it out loud.

“I see it in your eyes all the time. My point is, some girl is going to be really happy someday, but not this one. You have all those qualities and I still don’t feel anything more than friendship for you. Please put it away. You are not going to get what you want. What you will get is hurt."

No! No, no, no, no, no.

Tabi’s soft sincere voice and matter-of-fact tone skewers me. I feel the pressure in my chest trying to compress the flame in my heart back down. Tabitha just threw ten gallons of cold water on it, but my flame feels unquenchable.

“Rick, I’m sorry. You need to understand I’m broken. I don’t think I’m capable of love. I feel hopeless and unworthy of it at times. I wish I could feel it, but I don’t." Tabitha must be able to either see my eyes, or feel my heart radiating out to her. “Stop. Please. Don’t ruin our friendship,” she pleads, “Just put it away." Her tone is more forceful now. “Besides, you smell like beer. Yuck!" Tabi’s last statement comes out with disgust; a sharp contrast to the rest of what she said. She then spins and turns to walk toward home again.

I have to find a way in. Somehow, some way I need to let out what I'm feeling. A thousand bad options spin through my mind trying to find words and/or actions to convince her. I feel bad to hear she thinks she is broken, incapable of love, hopeless, even unworthy of love. If she would just let me-

Stop. Don’t ruin it, Rick!.

A couple of minutes later, as we near home, Tabitha makes a comment regarding how she probably won’t get hit on with me around, because everyone will be worried about getting their ass kicked.

That isn’t going to stop any of them. It’s impossible to resist her beauty.