I wouldn’t call myself a BBW, more of a BW. I’m a big woman but I would never call myself beautiful. I’ve never had a problem accepting my weight; I just got on with it, but it seemed a little more difficult for other people to deal with. At school I was always the ‘fat one’ and even as I got older when all of my friends were meeting boys I was always left out. Nobody was ever interested in the big girl. People weren’t interested in looking past my size. Nobody cared that I was funny or intelligent or passionate and thoughtful. I forced myself to work on my personality, I needed something more than looks to help me stand out in life.
More than anything in the world I wanted someone to notice me, just one person to look at me and say ‘I want to get to know that girl’. It never happened for me though. When I started going clubbing with friends I’d dance my night away and maybe finish with a passion filled drunken kiss, but it never went any further than that. I was always only going to be the big girl, not the princess I wished I could be.
While my friends found themselves boyfriends, I lost myself in music and books and found myself. I knew who I was and what I wanted to achieve in life. I started university with high hopes and finished with an honours degree in music. Although I knew I could never be a pop star, it didn’t stop me wanting to become something and wanting people to hear my music. I busked on the streets of Dublin during the day and played in the pubs at night. It didn’t matter to me if there were three hundred people listening or three, if my music touched somebody, anybody, the hard work was worth it.
One night about eight years ago now, I was playing in a dingy pub on D’Olier Street. There weren’t many people in the place and it looked like it could fall down around me, but as a gigging musician you take any job that comes. I had been playing for about an hour when I noticed a man in the corner intently studying me. Although I was very used to having people look at me when I was on stage, I wasn’t used to people looking at me the way he was. I was feeling very insecure and started to blush. I tried not to look his way but every time I did he was still watching me. I didn’t know how to take him, was he drunk and just trying to focus on one thing? Did he like my voice? Was he an axe murderer? I just did not know and so when I saw him go out to the smoking area I took that as my cue to pack up and leave.
I left the pub and ran out into the rain. My bus stop wasn’t far and it wasn’t too dark yet so I decided just to wait. I put my headphones over my ears and turned my iPod up as loud as it would go, it was a defense mechanism of mine to try and block out the world. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the walls that surrounded Trinity College, the walls of history. I closed my eyes and let the rain fall on my face, imagining each drop as a sweet kiss from a lover.
I opened my eyes and almost jumped out of my skin. Standing right in front of me, just staring, was the man from the bar. I should have felt the urge to scream but although his eyes made me feel insecure, there was still something safe about him. I took my headphones off and looked at him questioningly. “Uh, em, I’m sorry to bother you ma’am, but um, I uh just had to tell you that uh, I think you’re em, amazing”, he said in a beautiful American accent. He looked at me sheepishly as if he was about to run off so I stepped closer and said thanks.
I didn’t know what would have a man like this stammering, he was easy on the eye from a distance, but my God, on closer inspection, he was amazing. He was about 6’3” with beautiful hazel eyes and dark skin. Absolutely stunning, but I wasn’t about to get my hopes up, there was not a hope in hell that this man was interested in anything but my voice.
He asked me all of the usual questions, how long I’d been singing, where I’d been looking for my big break yada yada yada and before we knew it, it was past midnight and I’d missed the last bus home. It felt so right talking to him, so comfortable, so effortless. I was mesmerised but I knew in my heart not to pin all my hopes on him being my knight in shining armour.
He asked me to go for coffee considering I’d missed my bus anyway and I obliged. We walked the streets of Dublin for hours, forgetting about the coffee, me giving him a guided tour of Dublin the way the locals see it and him telling me all about his life in America. Before we knew it the sun was starting to rise and we were standing outside the G.P.O. on O’Connell Street. I was just finished showing him the bullet holes in the front columns still visible from the Easter Rising of 1916 when he took my hand and told me that he wanted to show me something. He put his hand over my eyes so I couldn’t see and I didn’t know what to expect. We hadn’t moved an inch and all was quiet for nearly a minute. I was starting to get impatient when out of nowhere I felt his lips on mine. A kiss. From a stranger. He took his hand away from my eyes but I couldn’t look at him. I felt so vulnerable standing in front of him. How could he be attracted to me, he could have had any girl in the city but he chose me. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. What had a girl like me got to give to a man like him.
“Sarah, I know we’ve only just met and I probably shouldn’t have kissed you but please, can you just look at me?” I wanted so badly just to look at Sean but I was afraid that opening my eyes again would mean the dream would end. He put his hand to my cheek and I moved a little bit closer to him so he knew that it was alright and that I was happy. He laughed a little and pulled me closer.
We were so close now that I could feel his breath on my neck as we held each other. I could feel him getting harder underneath his jeans. I felt safe. I knew that he wanted me. Feeling him yearning for me, I accepted that for some crazy reason, he wanted me. I felt a warm rush of juices between my legs, my body wanted him as much as my heart did but I couldn’t give in to him, I’d only known him a few hours.
We finished our tour of Dublin holding hands and softly kissing each other. It was perfect, but it couldn’t last forever. I had to go home to get some sleep before another night of gigging and sadly Sean’s holiday had come to an end and he was flying home to L.A. that night. We swapped numbers and email addresses and home addresses and every other snippet of contact details we had with each other. We may have been on different sides of the pond but that wasn’t going to stop us.
Sean and I spoke everyday. We gradually became the best of friends. We would talk to each other whenever we could and it was amazing. The only thing that worried me was the fear that we were going to far into the friend zone to come back. It had been four years since Sean’s visit to Dublin and I could still taste his lips on mine, but I was worried that he’d forgotten how we started.
We had both been saving our money to fund a trip for either me to go and visit him or for him to come and visit me but there was always something that got in the way. I’d be working when he was free and he’d be free when I was too busy to leave the country. I was beginning to think that all faith had in store for me was finding a best friend in Sean.
I had been putting so much effort into trying to get my music heard and it was beginning to pay off. I was being offered bigger Irish venues and being given amazing opportunities to tour small venues in different countries. It was after I played a gig in London that I was offered the chance to do a minor tour in America. This was it, my big chance.
As well as getting to play my songs in America, I was finally going to be in the same country as Sean. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. As soon as it was confirmed I emailed Sean and told him about what had happened. He promised to come to my show in L.A. and that he’d give me a tour like the one I’d given him. I was so excited, the only bad thing was that I had to tour for seven weeks before playing my last date in L.A.; that meant seven weeks in the same country as Sean but not being able to see him.
We spoke every day in the lead up to my trip. I played some of my new songs for him and he told me which ones he thought I should put into the show. Lately it felt like I was constantly writing. Anytime I thought about Sean I could write a song. It was funny because he used to say after I’d sing a love song that he wished someone would write a song like that about him, little did he know.
I landed in New York full of excitement and determination. I was going to make this trip worth my while. I was going to be noticed by someone for my talent, I was going to make sure of that. My first show was in a trendy café in Manhattan and the next in a museum in Boston. It was so different from anything I’d ever done before but it was amazing. The only thing that could have made it better was if Sean had of been there. Four weeks had gone by and I was getting restless. I just needed to see him. With every day that passed we spent longer on the phone and I spent more time longing for him. More often than not when I was talking to him my hand would slip down my pants and start exploring, even his voice turned me on.
It was the night before my show in L.A. I had just arrived at my hotel when the concierge handed me my room key and a huge bunch of flowers. I was tired and confused so brought them to my room without looking at the card. I jumped onto the bed and as was my routine now, took out my phone and dialed Sean’s number. “How do you like your flowers, my lady?” he answered. I was so surprised that he had gone to the trouble for me and once again I fell for him. Every little thing he did made me fall.
I was about to take my place on stage. My eyes kept scanning the small crowd but I just couldn’t seem to find him. I knew he wouldn’t disappoint me on purpose so then I was worrying about what might have happened to him. Even though I was worried I still had to perform and so took my place. Halfway through my second song I saw him, in the corner, transfixed, the way he was the first night he saw me play. This time though, his eyes made me feel beautiful. All of my worries melted away. I knew that being his best friend could only help me in becoming his soul mate.
After the show he walked right up to me. He didn’t say a word just kissed me. Wow. Again and again he made me feel beautiful and wanted and loved. I could have told him there and then that I loved him. We left the bar hand in hand, he was giving me a guided tour as promised. Every now and again we’d stop and just breathe each other in. It had been so long since we’d touched each other, and back then we barely knew each other, that this was still such a novelty. Even his scent made me go weak at the knees.
After my tour I told him that I had something to show him. We hailed a cab and went back to my hotel. In the hopes that this night would have gone as well as it did I had bought some beautiful lingerie to surprise Sean with. We went up to my room and as soon as the door closed behind us, we were like wild animals, tearing at each others clothes and stealing deep kisses. We finally got control of ourselves and I went to the bathroom to freshen up.
I opened the door in my new lace bra and panties and saw Sean sitting topless on the bed, I nearly came just at the sight of him. I walked over to the bed and put my hands on his chest. He felt so soft that I couldn’t help but lick him. I ran my tongue up and down his chest and in and around his abs. O.M.G. his body was unreal. I rested my hand outside his jeans on his crotch and started to lick and suck on his nipple. I could feel his cock straining against the fabric and wanted nothing more than to release and please him, but I wanted to tease him as well.
I was a virgin and Sean knew this so we were both surprised to find me doing the things I was doing. It felt so natural with Sean that I didn’t need any instruction. I popped the button on his jeans and he helped me take them off him. His cock was out now and begging me to touch and play with it. I felt intimidated by it. It was at least nine inches long and I honestly didn’t know how it would fit inside me. Sean took my hands and started stroking his thick member, helping me find a rhythm. His cock felt amazing in my hands but he told me that we had to take turns receiving pleasure and that now it was my turn.
I was so nervous but Sean slowly slid my panties down and softly kissed all the way up my thighs until he got to my mound. With two fingers he opened my snatch and with his tongue made sweet circles around my clit. With his free hand he massaged my breasts and I was seriously ready to cum and when he put two fingers inside me, I did. He gave me earth-shattering orgasm after orgasm and I’d never felt so great.
I needed a break from pleasure so I took Sean in my mouth. He was harder now than he had been and his cock felt ready to explode. I licked his shaft up and down and suckled softly on his mushroom top. I wanted him to come in my mouth, to taste him. He put his hands in my hair and pushed himself further inside my mouth. I could feel his body start to shudder and with jerk after jerk of his cock he exploded inside my mouth. There was so much cum that I couldn’t swallow it all so took him out of my mouth and let him shoot it onto my breasts. I wanted Sean inside of me so bad that I knew I had to get him hard again.
I started massaging his cum into my breasts with one hand and with the other massaged my clit. I could see from Sean’s face that this was turning him on. He enjoyed watching me. He started stroking himself trying to make his cock grow so he could get inside me. After a few minutes he was rock hard again and I knew exactly where I wanted him.
Sean lay me on my back and made sure I was comfortable before climbing on top of me. He placed the head of his cock at the entrance of my pussy and assured me that although it might hurt a little at first I would love it. He drove his member inside me. I cried out a little at first but then it was amazing. I needed him to take me faster so I grabbed his ass cheeks and pushed him inside me harder and deeper than we both thought he could even go. He made me feel so good. I was crying out for more when my body started spasming and I had an unreal orgasm with Sean still inside me. This sent Sean over the edge and he released his juices inside me.
I wasn’t even worried that we hadn’t used protection as frankly, having his babies would have been a dream come true. We lay there for the rest of the night spooning and talking and kissing and I finally got up the courage to tell him I loved him because I had a feeling I’d hear it back. And I did.
Its now eight years since the first time I laid eyes on my husband Sean Cusack in a dingy bar on D’Olier Street in Dublin. We are now living in a beautiful house on the California coast and my career is going from strength to strength. Sean has made this once insecure BW into a BBW. He showed me what love is and I owe him everything for that. As for wanting to have his babies; there’s a mini Cusack on the way.
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