January 17th,

Dear Diary,

I've had to let Darcy go.

As much as I hate it, I wasn't getting any better with her. I could tell she resented me for the pain I caused. I deserved all of it, of course. But I couldn't take the thought of keeping her caged in unhappiness when she deserved to be someone's one and only. To be someone's dearest love and not just my "second choice."  

After I succumbed to my foolish weaknesses, our relationship became obsolete. There was nothing to try and save, no matter how much we both wanted to make it all work out. I couldn't make her happy and setting her free was the best thing I could do for her. Even if it did hurt the both of us. It's better this way though. I can't even make myself cheerful at the littlest things now. How was I going to maintain a happy relationship when I'm hell bent on giving myself nothing but punishment?

It's so sad that I let someone break me like this. Causing my life to turn upside down and make me hate life as well as myself. I can't even believe in myself anymore. I've lost the desire to create and bring laughter to others. I can't bring myself to want anything, to hope or even love.

I don't deserve love anyway, not even love for myself. I did a horrible thing to someone else and deserve to suffer for it. Coincidentally, I've found a perfect way to do that. Sexual humiliation has become something I am rather good at taking and being used has taken over any of my previous sexual preferences.

Finding the men is easy enough, especially when I tell them that I don't care who they are - something that seems mutual to most men nowadays.

Sometimes there are handsome ones who come along who seem nice enough but I prefer to blindfold them beforehand. Truth be told, I do it because I can't stand the thought of another man that I'm attracted to seeing how ugly I am underneath my clothes. Gratefully, they don't mind that either.

Some of them I still seek out as well, since a few have given me what I need in this aspect of my life. Choking, slapping, and all the rough pounding help me forget as well as serve as a reminder. I can take some pleasure alongside the pain, but my greatest enjoyment is being able to wake up without feeling heartbreak from all sides.

I enjoy being able to get lost in pleasure somehow but, naturally, I long for myself to be whole again. I want to feel as I felt before all this, for my mind to go back and forget absolutely everything. I no longer want to feel like I'm broken into tiny pieces that are scattered all across the floor. Razor-edged segments that cut me each time I try to pick them up.

I feel unworthy and too disgusting to deserve and have tenderness. Where I once dreamed of a happy family and love, I now see loneliness or emptiness. No one deserves what I offer and I'm thankful that no one no longer wishes to have it.

They say this will all go away in time, just like before. But it's not someone else I'm missing this time, it's me that I'm longing for. Can the same rules still apply?

Perhaps time will tell.

Regrettably,
Melinda Chevalier