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A female that's doesn't mind helping out..

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it would really help me out, if I can meet somebody right now... my nuts are on fire.. I need to get off like ASAP, it's not behaving for me today lol.. I will definitely get the upgraded package as soon as I bust a fat load LOL also that person needs a favor I'll definitely be there for Sammy the future
Tinder or a brothel can help you.
you could always use your mad ninja skillz too.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

'Tis a shame you didn't "Ask The Guys" because they might help you out. Pity. You "Asked The Gals" and they presumably aren't interested.