I got a job ...

I used to do a lot of finger painting until the until, Better Nails got better lights

I got a job in a hair salon, but they gave me the brush off

I used to be a cardiologist and was let go when they found out I was heartless

I used to be a dealer in Vegas but I kept getting carded

Once was a Traffic Cop, but quit because every day I got into a jam

I used to be a handywoman until they realized ai was a handful.

I used to be a builder but then I got shingles

I used to be a nurse, but my handwriting got so bad they made me a doctor.

I used to be a doctor, but they fired me for making sick jokes

I used to do stand-up, but it turned out it was just my face.

I wanted to repair bikes, but I was too tired

Interviewed for a manicurist position - nailed it!

I had to quit my job as a volcanologist because my eruptions were too disruptive to everyone around me