Bought you cookies.
Want a beer?
The football's on.
Bieber got shot.
My crap writing never lives to see the dawn. I wait until it is sound asleep in bed, unable to fight back as I tie it's hands and feet with black nylon cord. It struggles fiercely, bucking and kicking as I drag it down the stairs and bundle it into the trunk of my car. Every time I make that drive deep into the woods in the middle of the night, it takes a little bit longer.
I haul it out, bound and gagged, never able to escape it's fate. It's dragged roughly through the sparse foliage, and over the dank, mossy ground until we reach a small clearing in the trees. It watches me closely as I take my time digging a hole. Every glimmer of the cold moonlight that reflects off the head of the shovel, gleams in it's terrified eyes. It knows what's going to happen, it's happened before. Many times.
I watch the last remnants of hope fade from it's face, before slowly contorting into a sorrowful realisation of truth. It's going to die tonight, and nothing it can do can stop that. It lies down without a struggle as the cold, wet earth is piled onto of it's shivering form one shovel at a time, until only one desperate eye remains uncovered.
"Why do you make me do this to you?" I scream, my voice breaking as it echoes through the deserted night. "I gave you everything."
Those were the last words it ever heard.
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Liz
Gummi bears. That is all.
He's a cheeky chappy with a good taste in music.
1 - Both the script and novel are shockingly bad
They had to get Mark Bomback in to clean up Kelly Marcel's script for this movie, and he's got a shocking track record when it comes to character dialoguing, e.g. Total Recall, Live Free or Die Hard, ...
"Why is anyone the way they are? That's kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?"
"My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."
2 - Nobody wanted to play the male lead because he's so boring
First to turn it down was Ryan Gosling, shortly followed by Christian Cooke. Garett Hedlund said he "couldn't connect with the character," and he was the star of Tron: Legacy! That speaks volumes. Then Charlie Hunnam of 'Sons of Anarchy' dropped the role, so they finally settled for the guy who played the sheriff on one season of Once Upon a Time.
3 - It equates an abusive relationship with BDSM and Bondage
Christian Grey is a "cold-hearted predator with a dungeon filled with toys," and it's heavily implied that his predilection for bondage sex is a result of a mental disorder. The whole book/movie preserves the long-held misconception that people who enjoy BDSM are mentally unstable in some way, which is simply not true.
Most real people who enjoy that dynamic in a relationship are mentally healthy, and they tend to ease people new to the scene into things, rather than traumatize them with the more extreme practices. Grey messes up the most basic of bondage rules throughout the story. Cable ties are a bad idea! Even the most novice members of the community know not to use cables, because they can cut or bruise skin easily.
4 - Where's the fucking sex?!
The only thing that's going to stun people about this big screen adaptation is how little of the book's sex is actually in it. Watering it all down with naked bottoms and artistic pelvic thrusting in order to secure a commercially viable R rating, will do nothing for the success of this movie.
Despite the fact that the only reason people cared about this series in the first place was because of the Twilight element and graphic sexual content, the producers of Fifty Shades of Grey are insisting that what really got everyone's attention was the boring, yawn-inducing love story.
This is going to be the Hindenburg of date movies.
Congratulations, guys!
A quarter of a million people is one hell of an achievement.
