Active Ink Slinger
Fond doesn't begin to scratch the surface of how deep my feelings are for her
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ShamelessFlirt
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 155
United States
Forum
Active Ink Slinger
A blind man walks into a bar.
The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"
In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, our bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied: "No, not if I have to explain it five times."
The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"
In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, our bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied: "No, not if I have to explain it five times."
Active Ink Slinger
Since Sprite is above us all, I would use The Clash, London calling for her
Active Ink Slinger
I believe not enough people comport themselves with dignity and respect, thus making them big boobs. But people who interrupt serious debates about women's body parts with sarcasm are legitimately acting a little boobish.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Gillianleeeza
You can hang out over here with me. Ignore Coma and Tose. We can take turns sitting on Sprite's throne or take a turn on the dance pole. Things have changed a bit here.
I'll join Adi and have a Ginger Ale with some more umbrellas. I'll even let Adi have those 4.
Cheers Everyone!
Before you sit on the throne, you may wanna flush it.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by seeker4
Quiet in here, today. Hmm.
*slips behind bar, pulls self a pint, puts it on ShamelessFlirt's tab*
Dumb de dum. Nothing to see here.
*Settles down and starts drinking*
Hey Rump, in the interest of cultural exchange treat him to a Jersey Turnpike on me as well!
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by sprite
Guy who thinks he's funny: Why did the blond cross the road?
Blonde: *beats him senseless, stuffs him in a bus locker*
now THAT'S funny!
You didn't get any leads on that rocket-launcher did you? Or is that just your nickname for your strap-on?
Active Ink Slinger
One of my favorites ...
A blonde girl was complaining to her redhead friend about how her boyfriend would be perfect except for a really bad dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you just give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
A blonde girl was complaining to her redhead friend about how her boyfriend would be perfect except for a really bad dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you just give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
Active Ink Slinger
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Active Ink Slinger
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"
Active Ink Slinger
Granted. There's an eyedropper someplace in your house with a single droplet of rum contained in it which will evaporate in the next few minutes if you don't find it.
I wish I knew whenever I heard a lie.
I wish I knew whenever I heard a lie.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by sprite
i'm planning on getting stupidly drunk tonight. who's with me?
Sounds like a challenge lightweight.
Active Ink Slinger
Can we hold a cock-tail party? Am I spelling that right?
Active Ink Slinger
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by kiera
Will you hide because you can't abide the power of the dark side?
I'm sorry, reading this next to your AV I just can't stop laffing!
Active Ink Slinger
Will you use the force as the source of your next discourse?
Active Ink Slinger
Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but its payback time.There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smellit. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy-toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher, now let's make some real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
As ever,
.......Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything.
Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dreamhouses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms.Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken."Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken"(with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been underserved.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
.......Ken
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but its payback time.There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smellit. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy-toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher, now let's make some real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
As ever,
.......Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything.
Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dreamhouses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms.Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken."Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken"(with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been underserved.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
.......Ken
Active Ink Slinger
One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.
The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."
The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."
The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She only FAKES it with Ken."
The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."
The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."
The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She only FAKES it with Ken."
Active Ink Slinger
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by She
Something about programming syntax, I'm sure. I'd like to think it's about Python or Ruby or C, or something else useful, but it was probably about JavaScript...
On applications, under other languages you list "Java" and "C++" don't you?