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marcosurbina
Over 90 days ago
Male, 75
Mexico
Forum
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Down And Out
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home-cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home-cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
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Fortunately, this girl will like you, in two minutes, Rocco -Italian name.
Or a more decent white panty?
Or a more decent white panty?
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Perhaps the new tunnel will get flooded soon? The Get Away, Clint Eastwood, 1970
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No, thank you. No more beer
Well, at least, you do understand why
But... anyway...
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Oh, Nicola, they're jokes for fun. I've tried to support wives, instead. Of course I was divorced once, but you can tell a joke or story that reflects real facts in a funny way.
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Going To A Lecture
The man was too drunk to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The Truth Hurts
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending too much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of whiskies, then threw his down in one gulp.
His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!"
The man was too drunk to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The Truth Hurts
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending too much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of whiskies, then threw his down in one gulp.
His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!"
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Pam111 got mad after reading one of Marco's erotic stories
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She's waiting for the perfect man too
While I'm waiting for the perfect white panty
While I'm waiting for the perfect white panty
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Rocco, this isn't a joke and it isn't fake either. This is serious stuff. I'm catching my flight back to Yucatan tomorrow early in the morning. What do you suggest it might occurre an instance like the one on picture? Have you investigated what an Embraer is?
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He almost make it to the second floor -I mean, the elevator.
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Man size-toilet
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Man size-toilet
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Sperm Bank
One day a man was talking to his aunt and tells her she needs a job so she goes out and looks for one the next day. She calls up her nephew and tells him the news. He asks, “Where did you find a job at?”
She replies, “At a sperm bank.”
He says to his aunt, “Well what do you do there?”
She says, “I greet and say goodbye to the men.”
He says, “Well what do you say when they enter?”
She says, “Hello, please wait over here.”
He continues, “What do you say when they leave?”
She replies with honesty, “Thanks for cumming.”
One day a man was talking to his aunt and tells her she needs a job so she goes out and looks for one the next day. She calls up her nephew and tells him the news. He asks, “Where did you find a job at?”
She replies, “At a sperm bank.”
He says to his aunt, “Well what do you do there?”
She says, “I greet and say goodbye to the men.”
He says, “Well what do you say when they enter?”
She says, “Hello, please wait over here.”
He continues, “What do you say when they leave?”
She replies with honesty, “Thanks for cumming.”
Active Ink Slinger
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
%%%%%%%%%%%%
GOOD LOOKING BEER
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the curious bartender asks him, "Every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket, why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I'll go home."
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
%%%%%%%%%%%%
GOOD LOOKING BEER
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the curious bartender asks him, "Every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket, why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I'll go home."
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Well, I made a trip to Mexico D.F. yesterday. A two hours flight. I was expecting a Boeing 737 - 200 "Guppy" -I've heard "guppy". But I was dissappointed as I asked at ticket counter what plane would it be, when checking. She replied: "An Embraer". Quickly I tried to recall this name for a plane. Never seen one in my life.
Well, I was excited as I got in my window seat and it resembled an Airbus. I didn't know it was made in Brazil. Wonderful flight from Merida to Mexico D.F. yesterday! I am in Mexico City now!
Did you know anything about these two aircrafts, Rocco -Italian name?
Well, I was excited as I got in my window seat and it resembled an Airbus. I didn't know it was made in Brazil. Wonderful flight from Merida to Mexico D.F. yesterday! I am in Mexico City now!
Did you know anything about these two aircrafts, Rocco -Italian name?
Active Ink Slinger
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Active Ink Slinger
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed
XXXXXXXXXX
SLOW DRIVING HABITS
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
XXXXXXXXXXX
Drunk Jokes
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
XXXXXX
Only the first two ones are a classic to me. About the third one: the drunk made a mistake, I guess?
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed
XXXXXXXXXX
SLOW DRIVING HABITS
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
XXXXXXXXXXX
Drunk Jokes
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
XXXXXX
Only the first two ones are a classic to me. About the third one: the drunk made a mistake, I guess?
Active Ink Slinger
A joke, or possibly a parable that they tell at Alcoholics Anonymous.
Once there was a drunk, who fell into a deep hole and injured himself badly. As he lay in there, unable to find any way to get out, a priest passed by, and looked down the hole.
"Well, my son" said the priest. "You're in a fine pickle".
"I'm fucked, Father," answered the drunk.
"I shall pray for you," said the priest and went on his way.
A little while later a doctor passed along the road and looked inside the hole.
"Bloody hell," he said. "How badly does it hurt?"
"I'm fucked, Doctor" said the drunk.
"Right," said the doctor, and wrote him a prescription. He dropped it into the hole and went on his way.
Shortly after this, a man wandered down the road, looked in the hole, saw the drunk and jumped in. "Why d'ye do that?" demanded the drunk. "Now we're both fucked!"
"Yeah," said the man, "but I've been here before and iI know the way out."
Once there was a drunk, who fell into a deep hole and injured himself badly. As he lay in there, unable to find any way to get out, a priest passed by, and looked down the hole.
"Well, my son" said the priest. "You're in a fine pickle".
"I'm fucked, Father," answered the drunk.
"I shall pray for you," said the priest and went on his way.
A little while later a doctor passed along the road and looked inside the hole.
"Bloody hell," he said. "How badly does it hurt?"
"I'm fucked, Doctor" said the drunk.
"Right," said the doctor, and wrote him a prescription. He dropped it into the hole and went on his way.
Shortly after this, a man wandered down the road, looked in the hole, saw the drunk and jumped in. "Why d'ye do that?" demanded the drunk. "Now we're both fucked!"
"Yeah," said the man, "but I've been here before and iI know the way out."
Active Ink Slinger
You have a flat tire and don't have a real man around to change it for you. You are late for your hair dresser's or pedicure. How do you fix this problem while remaining an empowered women of the 21st century?
Having a flat tire in the middle of a route or on your way to an appointment can be a big problem if you do not know how to change it and have to wait for help, and therefore, it would be great if you can do it without having to wait for someone else. In order to change a tire you should make sure you have parked your car at the side of the road and following all the safety rules that correspond to the case. You must apply the parking brake and place the shift in first gear. Then, you should look for the spare tire, the lug wrench and the jack.
Once you have found all you need, you should start by taking off the hubcap of the tire you wish to remove. You should do this with the help of a screwdriver or the end of the lug wrench. Then you should loosen the lug nuts with only one turn, do not completely loosen them until you have lifted the car.
Next you should lift the car with the jack. You should lift the car until the tire you wish to change is some inches away from the ground. Then finish removing the lug nuts and remove the tire.
Ah, and don't forget to use a comfortable outfit, especially if it's too hot.
Having a flat tire in the middle of a route or on your way to an appointment can be a big problem if you do not know how to change it and have to wait for help, and therefore, it would be great if you can do it without having to wait for someone else. In order to change a tire you should make sure you have parked your car at the side of the road and following all the safety rules that correspond to the case. You must apply the parking brake and place the shift in first gear. Then, you should look for the spare tire, the lug wrench and the jack.
Once you have found all you need, you should start by taking off the hubcap of the tire you wish to remove. You should do this with the help of a screwdriver or the end of the lug wrench. Then you should loosen the lug nuts with only one turn, do not completely loosen them until you have lifted the car.
Next you should lift the car with the jack. You should lift the car until the tire you wish to change is some inches away from the ground. Then finish removing the lug nuts and remove the tire.
Ah, and don't forget to use a comfortable outfit, especially if it's too hot.
Active Ink Slinger
Well, it really does the job for the appropiate tool here.