Well, I mean... Maria Gonzalez
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marcosurbina
Over 90 days ago
Male, 75
Mexico
Forum
Active Ink Slinger
Money • Church
A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered:
"I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said:
"You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered:
"I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said:
"You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
Active Ink Slinger
An old joke of mine...
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Active Ink Slinger
Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
Active Ink Slinger
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut…
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb.
He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there. A while later, another drunken leaves the same bar and decides to take the same short cut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery.
The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him.
“You’ll never get out!”. He did.
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb.
He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there. A while later, another drunken leaves the same bar and decides to take the same short cut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery.
The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him.
“You’ll never get out!”. He did.
Active Ink Slinger
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked.
"I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said:
"Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked.
"I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said:
"Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
Active Ink Slinger
THE DRUNK
There are guys drinking in a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the guys, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts, "I've screwed your mom!"
The three guys look bewildered as man resumes drinking at the bar.
Ten minutes later he comes back. "Your mom's sucked my pecker!"
Same thing happens. Ten minutes later he announces, "I've had your mom up the ass!"
The young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, "Look, Dad, you're drunk, go home!"
There are guys drinking in a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the guys, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts, "I've screwed your mom!"
The three guys look bewildered as man resumes drinking at the bar.
Ten minutes later he comes back. "Your mom's sucked my pecker!"
Same thing happens. Ten minutes later he announces, "I've had your mom up the ass!"
The young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, "Look, Dad, you're drunk, go home!"
Active Ink Slinger
A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to him and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?”
Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”
“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.”
Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”
“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.”
Active Ink Slinger
Bottle Bond
An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.
The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."
"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.
"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."
Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.
"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."
Was going to say damn, its empty, but then I realised it was a blend, so never mind.
An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.
The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."
"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.
"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."
Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.
"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."
Was going to say damn, its empty, but then I realised it was a blend, so never mind.
Active Ink Slinger
What should they say?
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked:
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
%%%%%%%%%%
I am sure you wouldn't mind a trip to that particular heaven right now LOL.
Remember that TV movie series from the 70's refferred to as: Highway to Heaven? Rocco should ride a Greyhound to meet Techgoddess Heaven -Heaven is her last name.
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked:
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
%%%%%%%%%%
I am sure you wouldn't mind a trip to that particular heaven right now LOL.
Remember that TV movie series from the 70's refferred to as: Highway to Heaven? Rocco should ride a Greyhound to meet Techgoddess Heaven -Heaven is her last name.
Active Ink Slinger
Heaven
An old preacher was about to die. He called two members of his congregation to be with him in his final hours- an IRS auditor and a lawyer. The men were proud to have been chosen for this honor. The two men sat awhile, one on each side of the bed, with the preacher. The preacher was quiet, but contented. Finally, the IRS auditor asked the preacher why he chose them to be with him. The preacher replied:
"Well, when Jesus died, he was placed between two thieves and that is how I wanted to leave this world, too."
&&&&&
Rocco's heaven is... techgoddess, deffinitely.
An old preacher was about to die. He called two members of his congregation to be with him in his final hours- an IRS auditor and a lawyer. The men were proud to have been chosen for this honor. The two men sat awhile, one on each side of the bed, with the preacher. The preacher was quiet, but contented. Finally, the IRS auditor asked the preacher why he chose them to be with him. The preacher replied:
"Well, when Jesus died, he was placed between two thieves and that is how I wanted to leave this world, too."
&&&&&
Rocco's heaven is... techgoddess, deffinitely.
Active Ink Slinger
A preacher goes into a bar and says:
"Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says:
"My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
%%%%%
Well, rocco, Don't you have Heavens in New York? Hell, we have it in Caracas -Spanish.
"Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says:
"My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
%%%%%
Well, rocco, Don't you have Heavens in New York? Hell, we have it in Caracas -Spanish.
Active Ink Slinger
Two Mexican guys decide to go accross the U.S border illegaly to find a job here -american dream. Soon, they start working at some NASA facilities -Houston Space Center- as gardeners.
They kept grass well trimmed around these facilities , until one day spot a bottle which they suspected to contain tequila, but on the contrary, it contained rocket fuel and mistakenly drunk it.
Two months after that, one co-worker gets an overseas collect call, and this was the conversation:
Juan: "Hi, Pedro. I wanna ask you a question.
Pedro: "Yeah, what is it?"
Juan: "Have you fart lately, or you have had this kind of problem these days?
Pedro: "Well... uh. The answer is no. Negative. But, why do you ask?
Juan: "Well, don't you even think on that, least dare to. I'm calling you from South America.
They kept grass well trimmed around these facilities , until one day spot a bottle which they suspected to contain tequila, but on the contrary, it contained rocket fuel and mistakenly drunk it.
Two months after that, one co-worker gets an overseas collect call, and this was the conversation:
Juan: "Hi, Pedro. I wanna ask you a question.
Pedro: "Yeah, what is it?"
Juan: "Have you fart lately, or you have had this kind of problem these days?
Pedro: "Well... uh. The answer is no. Negative. But, why do you ask?
Juan: "Well, don't you even think on that, least dare to. I'm calling you from South America.
Active Ink Slinger
Lots of Phone Calls
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
%%%%%%%%%%%
Golden Urinals
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
%%%%%%%%%%%
Golden Urinals
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!
Active Ink Slinger
Well, Rocco -Italian name. I wrote this one myself, but here is another one I found in the web.
%%%%%%%%5
Wrong Bus
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
%%%%%%%%5
Wrong Bus
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Active Ink Slinger
The Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%
Car Thieves
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%
Car Thieves
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Active Ink Slinger
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the blonde’s attention, and she sees no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The bonde doesn't say a word, but reaches into her wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The lawyer looks up at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $100. The blonde politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The lawyer, more than a little miffed, shakes the blonde and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her wallet, hands the lawyer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the blonde’s attention, and she sees no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The bonde doesn't say a word, but reaches into her wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The lawyer looks up at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $100. The blonde politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The lawyer, more than a little miffed, shakes the blonde and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her wallet, hands the lawyer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
Active Ink Slinger
A drunk had just got on a bus and sits there, next to a Jehova's witness. This guy warns, adressing to the drunk:
"You're going right to hell"
The drunk replies surprised: "Oh, shit! I'm riding the wrong bus again!"
"You're going right to hell"
The drunk replies surprised: "Oh, shit! I'm riding the wrong bus again!"
Active Ink Slinger
This one is wonderful, I had read it in the web a long time ago, though.
Active Ink Slinger
Take Careful Aim
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%
Could you guess where exactly would the man's dick be? Let me tip you: someplace around the woman's head.
"Anybody wishing to become a truly champion, should be a self-possessed candidate, and to hope firmly, despite nobody is willing to support him / her."
Sugar Ray Robinson
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%
Could you guess where exactly would the man's dick be? Let me tip you: someplace around the woman's head.
"Anybody wishing to become a truly champion, should be a self-possessed candidate, and to hope firmly, despite nobody is willing to support him / her."
Sugar Ray Robinson
Active Ink Slinger
Oh, yes, a debate over verbs come and screw. Lot's of misunderstanding, ja, ja! Like this one that took place between these two guys. Please read.
%%%%%%%%%%%
Biggest Hard-on
Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.
In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him:
"Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and I've got to get to her NOW!"
The other guy says, "O.K. Do you want me to come with you?"
"What the hell for?" asks the other.
"Because that's MY dick you're holding!" he says.
%%%%%%%%%%%
Biggest Hard-on
Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.
In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him:
"Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and I've got to get to her NOW!"
The other guy says, "O.K. Do you want me to come with you?"
"What the hell for?" asks the other.
"Because that's MY dick you're holding!" he says.
Active Ink Slinger
101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog."
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Drum on every available surface.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Back to the Honeymoon
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
...and they made love than never before
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog."
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Drum on every available surface.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Back to the Honeymoon
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
...and they made love than never before
Active Ink Slinger
Yeah, no problem: I do understand, cum, come, but I'm using it ironically.
Active Ink Slinger
Why is the verb "to come" used so extensibly? Actually, this Mr in the cartoon is not coming. He's been in his office a long time now.
