This man is all right!
Join the best erotica focused adult social network now
Login
marcosurbina
Over 90 days ago
Male, 75
Mexico
Forum
Active Ink Slinger
It means women are necessary to our lives? I think they are. They behave mysteriously!
Women are not difficult to get at: they're mysterious, and this is the rule.
Women are not difficult to get at: they're mysterious, and this is the rule.
Active Ink Slinger
Since I can´t afford to buy a limo, I´ve put together all my trucks to make one.
Active Ink Slinger
1. A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots two houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What´s up with your neighbors?" And the owner of the house says "Oh, that´s the Robinson´s, they´re both deaf. She´s telling him to go milk the cow and he´s telling her to fuck herself!"
%%%%%%%%%%%
2. Hand Job
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he´s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under he skirt and she stops him, saying she´s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I´m not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I´ve never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods. "Well, it´s just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabas hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What´s wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What´s up with your neighbors?" And the owner of the house says "Oh, that´s the Robinson´s, they´re both deaf. She´s telling him to go milk the cow and he´s telling her to fuck herself!"
%%%%%%%%%%%
2. Hand Job
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he´s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under he skirt and she stops him, saying she´s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I´m not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I´ve never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods. "Well, it´s just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabas hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What´s wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
Active Ink Slinger
1. Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her." "She was a rotten old thing from the beginning." "Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."
"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."
"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time." "I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway." "The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
&&&&&
2. Three Nuns and a Parrot
Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all. When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''
%%%%%%%%
3. That's Meaty
A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager, "Where's John?" The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his dick in the meat slicer" Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?" The butcher then replied, "I fired her too."
%%%%%%
4. Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?
A: Your jeans fit like a glove.
%%%%
5. Lay off
A company boss has to decide who to lay someone off. He decides on two low level management employees Jack or Karen. He goes to Karen and says, "I will have to lay you or Jack off."
%%%%%%%
Nº 1, 2, and 5 are classics. But 3 was pretty new to me as began to read: never hard of it before.
Old dilapidated boat
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her." "She was a rotten old thing from the beginning." "Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."
"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."
"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time." "I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway." "The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
&&&&&
2. Three Nuns and a Parrot
Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all. When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''
%%%%%%%%
3. That's Meaty
A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager, "Where's John?" The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his dick in the meat slicer" Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?" The butcher then replied, "I fired her too."
%%%%%%
4. Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?
A: Your jeans fit like a glove.
%%%%
5. Lay off
A company boss has to decide who to lay someone off. He decides on two low level management employees Jack or Karen. He goes to Karen and says, "I will have to lay you or Jack off."
%%%%%%%
Nº 1, 2, and 5 are classics. But 3 was pretty new to me as began to read: never hard of it before.
Old dilapidated boat
Active Ink Slinger
The guy should have a more imagination content that would turn him quick, so he'll have a hard on, too necessary here!
Active Ink Slinger
1. At The Donation Clinic
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%
2. Secret Dietary Tips
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock. The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Which do you think would be a better joke, N° 1, or N° 2? What impeded the woman from talking? Probably she had found a better way.
This huge bucket is intended for...
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%
2. Secret Dietary Tips
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock. The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Which do you think would be a better joke, N° 1, or N° 2? What impeded the woman from talking? Probably she had found a better way.
This huge bucket is intended for...
Active Ink Slinger
At first picture, she's an easy make, dating many guys in an orgy meet?
Active Ink Slinger
1. I'm Moving Out
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
&&&&&&&&&
2. The Sexy Secretary
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
3. The ugly kid
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.". Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
At N° 1 it's obvious this man had made love to his wife only a few times! less than average. At N° 2, she behaved inocently, no knowing his couple was cheating her, or she just played revenge? At N° 3, she seemed to find the right answer, meaning she had quit the bussiness and no longer cheated him. Oh, techgoddess, do you share my opinion?
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
&&&&&&&&&
2. The Sexy Secretary
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
3. The ugly kid
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.". Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
At N° 1 it's obvious this man had made love to his wife only a few times! less than average. At N° 2, she behaved inocently, no knowing his couple was cheating her, or she just played revenge? At N° 3, she seemed to find the right answer, meaning she had quit the bussiness and no longer cheated him. Oh, techgoddess, do you share my opinion?
Active Ink Slinger
1. Med Examination
A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.
"Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor.
"Many times," she giggles, "but never by doctor!"
&&&&&
2. Don't Cut
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.
The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this disease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D
Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this disease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"
&&&&&
3. Q: Why are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you always lose your house.
&&&&
4. Royal Penis Comparison
The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.
The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"
The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"
Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"
A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.
"Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor.
"Many times," she giggles, "but never by doctor!"
&&&&&
2. Don't Cut
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.
The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this disease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D
Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this disease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"
&&&&&
3. Q: Why are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you always lose your house.
&&&&
4. Royal Penis Comparison
The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.
The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"
The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"
Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"
Active Ink Slinger
Yeah. Once read that posted in Spanish. As I began to read I figured out it was this particular joke.
Active Ink Slinger
1. You Have The Brakes
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
%%%%%
2. One night a man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful women sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and asked "how much is it for a hand job?" The women replied "$500 sir"
"$500! That's a lot of money are you any good?" "Well sir you see that car out there?" The women pointed to a sleek black Dodge Viper. "Yes," said the man. "Well, I paid for that car with all the money I made doing hand jobs", with that statement the man agreed to the service.
The next night the same man walked into the same bar and went up to the same beautiful women and asked "Miss, do you do blow jobs?"
"Why yes I do, it costs $800"
"$800 Wow!, are they any good because that's a lot of money."
"Well you see that building out there?"
The woman pointed to a company office building.
"Yes" said the man.
"Well, I paid for that company with all the money I've made doing blow jobs!" the man agreed and the women did the service.
The very next night the same man walked into the same bar and went to the same beautiful woman at the bar and asked "Miss would you have sex with me?" To which the woman replied, "You see that island out there?" The woman pointed to Manhattan Island, the man said "don't tell me, you paid for that island with the money you made by having sex with people?" "No, but I could have bought that island with the money I made by having sex with men if I had a vagina!"
%%%%
"Happiness is sometimes compared to a perfume that you can spray over people and unavoidable drops of fragance will inevitable fall on yourself."
Marcos Urbina
"But... what are you doing?"
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
%%%%%
2. One night a man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful women sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and asked "how much is it for a hand job?" The women replied "$500 sir"
"$500! That's a lot of money are you any good?" "Well sir you see that car out there?" The women pointed to a sleek black Dodge Viper. "Yes," said the man. "Well, I paid for that car with all the money I made doing hand jobs", with that statement the man agreed to the service.
The next night the same man walked into the same bar and went up to the same beautiful women and asked "Miss, do you do blow jobs?"
"Why yes I do, it costs $800"
"$800 Wow!, are they any good because that's a lot of money."
"Well you see that building out there?"
The woman pointed to a company office building.
"Yes" said the man.
"Well, I paid for that company with all the money I've made doing blow jobs!" the man agreed and the women did the service.
The very next night the same man walked into the same bar and went to the same beautiful woman at the bar and asked "Miss would you have sex with me?" To which the woman replied, "You see that island out there?" The woman pointed to Manhattan Island, the man said "don't tell me, you paid for that island with the money you made by having sex with people?" "No, but I could have bought that island with the money I made by having sex with men if I had a vagina!"
%%%%
"Happiness is sometimes compared to a perfume that you can spray over people and unavoidable drops of fragance will inevitable fall on yourself."
Marcos Urbina
"But... what are you doing?"
Active Ink Slinger
Indefinitely
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class. But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says:
"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class. But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says:
"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!
Active Ink Slinger
1. A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied.
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.
Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says.
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
%%%%
2. Three Stupid Wives
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. ''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''
%%%%
3. Two Black Eyes
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked. "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
%%%%
4. An airline's passenger cabin was being ...
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, sophisticated woman hadn't moved. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a Queen, so . TRAY UP BIZNATCH!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Well, I knew all of these but N° 1. I've known about them since four yeas ago now. Whgat about you? Any classics? My favorite here is N° 1, again.
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied.
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.
Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says.
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
%%%%
2. Three Stupid Wives
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. ''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''
%%%%
3. Two Black Eyes
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked. "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
%%%%
4. An airline's passenger cabin was being ...
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, sophisticated woman hadn't moved. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a Queen, so . TRAY UP BIZNATCH!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Well, I knew all of these but N° 1. I've known about them since four yeas ago now. Whgat about you? Any classics? My favorite here is N° 1, again.
Active Ink Slinger
Naughty photo
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Naughty photo
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Naughty photo
Active Ink Slinger
1. Less Sex
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"
&&&&&&&&&
2. Help me Doc (She has a nose problem, can't smell?)
Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!
Woman (angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
Doctor: I didn't! I didn't!
%%%%%%%
A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."
The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation."
She asks, "On my vagina?"
He says, "No. On your nose!"
%%%%%%%
3. Money for panites
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest hands the lady $1 and says...
"Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
&&&&
At Nº 3, too hairy, or wasn't it more important to purchase panties? What first probably had caught priest's attention? (my personal opinion)
Oh, another stuff here: probably the woman had wished to get to a vending machines for quick adquisition. Panty Vending Machine - New or Used?
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"
&&&&&&&&&
2. Help me Doc (She has a nose problem, can't smell?)
Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!
Woman (angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
Doctor: I didn't! I didn't!
%%%%%%%
A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."
The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation."
She asks, "On my vagina?"
He says, "No. On your nose!"
%%%%%%%
3. Money for panites
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest hands the lady $1 and says...
"Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
&&&&
At Nº 3, too hairy, or wasn't it more important to purchase panties? What first probably had caught priest's attention? (my personal opinion)
Oh, another stuff here: probably the woman had wished to get to a vending machines for quick adquisition. Panty Vending Machine - New or Used?
Active Ink Slinger
Chinese Goer
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.
%%%%%%%%%%
Happy Happy
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart. She looked up and said: "Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
&&&&&&&
Second one is so good. I had never heard of this one. First one, yes, a classic.
"Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.
%%%%%%%%%%
Happy Happy
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart. She looked up and said: "Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
&&&&&&&
Second one is so good. I had never heard of this one. First one, yes, a classic.
"Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
Active Ink Slinger
Yeah, Rocco, the Alitalia joke. Had sent it to me before. Thank you.
Active Ink Slinger
Rocco is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.
Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Rocco seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Rocco, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Rocco replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, How do you like them?
Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers!, " Yes, Rocco, I do , but how do you know that.
He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Rocco asks Carmella to dance.
Mid way through the dance his face turns red. He says "Carmella, still my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tell me this true,"
Carmella answers, " Yes, Yes Rocco, I wear no panties tonight."
Rocco gasps and says, "Thank God... thought I had a crack in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
%%%%%%%%%%
Wanna buy this, Rocco? See advertisement below:
MARCO BOCELLI BLACK SUEDE SHOES WITH TAN PATENT TRIM, LEATHER LACES. MEDIUM HEIGHT, FINE HEEL. STYLED IN ITALY. SIZE 9. ONLY WORN ONCE SO IN AS NEW CONDITION.
Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Rocco seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Rocco, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Rocco replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, How do you like them?
Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers!, " Yes, Rocco, I do , but how do you know that.
He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Rocco asks Carmella to dance.
Mid way through the dance his face turns red. He says "Carmella, still my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tell me this true,"
Carmella answers, " Yes, Yes Rocco, I wear no panties tonight."
Rocco gasps and says, "Thank God... thought I had a crack in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
%%%%%%%%%%
Wanna buy this, Rocco? See advertisement below:
MARCO BOCELLI BLACK SUEDE SHOES WITH TAN PATENT TRIM, LEATHER LACES. MEDIUM HEIGHT, FINE HEEL. STYLED IN ITALY. SIZE 9. ONLY WORN ONCE SO IN AS NEW CONDITION.
Active Ink Slinger
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him why he is knocking so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
&&&&&&&&&&&
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Imma just tellun my afriend howa to spella Mississippi."
%%%%%%
Oh, Mr Rocco, are all these words frequently mispronounced by native Italians?
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
&&&&&&&&&&&
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Imma just tellun my afriend howa to spella Mississippi."
%%%%%%
Oh, Mr Rocco, are all these words frequently mispronounced by native Italians?
Active Ink Slinger
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Well, it's already been four years since I first read this joke, along with the "Golf Rules" posted earlier.
Happy New Year, techgoddess.
%%%%%%
Pleasing a woman
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads:
"All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
&&&&&
Second one, a classic, as Rocco -Italian name- states, but too true about women!
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Well, it's already been four years since I first read this joke, along with the "Golf Rules" posted earlier.
Happy New Year, techgoddess.
%%%%%%
Pleasing a woman
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads:
"All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
&&&&&
Second one, a classic, as Rocco -Italian name- states, but too true about women!
Active Ink Slinger
Bedroom Golf
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
* When the round is over, turn in your score card with your phone number. The course management will contact you for another tee time.
* The golf pro is available by appointment, for private lessons.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
&&&&&&&
Well, Techgoddess, Rocco, Batman... Lush, this is the rule I feel more adapted to:
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
Also this one rule: * Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
Which rule are you more comfortable with? Which more uncomfortable?
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
* When the round is over, turn in your score card with your phone number. The course management will contact you for another tee time.
* The golf pro is available by appointment, for private lessons.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
&&&&&&&
Well, Techgoddess, Rocco, Batman... Lush, this is the rule I feel more adapted to:
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
Also this one rule: * Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
Which rule are you more comfortable with? Which more uncomfortable?
Active Ink Slinger
APARTMENT FOR RENT:
A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl to spend the night with him. She agreed to do so for $500. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but that he would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "rent for an apartment."
On the way to the office, he decided that the whole thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear madam:
Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount I agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression:
1. That it had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. That it was small.
Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear sir:
I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on. As for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture to fill it.
%%%%%%%
Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob". She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
&&&&&&&&
Ok, I once read first one is Spanish. The second one is a classic.
A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl to spend the night with him. She agreed to do so for $500. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but that he would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "rent for an apartment."
On the way to the office, he decided that the whole thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear madam:
Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount I agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression:
1. That it had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. That it was small.
Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear sir:
I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on. As for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture to fill it.
%%%%%%%
Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob". She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
&&&&&&&&
Ok, I once read first one is Spanish. The second one is a classic.
Active Ink Slinger
Well, I got that. "Bang kok." Means: to bang his ... I'm I right?
Active Ink Slinger
1. A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench crying. The police drive by and see him. They stop to see what is wrong.
Police: "What's wrong?"
Elderly Man: "I'm married to a twenty year old woman." (continues to cry)
Police: "Sir, that's nothing to cry about, you should be happy."
Elderly man: "You don't understand... (tears continue to flow). She wants to have sex every morning and sex every evening." (Crying becomes more intense).
Police: "That's every man's dream. So why are you crying?" Elderly man: (Crying becomes uncontrollable) "I can't find my way home!!!"
%%%%%%%%
2. An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, " !" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
&&&&&&&
3. A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
%%%%%%%
4. One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."
&&&&&
Ok, I did know about all of these but Nº 2. If I got that right, I suppose she is holding steady to keep balance on the saddle, grabbing the indian's manhood firmly. Is that correct, rocco? Oh, this is the Staten Island Ferry!
Police: "What's wrong?"
Elderly Man: "I'm married to a twenty year old woman." (continues to cry)
Police: "Sir, that's nothing to cry about, you should be happy."
Elderly man: "You don't understand... (tears continue to flow). She wants to have sex every morning and sex every evening." (Crying becomes more intense).
Police: "That's every man's dream. So why are you crying?" Elderly man: (Crying becomes uncontrollable) "I can't find my way home!!!"
%%%%%%%%
2. An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, " !" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
&&&&&&&
3. A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
%%%%%%%
4. One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."
&&&&&
Ok, I did know about all of these but Nº 2. If I got that right, I suppose she is holding steady to keep balance on the saddle, grabbing the indian's manhood firmly. Is that correct, rocco? Oh, this is the Staten Island Ferry!
Active Ink Slinger
So you think your life is bad... Just think how bad the life of an egg is...
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
It takes two minutes to get soft.
You have to share a place with eleven other guys.
And the only chick to sit on your face was your mom.
&&&&&&
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
It takes two minutes to get soft.
You have to share a place with eleven other guys.
And the only chick to sit on your face was your mom.
&&&&&&
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by ASubtlepassion
They are both great. I'll pick the second one.
Watch this, subtlepassion: it's a classic, but I never got interested in this one... probably I wasn't paying too much of attention. I think it's a wonderful one as you figure out how long the route would be this way. Still a long way to go. This is the joke I'm talking about:
Two sperm were madly wiggling their way along when one sperm says to the other sperm, "I'm exhausted!"
"Yeah, me too!"
"Are we near the uterus yet?"
"What, are you kidding me? We have a long way to go. We're not even through the esophagus!"
Active Ink Slinger
The cops raided the local brothel and had all of the girls standing in linewaiting to enter the paddy wagon. A little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what the line was for. The girl sarcastically stated that they were handing out lollipops. The little old lady, having missed the sarcasm, liked the idea of getting free lollipops, so she got in line, too.
When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?"
She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them."
%%%%%%%%%%
Ok, do this one seem a classical to you, rocco?
When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?"
She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them."
%%%%%%%%%%
Ok, do this one seem a classical to you, rocco?