Active Ink Slinger
Streets under reconstruction in my town. They are remaking them ... now. I live here, boys. It's downtown here.
Join the best erotica focused adult social network now
Login
marcosurbina
Over 90 days ago
Male, 75
Mexico
Forum
Active Ink Slinger
1. “I believe in having sex on a first date,” confessed Betty.
“That’s very modern thinking for an eighty year old,” replied her young friend.
“Well, when you’re dating eighty year old men you can never be quite sure of getting a second date.”
%%%%%%%%%%%%
2. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
&&&&&&&&&&&&
3. A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
%%%%%%%
Mr Rocco -italian name. First one is new to me. Number 2 has been changed: all these events take place... in an elevator, as I knew it. What do you think?
“That’s very modern thinking for an eighty year old,” replied her young friend.
“Well, when you’re dating eighty year old men you can never be quite sure of getting a second date.”
%%%%%%%%%%%%
2. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
&&&&&&&&&&&&
3. A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
%%%%%%%
Mr Rocco -italian name. First one is new to me. Number 2 has been changed: all these events take place... in an elevator, as I knew it. What do you think?
Active Ink Slinger
Oh, yes, this joke has been around in the web for many years now, but it's still good!
Active Ink Slinger
1. The Vibrator - A lesbian joke
A lesbian walks into a sex toy store and asks where the vibrators are. "Come this way," the cute woman behind the counter says, gesturing with her finger.
"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the vibrator, would I?" the woman responds.
%%%%%%%%%
2. A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?"
The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."
&&&&&&&&
3. A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
%%%%%%%
4. A man and a woman are on a plane next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
&&&&&&&&&
5. An 80-year-old man was having his annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Uh oh!" The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No," replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "As a matter of fact, I do!" "Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your of sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man asked, "Which half, the LOOKING or the THINKING?"
&&&&&
Well, 1, 2, 4 and 5 are new for me. What about you? Number 4 is an oldie, but the passenger with the rare condition being changed to a male now, is new to me as compared to the first time I read it. Is Rocco new to these ones?
A lesbian walks into a sex toy store and asks where the vibrators are. "Come this way," the cute woman behind the counter says, gesturing with her finger.
"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the vibrator, would I?" the woman responds.
%%%%%%%%%
2. A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?"
The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."
&&&&&&&&
3. A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
%%%%%%%
4. A man and a woman are on a plane next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
&&&&&&&&&
5. An 80-year-old man was having his annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Uh oh!" The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No," replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "As a matter of fact, I do!" "Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your of sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man asked, "Which half, the LOOKING or the THINKING?"
&&&&&
Well, 1, 2, 4 and 5 are new for me. What about you? Number 4 is an oldie, but the passenger with the rare condition being changed to a male now, is new to me as compared to the first time I read it. Is Rocco new to these ones?
Active Ink Slinger
1. Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what those things on your chest?" Unsure how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" Johnny replies, "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming!"
&&&&&&&&
2. A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
%%%
Ok, buddies: number one, or number two is the best? I like number 2 best.
A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" Johnny replies, "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming!"
&&&&&&&&
2. A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
%%%
Ok, buddies: number one, or number two is the best? I like number 2 best.
Active Ink Slinger
Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.
DOCTOR VISIT
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wanted to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, but I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she stated unhappily.
"I'm sure we can solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
WHO'S THIS OTHER GUY
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a picture of another man.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, no," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
FIRMING THINGS UP
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was too much for a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman . . . and your brother!
NAMING DISASTERS AFTER WOMEN
Q: Why do they give female names to natural disasters?
A: When they come on to you, they are all wet and wild. When they leave, your house is gone, your car is gone, your dog is gone...
MARRIED SEX LIFE
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life. "You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.
"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language."Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."
A. About three inches.
DOCTOR VISIT
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wanted to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, but I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she stated unhappily.
"I'm sure we can solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
WHO'S THIS OTHER GUY
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a picture of another man.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, no," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
FIRMING THINGS UP
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was too much for a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman . . . and your brother!
NAMING DISASTERS AFTER WOMEN
Q: Why do they give female names to natural disasters?
A: When they come on to you, they are all wet and wild. When they leave, your house is gone, your car is gone, your dog is gone...
MARRIED SEX LIFE
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life. "You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.
"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language."Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."
Active Ink Slinger
PLEASING A WOMAN
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Active Ink Slinger
Well, the pilot had said: three parachutes. The smartest man in the world didn't know this pilot had already used one! Not so quick, smartest man!
Active Ink Slinger
They've told this one a lot of times in Spanish, but generally they use three people on board. I recall one with a politician: too funny.
Active Ink Slinger
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
%%%%%%%
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU."
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
%%%%%%%
DO YOU GET THIS? WELL I DO. COME ON AND READ, BOYS! FIFTY CENTS! THAT'S TOO MUCH LABOUR FOR THE AVERAGE VAGINA!
A MATTER OF MEASURES:
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by. So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
&&&&&&&&&
AN INNOCENT ENOUGH ENQUIRY
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
%%%%
Well, buddies, out of these, I only knew about the pianist joke. What about you? Familiar with these ones. Thank you.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
%%%%%%%
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU."
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
%%%%%%%
DO YOU GET THIS? WELL I DO. COME ON AND READ, BOYS! FIFTY CENTS! THAT'S TOO MUCH LABOUR FOR THE AVERAGE VAGINA!
A MATTER OF MEASURES:
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by. So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
&&&&&&&&&
AN INNOCENT ENOUGH ENQUIRY
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
%%%%
Well, buddies, out of these, I only knew about the pianist joke. What about you? Familiar with these ones. Thank you.
Active Ink Slinger
Probably the smatest man's backpack was too worn out, or the hippie would be in such a hurry?
Active Ink Slinger
That little shit will get harder. Well, she was talking about her husband's penis... not real excrement.
Active Ink Slinger
Oh, my God. What in the hell...? it's made of pure glass. How she dared to do this? too dangerous indeed!
Active Ink Slinger
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
%%%%%%%%%
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
%%%%%%%%%
Active Ink Slinger
GIRLS NIGHT OUT
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WELL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
SPANISH INMIGRANTS?
Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?"
"No," says Carlos.
Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?"
"No," says Carlos.
"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?"
"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied.
"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?"
%%%%%%%%%%
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WELL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
SPANISH INMIGRANTS?
Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?"
"No," says Carlos.
Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?"
"No," says Carlos.
"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?"
"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied.
"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?"
%%%%%%%%%%
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
Active Ink Slinger
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have... meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have... meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."
Active Ink Slinger
Old People
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabels ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabels ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Active Ink Slinger
PERFECT HEADACHE CURE
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."
UNABLE TO PERFORM
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to Perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise For as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely satisfied, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down".
But be warned, "IT will not rise again for another whole year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has got a massive stiffy, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks:
"What did you say '123' for?"
My favorite: UNABLE TO PERFORM. Gotta understand this one!
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."
UNABLE TO PERFORM
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to Perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise For as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely satisfied, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down".
But be warned, "IT will not rise again for another whole year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has got a massive stiffy, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks:
"What did you say '123' for?"
My favorite: UNABLE TO PERFORM. Gotta understand this one!
Active Ink Slinger
BATTLE FOR CUSTODY
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
SPERM BANK ROBBERY
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says
%%%
Ok, could you please cast your vote here? BATTLE FOR CUSTUDY, or SPERM BANK ROBBERY are your favorites?
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
SPERM BANK ROBBERY
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says
%%%
Ok, could you please cast your vote here? BATTLE FOR CUSTUDY, or SPERM BANK ROBBERY are your favorites?
Active Ink Slinger
No, Mr Rocco -italian name. Probably you saw my picture here. I love white shirts and wearing ties. I'm an English teacher at the local college. No one in the staff wears ever a white shirt or tie: too hot the weather here, and classrooms aren't fit with air conditioning. Everybody says: -Oh, you look like the bus driver!
Probably heard of these ones before?
THE EXAMINATION
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. The Doctor said, "Get undressed.
Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table." She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
" Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear!"
%%%%%
A couple went to a nudist beach on a certain day to relax, laying there in the sand. She, completely naked, was reading a book, as suddenly a bee got into her vagina. The husband quickly took her to hospital, and inmediately a doctor, who was black, sent them into the office.
As the woman was on the examining table, the black doctor asked her to spread her legs wide. He said:
"Oh, we have a pretty difficult situation here. This stuff is too bad. The bee has gone too far inside you. But if your hausband grants permission, I might add some honey to the tip of my penis, and introduce it slowly to the entrance so atract -draw- the bee out.
The husband says, yes, of course, no problem. You just go ahead, doctor.
The doctor begins to push his dick into the woman's cunt, but out of the sudden, he starts stroking her, to bang her as hell!!
The spouse complains in loudly:
"Hey, but... what do you think you're doing?!!
The doctor says, gasping for air:
"This bee won't come out. I'm gonna drown the bastard!
Probably heard of these ones before?
THE EXAMINATION
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. The Doctor said, "Get undressed.
Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table." She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
" Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear!"
%%%%%
A couple went to a nudist beach on a certain day to relax, laying there in the sand. She, completely naked, was reading a book, as suddenly a bee got into her vagina. The husband quickly took her to hospital, and inmediately a doctor, who was black, sent them into the office.
As the woman was on the examining table, the black doctor asked her to spread her legs wide. He said:
"Oh, we have a pretty difficult situation here. This stuff is too bad. The bee has gone too far inside you. But if your hausband grants permission, I might add some honey to the tip of my penis, and introduce it slowly to the entrance so atract -draw- the bee out.
The husband says, yes, of course, no problem. You just go ahead, doctor.
The doctor begins to push his dick into the woman's cunt, but out of the sudden, he starts stroking her, to bang her as hell!!
The spouse complains in loudly:
"Hey, but... what do you think you're doing?!!
The doctor says, gasping for air:
"This bee won't come out. I'm gonna drown the bastard!
Active Ink Slinger
KISS ME, DOCTOR
Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.
Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f***ing you.
AFFAIR WITH DENTIST
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
DEATH DURING SEX
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.
Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f***ing you.
AFFAIR WITH DENTIST
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
DEATH DURING SEX
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
Active Ink Slinger
"I could take all night to unlace that one. With my teeth." Oh, BATMAN, you wouldn't have to work it out with this venezuelan girl!
Active Ink Slinger
To Mr Rocco -italian name. Which of these fits better with you?
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.