A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.
The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted ....
week, both ways."
Mom fainted ....
Sure Santa had a hard on here as he got too turned on by the blonde!
YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
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Anyone to miss this one joke? If any, please you say why.
A Job for Momma
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria",
says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay
here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.
The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".
The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"
When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"
The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."
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My son has gonorrea
"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife now has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
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Ok, well here: a job for mama is my favorite, don't you think, buddies?
Well, I just learned about this one today.
# 1 There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
# 2 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
# 3 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you? "the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
# 4 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Ok. how did you like any of these?
Art in the eye of a needle? Just as impossible!!
A too difficult recipe with guidelines or instructions to folow?
Thank you boys and girls. I've known about these ones since time back. I wish you weren't familiar at least with one. Ok, here we go...
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
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A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
THE BIG HOSE RACE
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosum is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.
Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.
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My horse Clean Sheets never had a chance, ja, ja!
Well, my favorite one here is NAUGHTY NUNS. Great! Let's get to it now:
Naughty Nuns
Two nuns were climbing the convent wall after an illicit night out on the town.
One says to the other "This makes me feel like one of those Navy Seals"
The other replies "Me too, but where the fuck will we find one at this time of night?"
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One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.
Q. What's the difference between medium and rare?
A. 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.
Q. What's the the definition of a vagina?
A. The box a penis comes in.
Sleep Over
A guy walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I’m having three girls over tonight. I need help.”
The pharmacist hands the guy Viagra Extra Strength and says, “Take all these and you’ll go berserk for 12 hours.”
The next day the same guy walks into the drugstore, limps up to the pharmacist, and drops his pants. His penis is all bruised and tied in a knot, and skin is hanging off in some places. He says, “Gimme a tube of Icy Hot.”
The pharmacist replies in horror, “You can’t put Icy Hot on that!”
“No, it’s for my wrists,” the guy moans. “The girls never showed up.”
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Saggy tits
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
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Ok, well, at least there's one you have missed. Thank you.
Well, I reckon the cannibal who started at his feet had already gotten to the man's balls, while his partner misunderstood him, probably the other one was getting sick?
Two guys were walking through the jungle and got captured by a group of cannibals. The cannibals put them in a huge pot and start to boil the water. All of a sudden one of the guys started laughing.
"What are you laughing about? We're about to be eaten!"
The laughing man replied, "I peed in their soup!"
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A columnist or correspondent gets to a small mountainous rural community in order to write a story about their life style. He meets up one of the villagers and asks this question:
-Could you tell me an anecdote, tale or story about this county?
This man begins to speak:
-Well, once a goat in our bunch got lost amongst the forest and, as usual, we all met to discuss about the problem, we drank all wine bottles existing, then got to search in the bushes for the lost goat. As we found it, as usual, we got back to drink, celebrate, and one after the other, had sex with this goat…
The journalist interrupts: -Hey, this story will we published, available in a tabloid and every body will know about this! You'd rather tell me something about your customs, traditions, dance, folklore, etc.
-Ok, once a woman got lost in the forest. She was a neighbor's wife and went to find her immediately. But before that, we drank all wine bottles existing. As we found her, we had sex with her.
The writer didn't take this anymore and, this was trying, frustrating. Seeks to stay away from the subject, he said:
-Hey, why don't you tell me something sad?
The country man was already moaning and wipes his tears barely beginning to drive out and continued:
-Once I was the one who got lost in the woods and…
A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
Did you hear about the guy who got Viagra caught in his throat? He got a stiff neck!
TETANUS SHOT
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
TOLL ROAD!!
One day an old man was going on the toll road and he had sum viagra in his pocket any way he had to pay the toll and when he grabbed for his money he accidently grabbed his viagra and threw it in the pay toll slot and the thing went up and never went down! They tried everything to get it down but nothing would work!
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile, maybe even a chuckle.
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
