1. A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of a sudden the telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for awhile. He said he's out playing cards with you."
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2. Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?"
"Yes," her friend replied.
"What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"
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oK, at first one: who's cheating who? Number 2, a Lifesaver is some kind of a candy to suck? Which joke do you like the most.
Well, I understand masturbating was not the problem. Only because bat was looking at his gorgeous urologist.
1. Bad Example
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
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2. Johnny's Camp Trip
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
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3. Priest Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the .
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
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4. Three Daughters
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
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5. Santa Likes Girls
A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"
The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"
Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"
Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".
Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"
Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"
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Well, again, I've only heard about N° 1, N° 3, and N° 4 since long ago. I ignored the others ever existed!
Two mexican guys go to America.
Two Mexican guys went to America to work, but the problem was they didn't know a word of English. As they were at the train station, waiting to catch a train bound for New York, the other guy asks his partner to get to the ticket counter and enquire what time would next train to New York leave. The Mexican accepts, and, at the ticket counter asks the following question is Spanish: "¿A qué hora sale el próximo tren para Nueva York?"
The clerk was a black, and replies: "Nine ten."
"Oye, dijeron que no hay tren."
"But, how come there's no train today?! You'd better get there and ask again."
"Oiga, ¿Me puede decir a qué hora sale el próximo tren para Nueva York?"
The black clerk again: "Nine ten."
Oye, ve, no hay tren.
"I send you there and you come up with nothing? May be I'll have to go myself and ask? You get there and ask again!
This dum: "Oiga, ¿A qué hora sale el próximo tren para Nueva York?
The black guy is already mad as hell: "Nine ten, mother fucker!!!"
This dum returns with the response: ¿Ves, no hay tren. Dijo que tiene un foco quemado."
Techgoddess, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Techgoddess rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Indeed," said the man, "but we would prefer you didn't lie on the dining room skylight."
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
R. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
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1. The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said:
"Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
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2. A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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Well, I've surf the web for many years now, but never heard of these ones before. So, they're new to me... and to rocco, even techgoddes?
Ok, techgoddess, I've heard of first one many times. Nº 2 is new to me. Fantastic! Blowing bubbles, but ... it's his first name. Have you ever blown bubbles, techgoddess?
1. Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
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2. Two girls and a guy are trespassing in a farmers field, and the farmer catches them, and decides to take them to court. During the next month, they go to court, and the farmers lawyer asks the first girl.
"What were you doing during the time you was inside that field."
The girl replies... "i was blowing bubbles."
The next girl was asked the exact same question, and she replied:
"Blowing bubbles"
The lawyer then goes on to the man and says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles too."
And the man replies:
"No, i am bubbles!"
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3. DEATH DURING SEX
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
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Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
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Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Thank you for the translation, techgoddess, for I read over and over, didn't catch up with... only until you explained it to me. I thought I had understood, but got it wrong.
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
I liked megafucks better.
1. Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly beleive it, she wasn't wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor.
What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drueled a bit and finally said "Your ears."
"What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!!!
"Well," said Bob "In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!!!
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2. A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
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Number 2 is a classic, rocco -italian name- but never heard of number one. It's excellent! First time I didn't get it. The second time I did! What's your guess here?
Well, Rocco -italian name. these machines
won’t wake me up at all, don’t worry.
I used to live down town but I now live in the subburbs.
I can run the distance from this street and back home
in just 10 minutes (Sorry, I don’t like to ride with locals
in the same bus).
Well, he's laughing at one of Rocco's jokes at least.
It's her duty to fullfil a husband! Then he is more willing to pay the bills on schedule.
I'm singing Merry Christmas for you now. A violing can't play it?
