Friday, September 3, 2004. Introducing Tantra

A couple of weeks passed without dramatic events. I had pleasant discussions with Tina at the indoor games, but no bold flirting. We had stopped coaching the girls because of the cold and rainy September.

I was experienced in meditation and organized a practice group, but didn’t talk about it unless asked. Then a local newspaper wrote about it. On the next game trip, Tina bombarded me with questions, but there was not enough time to fulfill her interest. 

So we met in the cozy library room in the early afternoon. September rain drummed the window in the otherwise muffled library. The dim lighting and subdued colors created a relaxed atmosphere.

“Meditation is about keeping your focus in this place and moment. Anything else is a pale image of reality. By practice, you learn to stay in the moment more and more firmly.”

“Count your breath from one to ten, one to ten, and so on. Whatever interrupts, just start from one. Focus like waiting for the start gun at a 100 m competition.”

So we did for twenty minutes. 

“It was more difficult than I thought. First, I missed numbers, then I got sleepy, and then I was dreaming.”

“Food, fight, fuck, and fatigue are the main distractions. Bodily mental images help, like your belly being the number, or your skin doing the concentration. It is easier in a group.”

“In Tantra meditation, you turn a strong emotion into concentration — anger, hunger, pain. Tantra is most famous for using the attraction between the feminine and masculine energies.”

“You have my full attention!”

“In basic meditation, you stay in the present. In sexual Tantra, the couple becomes one in the present moment.”

“How do you do that?”

“We can try a basic exercise. We look into each other’s eyes and breathe slowly, preferably in the same rhythm. Whatever comes into the mind, acknowledge, drop it, and come back to the connection and this moment.”

I arranged chairs and set a timer for ten minutes.

We locked eyes. I felt a powerful emotion pulling us together and stayed with it. She was there as a whole being, body and mind, with her dreams, feelings, and needs. I wanted to care for her and make her happy.

Whenever I recognized thoughts, I let them go and returned to the connection.

Then I gave in to my fantasies.

I imagined our bodies meeting skin to skin. 

Our lips feeling the kiss.

She wrapping her legs around me. 

Her wetness embracing my painfully hard cock.

Sensing her body moving and tensing.

Hearing her holding her breath, panting, and moaning.

I returned to the meditation, and soon the timer chimed. She seemed bewildered.

“How was it?”

“I, I don’t know… first nervous, then a feeling of strong connection and empathy. Also longing and… realizing being alone. And thinking about passionate sex.”

I replied, “Loneliness is a fundamental quality of the thinking mind. When you are in the moment, you are not separate.“

“What did you think?”

“I confess. I gave in to daydreaming. I thought of us in the full sexual union, you sitting on my lap, legs crossed behind my back. Staying there and letting the connection deepen. It is called Yab-Yum. Even fantasies are stronger in meditation.”

I continued, “Lovers can have sex with the whole body and mind. Just stay in the moment without analysis or goal and let intuition guide you. Every act of passion is good. The cock inside is just one option. And you can practice by yourself.”

She had fallen into thoughts. 

“How about another exercise? I place my right hand on your chest, and you place your left hand atop it. And vice versa. Relax and just feel the connection in your hand and body. You can close your eyes if you wish.”

She gave an approving sound.

I moved a chair facing her. We needed to be really close to have our hands comfortable.

Her tiny hand was warm against my body, and her heart was beating fast under my hand. I felt the heat from her pussy radiate to my knee. This was really intimate and thrilling.

I looked into her eyes. Her serious yet relaxed facial expression sent a wave of warm emotions through my chest.

I felt responsibility, refrained from wild imagination, and let the meditation work. Time was passing fast, and the timer chimed.

“What were you thinking?” she asked.

“I was meditating, not thinking. I took your hand and then your full being in me, and stayed there, giving myself fully. It felt right and extremely satisfying. It was deep happiness.”

She sits in silence for a moment.

“Now I get the ‘Time falls asleep’. Do you do this with your wife?”

“Not these exercises. Our meditation practice is more bare, just stay in the present. Our sex is spontaneous and immersive. Imagine what sex is like when a week-long silent retreat has intensified all your senses.“

“I wonder how my husband would take it.”

Monday, September 13, 2004. Surrendering To The Inevitable

Cold rain poured down on the September morning, just a couple of days after our meditation intro. No one was visible outside as I drove to the football field. The head coach had asked Tina and me to check an old gym behind the locker room. He wanted to know if it could be used to teach the girls the basic exercises. A confident gym identity would be a lifetime blessing for them. 

A pleasant warmth filled my body when I remembered the connection in meditation the previous week. It had opened an emotional dimension in our relationship, which was more than just sexual fantasy. Until now Tina had been in control, and now I brought something unique to the table.

I was torn between loyalty to my wife and the attraction to Tina. It was impossible to avoid fantasies about this secret rendezvous, though the gym was shaggy. It was quite unlike meeting in a luxurious suite on a warm southern evening, after a delicious meal and sensual entertainment.

The gym had been someone’s pride twenty years ago. Now it was old, cold, rusty, and dusty. I did some cleaning and put the infrared heating to the maximum.

When Tina arrived, we quickly concluded that we needed a better gym. She had a serious aura around her.

“What has happened?”

“The meditation left me with a longing, something more than just being horny. I walked home and sat on the sofa. I hugged a couple of thick pillows, imagining the embrace as you explained.”

“I cuddled myself, imagining loving touch as in the exercise. I felt my vibrator all over, and just let things evolve. When the orgasm finally arrived, I did not know where and how it happened.”

Then the floodgates opened. She crumbled on the bench where we were sitting, crying and squirming in agony. 

Shocked by the sudden change of mood, I stroked her back. There was nothing to do but comfort and wait. When she recovered a little, I hugged her. She now cried against my chest. 

She sat in front of me. “Exactly this happened after I had my orgasm.”

More desperate crying.

I offered my T-shirt for her to blow her nose — the real version of the gentleman laying his jacket on the puddle.

She blurted, “I realized what I am missing in my marriage and my life — the touch, the connection to myself and to my husband. Things are fine superficially, but they are bland. I don’t feel to be seen, to be special. I am missing the male admiration. And what is worst, I don’t trust that my hubby would change even if he could listen. I have learned his limitations. It means I don’t love my husband, and I don’t actually know about his actual feelings.”

I felt sad and perplexed about triggering this crisis. On the other hand, it was surprising that she had lasted this long. Her husband seemed a very ordinary man with low energy, not really a match for her.

Crying.

She continued, “In the meditation, I realized why I was attracted to you in the first place. Your mental balance was a mystery to me. I was drawn to this strange power. Now I know it is the connection, beyond thinking.”

I said, “Connection is the essence, and sex is the peak.”

Here we were, two wounded souls, deprived of the complementing parts of a relationship. Her lifetime search for the connection and me with my old trauma of sexual rejection. I grieved for both of us, wanting to care for her.

“Things will be alright. You are a wonderful and strong woman. I am connected to you, right here and now.”

Sobbing. I held her tight.

“I want to feel the connection. Please. But I need to wash my face first.”

Silence fell in the room. The infrared radiators felt hot on my skin. I switched off the lights. Cloudy September shed dim light through the windows by the ceiling. I sat on the bench, legs on both sides, contemplating. I am going to make love to this wonderful woman who is not my wife. What kind of future does it create?

Connecting fully with Tina for this moment is not away from my wife. Sharing a future would be. Breaking the trust, keeping the secret, and risking getting caught would be my burden. Unless we get caught. Or is this just my wishful thinking? I could not know.

She came in, with no bra, breasts quivering and nipples looming through the T-shirt. She sat on my lap, crossing her legs behind my back.

“I hope you don’t mind.” She was recovering to her normal.

We sat there quietly. I felt her heartbeat and heard her breathing. Her pussy heated my crotch. The combination of intense emotions and physical touch was overwhelming.

My cock twitched.

She whispered, “I want to make love to you.”

I sat still, holding her. She continued, “I want to make love to you. My whole body wants to make love. I need to experience the yummy yammy.”

I leaned back and looked into her eyes.

She repeated, “I want to make love to you.”

She ground her pussy, feeling my cock.

I said, “I want to make love to you. I want to fully connect with my angel of sex. We have everything here and now. I will give myself unconditionally to you. Do you accept the most beautiful present I can offer — your intimate pleasure? ”

“I want to receive your present more than anything else. I want to give myself fully to this moment. I want to drown in our passionate union.”

We kissed, slowly, carefully. Her lips were so soft. She lightly sucked my lower lip and caressed it with her tongue.

I pulled her close with my right hand and held her head with my left.

Our tongues twirled. Our lips wandered around, sucking and surrendering. We took our time creating a passionate crescendo.

I turned her head to the side and kissed her jawbone. She tilted her head, inviting me to continue to the neck and shoulder. She squirmed and moaned lightly.

I pulled her T-shirt off, and mine too. The infrared heated my skin.

“This eternity is ours.”

My lips traveled to her collarbone and the top of her breasts.

I could not bend lower and leaned back in my hands. She caressed my chest with her hands and sucked my small nipples.

“You are so strong. It is arousing when your muscles tense under my strokes. It gives primitive satisfaction to control the body that protects me. ”

Her hands kept teasing my skin lower and lower. She put her hands in my joggers and took a firm grab of my cock.

“Poor guy is chained. Let him free.”

I stepped out of my trousers, and my cock sprang out. She sat on the bench and caressed my manhood in no hurry.

“So smooth, long and hard. I have dreamed of it in my pussy.”

Her fingers swirled around with a light touch, occasionally giving a couple of firm strokes.

She pulled me closer and sucked the tip and tickled the balls.

I said, “This feels too good. I want this to last.”

“Let me talk to him.”

She continued teasing me, holding me far enough from the edge, and letting me enjoy my throbbing erection. A long foreplay makes me last long later.

I pushed her on her back on the bench and sat between her legs. Staring in her eyes, I pulled her joggers off and admired the sight. 

My hands worshipped her body, from the breasts down to the shape of her hips. I took my time caressing her stomach and inner thighs.

I said, “Your beauty is overwhelming. Wanting you drives me crazy.”

Her pussy lips loomed through the wet spot on the pants. I stroked her labia through the knickers. The uncontrolled response of her body and breathing sent a thrill through me.

I pulled her pants off.

“The gate of nirvana is open in front of my eyes.”

I shamelessly admired the place where the hairy triangle meets the valley between buttocks.

The fleshy flower was in full bloom.

The petals were curved and open, inviting my cock to slide in and force them apart.

Her clit was standing out, waiting for gentle wet stroking and firm squeezing. I envisioned her response to my caressing.

My cock rested on her clit as I moved forward. She pushed back with small gyrations.

I kissed her and carefully fondled her face and neck.

My mouth traveled down and gave a long treatment to her breasts. I was careful, because she jerked every time I flicked her sensitive nipple.

As I moved down, my mushroom slid down to the entrance, throbbing and pressing. She pressed back rhythmically, but I didn’t thrust it in.

“I want to watch entering you.”

I sat up and pushed gently, witnessing my long-time fantasy coming true.

“I have been dreaming of this since the Massage.”

The tip slid in, embraced by the heat and the unique slipperiness.

She arched her back and exhaled loudly.

I moved in and out slowly and savored her pussy squeezing the shaft, just below the tip.

Again and again.

“Give it all to me.”

The sacred gate, guarded by the swollen, glistening pussy lips, gradually swallowed my full length.

I stayed there and caressed her legs, stomach, and outer pussy with my hands.

I rubbed the side of her clit and rocked my hips lightly.

“Ahh. Wonderful. Wonderful.”

Her clit felt hard in my fingers. She panted and squirmed as I massaged it.

I said, “So beautiful. Fantasy becoming flesh, finally. I want you so much.“

I continued long strokes, hitting the pussy in the end. I let every thrust count. She responded with whimpers.

This was heaven. Everything we invented heightened the mutual pleasure.

I stopped and stayed in, caressing her with my hands, before standing up.

“I will eat you now. Give your pussy to me.”

I pulled her towards the end of the bench and sat on the floor with her legs on my shoulders, the delicious feast waiting for my devouring.

She revealed her clit by pulling the skin up. I licked from the bottom up with a soft tongue and savored the scent. She squirmed and messed my short hair.

“Intoxicating! Like a lily. Your fragrance drives me wild.”

My tongue traveled up and down along all the valleys between the labia. It tickled the opening and perineum down to the anus.

My left palm pressed her pubis and my finger pressed her clit.

I sucked the petals and let my tongue play with the throbbing orchid.

My right index finger probed the back of the opening, barely going in, and pressed the sides. She responded by tilting her hips.

My tongue traveled up and down between the lips. It made small circles around the nub, and large ones going down.

All the time I listened to Tina’s responses, altering the touches. Her breath got more deep, and I increased the intensity, following her responses.

My right finger massaged deeper, with U presses on the back of the vagina and on the g-spot.

“Yes, yes, like that.”

She panted and tensed her body, and I continued steadily. Soon she writhed and finally jerked in orgasm.

I caressed her pussy for a while and said, “Now the yummy yammy.”

I spread my gym towel on a dusty gymnastic mattress and sat on it cross-legged. She straddled me quickly.

I said, “I want to bathe in the connection.”

She ground her pussy on my pubis. I held her tight and responded with small movements, listening to her breath and feeling her skin. I held her neck with my left hand and her lower back with my right hand.

She said, “I want you so much. You feel so good inside me.”

Our eyes locked.

I curled my body, probing her insides. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth, immersing into her lust.

She took control and slid up and down on my shaft, carefully sensing how my pubis hit her clit, letting out a whimper every touch.

I couldn’t imagine a more satisfying treatment for myself, savoring the stroking of her wet pussy lips.

I stopped her with a powerful hold, grabbing her hair. Our kiss escalated to a full-body grind. My restless hand kneaded her breast and pinched the nipple. She responded with a gasp and pushed her pussy onto me. Once. Twice. Until the next creative act of passion emerged.

Her pleasure melted with mine. Our connection completely filled my mind.

My hands held her tight and my hips made fast small thrusts. She rode on me as my cock gave her a deep massage. She greeted my power move with a long, husky scream.

Fondling and grinding melted into a wrestle of bliss. Powerful holds altered with gentle caressing and kissing. My fast and slow thrusts altered with complete stillness. Her whines and my own growls occasionally reached my awareness.

I sensed Tina’s growing ecstasy.

“Straddle me. Follow what your body wants. Guide me.”

I lay on my back and she adjusted our movements. Soon she massaged her clit and came to a convulsing orgasm.

“Fuck me! Hard!”

It was my turn to let go and just enjoy. My determined thrusts reflected on her pleasured facial expression. I took my time altering deep and slow plunges with shallow and fast grinds.

I fucked her with my full body and mind, and her loud moans filled the room.

Gradually, my cock grew thicker and my climax approached. Her body tensed and she let out squeaks as I hit her pussy.

I continued steadily for quite some time. Finally, I squirmed, holding her hips, and shot my seed deep in her, with a long series of weakening spurts. She screamed and fell on my chest, grinding her pussy on my pubis.

We stayed in silence. She cried silently.

My softening member slipped out, and the mess leaked into my crotch. She continued to lie on my stomach.

She said, “It was a chain orgasm. I have had that a few times in my life.”

“It was beautiful. Unique.”

We caressed each other in silence.

I said, “Mind games allowed, right?”

“We just pretended to be in control.”

“Two deprived souls with complementing needs.”

We stroked each other absentmindedly.

I said, “I wonder where this will lead.”

“I wonder what we have now. My marriage is crumbling. I had a heated argument with hubby. I want a radical change and he is depressed, having no courage, energy, or willingness. And my daughter is devastated.”

She held back tears and continued, “This was coming, but I refused to admit. Then you happened. You gave everything I was missing in my marriage: adoration, flirting, connection, and physical attraction. I fell for you, though not madly in love this time.”

I said, “You are everything I craved when I was young. My dream girl, out of my league, suddenly chooses me. It was too good to be true. You had a key to this ancient rusted lock in my psyche, and I let you open it. It was just too sweet. Now I am the swan, no more the ugly duckling.”

She said, “Fifteen years ago, I would have done everything to make you the father of my child. But those times are long gone. So sorry, this is not personal. I am not planning to run away with you.”

“Same here. I don’t fantasize about running away with you. I don’t want to devastate my wonderful family. And I don’t believe I would last with you in the long run.”

She said, “You realize that we have not been messaging all the time. Yes, I have been longing for our meetings, but no obsession. Had you been too eager, I would have stopped.”

“Reminds me of my youth trauma. My dream girl wanted support from me, but fucked the evil bastard and dated the miserable artist.“

“This time you are the evil bastard!”

“Yes. I am a double evil bastard!”

I continued, “But this has been healing. Like in psychotherapy, where the repairing experience replaces the haunting memory of a bad relationship. But this therapy was radical — physical, illegal, secret, out of control. Thorough and complete.”

“And now we, I mean I, need to clean up the mess. I don’t want to devastate my three girls at home. Meeting my wife and the honeymoon was the happiest time of my life, but gradually the busy family life has swamped it. I want to repair that.”

She said, “For you, this is still an isolated mind game. My bubble has burst. I need to rebuild my life, and it is total chaos at the moment.”

“I truly admire your mental strength. Just be careful. I wish I could help.”

I had not controlled myself. I felt empowered about the victory and torn about the consequences. Was this as healing as I wished?

I didn’t have private meetings with Tina any more. Our coaching was not needed, since the local commercial gym provided training for the girls. We still met at the games and shared about our personal lives.

Thursday October 14, 2004. The Last Game

I saw Tina at the games, and we occasionally discussed in an atmosphere of sadness. She shared the burden of her crumbling marriage. Fortunately, she had trusted friends who had a better position to support her.

“The most painful thing is my daughter. She punishes me in every possible way. The worst is when she hurts herself.”

I said, “Even teenagers hear facts in the midst of emotions. One day she will be grateful for your wisdom about sex.”

She asked my opinion about two meditation groups that she had found, both involved with Tantra. She was keen to hear about my self-therapy and I shared my findings. We still had the bond of mutual trust and care.

“Sara will quit football. Today could be our last meeting. Ever.”

“It was beautiful. You have a place in my heart forever.”

“I am sad, happy, and grateful.”

We looked at each other’s eyes. She pressed my hand on the bench, rose, and left.

I looked after her a for few seconds and stared to the field with blank eyes.

I believed my now full-blown affair with Tina was over. But there was a true surprise waiting.