Tuesday, July 27, 2004. Calling Your Fanboy

“Hello, what a surprise. How are you doing on a hot day like this?”

“What can you expect a teacher does on her holiday? She calls her favourite fanboy.”

Laughter.

“Your fanboy is missing your voice. Your laughter flickers like a mountain stream.”

“You wicked charmer.”

“I miss the stars in your eyes!”

“You are impossible!”

“And your soft lips. Mmm.”

Giggle.

I continued, “You are the sexiest creature I know. You always have an effect on me, as you have seen.”

“Enough!”

“Your body, too, moves differently when you know I watch.”

“Now stop!”

“A reason to call your fanboy, right?”

“Pleasant surprise, I admit. I had some business, too. I wanted to test my new ear pods. And the head coach sent the schedule, where we have a session next week. What shall we do?”

“Something easy. A bit of speed and raising the pulse, and then relaxation. The same program as last time.”

“You mean the memorable session?”

“Exactly.”

“Sounds like a deal. With all spices.”

Giggle.

“I can not hold myself. I will be in trouble again. Where are you?”

“I am cooling myself on the porch, enjoying the evening breeze, with a glass of bubbling.“

“Second glass, I guess?”

She laughed, “How did you know? Where are you?”

“I lie on my bed after a cool shower, with my skin sore from the sun. You know the state when your nerves are agitated, but you are too tired to do anything. My girls escaped to the mall.“

“You naked?”

“I hide nothing from you. You naked?”

“On the porch, no! Bikinis and a thin robe.”

“Mm. I am visualizing.”

“Any effect?”

“Yes, of course. Feel free to imagine. I hear some sounds of suburban nature.“

“Yes, poor hubby is mowing.”

I had met her husband. He was tall, but not sporty. He had played basketball as a youngster but was now struggling with chronic back pain.

“Is he sweating?”

“Yes, it looks tiring.”

“If you were watching, I would toss the mower around like a toy. Then I would watch in your direction, expecting admiring looks, and anticipating my reward.”

Giggle.

“What reward do you mean?”

“The ancient universal price, the hairy gratitude.”

“Is that how you like it?”

“Hair makes it more mysterious and adult. But not too much. Bare is like a meal without salt.”

“Mind games allowed, right?”

“Right.”

“What would you expect from me, if you were mowing?”

“You want to set up a competition? Does it turn you on that two males compete for your reward? Both burn to witness your pleasure, and sow their seed into you.”

Laughter.

“You are dirty. Yes, actually a triangle makes this interesting. So what do you suggest?”

“Remove your bra. Have just the robe cover your breasts. How does that feel?”

Sounds of breathing and moving.

“How nice! The contrast of the cool air and the silky touch of the robe. My nipples like this! They stick through the robe.”

Her excited tone made my stomach tense.

“I will help you to prepare for the rewarding ceremony. Tell me what my hand is doing to you.”

“Your hand is brushing the nipple through the fabric, lightly, carelessly, while you talk dirty.”

“Your hand has a firm grip on my hard shaft. My cock is pulsing, desiring the back-and-forth movement. But you let it go, just fondle, and tickle the balls, making my body jerk.”

“Your hand is kneading my tit, squeezing the nipple. It sends waves of pleasure to my stomach and pussy. I need to grind my hips.”

“You look into my eyes and continue to tease my inner thighs, balls and the cock. The longing for a firm grip fills my body, and the dream of the wet squeeze of your pussy fills my mind.

I continue, “Remove your pants. I want access. I want us to be equal.”

“But you don’t have spectators!”

“Lucky you! Just do it. Make your hubby see you pleasuring yourself?”

“He is just sweating with the mower.”

“I would definitely recognize you stripping on the porch and fondle my erection while mowing. You need to be more explicit there.”

Sound of fumbling.

“Done.”

“Lift your leg on the arm rest. I want to have full access to your pussy. Tell me what I do.”

“No armrest, but the other chair will do. A table protects me from the neighbors’ eyes, I hope.”

“Now your hubby should see what is going on. Does you hand get tired holding the phone?”

“I have my new EarPods. I was listening to Enya.”

“That is my favourite music for making love. Let me please you with both my hands!”

“Your hand continues the determined fondling of my breast. The other hand caresses my body, tickling and sweeping, slowly closer to the pussy. The hand passingly presses the outer lips, ahh, and continues to brush the inner thighs. My pussy aches for touching and my hips move involuntarily.”

“Your hand squeezes my cock and finally, slowly jerks it back and forth. You pull me closer to your mouth. Your tongue circles around the tip. My body tenses and my hands grip your chair with force.”

I continue, “I have moistened my hand with saliva, simulating your mouth. It feels very, very arousing when hearing you at the same time. I am slowly thrusting my hips here.”

“Ahh. So lustful to hear about your real arousal. Here my fingers imitate your tongue, making circles around the clit. You are licking my pussy with a soft, flat tongue. Touching the clit sends electric shocks to my body. ”

I hear whimpering.

“Yes, let me hear your pleasure. Come for me. I am jerking my hard cock here. Your wet cunt is squeezing me.”

I hear fast rubbing noises. She holds her breath. Surprisingly soon, I hear a series of suppressed moans.

“That was wonderful to hear, but I didn’t come yet. I want to fuck you. You grab my hand, no, my hard cock, and lead me to the cool bedroom. I follow and look impatiently at how your hips move under the robe.”

I continue, “I will now take my reward with male determination. I push you on all fours on the bed and lift the robe. I savor the vision of your back, the shape of the hips, the round buttocks, and the crack leading to the fully open, dripping wet lips. I set my mushroom to the opening.”

She interrupted, “I guide you in. I feel your strength when you grab my hair and my hip. Your thrusts massage my g-spot and my defenseless body surrenders to the pleasure.”

The sound of mowing stopped.

I said quickly, “Don’t cut the call. I talk to you and listen.”

A male voice says, “What do I see you doing here in public?”

“Come to the bedroom and finish me.”

I say, “Let him take you from behind, but in reality, it is me.”

“I want from behind, just fuck me.”

“Grab my hair and hold me. I want to feel your male power.”

I commanded, “It is me entering you. I am feeling your wet cunt. You squeeze me wonderfully.”

I hear some fumbling.

“Let me guide you in. Yes, yes, fuck me.”

I hear moaning and groaning, slapping and splashing. My ears picked Tina’s lustful whimpers.

I groaned, “My hard cock is fondling your insides. Do you feel how it is growing harder and thicker, ready to fill you? I will spray your cervix with my seed.”

I hear, “I feel you grow. Please fill me, come in me. Ahh.”

I was adjusting my speed.

I shouted, “Rub your clit. I am on the edge. I want to come with you.”

I hear panting, and then screaming, “Yes, I am coming, come, come!” Continued with groans and moans.

I roared, “I am coming. It is my pulsating cock. I am filling your pussy. I am ramming your buttocks. I am ravaging your body.”

My body convulsed, and I spilled my come on my stomach.

I heard, “What is this with EarBuds?” and quickly cut the call.

Tuesday, August 3, 2004. No Regrets

Next week I was watching the football training, and Tina sat on the same bench.

I said, “I hope you did not get into trouble.”

“He was a bit perplexed about me having my new earbuds on. I told I was listening Enya, my favourite fucking music. He said that he liked the effect.”

Giggle.

I said, “That was kinky. A threesome in disguise.”

“I was torn between pleasure and loyalty, and could not decide. So I surrendered to the situation. It was very arousing, an overwhelming satisfaction of being pleasured and wanted by two men at the same time.”

“Hearing you fuck and enjoy was so arousing. Jealousy was turning my stomach and owning your mind was boosting my alpha male ego. I had a raging erection and a powerful orgasm, but my body was desperately missing you.”

She said, “There is something strange about our relationship. With you I talk freely, with no fear of repercussions, and it seems to lead into risky actions. This freedom is addictive. I can not blame a couple of sparklings.”

I said, “I expected you to cut the call. It was just a lightheaded idea. Normally, I would not even dream of this. You bring up my hidden creativity and courage. ”

I continued, “The tension between the lust and morality was surprisingly thrilling. Your mind was with me, while he assumed he was having you. I have seen how adventurous you are. Maybe you had the phone on loudspeaker, and it was your hubby who had the last laugh.”

She laughed loudly. “Why didn’t I come up with that? Though hubby would have been confused.”

I said, “This is really stretching the spirit of our mind games agreement. Would you count this as cheating?”

“Phone sex, yes, and with the kinky spicing, definitely. Things seem to escalate step by step. We need to be careful.”

“Yes. But no regrets, it was a memorable experience.” I wondered if I truly meant what I said.

Thursday, August 19, 2004. Drive Into Dreams

After two weeks, our team had a game in a nearby town. During the game, Tina and I didn’t mingle, since we had toned down our flirting. My erotic dreams were alive privately while ogling her from a distance. I felt a touch of sadness and jealousy at seeing her buzz around in her light summer dress.

On the way back, my daughter preferred to ride in her friend’s car. I shared Tina’s car with two girls who needed a lift to a remote part of our village. Tired from the game, the girls immersed themselves in their phones, leaning against the back doors and eventually falling asleep.

The car hummed through the darkness of August evening.

“This is like my teenage fantasy,” I said. “Timeless drive with my dream girl.”

Silence continued.

“Do you remember ‘Time falls asleep’ from the seventies? Closer, closer come my darling, the love greatest rose and fell, in silence.”

She said, “Touching memory. Did it realize?”

“Not until I met my wife twenty years later. That was life changing for me.”

“The meantime was a series of disappointments, both in connection and sex. Even now, those times haunt me.”

She said, “Experimenting with sex was never a problem for me, but I had my real sexual awakening later. I had a long engagement with an aspiring rocker. He wanted to have his musician’s freedom, and I didn’t mind fooling around.”

“His friend was staying in our house while my fiancé was away. We had passionate sex for four days, and I fell desperately in love. When my fiancé came back, he realized what had happened. He pretended to be ok, but we were finished. The friend returned to his wife in the UK, and a stable relationship became my life goal.”

The sound of windscreen wipers filled the space.

“Sorry to trouble you with my trauma,” I said. “You are so relaxed with these topics.”

“This is mutual therapy. We can safely speak out without fear of reactions.”

Wet asphalt glistened at the illuminated crossing. Female sweat lingered in the car, maybe influencing my unconscious.

Tina had a habit of resting her hand on the handbrake. While her hands were busy, I secretly laid my hand on the handbrake.

She gasped when accidentally grabbing my hand. She fondled it gently.

“Is this your childhood dream coming true?”

“Yes, plus the adult part. How about you?”

A moment of silence.

She said, “Mind games allowed, right?”

“Impossible to avoid.”

“My thoughts often wander to our encounters.”

She gently stroked my hand on the handbrake, the bottom of the handle with one finger, circling around the end, occasionally fondling my wrist and the back of my palm. Her fingers felt over my fingers and the empty valleys between.

My heart was racing, and my abs were tensing.

Her dress was not very long, as she liked to reveal her beautiful legs. It had climbed a bit, and the split in front was open. I could clearly see her thighs high up, and even a peek of her pants. She obviously didn't mind.

She said, “I often remember the massage exercise. It was very… gratifying to watch you.”

She continues to fondle my hand.

“I have desired to see how the real thing looks like.”

She moved her hips as if in discomfort. The image of her arousal made me hard. My member created a visible bump in the joggers.

The sexual proposal tickled my trauma of always waiting for sex, and I felt a wave of irritation. Why first leave me alone at the game and suddenly make this explicit proposal? I invented a bold move.

Moving my hand on top of hers on the handbrake, I said, “You naughty girl. Your hands are bound, and you’re going to be punished. Spread your legs for me.”

She obeyed and spread her legs as much as driving allowed. With my left hand, I opened the split of her skirt so that I could clearly see her pants. There was a small wet patch.

I stared at her and fondled my cock in the joggers.

“Please let me see.”

I pulled my joggers down so that my cock sprang out. It was hard, swinging in the rhythm of heartbeats. I kept my hands off and let her admire the view.

“Seventeen straight centimeters. Reaches all sensitive points. Trustworthy as a rock.”

I continued, “Imagine it approaching your gate of pleasure.”

Shew threw glances at my cock and rocked her hips in tiny movements and ground her pussy to the seat.

Her body movements were painfully enticing. I stroked my cock slowly to sooth the itch.

“Please let me free.”

I continued in silence. She squeezed her thighs together, spread again, and ground her bottom on the seat.

“Let’s bargain. What is your offer?”

“I offer my titties.”

“Show me what you do with your freedom.”

Disguised from the back seat, she moved her right hand to her left breast and fondled it through the dress. I saw the flesh moving under her hand. She milked the breast, squeezing the nipple in the end.

“Show me more.”

Her hand crawled in her pants and made slow circles. She slid her fingers in and out, pushing back with her hips in slow movements.

The last crossing before our destination took us by surprise. I pulled my trousers up, and she adjusted her skirt.

The girls did not waste time when leaving the car. I heard girls’ voices before the door closed.

“I didn’t get what they were talking about. Did you hear?”

“What, no.”

Tina drove towards the village in the darkness and turned to a bus stop in the middle of the fields. She pulled her dress and sports bra down to her waist.

“How wonderful. Perfect. I love small pear-shaped tits. They are real women’s breasts. And your dark and hard nipples. Please show me.”

I stroked my cock slowly.

She fondled her breast. She fetched moist from her pussy and teased the nipple.

We stared into each other’s eyes, caressing ourselves.

She said, “Lust burns my body. You are so desirable.”

“Do you want to come?”

“Touching or not?”

“Want to mess your car?”

Without asking more, she bent down and took my cock into her mouth. Sucking the tip, she jerked me fast. Leaning to her left elbow, she tickled my balls with her nails. I caressed her nipple. I came in no time.

“No mess.”

“Show me everything.”

She obeyed and kicked her pants off, fulfilling my dream.

Her dark triangle was dense and naturally smallish, with dewdrops in the hair.

The flower stood out in full bloom. The clitoris and labia glistened in the dim streetlight.

I caressed her inner thighs and around the pussy.

She moved her hips further on the seat to give me access.

“The most beautiful view in the world.”

Primal male instinct pulled my head down to her lap.

Overwhelmed by the intoxicating fragrance, I forgot everything.

I pressed the clit between my lips and sucked.

Her swollen labia felt firm on my finger.

She squirmed, moaning.

My tongue gently lapped around the clit, savoring the taste of the sticky moistness.

I stretched myself and kissed her.

My finger moved up and down between the labia and up to the clit, circling back down.

She squirmed in pleasure.

I bent down and sucked her nipple.

My hand moved up and pressed her erect clit. She gasped.

My finger squeezed the clit rhythmically. She responded by fucking movements of her hips and letting out loud moans.

“Ahh. You make me feel good!”

I circled around the clit. Her body jerked, wanting more.

My finger went down and probed the opening. I gently pressed my finger against the sides while my thumb fondled the base of the clit.

She panted and held her breath.

“Here comes the real thing.”

“Give it to me! I want it!”

The hot, slippery flesh squeezed my middle finger as it entered and probed around.

Her hips made large moves.

My palm ground her clit as my finger moved in and out, massaging her g-spot.

Her body tensed, pushing the pussy forward.

“Yes, yes. Two fingers!”

I continued and added intensity. She panted and squirmed on the seat, pushing her pussy towards my hand. Then she stiffened, held her breath, and let out short pants.

Finally, she let out a long guttural sound and convulsed in orgasm.

There was a mess on her dress.

“You cruel torturer!”

“You evil teaser!”

Silence filled the car. She allowed me to hold her hand. Her regretting immediately would have been my youth nightmare.

“Tina, did you see this coming?”

“I have contemplated. This was a familiar game to me, though I have not strayed in fourteen years. But I wonder why you let this happen? You seem happily married and so controlled.”

“Sexual frustration and opportunity, surprise. I have spent my life waiting for sex. First, as a teenager, I suffered from involuntary celibacy. Now, with the busy family life, I am the last on the to-do list.”

I continued, “When trying to initiate sex, I get rejected, and no longer know how to approach. Even a hint of sex seems to cause guilt and anger. And for me, sex is the highest form of intimacy.“

“What to do if my fundamental happiness makes my wife unhappy?”

“And suddenly we have wonderful sex. For my wife, sex is like a grand feast at special times, while I need regular food. I failed to get the topic across, and she had her reasons for not hearing me, so I roam around hungry. ”

“Finally, I gave myself permission. And lo, the woman of my dreams appeared. My angel of sex descended from heaven. You saw and accepted me as a fundamentally sexual being, wanting me, welcoming my gifts by enjoying them. It has been truly healing.”

She said, “You don’t know what you really need. That is why you can not talk with your wife clearly. Is it the act of sex, or accepting you as you are, including all aspects of intimacy?”

Her comment struck me. A shower of rain drummed on the car.

“How about you?”

She said, “First, you were just an attractive guy to flirt with. You seemed to be always in control. There was a border that you did not cross. You became a challenge, and I became increasingly daring. Was there anything moving under the surface? Then the massage happened. It was addictive and seemed safe.”

She continued, “The kissing meant already losing control. After that incident, I was so horny that I could have ravished a broom. Well, I ravished first my vibrator and then my hubby, who, by the way, has benefitted quite a lot from our game.”

“And the call. That was an unexpected mental leap that I didn’t plan to cross. But it happened. I am puzzled. Something is going on with me, and I don’t know what.”

It was late when I got home.

“What took so long?”

“We needed to take the twins to Skräddarsko. She tried to use a shortcut, and we drove an extra fifteen kilometers.”

Later, I lay in the bed, eyes open, completely awake, listening to my sleeping wife. Like so many times before, when I lamented about sex that did not happen, indulged in fantasies, and occasionally relieved myself. But this time, the fantasy had actualized.

What is wrong with me? Until now, I had been faithful even in my wet dreams.

Of course, there was the imbalance of physical needs. But that is man’s life.

What was this barely conscious impulse of jealousy and anger?

Suddenly, the emotions of my inner child at the age of four emerged. He witnessed how the smaller sisters get the attention and admiration for the beauty they create. He, the big boy, was rewarded for controlling his impulses, quietly witnessing how the sisters enjoyed what he was thirsty for. He waited, frozen, hoping that his turn would come.

The devastating terror of the young boy strangled me, the fear of being closed out, deprived of the connection, not seen as I was.

My parents wanted to protect the younger sisters, with the consequence that I was castrated, stripped of the masculine pride, aggression, and competitiveness. I unlearned to protect myself, and boys half my size wrestled me to the ground.

It took decades to overcome, even overcompensate, this trauma. But it had already muddled my relationship to women and sex, which I now struggled with. I was not worthy of sexual love.

For me, sex is the pinnacle of intimacy and acceptance, the ultimate experience of beauty. Waiting for sex and being rejected triggered the terror and helpless freezing of the small child.

Tina’s sexual attention was the divine elixir soothing my wounds. I was hooked.

The same primitive fear prevented me from talking through this with my wife. Our previous discussion had ended in guilt and anger. The troubles of the teenage daughters burdened her. She understood my childhood, but how could I bring this new perspective up without waking the bear? My teenage dating disasters haunted me, too. I was afraid to lose it all, and at the same time, I played with fire.

So I continued my lone self-therapy and began a serious search for information. I filed today’s events as an accidental stretch of fantasy that should not happen again. But my track record with Tina proposed a different future.