Day 9

It is in a state of haze and tiredness that I wake up, feeling that I just fell asleep after turning for few hours. The last day is still very much present on my mind, jumping from one event to the other; my shame of being a bad friend to Leet and the embarrassment of getting attracted by Bruce obscuring most of my thinking. I do not open my eyes, not wanting to start the day, not wanting to face the reality.

It seems like the alarm clock has been blaring forever when I feel Akari get over me to shut it off and open the lights. I do not budge, wanting her to leave me alone. Why didn’t I go sleep in my room? I wouldn’t have to endure her gaze that I feel through my eyelids. I fake sleeping, to no avail.

“Good morning,” Akari softly tells me.

I do not move, waiting for her to go away.

“I know you aren’t sleeping,” she continues even more softly.

Why doesn’t she just go away?

“It went that bad?” she eventually asks, not relenting.

I force my eyes open, angry that she is pushing me, her of all people. She has been there for me since the beginning, why can’t she understand I don’t want her to remind me of my problems.

Akari recoils back as I’m focusing all my attention on her, all my anger turned toward her. I still do not say anything, hoping she will just leave the room.

“Alex, are you going to tell me what’s going on or am I gonna have to fish it out?” she says more seriously this time.

Understanding that she will not back down, I bark at her, “Can’t you just leave me alone?”

“No, not this morning. What happened yesterday with Leet?” she continues with the same firm tone.

“Nothing happened,” I say louder. Then, I turn on my side, facing away from her to close the conversation.

“Alex, look at me when I speak to you,” she says, her voice showing how she is losing patience.

Not responding to her, she puts her hand on my side and tries to turn me on my back. Feeling her intention, I swing my left arm, hitting hers, pushing her away. She isn’t going to force me to face my issues.

“What the fuck, Alex? I don’t know what is it with you this morning, but you aren’t putting your problems on me. You don’t want to talk about it, fine, but I don’t want someone in my bed that deals with his shit like a child,” she tells me harshly.

“Alright then!” I tell her with all the anger I can muster, feeling her words sting deeply.

Promptly, I leave her bed. I pick up my things, not bothering putting my clothes on, and leave, not looking back.

I put my stuff in my room and go for a quick shower, ruminating at Akari’s abruptness. I quickly go through it as I don’t want to run into anyone, especially not her. As I leave, she is in the hallway coming toward me. I ignore her and go directly to my cabin.

I skip breakfast and stay locked in until I need to be on the bridge. Looking at my schedule, I’ll have to spend all day up there with Akari. What a fucking perfect coincidence? I just want to be left alone to deal with my shit as she said.

As I wait for the inevitable start of my shift, I think about how everything went south. Not only have I hurt Leet, but Akari is also pushing me out of her life with her hurtful comment. This will be flipping fantastic, spending twenty-odd days with both hating me. Oh, but wait, I’m sure they will tell the rest of the crew, turning them against me. It will be fun, spending my first and most likely last trip in space with people that are despising me. This will not look great on my resume, as I’m sure I will be sacked once we are back on Earth. At least, Bruce will stop trying to fuck me.

As the spiral of dark thoughts pulls me down in a black void, the idea of Bruce stopping harassing me should make me happy, but it kind of makes me sad. Delving into that emotion, it doesn’t take long that it transforms into more anger, feeling that Bruce has corrupted me so much that the thought of him stopping flirting with me makes me miserable. It is in that mindset that I spend my time until my shift, going through contradictory emotions that ravage my mind and crush my spirit.

At 0859 sharp, I leave my room and go up to join the bridge crew. As I enter, I just wish good morning to everyone, hoping it will be enough. They are polite, but that’s about it. Akari is already there when I arrive. I’m sure she bitched about me before I came in, making sure they are on her side. At least, they leave me alone, talking to me only when needed. The day is slow, giving me plenty of opportunities to think about how I fucked up everything: my relationship with Leet and Akari, my future on the ship, my career.

For lunch, I get a quick sandwich and eat alone at the long table. I see others walk by, but they seem to be avoiding me. Even Disy is fucking staying away from me, that old fart. They must have already decided that I’m out, they are casting me aside.

My afternoon isn’t better. I don’t want to be here, I want to be back on Earth, where I could go away and forget my troubles altogether. As I contemplate all this, I look at the time constantly, the clock ticking very slowly, allowing me to dwell on my failure, on my stupidity to think that I could be great at working in space.

The minute my shift is done, I go directly to my room and lock the door. I install myself on my bed, curled up into a fetal position, trying to give me some strength to pass through this.

Going through my options, I should just tell the captain that she can keep me here, my jail, until we are back on Earth so I do not hurt anyone else. Well, she might just drop me at Sirius, so she doesn’t have to keep my fucking no-good friend piece of shit boyfriend gay magnet ass on the ship.

I hear a knock on my door.

Speaking of the devil, here she is, locking me up, giving me food ration for the rest of the trip.

I go to the door and open it. It isn’t the captain on the other side, but Natasha. What the fuck does she want? Ah, I see. The captain sent her as she doesn’t want to deal with me. Great!

“May I come in?” she asks so politely.

“What for?” I ask dryly. She can say whatever she came for at the door.

“I think we need to talk,” she adds still politely but with more authority.

“You can tell me I’m off the ship right fucking here. Just say it and leave me alone,” I tell her, getting angry at her insistence.

“And you think this is what’s happening?” she asks, an eyebrow raised.

“Don’t take me for a fool, it’s obvious I’m not fit to be in space,” I tell her like this is a known fact.

“Oh, I’m not going to let you take the easy road. We can do it in the med bay or in your room, but we are talking right now. Where is it going to be?” she tells me firmly.

She is starting to piss me off, but I’ll comply for now, so this can be quickly over. I move aside and let her in. She takes my desk chair and invites me to take place on my bed. I sit on it but not facing her, furious as to how she is forcing me to talk with her like Leet and Akari did.

“Alex, what are you angry about?” she asks me softly.

“Why do you care?” I ask her, looking dead in front of me.

“Because I’m your friend, Alex, and I don’t like seeing them hurt,” she tells me.

This has the force of a garbage truck, hitting me at a hundred kilometers an hour. Is she trying to insult me? To show that she is a better friend than I am?

With a hard voice, I tell her, “I’m not hurt, I just want to be left alone.”

“Why do you need to be left alone, Alex?” she persists.

Starting with conviction, I angrily reply, “Because I don’t deserve to be here! I don’t deserve to have this job. I don’t deserve to be in space. To be in this crew. To have Akari as my girlfriend. To have you as my friend. To have Disy cleaning my shit. To have Leet…” I trail, looking down, now feeling sad.

“I heard what happened between Leet and you yesterday—” she starts.

“I’m sure you think I’m a piece of shit!” I interrupt her.

“No, I just think you made a bad call, Alex,” she says softly.

“Ah, this is what Akari told me. Look at where our relationship is,” I say angrily.

“You think that Akari wants to kick you out of her life?” she asks, surprised at my remark.

“I deserve it!” I exclaim angrily.

“So, let me try to understand. You deserve to have Akari reject you along with the rest of the crew and that you lose your job on the ship, your lifelong dream, for having prioritized yourself over Leet?” she asks, softly.

I burst, “Don’t you see, I’m a shit person that can’t even fucking understand when someone needs me?! How can I be a good member of the crew when I’m too selfish to see someone is hurt? How can I be helping anyone if I can’t reciprocate what the rest of the crew have been giving me? How can I handle all of the attention I’ve been given IF I CAN’T EVEN CARE FOR ONE PERSON?” I finish yelling.

Natasha studies me for few seconds before replying, “How's the attention that the crew gives you affect your relationship with Leet and Akari?”

I look at her with a sarcastic smile before replying, “Like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“No, Alex, I don’t,” she tells me truthfully.

Looking in front of me, I shake my head in disbelief at her answer. “My physical exam,” doing air quotes while saying those words, “where you only wanted to play with my dick and probe my ass. The evening sessions where you are only looking to screw me afterward. All the kisses, the looks, the innuendos, what do you think they do on me, being the center of attention of everyone? How can I focus on building a good relationship with everyone when I can’t think clearly? When I’m feeling so many emotions? When they are so disturbing?”

I close my eyes, trying to repress the confusion rising in me, the conversation having awakened the events of yesterday’s lunchtime.

“I see. Alex, I’m sorry if my actions caused you distress or issues. But, I have the feeling I’m not the one at fault for this specific instance. What happened that made you feel disturbed, I think that’s the word you used, to ignore Leet’s requests?” she asks me softly, her voice having lost the edge she was using before.

I do not answer her, desire and repugnance combating in my mind, capturing all of my attention at the conundrum that Bruce has created in me. On one hand, I would like to leave Natasha and go for Bruce’s room to ask him to ravage me and be done with it. On the other hand, all sorts of fears make me stop and question if this isn’t simply a perverse idea put in my mind by him and the others, to make me do things I never wanted in the first place.

“Alex, what are you thinking?” Natasha asks me, but I’m not conscious enough of my surroundings to react to her.

Many seconds elapse before she asks me the question that makes it all burst out on the open, “Have you had a run-in with Bruce?”

I look at her, fire in my eyes, anger overruling any other emotions. Why does she want, like Leet and Akari, to force me to relive this again? Can’t they accept that I don’t want to expose all this for everyone to know, to judge me?

Natasha doesn’t flinch at my anger but composes her face to reflect compassion. She looks at me for few seconds before saying, “It’s difficult to confront something so distressing, so disturbing, right? Do you feel ashamed that you feel this way, Alex?”

Wanting to deny everything, I open my mouth to voice my disagreement but I stop as I was to say the first word, realizing that I could lie to everyone about it, but not to myself. It is with a trembling jaw that I start to unravel, to pass from anger to despair, loathing myself for how I’ve treated the others, but also myself in the whole process.

This is what finally lets my repressed emotions surface, finally free from the prison I’ve tried to build around them. I shake and I cry as they invade my conscious mind, a whirlwind that I can no longer contain or manage. I’m wounded that I’ve hurt Leet, I feel ashamed of how I treated Akari, and, most of all, I’m embarrassed by how much I’ve ignored myself.

Natasha gets on the bed and hugs me, taking me in her arms, consoling me. She puts my head on her shoulder and lets me cry. I feel so miserable and lost, far from my comfortable home, of my family and friends, and the landmarks that grounded my life. I’m letting all my emotions out, feeling her reassurance, her understanding, and her compassion helping me evacuate all that has been oppressed by my desire to ignore them. We stay like this for a long time as I go through the waves of rushing emotions, slowing down as the hurricane subsides, as the prison in my mind is emptying.

“Alex, you cannot keep this inside of yourself, this isn’t healthy. You have to face the issues head-on, otherwise, you will hurt yourself and the people around you,” she says very softly in my ear, still hugging me hard. “Let’s take a problem at a time. First, you have to accept that you have hurt Leet and move on. If you don’t, all that you have worked so far will be lost, you will not be able to stay on the ship, not because we will kick you out, but because you will not be able to work with her. She will get over it, it’s only you that haven’t accepted that you wronged her.”

I let her go, to look at her, to face my issues as she said. I remove tears from my eyes and ask with a choked-up voice, “How can I accept it if our relationship cannot go back to where it was?”

“Your bond with Leet will never be the same, you’ve changed it. If you make time for her, to rebuild the bridge that you accidentally destroyed, your relationship will grow past what it was and you and her will get closer and closer. If you don’t, it will only go downhill and you will grow apart,” she tells me with a compassionate voice.

“How do I do that?” I ask her, whispering, hopeful.

“I’m sorry, there is no medication or magic word to make the problem go away. Akari was right when she sent you to Leet, for you to apologize. Has she accepted it?” she adds softly.

“I think so,” I answer while looking down, the memory of the evening coming back to me.

“Alex, you have to move on. If Leet accepted your apology, then you are the only one that hasn’t moved past this incident,” she replies while squeezing my hands.

“Okay. I’ll try to do that,” I say, unsure how I can do it if I’m going to work with her every day.

“It might be awkward at first, but if you put the efforts necessary, I’m sure you can go through and have a better relationship with her,” she suggests.

I look down, thinking about Leet, how I’m—Suddenly, I think about Akari. “I screwed up with Akari. I’m so stupid! Why did I get angry with her?” I panic, leaving behind my issues with Leet.

“Whoa, calm down, Alex. If your relationship was that fragile, Akari wouldn’t have come to see me, concerned about you,” she tries to reassure me.

I look at her, wishing she is right.

“You have to remember something: this is your first flight. Issues like this are bound to happen. You are in a new environment, with people that you don’t know, far far away from home, in a tin can that allows you to survive the rudeness of space. Some people think it’s an easy job but only 10% of new candidates stay in the company for a year and around 50% do only one trip. Also, count the fact that we aren’t a normal crew. You said it yourself, we have been after you since the beginning. It’s not always easy to have constant attention from many people.”

I consider what she just said. It’s true that I’m feeling homesick. “Still, it’s no way to talk to the one you love and behave like this with the crew,” I say, harshly judging my actions of the day.

“I think you did well, considering. Let me tell you what I did during my first trip on the ship. After three days, I yelled at the captain, on the bridge, because she hasn’t visited me for her physical. I became hysterical at her for what, a simple misunderstanding. Most of the crew were there, seeing me lose my shit. After I finished yelling, realizing what I just did, I locked myself in my room, out of embarrassment, only leaving in the middle of the night to get food. It took me a lot of courage but after three dreadful days, I finally went to the captain to apologize. We had a long discussion, then I did her physical. We bonded while I was looking at her and our relationship just grew since. Living on a spaceship is not simple, for rookies like you and even for long-timers like Angela. That’s why we are so close, so we can rely on each other in times like you are living right now. Everyone is worried about you. I think that we all like you very much and would find it very disappointing if you decide to leave us after this trip.”

I look down, feeling uncomfortable that the crew feels this way about me. I never wanted them to be worried about me. At the same time, it feels good to know that they do not want me to leave, brightening my future.

“Now,” continues Natasha with a higher tone, “What are you going to do with Bruce?”

I look further down when she mentions the XO, feeling my cheeks redden, not wanting her to see the effect he has on me.

“Lie to me if you want, Alex, but you feel something for him. The only person you should be straightforward with, pardon my pun, is yourself,” Natasha says with a quick laugh at her joke. Continuing on a lighter note, “There is only one thing you can do, decide if you want to pursue it or not. Forget about Bruce’s desire for you and Akari’s wet dreams about you two going at it, the only thing you should consider is what you want to do.”

I look up at the mention of Akari, surprised that she knows about my companion’s fantasy.

“Yeah, I know about that, it’s pretty evident. It must be difficult to handle the pressure, but you have to respect yourself in this. Here is my advice, do not rush to any conclusion and just go with the flow. If, in the end, you feel that you do not want to pursue it, Bruce will understand and he’ll back off. Just give yourself the time to figure it out. Don’t decide under the emotion,” she finishes by putting a hand on my shoulder, giving me strength.

I look at her, her speech making me feel better, giving me hope that I haven’t screwed up my whole life. As I ponder on how I should go forward, I yawn heavily, trying to hide it from her.

“How long did you sleep last night?” she asks.

“Two, maybe three hours I think,” I reply.

“Well, you must be tired. Why don’t I go fetch something to eat for you?” she suggests softly.

"Yeah, I’m starving,” I confess, looking down.

“Okay, be right back,” she tells me softly before getting up from my bed and heading out.

I stay in place, deep in thought. How am I going to face the crew tomorrow? What will I say to Leet? To Akari? To Bruce?

I’m still deeply thinking when Natasha comes back with a plate of food and a glass of water, making my stomach growl. I devour what she brought me, finally filling my empty belly, the lone sandwich of the lunchtime not being nearly enough to sustain me. Natasha doesn’t say a word as I eat, simply watching me.

As I put the empty plate aside, I yawn again, feeling very sleepy, now that I am full.

“I’ve spoken with Angela and we have decided to give you the morning off tomorrow, so you can sleep in and take a much-needed rest,” Natasha tells me.

“I don’t want any special treatment, I shouldn’t—“ I start to say.

“Captain’s and Doctor’s orders. We won’t let you get on the bridge before lunch. Now, I’ve brought a sleeping pill to help you get back on your feet with lots of energy.”

With hesitation, I tell her, “Okay. I don’t want special treatment because I’m the rookie or something.”

“We would do the same for any other crew members,” she replies truthfully.

Feeling reassured, I reply, “Well, I guess I could use the sleep.” I tend my hand to get the pill, swallowing it with water.

“Good, this is a fast-acting pill, so I suggest you get ready for bed right away,” she suggests, smiling softly at me.

I get up and undress. She keeps her eyes on me, looking expectantly as I unzip my flight suit. Seeing her gaze, I turn so she can better see me, knowing what she wants to take a peek at. My boxer is the last piece to come down, her smile widening as my dick gets in plain view. I sigh internally, feeling the pressure of her gaze, of her desire for me and my dangling cock.

“Sorry we couldn’t have a, uh, normal session tonight,” I tell her with a resigned voice, knowing what it would have entailed.

“Don’t be, I prefer that you take a much-needed rest than to make you stay up late,” she replies with a wink.

“Even though you like what you see?” I ask her, feeling a little bit brave as I point out one of the sources of my current issues.

“It’s just postponed, I’ll be coming back in a few days to schedule it back. Now, the pill is very fast-acting, get under the sheet before I have to do it,” she tells me, still smiling.

I feel a wave of sleepiness hit me, the pills already taking effect. Natasha pulls out my bedsheets, inviting me to get in. As she moves the cover over me, she lets her hand brush over my dick. She kisses me tenderly but I can’t return it, I’m already going under.

I hear her say, “Sweet dreams, Alex.”

I mumble something unintelligible as my brain is getting into the haze of sleep.

She takes the plate and the water with her, shutting the lights as she leaves my room. As I drift away, I hear faint voices, one is Natasha’s, the other is Akari’s. The only words that I understand are Akari saying ‘I love him.’ I get into a deep sleep, happier than when I woke up, but still worried about my future.
Day 10

I stir in my bed, getting out of sleep, waking up slowly. I stretch, I feel like I’ve been sleeping forever, my back hurting a little bit. I look at the clock and see it’s 1123. SHIT! I’ve overslept, I need to… Yesterday comes back to me. I immediately feel bad, slumping in my bed. I stay there for few minutes, deep in thought, reliving the last two days. Even though the chat with Natasha has helped me, I still want to profusely say sorry to Leet, Akari, and the crew. Although she said I need to move on, I don’t feel it will be that easy.

I get up and head for the showers. I take a long one, getting the water very hot, trying to relax my stressed body and mind. As I get out, I’m not sure if it worked as I don’t feel my mind to be relaxed at all. Coming back to my room, I take my clothes out. I look for a long time at my flight suit, the symbol of my membership to the crew, to the ship. Do I still deserve to wear it? I'd would very much like to, but this will be the decision of the captain and the crew.

I get a lunch from the kitchen and quickly retreat to my room as I don’t want to see the others yet. I look at my revised schedule, half the afternoon on the bridge and half down in engineering, helping Leet. I have a lump in my throat at the idea that I’ll be spending time with her alone. The last thing I want to happen is that she asks me all those questions, to have all this brought back on the top of my mind.

Natasha has left me an internal message, asking me to come to see her during the day.

1300 finally arrives, I have to get to the bridge even though I would much rather stay locked away. I look at myself in the mirror as I go for the door, unsure that I like what it reflects. Resigned, I get out of my room to face whatever is awaiting me.

As I get to the first deck, I see the captain hanging just outside the bridge, looking at a tablet. She hears me exit the stairs and looks at me. She smiles warmly and asks, “Do you have a minute?”

“Of course, Angela,” I reply, dreading the discussion to come.

She goes for her stateroom, I follow after her.

“Please take a seat, Alex,” she says, pointing to a couch. Looking around, her room is very well decorated, very stylish. She has a big bed in a corner, covered with a red quilt. She has a similar desk as I have in my room, but larger and covered with pictures and few objects. On the other side, she has a couch and a table with four chairs to receive people. There is a second room in the back, most likely her private bathroom.

I sit on the couch as she takes the other side. I raise my sight to look at her but discover that she is looking back at me. I lower my eyes to stare at the floor in front of me.

“I like to have a one-on-one discussion with all of the members of the crew during a trip, particularly with a new member. For you, I wanted to do it a little bit later, to have time to see how you are doing, but I think we should have a chat now,” she says before taking a pause.

I keep my eyes on the floor, shy, but, more importantly, dreading what she might say.

“Alex, you have a problem and I don’t like seeing anyone in my crew having one. I don’t know all the details, Leet doesn’t want to share them with me but I trust her when she said that it’s not that big a deal.”

This surprises me, I heavily inhale at what I consider a huge mistake.

“I see that you might not agree, but it isn’t the problem that concerns me. What I see is a bright young man that has a brilliant career in front of him, who is very motivated, and that might have just found a place where he is fitting.”

Here comes the but.

“But, you keep all your problems inside of you and you do not use the help that is available around you. Everyone on the ship, including me, would love to help you, but we can’t if you don’t allow us, if you don’t share with us. What you did yesterday wasn’t the end of the world, you didn’t attack, hurt, or verbally abuse anyone. You closed yourself, you kept all of the issues that you have inside of you, hoping they would resolve by themselves. That’s not healthy and you can’t continue like this.” She stops, letting me time to digest what she said.

As much as she might be right, I’m still not convinced.

“Alex, look at me,” she requests.

I sigh and slowly raise my head to make eye contact with her.

“You need to work through this. If you don’t, I fear that you will pass an opportunity of a lifetime and for what? A misunderstanding? Something you said? You need to find peace. It’s not easy when you are light-years from home with people that you barely know, but that’s what it is. Do you understand what I’m telling you?” she asks me.

I nod, unsure that my voice would work.

“Okay, I know that Natasha has asked you to see her, I want you to. It doesn’t need to be now, you can go later, but see her today,” she tells me firmly yet gently.

I nod again.

“Alright. You might have some rough moments today, but remember that there will always be someone that can help you, regardless of the problem.”

I force a thin smile on my face, trying to reassure her and myself at the same time.

“Perfect, now let’s get to the bridge. And, we will have a proper one on one another day when you feel better.”

“Okay. Thank you, Angela.” I say, just more than a whisper.

She smiles at me and points toward her door, inviting me to lead the way. I rise, inhaling deeply. We exit her room and get into the bridge.

Bruce is his usual joker, making me cringe as he says, “Isn’t it sleeping beauty?”

“Bruce!” I hear Angela say, behind me.

“Alright, alright. Take your station, Alex. I need you to run a full diagnostic on the radar system,” he asks, keeping an eye on me.

I nod and turn to go for my station. Emma and Blistas aren’t looking at me, but Akari is, her face full of worry. I try to smile at her, but it’s difficult, I’m not sure it’s very convincing. I continue, lowering my head, feeling the pressure of my shame and the harm that I’ve caused. I get to my station and do not lose any time, I get to work to occupy my brain. It mostly works, only getting back into my spiral of dark thoughts when I need to wait for something. I complete the diagnostics that Bruce asked for, in addition to what I have on my task list. I finally finish, now wishing that I would have taken my time, so I don’t have to leave, not wanting to see Leet right away.

I turn around and tell Bruce, “I have completed all my tasks, I’ll be heading for engineering,” finishing on a down note.

“Good, I think that Leet needs your help for the calibration of the hydraulic system,” he instructs me using a soft tone.

I nod and rise from my chair. Akari raises her head toward me, worries still on her face. My smile is more convincing this time, but it doesn’t show any warmth. As I approach Angela’s station, she gives me a thumbs up. I return it even though I do not feel okay.

I head for the third deck, taking my time. I knock on the med bay door, Natasha inviting me to get in and to sit on a chair.

“Hi, Alex. How was your sleep?” she asks me.

“I think it was fine. I slept for more than fifteen hours,” I tell her softly.

“Good. How is your spirit today?”

“I still feel like shit,” I confess.

“Understandable, but try to be more positive. Do not judge yourself that harshly, you are too hard on yourself. You have to let go of this, you have to accept that you made errors. It’s not easy, but you have to.”

“I know, but…” I trail, deep in my thoughts.

“But you still think you are a terrible person for what you did?” she eventually asks.

I nod slowly.

“Hasn’t Leet forgiven you for what you did to her?”

“Yes, but she might have said that to please me,” I reply, exposing one of my fears.

“She might, although I would be so surprised if she did. Unless she tells you directly, you don’t have any idea if it is the case or not. You can imagine all your worst fears, if you don’t have any proof of it, then it’s all in your head.”

I nod again, even though I’m not convinced that Leet has said the truth.

“Okay, here is what I want you to do. Ask Leet. Ask her if she thinks you are a terrible person,” she suggests softly.

I raise my head, looking at her with fear. How could I ask her that? She will lie to me again to not hurt me.

“Please, go ask her. Now,” Natasha requests me, before saying on a lighter note, “I just wanted to have a quick chat with you and help you guide your next actions, nothing more. I want you to realize that you’re worth more than you give yourself credit,” she says, before inviting me to leave her med bay.

I rise from my chair and go for the door. As I pass the threshold, I stop, turning around to say, “Thank you, Natasha, for helping me.”

She smiles warmly at me and says, “Anytime.”

I leave her office and head for the fourth deck, having a single question in mind: How am I going to ask her?

I get to the engineering door and stop there. I try to gather my thoughts before going in, finding some courage buried deep into my pile of shame.

Suddenly, the door opens, revealing Leet. She sees me, her eyes opening wide. I inhale sharply, preparing myself for the worst. She jumps at me and hugs me, getting her body pressed against mine. I freeze, at the surprise, but even more by the sudden wave of compassion and relief that she exudes. I hug her back, clutching her even tighter against me. I bury my head in her shoulder, feeling relief that she doesn’t seem mad at me.

After few seconds of intense sharing of unspoken emotions, she releases me but keeps me at arm's length, resting her hands on my shoulders. She looks at me with distressed eyes and says, “If I had known you were feeling like this, I wouldn’t have let you go. I didn’t know you had such emotions lurking inside of you, I wouldn’t have pushed you to reveal them,” she tells me, looking deeply in my eyes.

Feeling confused, I ask her with a shaking voice, “Eh, but, do you think I’m a terrible person for what I did to you?”

Her eyes open wide before she hugs me back, even harder than before. She brings her mouth closer to my ear and tells me, “No, I think you are a very nice man that is having difficulty adjusting to his new environment. You hurt me, but it wasn’t on purpose. I wouldn’t even say Disy is a terrible person, even though he might deserve it sometimes.”

I melt in her embrace, the stress, anguish, fear, and self-loathing I’ve built in the last two days going away slowly. Tears appear in my eyes, by the relief I feel, that she is still my friend, that she still likes me. I stay firmly pressed against her for a long time, wanting to feel her solace spread through me.

As I ease my grip on her, having filled up on positive energy, we part and she wipes my tears with a finger. She comes closer and kisses me, sharing her friendship with me, the special and exhilarating relationship that the crew has with each other. I return it, showing her how much I value our close bond. As our lips part, we keep eye contact, not wanting to broke this newfound happiness.

“You feeling better?” she eventually asks me.

I nod, my heart and mind finally healing, slowly.

“Alright, my friend, I need you,” she says, winking at me, making me chuckle, “I need your help with the calibration of the hydraulic system. Do you have time to help me?”

I smile at her, my first real smile of the day, before saying, “Always!”

She grabs my shoulder, inviting me inside so we can do the calibration. We chat lightly, avoiding any sensitive topic. It feels good that we are somewhat back to normal, that I don’t feel like shit being around her. The problem stays present in my head, but I’m now able to ignore it, to finally have control over my negative feelings. The rest of the afternoon goes along without a hitch as we chat as nothing had happened.

Dinner approaches, I dread facing everyone. Although, Leet helps me, inviting me to sit with her. I appreciate her gesture, I feel like she wants to be by my side, supporting me. In the end, it goes well, nobody making any reference to my indisposition of yesterday. I even crack a joke at the expanse of Bruce. Akari, who is sitting in front of me, seems to be preoccupied, keeping an eye on me for the duration of the meal. As much as I have resolved a big part of the issue, she is one that I haven’t figured out how to tackle. I wasn’t fair with her, I wasn’t nice to her. I decide that I’m not going to deal with her tonight, to give me more time, to have more energy, already feeling spent even though I woke up late.

Dinner finishes and I bring my plates to the galley. Seeing that Akari is helping with the serving bowls, I try to sneak out using the door on the other side to avoid having to awkwardly walk past her. Unfortunately, Leet is waiting for me there.

“Alex, I know you have gone through a difficult day. I know, I was there for the big part,” she says, smiling at me, “But you need to deal with Akari. Tonight. Could you do that for me?”

I look at her, taking a deep breath, not feeling ready for that.

“If you push it, it will become more and more difficult to handle it. If it’s not for me, at least do it for her,” Leet pleads.

As much as I would like to disappear to deal with this another day, I see her point. I exhale deeply before saying, with a lump in my throat, “Okay.”

Leet makes a small sign to Akari before leaving us.

Akari looks at me with eyes full of sadness as she walks toward me. As I see her coming with this look, I instantly gaze down, feeling the weight of what I did to her. I would like to vanish, to go away, to not have to deal with this. It is hurting so much, even more considering I love her. The time I’ve spent with her has been some of the happiest moments of my life and I had to screw the whole thing. Even though it will be difficult, I’ll do it for her, to at least not hurt her more.

Deciding that we should be doing this privately, I ask her, “Could we go somewhere we can be alone?” The last thing I want to do is having this conversation on the couch with the others around.

“Okay, let’s go to my room,” she suggests softly.

As we go down the stairs, I look at her hand, wanting to feel her soft skin on mine, at least a last time if the worst happens. As I grab it, she stops and looks at me. I see hope in her eyes, making her smile slightly. This comforts me a little bit, as she hasn’t outright rejected me. I return her smile, a beginning of reconciliation on the horizon.

We get to her room and we sit on her bed, facing each other. We stay silent for a while, looking at one another, holding both our hands.

I finally decide to start, saying with a difficult voice, “Akari, I have to give you an apology. I didn’t treat you well yesterday. I know that you didn’t really want to push me away. I wasn’t in the best of spirit. The evening with Leet didn’t go well. In the end, she tried to push me to confess what was bothering me and I didn’t take it so well. I was angry when I got back to you and made me stay awake most of the night, thinking about the day. I shouldn’t have unleashed that on you, I know you were just trying to help me.”

“Alex, I’m just glad that you came back to me. I thought I pushed you away. That I hurt you,“ she says before starting to cry.

I get to her and take her head in my hands. “You haven’t pushed me away, I was hurt and putting that on you, you were trying to get me to open up.”

She continues to cry, saying with difficulty, “Then why did you try to leave after dinner? Why didn’t you wanted to talk to me?”

I breathe loudly, feeling so distressed by her reaction, by what she is asking me. I let her head go, having to steady myself on the bed, the feeling of indignity making my body weak. I decide to take a leap, to do what Angela and Natasha recommended me to do, “The day has been difficult for me. First facing Angela, then the bridge crew, then Natasha, and finally Leet. I don’t handle problems very well and I wanted to have a fresh start to discuss them with you, to be better disposed to handle them correctly. It’s not that I didn’t want to discuss it with you, I just wanted to do it on a fresh day, to give me better chance at fixing our relationship,” I say softly.

She looks at me, unsure. “Then, why didn’t you say that to me instead of going away?”

It hurts so much that it makes me look down, feeling the guilt and regret building in me. Out of the deepness of my mind, I let out the shameful truth, “Because I’m… I’m a coward. I’m not good at facing issues. I try to work around them. That’s why I tried to leave without talking to you, why I left you yesterday morning, why I was considering leaving the ship,” I say very softly.

With a hand, she moves my head, so I have to look at her. “And now, do you want to leave the ship?”

“No,” I say, still a whisper.

“Do you want to leave me?” she asks, fright in her eyes.

“No!” I say, more firmly.

Her eyes open wider, she inhales loudly, a faint reassured smile forming on her face. She pushes me gently on my back, climbing over me. Softly kissing me, her warm lips pressed against mine making me feel better, my heart getting happier, my spirit lifting for the dark corner it was curled up.

I let myself go free at her embrace, my sentiment of love for her taking over all that has been darkening my days since I’ve hurt Leet. I move my arms around her, wanting to feel everything she is giving me. Few tears appear in my eyes, the relief running through my body.

When she parts with me, she looks at me and says, “Don’t ever do that to me again. Please, talk to me. I would have helped you, I would have spoken to Leet. But, you have to open up to me, otherwise, I’ll always be feeling like I’m left out of your life.”

Feeling embarrassed, I look at her and say, “I’ll try.”

“Good,” she says, getting closer to me again, briefly kissing me. “You must be tired from all this?” she adds as she leaves my lips.

“Yeah, it’s been an emotionally intense day,” I confess.

“I bet. Do you want a massage?” she asks with a smile.

“Don’t feel like you need to or something, I’m good,” I tell her, not wanting her to do something just to make me feel good.

“I would like to give you a massage so you can finally relax from your exhausting day,” she rephrases.

I think about it and it could be nice as she says that she wants to give it to me.

“Okay,” I reply shyly.

My answer makes her happy, giving me a loving smile.

“Good. Take off your clothes, I’ll prepare the bed.”

Akari and I get off the bed for me to remove my clothes and for her to push the duvet away and lay a towel on the bedsheet. Then, she invites me to lie down comfortably.

“I’ll be back in a minute,” she says before leaving the room.

Butt naked on her bed, I relax my body and my concerned mind, maybe a little bit too much. I almost fall asleep from the exhaustion of the day but I’m brought back when she opens the door.

“Were you getting sleepy?” she asks me, smiling softly.

“A little bit,” I tell her, looking at her from the comfort of her bed.

“Then, this should wake you up a little bit,” she says as she removes her flight suit and underwear, getting naked as I’m. This arouses me a little bit, but the prospect of receiving a massage from her is more interesting right now.

She straps a bottle around her waist and gets onto the bed. Squirting some oil on her hands, she starts applying it on my shoulder. Her palms and fingers work on my stressed body, slowly melting away all of the emotions and negative feelings I’ve had all day. She sits on my ass as she works the top of my body, feeling hers rubbing on me as she moves around. Her movement feels good, her hands pushing all the right places, my muscles slowly relaxing. She unhurriedly moves down, working through my back until she reaches my ass. I feel her hands roam inside my nether region, giving me thrills. I moan softly as she moves around my body, feeling her soft, but firm, touch. She finishes with my legs, massaging my thighs and calves thoroughly. She tickles me as she puts my feet down, making me jump slightly.

Moving around me, she sits in front of me, putting her legs around my face. “Move your head back,” she asks.

As I raise my head, I have her glistening pussy in front of me. The sight excites me, but when she starts massaging my scalp, I lose focus, moaning profusely. She lightly chuckles as I give her my appreciation.

She finishes with the top of my head and moves off the bed. “Okay, time to do the front,” she says, looking at my nether region in anticipation.

I turn myself, making sure that I stay on the towel to not stain her bedsheets. My dick has grown from her work on me, but it still dangles between my legs, not fully erect, yet.

She positions herself on my chest, sitting on my breasts, her pussy centimeters away from my face. She continues her work on my head, massaging my temples and my face. Moving back, she works on my shoulders again. Her next targets are my nipples, rubbing oil on them, increasing my erection that is resting between her legs, comfortably installed between my body and Akari’s slit. As she massages my upper body, she slides her pussy on my cock, making me more excited and hardening my dick. I open my eyes and see that she is smiling at the sight of my manhood between her legs.

She moves down, going over my nether region, making me hope that she will be back later. She does the front of my legs, then gets off to do my arms. As she picks up my right, my hand touches her. I look at what I stumbled on and see that it is between her legs, touching her pussy. As I move my gaze up, I see how she is smiling, inviting me to play with her. I move two fingers up, slightly touching her vagina. As she massages my arm, my fingers penetrate her, moving up and down in her as she moves around. She works on my arm for a long time, taking her time to give me a deep massage while I give her a different kind. As she gets to my hand, she removes it from under her and brings it to her face. While rubbing the palm of my hand, she gets my fingers in her mouth, sucking each sensually.

She moves to my other arm and repeats the process, having me finger her. When she finally removes me from her dripping pussy, she is breathing rapidly. She sucks my fingers and puts back down my arm on the bed. I find this very relaxing, even though my dick isn’t relaxed at all.

She removes the oil bottle from her waist but gets a good quantity on her hand. She gets back on the bed and gets herself over my legs. “You keep relaxing, don’t move,” she tells me.

I raise an eyebrow, but I don’t have long to understand what she is planning. She grabs my dick and starts to oil it. She has her hands run over it, making sure every millimeter is covered in slick oil. She moves to my sack, massaging it, moving my balls in it. She finishes with the interior of my legs and all around my dick, massaging muscles that wouldn’t be done by a masseuse.

Then, she moves toward my head, rubbing her body against mine. She kisses me, with more passion this time as we share our tongues with each other. As we do this, she grabs my dick and aligns it with her vagina, pushing to get it inside. We both moan from the connection, sensing the warmth of the other. I raise my hands, wanting to play with her tits, but she gently brings them down on the bed. “I told you to relax, you stay right where you are, don’t move a muscle.”

She rests on my chest, her nipples rubbing on mine, and starts to fuck me, only moving her ass up and down. We kiss while she is plunging on me at an increasing speed, twisting our tongue furiously. In no time, we have to stop, we pant as our climax is coming closer, softly moaning at each other. Our faces are right in front of each other, our noses touching, our eyes locked.

“Are you close?” I ask her, out of breath as I feel my balls boil in anticipation.

“You don’t have to wait for me,” she replies, her breathing getting quicker and quicker.

“I want to. You have been so good to me tonight,” I reply, pushing back my release as best as I can.

“Alex, do you love me?” she asks me, out of breath. The expression on her face is a mix of intense pleasure, but also fright at the answer I might say.

“Akari, I love you so much,” I tell her with conviction, coming from the bottom of my heart.

“Alex, I love youuu… ALEX!” she screams, reaching her climax. She plunges on me, inserting my dick as far as she can. Her pussy starts to contract around me, sending me over the top.

“AKARI!” I groan, giving her my seed, sharing my love for her.

We both fall into our orgasms, enjoying the pleasure waves, the close connection, the heat of the other. I am lost in a sea of joy, of happiness, of love. Even though I knew I have feelings for Akari, this situation has made me aware of how much I love her, of how much I care about her. Never will I make her cry of sadness again, never will I ever hurt her again.

As I come back from my climax and moment of clarity, I see her face in front of me, smiling weakly. I raise my head, putting a quick kiss on her, also feeling getting sleepy.

“Can I stay here tonight?” I ask her.

“You never have to ask, my bed is always open for you,” she replies, her eyes getting smaller and smaller as she rests her head on my chest.

“Don’t move, I’ll get the lights,” I tell her before I get the cover, putting it over us. I quickly set the alarm and shut the lights. I kiss her on the forehead, feeling her getting more relax on me, sleep getting to her.

I get my head back on the pillow, thinking of the day. I still feel embarrassed and stupid, but now that I have mended my relationship with Leet and Akari, I think that I can move on. Even though my mind is getting hazy, the thought that I need to find an equilibrium in my relationship with the crew crosses my mind, to find time for myself, to make sure that this doesn’t happen again. As I close my eyes, I think of the last few minutes, thinking that I declared my love for Akari, a woman I know for less than two weeks. Although this is very quick, I do not feel concerned as I deeply feel that I’ve found the one.