I've been fighting it for over two weeks now. I did my best not to think of it, trying not to let my mind wander down that path that I hate so much and yet yearn so much. I've spent nights, lying in my bed, reading, watching TV, doing anything to keep the need out of my mind. And while trying to distract myself, I knew I would lose, I knew I would do it again.

I stood in front of this mirror yesterday already, but yesterday, I managed to turn away and fight my inner demon one more time. But as I stand in front of my mirror now, I know I am losing the fight and I hate myself for it. I always lose it. No matter how much I tried, no matter how many sessions I had with my therapist. I watch myself apply mascara to my lashes, giving them the darkness and length to complete the sultry look of my green eyes, a look I know will catch their attention.

I put lipstick on, the dark red, sinful one, that complements the red of my shoulder-long hair. I put my glasses on the counter under my makeup mirror. The world will be hazy now, but that's okay. It will be dark wherever I go, and I know I will feel better if the memories are hazy as well.

On my way to my apartment's door, I stop briefly and look at myself in the mirror that hangs next to the door. I look at the red-haired woman, dressed in a short white dress that clings to her skin. The open back of it makes it clear to everybody that I am not wearing a bra. The 7-inch high heels accentuate my curvy ass and I know that the low cut-back of the dress that almost exposes the dark valley between the firm cheeks will guide the eyes to it even more.  

“Whore” I whisper to myself as I look at the woman in the mirror and I shiver as a voice in my mind disagrees, telling me that I am not a whore, that it is not my fault. I lock the apartment behind me, hearing the voice snicker.

And as I enter the street, I know that I will hate myself tomorrow.

-o-

The lights are flashing, exposing moving and grinding bodies in stroboscopic explosions of light, bodies that gyrate to the rhythm of the loud music as they perform the age-old ritual. I'm in the middle of the whirling mass, the drums vibrating through my soul as I dance with closed eyes, trying to repress the need that brought me here. And yet I feel their presence around me, I feel the eyes and the unspoken question as they stare at my moving body, the thin dress the only thing between my flesh and the hungry eyes.

I open my eyes and see a face, strong lines exposed by the flashing lights, looking at me, watching me dance. He is close and he moves with the elegance and self-confidence of a strong man, a man who knows what he wants and knows he gets what he wants. His body almost touches me, and the way he watches me makes the heat in my groin grow. He sees me watch him and his gaze moves from my face to my jiggling breast. I don't have to look down to know he watches the fabric rub my hard nipples, they feel taut and ache to be touched and pinched by his strong fingers.

He smiles and I know he sees the contours of the silver rings that are pierced through each of my nipples. I catch myself licking my lips as I look at him and the thought of what he might imagine as he watches the slut writhe in front of him, makes my nether lips swell in anticipation.

He moves closer, our bodies almost touching as he looks over my shoulder and grins at somebody behind me, somebody who starts to grind himself against my body. I shiver as I realize he's not alone. He reaches out, his hand on my right hip pulling me against him and as he does, another hand feeling for my left, and I know both hands are feeling for the hemline of panties.

And as they start to grind their crotches against my body and let me feel the hardness in their pants, the voice in me, that was shouting at me that he doesn't love me, vanishes and the seductive whisper starts, telling me that he, they love me and they will show me their affection and passion tonight.

I moan at their touch, my lips, all my lips open and moist and as they guide me off the dance floor, I welcome their hands on my hips and follow them to a dark corner of the club. The anonymous man behind me holds me, his strong hands pulling my arms behind my back and I find my hands drawn to the hard flesh, hard flesh they willingly, greedily start to explore through his pants as his friend cups my breast with both his hands, fondling, mauling the firm globes roughly. The touch silences the reasoning voice for good and I moan, ready and willing to give my body to their love.

His fingers grab the rings through my clothes. I see his lips move and although I can't hear his voice through the loud music, I know he tells me how much he loves me and that they will always care for me. I feel his friend laugh, his strong arm pinning my arms behind my back as he reaches around me with his other arm and pulls the neckline of my dress down until my pale flesh is exposed and his friend pulls on both rings, making me arch my back in response.

I moan and wince in pain and arousal, the rising heat in my body makes my hands fumble with the pants of the lover behind me until I feel the hot heat of his aroused flesh on my palm and I close my hand on his hardness, a sensation that makes me almost cry, as I realize how much he loves me.

A strong hand moves between my legs, grabbing trembling flesh and opening me as my left knee is pulled up and out, forcing me to balance on one leg. I look down and gasp as I see my lover has freed his hard flesh from the confines of his pants and he moves closer to feed my needs with the love of his flesh.

I look over his shoulder at the dancing masses that are oblivious to what is happening in the dark corner and I scream in joy and love as I feel his hardness spear in my wet hot center, filling me again and again as I listen to how his groans and moans tell me of his love and passion. The lover in my back let my arms go and I reach out to hold my lover as his hard flesh moves in and out of my core. Tears of joy fill my eyes and blind me as I happily listen to the sweet voice in my mind that tells me how happy I can be to be loved so dearly.

I feel hands spread the globes of my ass and I sense the firm touch of my other lover's cock at the tight small hole. I tremble, unsure of anticipation or fear as I feel it push and then the music masks my scream as he opens me up and forces its way in me, the pain making me sob and burying my face on my lover's shoulder. Unconscious of anything but the moving cocks in me I'm trapped between the two bodies until the pain subsides and is replaced by ever-rapidly growing heat that engulfs me and makes me add the screams of my passion to the clamor of the music and the cheers of the dancing crowd.

I hear them groan sounds of love and then I feel them deeply in me, pulsing, filling me with the proof of their love as they shiver, grunt, and pump. I hold them close and the three of us stand in the darkness, breathing hard, each of us listening to our heart's thundering beat. And as it slows down, the silenced voice grows stronger again.

“Are you happy now?”

“You slut did it again.”

“Do you really think they love you?!”

I shiver as I hear the voice grow stronger, flinching as I try to silence it until I squirm from the man's embrace and run, trying to run away from myself.

-o-

I stare at the woman in the mirror behind my apartment's door.  I watch her pick up the phone and dial, as tears mess up her makeup. She sobs as she listens to the answering machine, notifying her about the clinic's office hours, and then tells her to talk after the beep.

“Hello, Dr. Jenkins. It's me, Judy. I... I did it again...”