“Was that vanilla or white chocolate?”

“Hmm?” I snapped out of my daze. “Oh, yeah. White chocolate. Sorry, Enrique, I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

“It’s okay, Rissa,” he gave me his usual charming smile. “A large white chocolate Grinder, okay. And, uh, should I help you out again tonight?”

“Oh, you’re a sweetheart, Enrique, but I’m just not feeling up to it. Sorry to disappoint you.” I shook my head ruefully. 

“No problem, Ms. B. Whatever’s best for you. I’ll have that Grinder out in a bit.”

I walked slowly over to my table, feeling like I was wading through lukewarm water. Colorful as the scenery outside was and as delightful as I'd found Enrique, in more ways than his thoughtful notes on my daily twenty-ounce Grinder, everything looked gray to me. My college education told me this was depression. Fully aware of the dangers of self-diagnosis, I tried to avoid that conclusion, but lately, it just hadn't seemed worth the effort. I'd get through it as I always had: By just slogging forward and not letting myself fixate on what was wrong. But without a career of my own, that was easier said than done.

So here I was, ordering my daily cup of warm, sugary milk and paying a premium for it, mainly because it was handed to me by a gorgeous young Cuban guy who made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world whenever we fucked. I knew he had other girlfriends, but I wasn't so conceited as to care. Today, though, not even his smile and the promise of another romp in his Mustang could lift my spirits. My overthinking had finally caught up with me. It would take more than the cute, gentlemanly words of encouragement he scrawled on the side of my cup to lift me out of my funk.

As I sat there, sipping my impending diabetes and lamenting at my bad, bad luck (while avoiding dwelling on my own bad choices in men), I saw something out of the corner of my eye. A girl who looked to be in her late teens stood at the counter, clad in sneakers, short neon blue shorts, and a turquoise halter. She was practically bouncing the whole time, her dark brown hair in a single braid that reached halfway down her back. Cute, and very much my type, but I didn’t have the nerve to do more than stare, and only when her back was turned. I barely heard her order as I flipped through the magazine on the table.

“Wait...is that you?” I heard a voice coming from her direction, but paid it no mind. After all, there was no way it could have been directed at me. I’d never be worthy of attention from someone that young and gorgeous. “Can it really be you? Here of all places? Clarissa?!”

That caught my ear, and I looked up. She knew my name. Her skin was light brown and her face had vaguely Asian eye folds and full, pouting lips. So many of my types, all in one. And she was talking to me! “Yes, that’s my name. But...how do I know you?”

Without the slightest hint of an invitation from me, she sat down in the chair next to mine. “Oh, it was quite some time ago. I had no idea I’d ever see you again! We went to Evansward. Well, not at the same time, obviously. I saw your plaque on the wall for that boxing championship you won.”

I blinked. I barely remembered being on the boxing team. "Really? I'm not exactly the Evansward Boxing Team's crowning achievement. I was only with them for a year."

She laughed and blushed, looking slightly away. “Ah... yeah, I know. Sorry, it’s just...I thought you were the coolest and prettiest woman I’d ever seen.”

“Was I?” I raised a brow. “I got kicked off the team after getting in a fight in my history class, though it wasn't my fault. I'm surprised you remember me, and that they've kept that thing up.”

“Of course I did,” she grinned. “I tried to join the team because of it. I...know that's kinda weird, looking up to someone you've never met, but I did. Didn't really work out, though.”

Enrique came by and handed Lucianna her drink. He nodded and stepped away. “I didn't know I had any admirers, but I appreciate it all the same. And maybe I should've kept up my boxing. God knows I could use the stress relief these days.”

She leaned in closer to me, sipping her drink and blinking. “Oh? What’s happened to you?”

I waved my hand. “It’s a long story. I don’t think you want to hear it. It’s full of mistakes, regrets, and frankly, just a bunch of me wandering in circles.”

Lucianna scooted closer. “I want to hear. I’m an expert on pretty much all of those.”

“You don’t say. What happened to you?”

She smirked and shook her head. “I asked you first.”

I took a deep breath. “Well...to be quite blunt, my parents are some of the worst people I've ever known. At your age now, you’d probably think it was just me being a moody teenager going through a phase. Turns out it wasn’t a phase, and my instincts were right. Things only got worse between them and me, especially with my mom.”

Lucianna nodded. “Oh, I get that. My parents are awful, too. I don’t speak to them at all. But please, go on.”

I continued. “Anyway, I got out of college with a Bachelor’s in Psychology. Unfortunately, a Bachelor’s won’t get you a job anywhere in the field, but I just hated academia too much to stick around for a Master’s. So, I spent a year and a half living out of my car, taking whatever odd jobs I could, even hooking up with people just so I could spend one night in a bed. Then, I got taken in by a married couple who threw swinger’s parties at their house. At one of those parties, I met this guy who impressed me more than anyone else I’d ever met. He was smart, handsome, incredibly funny, and working as a junior executive at a big multinational. We fucked in one of the back rooms, and I told him he could call me. A couple months of meeting up, and he invited me to move in with him. Another month of that, and he proposed.”

Her smile faded, but only slightly. “Well, I’m glad you eventually found someone you loved.”

I groaned cynically. “That’s how I got here. About six months ago, I found out he’d been sneaking around with his secretary for years and lying to me about it. His seeing her didn’t even bother me, since we had an open marriage from the beginning. The only stipulation was that we tell one another what we were up to. He lied to me for years about something he knew I wouldn’t have had a problem with. That’s what really let me take off the blinders and see him for the psychopath he was.”

She looked down at the table. “Oh. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that and brought up all those bad memories for you.”

I waved my hand dismissively. “No, it’s okay. You had no way of knowing. I made a Facebook account a couple years ago, but almost never post on it, and that’s pretty much all my social media.”

Her smile returned slowly. “Still, I’m sorry you had to go through all that. It must’ve been hard for you. Have you tried dating again at all?”

There it was. The question I’d been hoping not to get. “No, not yet. It’s too hard to set things up properly. I haven’t met enough people willing to set things up far enough in advance for me to find a willing babysitter.”

“Oh, you have kids?” Lucianna’s eyebrows shot up.

I nodded. “Five of them. Money’s not a problem with the alimony I get, but I’ve got primary custody, which my husband didn’t fight me on. My oldest is twelve, and while I trust her, I’m not sure she’s ready to try keeping a handle on her siblings. So, until I can find a reliable, willing babysitter to watch over five preteen gremlins, I’ll just have to rely on my vibrator.”

“Or if you can find someone willing to meet your scheduling demands,” she pointed out.

“Well,” I laughed cynically, “That’s a pretty big ‘if’. Unless you know someone?”

“I--”

Was there a possibility here? “Yes? You know someone?”

“Well,” she looked sheepishly from side to side, then looked back at me. “The thing is...I know how much younger I am than you, so maybe that’s why I never had a chance to say it, but...I’ve always had the biggest crush on you.”

I blinked. “Come again?”

“I know, I know, it’s a stupid little teenage fantasy of mine,” She took another sip, “But I always thought you were so cool, and so pretty. And when I got out of high school, I did everything I could to find you, but it just didn’t work. I still have a crush on you, but...yeah, you’re probably not interested.”

I leaned in a bit closer. “When did I say I wasn’t interested?”

Her eyes went wide. “Oh! Clarissa, I...I didn’t even know you were into girls.”

My laugh this time took on a happier tone. “Into girls? Please. In college, I had a reputation as ‘the girl you can experiment with’. I once even had four girlfriends at the same time. Ninety percent of the people I’ve dated were women, and I lost my virginity to my best friend’s mother! That didn’t go away just because I was married to a man for twelve years.”

She bounced and grinned, clutching her hands together amazingly without spilling her drink. “Oh, that’s wonderful, Clarissa! In that case, do you think you could arrange for a babysitter on the seventeenth? I have something in mind that I know you would just love.”

I fished my phone out of my purse and looked through my calendar. “Hmm...what time is it, and how long?”

“It starts at six and I’d recommend setting aside four hours at minimum.”

“Aright,” I entered the date, “I’ll make a few calls and see what I can arrange. Oh, and can I have your number in case I’m not able to work something out? You’re cute, and I’d feel awful if I stood you up.” Lucianna blushed and rattled off her number, and I sent her a text to give her mine. “So, what do you have in mind for us to do?”

She calmed at this and started wiggling happily in her seat. “I know where Peter Hook’s gonna be in town. Does that appeal to you at all?”

I nodded slowly. “I haven’t listened to Joy Division since I left home, but I can still appreciate the whole feel behind them. Alright, I’ll try and make it.” At her promptings and guided questions, I spent the next half hour telling her about my children and my marriage, and how I’d discovered my husband was lying to me. Lucianna took in everything, gave a sympathetic ear, and made me feel completely at ease. The world seemed a lot more colorful than it had when I sat down, and I moved far more easily. We embraced warmly and parted ways.

***

The day of the concert, I was a nervous wreck. I showed up at the venue in zebra-striped platforms, tight jeans, and a turquoise halter top. It didn’t calm me completely to see Lucianna there, wearing black knee-highs, a short black skirt, and a black fringe jacket. Good lord, she was HOT. Just as I had with the guy from my gym who’d shared me with my husband, I continually reminded myself just how lucky I was to have someone like her interested in me to keep myself from running away. She turned my way as I walked up to her, the tail end of her braid wreath hanging from the back of her head, bouncing about. The moment our eyes met, she bounced again. “Clarissa!” She ran right up to me and gave me a warm, tight hug. “Oh my god, you look amazing!”

I brushed my hair back behind my ear. “Thanks. My daughter helped me pick this out.”

“Oh? Which one? Lindsay?”

I nodded. “Yep. The one who’s been bugging me to start dating again.”

“I’m glad you listened to her on both accounts. You’re pretty sexy in that outfit.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks. And you look…” I stared a bit closer at her. “Are you wearing anything under that jacket?”

She grinned at me. “Just a bit of electrician’s tape on each nipple. Did I forget to tell you? I’m a naturist. I get away with nudity in every way I can.”

“You remind me of Charlene,” I stood closer to her, “One of my girlfriends in college. We shared a room for two semesters. The moment she got inside our suite, she’d get naked and stay naked until she left for her next class.”

“How did things go with her?” Lucianna slipped an arm around my waist.

“We fell out of our relationship over the summer.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

I shook my head. “Don’t be. It wasn’t meant to last. Her boyfriend was just a little too much on the possessive side, and she was definitely more into guys than into me. Besides, I had a lot of girlfriends in college. I’ve never lacked for charm or technique when it comes to women.”

She put her other hand on my hip. “Guess I really lucked out being at the coffee shop, didn’t I?”

“Oh, nonsense,” I put my hands on her shoulders, swaying a bit. “I’m the lucky one. I’m a divorcee with five kids who’s past her prime, and I have a gorgeous twenty-something hitting on me pretty hard.”

“Speaking of which,” She pressed her body just barely against mine, her breasts touching mine, “How are the little mites tonight?”

“I’ve got my brother and his kids over with them. They’ll be fine. Lindsay, Brian, and Corey were pretty excited when they heard I have a date tonight. Lindsay, as I told you, helped me pick out clothes. Brian helped me do what little makeup I’m wearing, and Corey gave me lots of tips on how to win you over.”

Lucianna grinned and got closer to me than I thought was possible. I made no effort to stop her. “That’s just the cutest thing imaginable! What did the other two do?”

“The twins? Lucy and Jared are usually off doing their own thing. Just twin stuff, I guess.”

“Yeah,” she shrugged, “I haven’t known too many twins, so I can’t say what they’re like. How exactly did Brian help you with your makeup?”

“Oh, he just handed me what I wanted when I asked for it. It’s a bit odd, he’s the only one of my kids who’s been really fascinated by makeup.”

“Cool. And what advice did Corey give you?”

“Well,” I slid my thumbs across her shoulders, “He told me that I should be nice to you. And that I should dance with you. And that I should kiss you a lot.”

She leaned in, her face inches from mine. “Well, you’ve done two of those so far. Where are my kisses?”

I pushed my face slowly, softly towards hers, then at the last second veered off to the side and pulled her into a sensuous hug. “You’ll get them when you earn them, dear.”

Lucianna whined softly, her fingernails scratching softly across my hips. “You’re such a mean tease. Didn’t he tell you to be nice to me?”

I moved my lips to her ear. “It may seem like teasing now, but I promise, it’ll be well worth the wait. When you earn it.” Then I blew in it and felt her shudder.

“O-okay.” Good. She knew who was in charge here.

Still, I had no intention of being cruel. The opening act had another forty-five minutes, so I grabbed her hand and dragged her to a quiet corner to talk. For a while, she just dwelt on what had happened to our high school after I graduated and what our mutual teachers had been up to. Then, when we got onto the topic of her past relationships, she looked away. I wanted to know, so I decided to use a little trick I’d picked up in one of my college classes. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. We’re only on the first date, and I haven’t earned the privilege of knowing.”

She rolled her neck and shoulders, then looked at me. “No. It’s okay. I think I can trust you, and like I said, I’ve had a crush on you for as long as I can remember. It all started back when I was sixteen.”

I nodded. “Go on.”

“My parents were never the warmest or kindest people you’d ever meet. They’re very cold and artificial. They wanted me to be a doll. Pretty, still, and silent. Just something for them to show off to visitors. In a lot of ways, they succeeded. I played the part of the doll as best I could, like my survival depended on it. But my curiosity got the better of me, and when I was sixteen, I caught the eye of a guy on the football team and lost my virginity to him. Well, that got me pregnant. Even though it couldn’t have been anybody’s but his, he up and exited the picture and denied the whole thing, and his parents and the school helped him cover it up.”

I put a hand on her bare upper arm, rubbing it softly. “It can’t be easy telling me about all this, and I’m sure it was even worse when it happened. Let me guess: Your parents were furious.”

Lucianna let out a bitter laugh. “Oh, hell yes, they were. Well, to make a long story short, I had the baby and I gave him up for adoption. Never even met the couple who took him under their wing. But that’s where it all started. After he was born, I just sort of bounced from one relationship to the next, and through life in general. I worked odd jobs here and there to get by. For three years, at least, I lived out of my car, just like you. Did things I’m not proud of. But I’m surviving. And I haven’t spoken to my parents at all in over a year.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I felt myself slipping into the role of therapist. “If talking with them or being around them makes you unable to function properly, you have every right to stay away from them.” 

“I do?” She looked at me, her eyes starting to glisten. “I...I feel so horrible thinking that way about my parents.”

“You told me at the café how awful they were, didn’t you? And I told you about mine. My parents certainly weren’t saints. I talk to them, at most, twice a year, and I’m always as vague as I can be.”

She sniffled and wiped a tear from her eye. “Thanks. I felt like some kind of ungrateful brat for the longest time. God knows they told me that enough.”

I scoffed. “Fuck that. They lost you. It’s nobody’s fault but theirs, and nobody’s loss but theirs. They screwed up, not you.”

A few more sniffles, and Lucianna pulled me into a hug. “Look at me. Making such a damn fool of myself on my first date with my teenage crush.”

I returned the hug. “You’re fine. You’ve been finding your way forward. How’s that going?”

“I split my time between styling hair and bartending.”

“That’s definitely respectable,” I nodded. “I might have to come by sometime to get my hair done. What’s the place you work at called?”

“The Freaky Llama,” she grinned, “I really love my work there.”

“Yeah, I think I’ve driven by it a few times. I’ll need to go inside.”

“You don’t have to,” she grabbed my hand. “I’d much rather you surprise me before our next date.”

I smirked. “Awfully presumptive of you to think this early on that we’re having another date, don’t you think?”

She smiled. “I have a good feeling about us. Now how about I fetch us some drinks?”

The drinks loosened me up considerably, and I felt much more comfortable flirting with Lucianna. I complimented her hair, her skin, her arms, and her butt. Seriously, she had one of the most amazing butts I’ve ever seen. When the main act started, we flocked over to the stage, swaying slowly, jumping, and singing along to the songs we actually knew. I felt a bit of embarrassment at the ones I did remember since they reminded me of the teenage angst I’d worked so hard to bury since becoming a mother.

By the time I was done, I was sweaty, my legs ached, and my hair kept sticking to my face. Also, I felt like a dark cloud had lifted from my mind and I was a teenager again. I kept screaming excitedly and waving my arms. Lucianna walked out with me, our arms around each other’s waists, to the venue’s nearest parking structure. “I gotta say, Luce, I had a lot more fun than I expected. I thought I’d come out with a migraine and possibly tripping, but I’m glad I had you with me. You made the night worth it.”

She gave me a squeeze. “I’m so glad I could do that for you. Have you fallen in love with Joy Division again?”

I shook my head. “Nah. That’s a part of me I’m leaving behind. I think I’ll be a lot better for it. But it did bring back a lot of my good teenage memories, too. Like cruising down Jackson, telling my mom off once and for all, losing my virginity, my first boyfriend...you really made me feel young again.”

“Aww, I did? I do stuff like this all the time! There’s one going on next week if you wanna come along.”

I laughed. “I appreciate the offer, but constantly pretending I’m younger than I am is a recipe for disaster. Though I’d definitely be interested in something more low-key for our next time out.”

“Okay, why don’t you pick?”

I knew the perfect place. “Ever been to Santa Delfina? It’s a really good Italian place on Ninth.”

“I’ve heard of it, but never been. It always seemed kinda expensive.”

We stepped onto the elevator, which was thankfully empty. “It is, but don’t you worry about that. I get five figures of alimony per month. I can afford it, and you’ll be my guest. What do you say?”

“A private dinner at a fancy Italian place with an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous older woman who’s paying for everything? What’s there to say no to?!”

I grinned. “Great. I’ll call you when I’m able to work things out.” We’d parked on different floors, and the elevator arrived at mine first. “Really, I had a great time, and I’d love to see you again.”

“I’d love nothing more,” she said, and smiled. Even in that cement building, with dusty walls and floors and her standing in the doorway of a litter-strewn elevator, I couldn’t think of the last time I’d seen anything so beautiful. My impulses took over and I leaned forward and pressed my lips against hers. Her eyes went wide and her lips froze, then she put her hands on my shoulders and kissed me back, pressing her crotch onto my leg. After a moment, I pulled back and stared at her. 

“Well. Not something I thought I’d do on our first date.” I looked down at the spot on my jeans where my thigh had been between her legs. It was noticeably darker than the spots around it. “Really? You had some pretty high expectations for tonight, didn’t you? Did I really come across as easy at the café?”

“In my defense...yes.”

I busted out laughing. “Okay, I’ll give you that. I can’t remember the last time I waited until the second date to kiss a woman.”

She grinned at me and slinked back into the elevator. “You’d better have more of those for me next time.”