Fellow Lushies, what think ye?

Quote by Mysteria27
I think your wife is completely insensitive and I can't believe she would say that to you. If she loves you, what a horrible thing to say. I got very sad reading this. I mean you just got over prostate cancer.

I would think she would be happy and wanting to be with you sexually after such a long battle with cancer.

xo

Quote by playsit
I have not responded to her touch for a year...

Quote by playsit
I'll do my best to keep this short. I am recoverring from prostate cancer treatment, which left me with some ED issues. I'm told my virility will return along with my passion, to be patient, take some Viagra-type pills to help out and keep trying.

The other day, I took the pill then asked my wife if she would join me in bed since physical touch helps activate its effects. She looked at me and said "Please don't make me do that" to which I responded "I don't need you to join me but it would so much better if you did". Long story short, I started by myself and she joined me later feeling guilty. Afterwards, I felt like shit that she would say that to begin with, then felt like it was just sympathy sex.

I have not responded to her touch for a year and she tells me it affects her sexuality, that she feels selfish having an orgasm when I can't, that it's incomplete without feeling me inside her, that she feels like a prostitute offering sex when she doesn't feel it, yada, yada.

I'd love to hear from my Lush community about this whole thing from both a guys and gals viewpoint. Can you ladies understand her thoughts? Would you ignore them to help a person you supposedly love? Any guys understand my reactions to all this or am I over thinking things?

Quote by HeraTeleia


This is the bit that bothers me. Sure, you haven't been able to physically respond to either her sexual advances or to your own sexual needs, but why haven't you been doing the thousands of other things you could have been doing to pleasure her in past year? And then one night, after ignoring/denying her for a year, you expect her to turn on like a damn light switch? And for the poster who called your wife "horrible" for expressing herself, how would you feel if you had tried and tried and tried again, only to be met with either a brick wall of silence or an active denial, for over a year, but then was suddenly expected to turn it on and hop into bed when he whistled at you, like some kind of Lassie?

Quote by Possibly


Neither of you should feel guilty or bad for personal reactions to your situation. Right now, it seems as if you are both in a place where communication before sex must occur, in my opinion. Flush out those feelings and come to an understanding before any attempt at sex. It may take a few talks... counseling even. But I believe with open, honest communication it's mendable.

Quote by playsit
I'll do my best to keep this short. I am recoverring from prostate cancer treatment, which left me with some ED issues. I'm told my virility will return along with my passion, to be patient, take some Viagra-type pills to help out and keep trying.

The other day, I took the pill then asked my wife if she would join me in bed since physical touch helps activate its effects. She looked at me and said "Please don't make me do that" to which I responded "I don't need you to join me but it would so much better if you did". Long story short, I started by myself and she joined me later feeling guilty. Afterwards, I felt like shit that she would say that to begin with, then felt like it was just sympathy sex.

I have not responded to her touch for a year and she tells me it affects her sexuality, that she feels selfish having an orgasm when I can't, that it's incomplete without feeling me inside her, that she feels like a prostitute offering sex when she doesn't feel it, yada, yada.

I'd love to hear from my Lush community about this whole thing from both a guys and gals viewpoint. Can you ladies understand her thoughts? Would you ignore them to help a person you supposedly love? Any guys understand my reactions to all this or am I over thinking things?

Quote by tiemeuptiemedown


It sounds as if she's tried to intiate but you have been unable to respond to her advances? Is that correct? When you are dealing with a serious illness such as cancer, there is so much you are dealing with and worried about like, surgery, recovery, treatment, recovery from treatment, fear that it will return, that you will die etc., that it consumes you and you cannot really focus on intimacy or honestly on a lot of things. It takes a toll on a person and it's understandable.

I would hope your wife realizes that if you were not able to give her what she needed, it wasn't because you did not want to, but because you were unable to. Now that you are on the road to recovery, you need to sit down and have a very open conversation. Let her tell you exactly what she's feeling or how she felt and you listen and work on getting back on track. Make an appointment and both of you go talk to your medical oncologist. He can help you both understand what you are going through is not unusual or unique and perhaps refer you for counseling.

It's not just the partner that feels neglected when you are going through this type of illness it's also the person going through the illness. Sometimes partners pull back emotionally but it's because they are also afraid. If she's feeling guilty about having an orgasm when you may not be able to, it's not really about being selfish, it's about feeling guilty. I think counseling would really help you guys out.

Quote by playsit


Thank you for commenting. First, she never initiates... that's all me. She enjoys our intimacy, just not her to think about it much. When we do enjoy our time together, my body doesn't respond to her touch because of some numbness, but I do respond to her responses to my touch if that makes sense. We have both seen counselors and talked to the medical oncologist at the hospital. We are very aware of what's going on both emotionally and medically. Sometimes knowledge just isn't enough when emotions are involed.

Quote by playsit


Thank you for commenting. First, she never initiates... that's all me. She enjoys our intimacy, just not her to think about it much. When we do enjoy our time together, my body doesn't respond to her touch because of some numbness, but I do respond to her responses to my touch if that makes sense. We have both seen counselors and talked to the medical oncologist at the hospital. We are very aware of what's going on both emotionally and medically. Sometimes knowledge just isn't enough when emotions are involed.

Quote by playsit
I'll do my best to keep this short. I am recoverring from prostate cancer treatment, which left me with some ED issues. I'm told my virility will return along with my passion, to be patient, take some Viagra-type pills to help out and keep trying.

The other day, I took the pill then asked my wife if she would join me in bed since physical touch helps activate its effects. She looked at me and said "Please don't make me do that" to which I responded "I don't need you to join me but it would so much better if you did". Long story short, I started by myself and she joined me later feeling guilty. Afterwards, I felt like shit that she would say that to begin with, then felt like it was just sympathy sex.

I have not responded to her touch for a year and she tells me it affects her sexuality, that she feels selfish having an orgasm when I can't, that it's incomplete without feeling me inside her, that she feels like a prostitute offering sex when she doesn't feel it, yada, yada.

I'd love to hear from my Lush community about this whole thing from both a guys and gals viewpoint. Can you ladies understand her thoughts? Would you ignore them to help a person you supposedly love? Any guys understand my reactions to all this or am I over thinking things?

Quote by Weavindreams
From my perspective, my friend Mysteria nailed it. BUT, having said that. Understanding in a situition like this is needed on both sides and you can ONLY get THERE by? TALKING TO EACH OTHER. In short, whatever you hear on this thread might be helpful in terms of talking to her but you NEED to HOLD HER and listen with your heart as well as your ears. Let her know how much you DO love her and see if you can change her feelings about things. It's surprising what love and understanding CAN accomplish. ;)

Quote by dpw

This is a tricky one. Like everyone else, I'm so sorry for your position but at least it sounds as though the cancer is beaten.
I get from your posts and your bio that your wife has a lower sex drive than you have. I think it all too easy for a libido to disappear in such situations. Lack of sex can in effect be psychologically be welcome and one settles into a sexless life.
This struck me when you said about feeling like a prostitute. I think that's covering a problem she has, and you both have to get to the bottom of that.
Maybe try sharing a viagra, it's meant to work wonders on women as well.

Quote by Weavindreams
From my perspective, my friend Mysteria nailed it. BUT, having said that. Understanding in a situition like this is needed on both sides and you can ONLY get THERE by? TALKING TO EACH OTHER. In short, whatever you hear on this thread might be helpful in terms of talking to her but you NEED to HOLD HER and listen with your heart as well as your ears. Let her know how much you DO love her and see if you can change her feelings about things. It's surprising what love and understanding CAN accomplish. ;)

Quote by Cyndy
Having lost my husband to cancer, I would be happy to just have him alive. If he had made it through, sex would not have been on my priority list. I would have loved to just kissed and cuddled. I would have done anything to make him happy if he was still alive.

So, now that I am remarried, I am committed to live every day knowing that the moments we have together could end as suddenly as it did for me before. I will do ANYTHING to make him happy. The good thing is, he feels the same about me, as he also lost his first wife. We love life! It is so short and can end so suddenly...

Quote by trinket


I don't think her reaction was harsh. It sounds to me like your wife is feeling guilty because she is having a good time and you aren't. In her attempts to avoid hurting you, she is doing just that. Don't forget she has been on an emotional roller coaster too in the last year or so, wondering if her husband would survive.

Quote by playsit


Thanks for responding Derek. I really believe my wife's lack of sex drive is from years of the church telling her sex is sinful. Now thats a huge generalization for sure, but in the protestant churches around here, sex has a negative connotation. I really think the constant droning on and on has brainwashed her. Anyway (I'll step off my soapbox now before I get carried away) it had been going on long before I had cancer. Matter of fact, that's why I came to Lush... to find new and different ways to stimulate her and she started to respond - then I found out about my cancer. Ugh.

I wouldn't have thought viagra can be used for women, I'm not sure how it works. I'd have to ask my doctor first, but thanks for the thought.

Quote by playsit


Thanks JR. Check, check and check. Those are great words of wisdom for any relationship.

Quote by Maryana


Your reply to Derek helped to understand better your situation and when religion interferes in sexual relationship always leads to problems.

Quote by adagio_sabadicus
I would take the advise of a doctor/counselor only, and not of armchair quarterbacks. That is called common sense,

Quote by kiera
Hi

As hard as this has been on you it was also hard on your wife and I have heard in these instances that watching a loved one sick can sometimes depending on the level of care and emotional turmoil the spouse is going through can sometimes cause resentment which then causes mass amounts of guilt for feeling that way when their loved one is sick??

Also she has been able to enjoy a level of sexual release when you could not so again enter guilt...Its also possible that after all this time through no fault of your own that the fact that you have had to use medication has left her a little insecure that she isn't desirable enough for you?

Quote by playsit


Kiera, thank you for both your warm thoughts and your insight. She has told me of some of these feelings, so I know your thoughts are right on. It concerns me that even after everything we've been told by a whole team of medical professionals, she is reluctant to offer her helping hands. Then look at me and say "don't make me do this"? That's what really bothers me I guess... that she makes it seem like a chore. Sigh

Quote by playsit


Kiera, thank you for both your warm thoughts and your insight. She has told me of some of these feelings, so I know your thoughts are right on. It concerns me that even after everything we've been told by a whole team of medical professionals, she is reluctant to offer her helping hands. Then look at me and say "don't make me do this"? That's what really bothers me I guess... that she makes it seem like a chore. Sigh