House of critique

6 Oct 2011

this is a place to critique each others stories and give CONSTRUCTIVE feedback. so here is a place to post links to stories you want critiqued it is not private it will do in the meantime.
for example i might post a link to my first story: http://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/im-on-the-beach.aspx. i would then write hey please check out the story and give me feedback either in the polls or in the comment section or even here by quoting this text and giving me your opinion. and you would obey and give me your opinion smile

like this

Example:
Original post:

Quote by bigguns
http://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/im-on-the-beach.aspx. i would then write hey please check out the story and give me feedback either in the polls or in the comment section or even here by quoting this text and giving me your opinion.

Reply post:

Quote by random critic
Quote by bigguns
http://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/im-on-the-beach.aspx. i would then write hey please check out the story and give me feedback either in the polls or in the comment section or even here by quoting this text and giving me your opinion.
that was a good story joey but i wanted the two to do more sexual stuff also include even more detail

OK? get the picture that is what this thread is for!

oh and please go and critique my story:

P.S. ABSOLUTELY NO TROLLS THIS IS A SERIOUS PLACE FOR AUTHORS TO GET FEEDBACK

THANK YOU

7 Oct 2011

While the comments system in Lush is great for letting people know what you think of their story it's often hard to be honest without hurting people's feelings, especially since the comments can be viewed by anyone who reads the story.

I also know there are a lot of writers on Lush who would love to improve their writing and something like this could really help them do it. While there is lots of advice on writing out there, sometimes nothing is as helpful as honest, critical feedback on your work.

I really like your idea, Bigguns, and I hope people start using the forum as a place to exchange constructive criticism on their stories.

In addition to Bigguns suggestion to post comments in this thread, I think it would also be great to use the house of critique to find volunteers to read stories you're not ready to share and would like to improve before you submit them. In which case, post an advert with a short description of your story and then people can PM you with their interest.

***

I have a story published on Lush which used a somewhat experimental style and was not as well received as some of my other stories. I'd love to hear what people really think of the format which switches between 1st person and 3rd person.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/festival-fever-1.aspx

7 Oct 2011

I guess it would be useful if it was set up like a wiki - where you could save different versions - and review version histories.

This would allow people to edit and create a version of your story and also include notes at specific points.

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead

NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber

8 Oct 2011

thats a great idea overmykneenow but lets just use the resources we have here now this is kind of a temp thing as nicola has plans i think for a more permanent one so again MOW's story is in her post and mine is mine overmykneenow if you have a story or if anyone else does please post here or just critique remember no trolls smile

8 Oct 2011

Quote by bigguns
thats a great idea overmykneenow but lets just use the resources we have here now this is kind of a temp thing as nicola has plans i think for a more permanent one so again MOW's story is in her post and mine is mine overmykneenow if you have a story or if anyone else does please post here or just critique remember no trolls

Dude, I read your story. Or I should say, I tried to read it. And I thought about offering you some constructive criticism but wouldn't you much rather have this done in private email communications...or are you really mentally and emotionally prepared to have your works marked up with red ink out in front of everyone?

I enjoy constructive criticism from my instructors, from my manager or director or VP...but I would much prefer that he or she do so during a fairly private 'walk n talk' through the building or city streets...or during a come to jesus meeting in their private office.

I've endured a few fucking rude assholes who were my immediate supervisor...attempting to tell me what they really felt about my performance - out in front of the entire department or in front of the entire class - and I can guarantee you ... I fire back with both barrels. I'd hate to see this concept of yours, turn into just that kind of thing.

Just say'n.

The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.

8 Oct 2011

Quote by WellMadeMale
Quote by bigguns
thats a great idea overmykneenow but lets just use the resources we have here now this is kind of a temp thing as nicola has plans i think for a more permanent one so again MOW's story is in her post and mine is mine overmykneenow if you have a story or if anyone else does please post here or just critique remember no trolls

Dude, I read your story. Or I should say, I tried to read it. And I thought about offering you some constructive criticism but wouldn't you much rather have this done in private email communications...or are you really mentally and emotionally prepared to have your works marked up with red ink out in front of everyone?

I enjoy constructive criticism from my instructors, from my manager or director or VP...but I would much prefer that he or she do so during a fairly private 'walk n talk' through the building or city streets...or during a come to jesus meeting in their private office.

I've endured a few fucking rude assholes who were my immediate supervisor...attempting to tell me what they really felt about my performance - out in front of the entire department or in front of the entire class - and I can guarantee you ... I fire back with both barrels. I'd hate to see this concept of yours, turn into just that kind of thing.

Just say'n.

sure PM me or send my story marked up as an attatchment to (email i only use for lush so i don;t care if its public knowledge but if you would rather post here i am man enough to take the criticism publicly on something i wrote for fun (i agree that someone who was professionally criticisng me like my boss should do it in private) thanks for taking the time to read my story. it;s my first so i do expect that more advanced writers like yourself would have a lot to say about it. i look foward to your critique and improving my story based upon your notes as well as stories to come.

again thanks for taking the time to read it:)

8 Oct 2011

Quote by bigguns
Quote by WellMadeMale
Dude, I read your story. Or I should say, I tried to read it And I thought about offering you some constructive criticism but wouldn't you much rather have this done in private email communications...or are you really mentally and emotionally prepared to have your works marked up with red ink out in front of everyone?

sure PM me or send my story marked up as an attatchment to (email i only use for lush so i don;t care if its public knowledge but if you would rather post here i am man enough to take the criticism publicly on something i wrote for fun (i agree that someone who was professionally criticisng me like my boss should do it in private) thanks for taking the time to read my story. it;s my first so i do expect that more advanced writers like yourself would have a lot to say about it. i look foward to your critique and improving my story based upon your notes as well as stories to come.

again thanks for taking the time to read it

Not sure WMM did get through it there Joey, I can say I couldn't (sorry)

The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

[URL=http://www.lushstories.com/stories/reluctance/the-night-that-changed-my-life-1.aspx][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/WPPsy.jpg[/IMG][/URL]

9 Oct 2011

ok so given that many couldn;t get througgh my story i would love it if you could tell me why i want to improve i look up to both of you as writers

8 Nov 2011

Quote by Mistress_of_words

I have a story published on Lush which used a somewhat experimental style and was not as well received as some of my other stories. I'd love to hear what people really think of the format which switches between 1st person and 3rd person.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/festival-fever-1.aspx

I'm not sure how helpful my critique will be given that I loved the style. It really drove home the chaos of the scene and pushed the tempo along quickly which is what I think you were going for. In the eyes of the average reader, however, I think the rapid fire perspective changes may have been confusing or disorienting.
If I were you I'd give it another try with a little longer narratives between perspective changes. I wouldn't want to go too much longer as that would destroy the original tone but I do think there is a happy medium you could reach.

8 Nov 2011

Quote by bigguns
ok so given that many couldn;t get througgh my story i would love it if you could tell me why i want to improve i look up to both of you as writers

Your second paragraph should be split into two paragraphs.

I hate the use of the word "boner." That is a personal preference but one I'm sure many on here share.

You repeated the same description of Illana's bikini twice.

The wall of dialogue later in the story has to be interrupted with at least some narrative.

Your characters swing back and forth in thoughts and actions with very little justification. As a writer you seem to be like a God pushing your characters into what you want but you would be better off letting the characters drive the story or at least leading the characters to the situation you want them in instead of pushing.

The end with the tease for the next chapter is very cheesy which would be fine if the rest of the story was in a fun, cheesy tone but it isn't.

Also you use too many adjectives that slow the story down. I won't claim that some writers don't pull off very precise descriptiveness but most of us don't have the gift and vague can often be better anyway. The reader's imagination will often fill in details better than we ever could.

I hope this is helpful and doesn't sound too pessimistic. You do have a story here and my biggest advice would be to slow down and let things develop. You seem to be rushing to get to the sex. And yes, that advice will sound very ironic if you read any of my stories.

8 Nov 2011

Okay since I had a go at a couple of stories I would like someone to have a go at a couple of mine.

This first is my first attempt at romantic erotic writing and I don't know if I handled it well. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
http://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/soft-strength.aspx

This second is my most read and best received story here at lush but I would like to make it better. Specifically, and this is a concern with all of my stories, I would like to know if my female characters are believable and not one dimensional but again any feedback is appreciated.
http://www.lushstories.com/stories/oral-sex/nBLxdOy8Mw8RONgN

thank you all.

14 Nov 2011

Quote by Mistress_of_words
While the comments system in Lush is great for letting people know what you think of their story it's often hard to be honest without hurting people's feelings, especially since the comments can be viewed by anyone who reads the story.

***
I have a story published on Lush which used a somewhat experimental style and was not as well received as some of my other stories. I'd love to hear what people really think of the format which switches between 1st person and 3rd person.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/festival-fever-1.aspx

Mistress of words, you are one of my favorite authors, but I feel this is not your best. I am a "normal" reader and i was somewhat confused in the beginning, (Was the First to Third person the same person?). Once I understood it, I felt the first person should have been in italics and the third person in normal font. Why, I don't know, but for me italics are reserved for thoughts and speech.
Other than that, I loved the story, the quick pace, the frenzied passion blending into the moment.

15 Nov 2011

MIstress, I think you did a good job with this one. I liked the changing point of view, and I liked the way it seemed to capture some of the intensity of a concert. I gave it a four, instead of a five, because there was little or no character development. I really was torn, though, because it is clar this story wasn't written with the intention of examining relationships; it was intended as a description of a casual chance sexuakl encounter between strangers.

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster

16 Nov 2011

Quote by FtLMale

Mistress of words, you are one of my favorite authors, but I feel this is not your best. I am a "normal" reader and i was somewhat confused in the beginning, (Was the First to Third person the same person?). Once I understood it, I felt the first person should have been in italics and the third person in normal font. Why, I don't know, but for me italics are reserved for thoughts and speech.
Other than that, I loved the story, the quick pace, the frenzied passion blending into the moment.

@FtL - How can someone be on here and be "normal"? Seems to me that is one of those dichotomies right upnthere with military music, or military justice. . icon_smile

Ok guys - WHat should I have done differently in this one? http://www.lushstories.com/stories/first-time/so-i-asked-do-you-trust-me.aspx

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster

23 Nov 2011

DLizze,
OK, so I am not "normal" and for that matter, neither are my friends here "normal"; or they wouldn't be my friends. violent1

As you already know, i loved the story. Would I change anything? Yes, but I don't know what...
I still suffer from typical male stupidity of understanding women; but I feel that women frequently enjoy "Control" over men. Usually they express this on Lush by describing why they like giving BJ's.
But here she is, already having control but wanting to "Fuck with his head". I am still trying to fathom the motivation behind the "Master/Slave" relationship, and don't understand how this fits in the Dominate Cortex.
I felt she had insecurity issues, thus the need for the "Master" relationship, as well as the "Do You Trust Me" aspect.
But where did the desire to fuck with his head come from?

Then the story shifts, and we see her desire to be the sub; to wear his collar.
I am naive in these relationships so I can't judge, but I didn't know that Master/Slave relationships have role swaps.

Ok, I still loved the story, full of emotion and desires; but sometimes the "normal" student needs some tutoring... study

23 Nov 2011

She was afraid to commit. Her deciding to "fuck with his head" (and her expressing it in those terms) gave her a sense of control, and an ability to, if necessary walk away, and say, "It was just play. We had fun." She does not have to admit in her heart that she has feelings for him, and therefore can't be hurt. I was trying to convey her agnst about conveying trust, and the inherrent implied commitment.

I am not "in the lifestyle' so can't truly speak to the Dom(me)/sub relationship, but believe it to be a delicate balance. The Dom(me) excercises control, but really it is the sub who has ultimate control. The Dom(me) constantly strives, out of senses of both duty and respect , to give the sub what he/she needs. The sub trusts the Dom(me) to read signals, and the Dom(me) trusts the sub to give them. So, ultimately, it is the sub who decides how much of whatever is going on should be done, and when it needs to stop.

In this story, it is she who needs reassurrance; in effect, although he is bound, she is the sub. It is through his trust in her, that she feels she can trust him. Because of his willingness to be the first to convey trust, he is the emotionally stronger of the two.

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster