The name is Ouettecunte: Jane Ouettecunte. A highly distinguished old Saxon name, I am told by my husband. Mine was Bloggs; so you could say I have married into pedigree – and it suits me. Ouettecunte is, of course, the Norman bastardisation: the Wettkunts were a noble Wessex family who curried favour with the invaders and were granted a bishopric in perpetuity in what was then called Wiltshire. So they are terribly respe...

The name’s Ouettecunte: Carl Ouettecunte. You’ve met my slut of a wife already, I believe. And my two wonderful fuck-brained children, Jack and Claire, of whom I am very proud. I am a small businessman. That is, my business is small, not me. And nor is my cock, as I think Jane has already mentioned. I run an agency providing fuckers to local businesses – a small but personalised service, highly respected locally, includin...

The name’s Ouettecunte: Jack Ouettecunte. Now, I know what you’re thinking: that’s kind of a cunty name for a guy, isn’t it? I mean, how about something a bit more masculine, like “Jack Hammer”, or “Jack Screw”, or even “Jack McDickoff”? Actually, I like to jack my dick off. But I hardly ever get a chance, because either Mum or Claire always does it for me. Tough, huh? The only time I get to stroke my own dick is when I’m...

Hey fuckers! The name’s Ouettecunte: Claire Ouettecunte. But I think you know that already, right? This story is all about me, see: me and my pretty wet cunt – isn’t that totally fucking? So, Mom and Dad and Jack have at last allowed me to write a chapter. It was hard persuading them. They think I’m a bit dumb. But I think I’m just smart in different ways from them. They complain that I can’t spell or write proper English...