Calling all lovers of Kipling, or Australia, or just fucking in general! I think you will enjoy this short ridiculous tribute to one of the greatest storytellers of the British Empire, and one of the greatest countries in said Commonwealth:
The Sing-Song of Little Dick Gangurru
It is, as they say, Just So.
😜
Quote by naughtyannie
Oh that's so clever, Grusha. But now I can never read "The Waste Land" again!
I have that problem with all the parodies I write: now I can't read Eliot, or cummings, or The Hobbit, or the Poetic Eddas - or listen to the Enigma Variations - without thinking of my X-rated version. Or, come to think of it, Pride and Prejudice after reading your version. Ah, it's a hard life being a fuck-obsessed intellectual...
Quote by Banes1
Banes1, is this girl for real? Either way, do you know who she is, please? Thanks!
... then you might enjoy these two (very respectful) X-rated parodies:
to e e cummings: in (Fuck)- spring
to T. S. Eliot: The Wasted Cunt
Have fun!
Grusha
Quote by Piquet
Wonderfully expressive Grusha. I can't see anyone objecting to these if you posted them. Nicely done and, as I've said before, this is light-years removed from my own work and for that reason, I value the experience of having read it.
You are very kind, Pete. "Can't see anyone objecting"? See my response to ChrisM above/below...
Quote by ChrisM
Yes, I am a fan. The Waste Land has long been one of my favorites. Why not pub-ish these, though I can imagine many mods would scratch their heads, wondering what to do with them.
You are too kind, Chris! I tried to publish the e e cummings one, but the mods said it was "confusing" and "more derogatory than erotic", and asked for several changes. So I made the changes, whereupon they said it "didn't fit the category". So I offered to change the category, but they said there was no other suitable option. So I gave up, and put it here. And then I didn't even bother to ask about the Eliot one. Sic transit gloria mundi.
Quote by armagnac
That is a fucktastic rendering.
I wish you haven't skipped the game of chess, what happened to her in the chair she sat in...
Perhaps some other time, in yet another fantasy.
Thanks, Armagnac. Yes, I had to make some difficult choices. "The chair she sat in" was particularly tempting - especially in view of this lovely scene, from c. the 2-minute mark:
https://www.eporner.com/video-66YMwlEEPKJ/big-titted-fetish-slut-eaten-dped-facialed-ao/
Maybe, as you say, another time.
The Wasted Cunt
.
‘Nam Sibyllam quidem Cumis ego ipse oculis meis vidi in ampulla pendere, et cum illi pueri dicerent: Σίβυλλα τί θέλεις; respondebat illa: fuck off, you pathetic wankers.’
.
April is the cruellest bitch, whipping
Male flesh till it bleeds, pegging
Memory and asshole, stirring
Warm jizz with spring piss.
.
May made me horny, showing
Her gash gleaming hot with slime.
.
Summer surprised me, coming all over Stan Bergersey
With a shower of squirt.
Bin gar keine Schlampe…
.
‘How tastes the slime that dribbles, the juices that flow
From my frothing cunt? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know me only
As a heap of filthy images, to which to beat your dick,
And your fake fuckery gives no shelter. Only
There is pleasure in my pink cunt, if only you would
(Come into the warmth of my pink cunt).
And I could show you pleasure, with a handful of tit.’
.
Unreal titties.
.
‘My cunt is wet tonight. Yes, wet. Eat me.
Fuck me. Why do you never fuck me?’
.
Because we are in fap alley
Where the gooner has lost his boner.
.
‘What is that noise?’
My fist around my soft dick.
‘What is that noise now? What is your dick doing?’
Fuck all just fuck all.
.
‘HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME!’
Oh fuck
.
Goonight April. Goonight May. Goonight June.
Good night, ladies, good night, sweet ladies, good night, good night.
.
Twit twit twit
Jug jug jug jug jug jug
Fap fap fap fap
So rudely forc’d.
Squelch
.
Unreal titties.
.
(At the violet hour,
I, a young man carbuncular, arrived,
The time was now propitious, I guessed,
Endeavoured to engage her tits in caresses
Her hairy pussy with a grope.
She bestowed one peremptory slap,
Humiliated, I groped my way, finding the stairs unlit …
.
By Richmond I stroked my cock
Supine on the floor.)
.
I can connect
Nothing with nothing. For I am
.
Burning burning burning burning
.
Here is no cunt but only cock
My cock and no cunt
If there were cunt I should stop and fuck it
But I cannot stop or think
.
Unreal
.
Then spoke the thunder
FUCK
Fuck me:
By this, and this only, have I existed:
blood swelling my cock
.
FUUUCK
Fuck you:
In my empty room
I have heard no key
Thinking of the key confirms a prison
.
FUUUCCCKKK
Fuck it:
My cock responds
Gaily, to my hand expert, beating meat obedient
Hieronymo’s horny againe.
Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck it.
Cunty cunty cunty
Quote by JamesLlewellyn
Hmmm… It's hard to improve on a masterpiece. Or even a Mastered–piece…
I daresay I have not improved on e e cummings, James. But glad to have provided some amusement...
Quote by Ensorceled
lustIs also great
And would be a must.
Lust is indeed a must, Jeff. Great minds...
Quote by Piquet
Very nice Grusha. Innovative and loaded with raw sensuality. Might have been a tad longer but I love reading work that allows my mind to ascend (or descend) to places where it is not normally apt to go. For that, I commend you.
I think you are complimenting e e cummings, actually, Pete, not me. But that's as it should be!
Quote by armagnac
If I permit myself to rephrase another American poet and writer, looks like you've been bitten by the poetry bug. Good cummings, my firend, good cummings. Just keep it up!
Perhaps I just like parody, Armagnac... as do you, apparently. Thank you!
Quote by ChrisM
An EE Cummings aficionado, I see. Well done.🤣
Thank you, Chris!
in (Fuck)- spring
.
in (Fuck)-
spring
when her cunt is fuck-
luscious
.
the little-
dicked voyeur perv watches and
strokes his
cock
oh fuck
.
while eddieandbill rough-
fuckher spit-
roasther deep-
throather
.
‘cause it’s
spring
and her slit is Slimy-
wonderful
.
and the pervy
old voyeur jerks his
cock harder
fuck yeah
.
and johnnyandhismates DP
her TP
her gang-
bangher hate-
fuckher
.
and it’s
spring
and
.
the
pathetic small-
dicked voyeur
loser is (e e)
cumming
Hard
.
and
.
fuuuck…
All fifteen chapters of How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus are at last up on Lush! This is my second full-length novel in the Alison universe (not counting shorter sequels and prequels like Claire’s Cunt Kitchen, Young Cunts, and A Ouettecunte Family Affair). And no, you don’t have to like smoking, or love Jesus, to appreciate it, because it is, according to its readers, simultaneously
FILTHY: “Jesus fucking Christ this was hot … made me cum so hard!” (Phil1977)
FUNNY: “wit and anarchic humour … hilarious and captivating … had me in fits of laughter” (Piquet) / “wonderfully witty … I’m laughing from beginning to end – it reminds me of the Marx Brothers at their very best.” (12oclocktales)
and FILOSOFICAL: “this blasphemous satire exposing the hypocrisy of our modern society … another thought-provoking chapter from your prophetic imagination” (sandy2moon)
FINALLY, the novel is about a lovely young lady who, buffeted by tensions and challenges of teenage life both ordinary and extraordinary – school, teachers, rivals, friends, fuckbuddies, parents, future in-laws – is seeking her way towards self-realisation in an “Enlightened” sex-crazed world. And of course, she triumphs!
So, give Harriet a go: she won’t disappoint!
"Did you ever do it to Ravel's Boléro?" asks Bo Derek in "10". Good question, as that piece must surely be one of the most orgasmic in the classical music repertoire - whether your preferred rendering is that of the 1979 movie, or of Torvill & Dean's 1984 scorching Winter Olympics performance, or even just "neat".
Alternatively, you could just read Chapter Fourteen of How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus, which begins with some slow plucked violas and cellos, and a quiet but driving rhythm on the snare drum, building all the way to the inevitable crashing E-major-modulating orgasm.
Alternatively, of course, just find your favourite fuck-buddy, pop Boléro on the speakers, and try it out for yourselves.
In neither enterprise will you be disappointed, I promise...
"Did you ever do it to Ravel's Boléro?" asks Bo Derek in "10". Good question, as that piece must surely be one of the most orgasmic in the classical music repertoire - whether your preferred rendering is that of the 1979 movie, or of Torvill & Dean's 1984 scorching Winter Olympics performance, or even just "neat". And so, Chapter Fourteen of How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus begins thus:
"As the music started, softly at first, just some slow plucked violas and cellos, and a quiet but driving rhythm on the snare drum, the spot widened to reveal Harriet in a pink bikini, her large breasts straining against her top, her body slowly writhing in cunt-dripping anticipation... A solo flute had begun to play, its melody sinuous and sensual, winding its way slowly downwards over the mechanical fuck-beat of the snare. Harriet’s hands echoed the melody, curling, stroking, squeezing her genetically modified tits through her bikini top, then releasing them so that her swollen nipples protruded proudly over the cups."
And so it continues - to the inevitable crashing E-major-modulating orgasm.
Or does it? Read here to find out.
Alternatively, of course, just find your favourite fuck-buddy, pop Boléro on the speakers, and try it out for yourselves.
In neither enterprise will you be disappointed, I promise...
It is time for the national Smoke-'n'-Fuck competition, and Harriet and her team are ready to do battle! But competition is stiff - from eroticists Sasha & Masha, throatslut Victoria, and the well-bred and decidedly superior double-analist Clytemnestra Ffuckes-Dyckes ("Clytty" to her friends). But will it be a fair competition? Or does Harriet sense a traitor in their midst? Find out in How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck: Chapter Thirteen: Traitors in Our Midst.
After the jealousy, shame, and hypocrisy of Chapter Eleven, how on earth will Harriet be reconciled with Mikey? Find out in the life-changing, redemptive, climactic, and (almost) faithfully biblical Chapter Twelve of How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus: And Behold, There Ran Out Piss From Under the Right Side of the Temple.
In the words of 12oclocktales, it is "another fantastic chapter! The way you went back and forth between Janey’s conversion, as stunning and breathtaking as Saul’s on the road to Damascus, to Harriet’s redemptive understanding concerning the horrors of monogamy was really quite brilliant. The threeway at the end, which in lesser hands would have come across as merely Hallmarky, to me was truly inspiring. But that last surprising line of the chapter: Whaaaaaaat! OMG and WTF!!"
Well, if that doesn't tempt you, nothing will. So go on, give it a go - and you may find yourself, like Janey, glubbing "AWWEWUJAH, AWWEWUJAH!" as you cum...
Ladies, how would you react if you found out your fiancé had been eating your bestie's pussy in his spare time? I mean, really, how would you react? Well, Harriet is an Enlightened girl, devoted - as any well-brought-up 2049 slut should be - to free-fucking in all its forms; so how do you think she might react?
The latest chapter of How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus is up now, entitled How Many Times Exactly Did He Eat Your Cunt? (Well that's a question worth asking, don't you think...? Could make all the difference...) 😉
How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus is turning into such a soppy love story! I mean, just listen to Harriet and Mikey now:
"You know how to put things into perspective, don't you, Mikey?" Harriet giggled, as, cum-faced and wreathed in smoke, she licked semen off her fingers and stubbed out her damp cummy cigarette butt in her overflowing ashtray.
"It's easy to see things in perspective when I'm with you, Harriet," replied Michael. And he meant it in more ways than one, adding, "Can I draw your asshole now?"
This sounds like a relationship meant to last, doesn't it? But will it? The latest chapter is up now.
Piquet says, of How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus, "This had me in fits of laughter yet again... pure poetry." Well, Chapter Nine has now made it to the top of the queue: Harriet's smoking ambitions are growing - but is she good enough to qualify for this summer's Smoke-'n-Fuck national competition? (Readers of the Lush classic Alison Goes to London already know the answer to that question, of course - but have a read to find out where it all started!)
Well, the title of the latest chapter of How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus is Stick That Butt in My Butt - which perhaps gives you an inkling of some of its subject matter. Once again, this novel seems to attract both thinkers and wankers - and I love them both! Which of the following is which, do you think?
"Jesus motherfucking Christ another great chapter... hotter than fuck!" (Phil1977)
"a world gone mad... a regression to teenage rebellion... where we're heading if we don't wake up" (sandy2moon)
"Priceless! Another gem of a chapter! " (12oclocktales)
Remember that feeling when you had to meet your boyfriend/girlfriend's parents for the first time? Harriet, being a lovely well brought-up fuckslut, is quite looking forward to it. But Michael is really not keen to introduce her to his mother. Find out why in
Be honest, have you ever wished that you might meet someday meet someone else who totally gets your fetish? I mean, totally? How often does that really happen?
Well, Harriet is in luck: to find out how, do read the latest chapter of How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus: it's heart-warming, romantic and mushy-as-cunt. Enjoy!
Here are some readers' comments on How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus: Chapter Five: Cum-Faced Smoking Fuckslut:
"another thought-provoking chapter from your prophetic imagination" (sandy2moon)
"deep philosophizing regarding the nature of addiction... Happiness and misery, fulfilment and emptiness, living healthy and looking sexy, all of these mixed up in a jumble – life’s eternal concerns being hashed over by our heroine" (12oclocktales)
"My cock jerked and jerked and shot rope after rope of sinful cum!" (Phil 1977)
So, whether you are a thinker or a wanker, this is the story for you! (And really, you don't have to like smoking...) 😇
"Jesus fuck, I am such a filthy smoking cunt-whore..." Once upon a time Harriet might have felt a little embarrassed at describing herself in such self-aggrandising terms, but her fetish-addiction has changed all that.
Dear Reader, if you have ever had trouble maintaining your sense of self-worth in the face of your fetish - whatever its flavour - you will find solace in this chapter:
How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus: Chapter Four: "Smoking Tobacco May Be Beneficial for Your Health"
"I’m gonna open up this virgin packet of cigs, I’m gonna fucking deflower it, today – oh God fuck!" moans Harriet with desire and anticipated pleasure. But will the reality match her expectations? Or will learning to smoke-and-fuck be harder than she thinks? Find out in
How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus: Chapter Three: Gonna Lose My Smoking Virginity
- up now, and smoking hot!
All that glitters is not "gold" - which explains why How Harriet Learnt to Smoke and Fuck and Love Jesus is inevitably going to take a looong time to come out here on Lush. But it makes up for it in sheer crazy horniness, as readers have said:
"the humor so off-the-cuff fresh and invigorating I’m laughing from beginning to end – it reminds me of the Marx Brothers at their very best" (12oclocktales)
"blasphemous satire exposing the hypocrisy of our modern society... I am impressed, and well done" (sandy2moon)
"Jesus fuck... made my filthy sinful cock so hard!" (Phil1977)
Chapter Two: The Very Fucking Time of Night is out now. Really, you don't have to like smoking to like this story; in fact, please note this chapter's distinctively Shakespearean flavour... 😇
