His name was Totsi
And he had wet pants,
pursed,
chapped,
woodwind-player lips;
a double-jointed elbow,
and so much pubic hair,
that it peeked out the top of his diapers
that he wore under his underwear.
___
His name was Totsi.
He liked blowing up balloons
and shoving them under his shirt
to pretend he had tits.
___
He always came when I
used train words while riding his dick.
It’s how I earned the title ‘Conductor’.
And he was my cute, crinkly, caboose.
___
His name was Totsi
I called him that,
the 40 years, that,
we were together…
Not married.
Just together.
He’d seen how the
corrupted legal system
destroyed love
and refused to lose me
to an institution.
___
Instead …
…we played ‘Hey Jude’
and fucked in a graveyard
atop the grave
of the longest-married couple
buried together that
we could find that day.
___
We had to do a lot of walking.
___
But …
___
After he came…
… he told me if I ever wanted to break up…
We'd do it again except, to the song ‘Hey There Delilah’ instead.
___
His name was Totsi.
He collected protocol portions
and fragments of etiquette
like collector cards
like songs on a playlist
like stray junk on a very long walk.
He’s got the eyes of a Magpie
…and pronounces the word ‘Missouri’ like Miss Ouri.
___
All. The. Time.
___
Never told me why.
___
But he said in passing - often -
the unverified personal gnosis stories of
being bound to a State
and it makes me wonder…
…if it was her.
And why he never wants to come to
St. Louis to visit my family.
And why
I can see the ghosts in his eyes
when I mention Kansas City.
___
His name was Totsi.
His name was Totsi.
His name … was Totsi.
___
Except it wasn’t.
Not really.
And he wasn’t just a caboose
or a fetishist who figured out the long way
route to my heart, the shortcut paths that
someone who's been around the bend
can find cos they know terrain, cos
they can sense where the backroads hide
Like the scent of smoke or storms in the air.
___
I don’t know a damn thing about him.
___
Except that he always came
when I blew a train whistle
while squeezing my cunt around his cock.
___
Except that he wore diapers
under his boxers and
stared at graveyards the way
other people stare at old photos
- full of memory and distance,
hope and despair.
Anguish and Anticipation.
___
Except that he avoids one state
the way people avoid entire zodiac signs
once someone who has it breaks their heart.
___
His name wasn’t Totsi,
but in the Name of the Wild, Wet, and Weird
That is the one single name that has
graffiti tagged itself across every cavity
of my heart and I am stuck
…stranded in this epoch of my life
Like a car on the side of the road,
and no matter how many times
I turn the ignition to move on
The engine just won’t start.
