The frozen mud gave no comfort as we ran, with our dog Garcia slowly trailing behind. I still loved the beach at that early time of day. But in that winter weather what had been peaceful, became lonely, and what was serene, had become disturbed.
I was eager to feel the welcome comfort of the car. We didn’t linger, no words were spoken as we finished our work out. We had just simply got into my car, and drove silently home.
Things had changed between us over the last few weeks. Our house had been our own private love den over the past three years, but no more. We were no longer in the honeymoon period. We lost something, or maybe so many things. We no longer fought, there was no need anymore. We had, not over the petty or small things that were forgotten in a minute. But something important, for both of us.
***
The evenings had been getting colder, and I arrived home from university in the darkness each day. Christmas was just around the corner. Dean’s two boys had come to stay for the week. Over the last few years the age difference issues had thankfully faded. The boys were happy, and we were too. I was never treated like an evil stepmother, more like a friend. It had started our then comfortable routine. My parents had now accepted that Dean was in my life and wouldn’t be going anywhere.
I entered the house to the smell of testosterone and pizza. Jayden and Tain had a group of their friends over. They were all slipped over the sofas and floors. They’d focused on the TV as their game continued.
“Hi Jane,” Tain shouted louder than usual. I thought, most likely to make the others aware of my arrival. I’d heard a few comments their friends had made before.
“Hi Tain, how are you guys doing?” I said dropping my bags by the door and kicking off my shoes.
“Good. Do you know what time my Dad’s back tonight?” Jay questioned me, while turning around in his seat to ask.
“He said he would be a little late, because of this new client. I’m guessing around seven-ish,” I said carrying a few shopping bags out into the kitchen. The kitchen counter was a mess. It was littered with empty pizza boxes and the contents of the fridge. Used glasses and dirty dishes were mixed in like an added decoration. I heaved a sigh and placed the bags on the floor. I reached into the cupboard, but found no clean glasses.
“Jay! Tain!” I shouted and I rinsed through one of the cleaner looking glasses. I filled it with the last dribbles of orange juice from the carton, as they walked into the kitchen.
“The mess?” Jay asked as he opened one of the boxes, and then stuffed half the pizza slice in his mouth.
“Yes. Come on guys, I only cleaned this, this morning,” I explained walking around behind Jay. The smell of garlic and burnt onion knocked into me as I passed. My stomach flipped, and the glass slipped out my hand. I watched it happen. It free-fell slowly towards the tiled floor. It fractured before it burst, spilling its contents over the floor. I felt myself I start to sink and join it.
“Jane,” a voice called out from far away. My head was heavy and dragging me down. I felt the needles press into my feet.
“Jane!” The voice called again. I groaned in response as the needles withdrew, and my head fell back.
“Help me!” Jay’s voice said through the fog.
“We need to get her onto the sofa,” he continued as I started to push the fog away.
The soft suede fabric gave me something to cling onto; nausea rode through my body continuously. The boys were whispering about ringing an ambulance and Dean. I opened my eyes and sat up suddenly feeling the dizziness, but knowing it was unimportant right now. I couldn’t go to the hospital.
“No ambulance, and don’t ring your dad,” I said firmly.
“I was just a little light headed. If you can get me some juice I’ll be fine in a moment,” I finished. I’d almost wanted to laugh at the expression on all their faces. It was like, I was some alien that had just been dropped off.
Of course, after I’d made my way upstairs and laid down on the bed. They’d phoned Dean. I had been just sipping a little cranberry juice. I’d just been waiting until my head and stomach settled long enough for me to eat.
But I heard the sound of Dean’s car coming onto the drive way. The front door crashed open, just as I reached to put my glass on the bedside. With no more sound, other than his heavy steps on the stairs, Dean ran in towards me.
“What’s happened? The boys were worried. They said you fainted in the kitchen,” His eyes ran over my body as he questioned.
“I didn’t faint, I just got a little light headed is all,” I said smiling hoping to reassure him. “I missed lunch, and I only had time for a cereal bar before our run this morning,” I crossed my fingers under my pillow; I’d told the small white lie.
“We need to get you checked out,” he’s countered, grabbing his thick fishing jacket from the wardrobe.
“No, please Dean. I just need something to eat, and you,” I plead, pulling back the covers and inviting him inside. He frowned down at me, but slipped inside the bed to cuddle me against him.
“I was so worried,” He confessed as his fingers ran lightly through my hair. “I’ve never even seen you lightheaded. Not even when you have hardly eaten. Baby we need to find out what’s wrong.” I tensed knowing he wasn’t going to give this up.
“I know what’s wrong,” I whimpered as my head turned into his chest. I knew what his reaction was going to be. He was going to move away from me, both physically and in mentality. He would no longer touch me.
“I’m pregnant.” I choked out as a tear slipped from my eye, and landed on his chest.
“What! No, tell me you are joking!” He bellowed close to my ear, making my eyes water further.
“I’m not, I-, I found-, out last week,” hiccups interrupted my words, while he eased my body away from his.
“Fuck, Jane! I mean seriously, why didn’t you tell me?” His voice reached the point of anger as I curled up in a ball.
“I knew you would react like this,” I cried with the pain I felt at his reaction. He stood over me not saying a word, before he stormed out of the room.
I heard the sound of the boys questioning him. He didn’t answer them, other than simply ordered them ‘to get in the car’. The door slammed loudly behind them as Garcia jumped onto the bed. She curled up beside me, and listened to the pain filled sobs rush from my chest.
***
As soon as I came to a stop on the driveway, Dean jumped out of the car. It was our first weekend since my ‘surprise’, without his boys staying around. I don’t think either of us knew what to do. Before we would have sat watching movies, going out, and making love, but there was to be none of that.
We had discussed children before. He had been clear. He didn’t want more kids now, if ever. I was 19 at the time and I’d been okay with it. After all I had just started university, and we had only been living together for a few months. But now, it had happened anyway, we’d been so careful. I hadn’t even worked out if I wanted the baby, in all the fuss. I knew he didn’t believe in abortion, so any decisions were up to me.
As I entered the previously welcoming house, I couldn’t see Dean. I checked the rooms downstairs, before walking up the staircase. The bedroom was empty, but I looked down and found him in the pool . His body was moving so aggressively, every muscle on his back looked like it was pulled to the limit. He stopped a moment, catching his breath at the edge of the pool. He looked up to where I was standing watching, almost as if he felt my gaze. The closed expression on his face revealed, without words, his continued anger.
I stepped back unable to see that look, on the face of the person I loved. Without thought my body moved, stripping the sweat wet clothes from my body. I didn’t bother with a shower, simply grabbed my thick winter dress. I had worn it the previous evening, and now put it on again. My fingers fumbled as I tried to keep my emotions at bay, while zipping up my knee height boots.
I stared out at the room before I made my decision. I jarred open the wardrobe and collected some clothes. I continued walking around the room, throwing clothes on the bed. I grabbed the bare essentials, before pushing them into an old gym bag. I couldn’t have stayed there, at that moment. I couldn’t live with this person I no longer knew.
“Jane?” Dean’s voice questioned behind me making me stop, and turn towards him. He looked confused as if it was a surprise. But my body ignored everything that had happened and just wanted him. He was perfect in my heart from head to toe. Not even the hurt could stop my desire for him, to be with him. His chest was still wet from the pool. Droplets fell from the dark hair down his chest, over the flat pane of his stomach. The towel that circled his slim hips stole the moisture, but my eyes continued to watch.
“Jane?” he asked again. The look in his blue eyes showed a slight flare of emotion, before he covered it. Droplets beaded in my eyes, as I took in a slow steadying breath before replying.
“Yes,” I answered, and turned back to the bag, annoyed at my body for betraying me.
“What’s the bag for?” I felt more than heard his steps, as he drew closer.
“I’m going to stay at my parent’s house for awhile,” I stated with a barely controlled voice. I moved away from him, contemplating if this was the right thing to do. He followed me into the bathroom, and stood in the doorway. He silently watched me grab my things. I approached the doorway, and him, but he didn’t move.
“When were you going to tell me this?” he asked bracing himself in the doorway, locking me into the bathroom. I didn’t want to get his temper going by giving an honest reply.
“I think it would be best, if we have some time apart,” My nerves barely holding as I look up into his eyes, and will myself not to cry.
“You’re leaving me? You’re pregnant with my child,” he barked and my patience and restraint breaks.
“You think I don’t know that! That I don’t see the anger and resentment every time you look at me.
