04/20/---C

I dreamt I made out with EK.  It felt so good.  There wasn't any action around where the legs split off; though my leg did start to wrap around his.  I no [know] he isn't thin.  And he has turned into a real rebel now.  If my friends knew I like him they would think I'm desperate like Vicky.  I haven't liked EK for that long.  Physical touch... This was just a dream, but God... I don't care who it fucking is.  I want touch...

05/06/---C

You know Mom's starting to suspect I am not such a good little girl anymore.  Took her long enough.  It really kinda hurts me though as I connect what she's talked about as the bad effects of a small town with how I act together.  I'm that girl who's willing to throw myself at a boy I only partly like and be unhappy when I get him.  I go a step further than mom with her theory, the reason why I do this is because I crave physical touch.  I want sex.  I want it so badly I can hardly stand it.  I can't do that though.  I can't. 

05/20/---C

I am so proud of myself, instead of craving sex in general I have it down to one person.*  I dream I make out with him every night.  

*[first name was footnoted at the bottom of the page in tiny writing]

Birth date/---C 

Happy birthday, Lamb.  Sure whatever.  My period started yesterday...
I felt so lonely in school today. I didn't tell everyone it was my birthday, but even when they did find out everyone except Big Bear and Annie A. just said happy birthday and that was it.  Annie A. was really nice today.  I don't know why; she's usually a bitch.  Sometimes I have problems with Big Bear, however, he can realize every once in a while I need a kind word.  Still at the ending of the first period I really wish I could have a hug from that one special person.

*[full name was footnoted again]

He got his hair cut, at first it was a shock, but it isn't bad.  It looks better at the back.  I want him, I love him, I long to be near him.  This is more dangerous then wanting sex in general because it is more likely to happen.  

Day after my Birthday ---C

I want him. I want him so bad. Why do I want him? I spent the evening socializing with other choir people. I thought of a new way to do what? I lost my train of thought. I was just thinking how I feel like that one Beatles song. [I Want You].

I want to kiss you. I want to make out with you. I want to lick your face. I want to smear my body against you. I want to sleep with you naked. I want to want to hang my breasts just in front of your face till you come up to suck them. I want to wrap myself around you like a stripper around a pole. I want to take your dick, kiss it all around and take it inside my mouth. I want to have sex with you. I want to wake up in the morning and see you in the bed with me, kiss you good morning, and get you up, make breakfast just for two.

I'm not sure anything I've written in the past ten years is as hot as that last journal entry.  It was written before I had ever been kissed and before I had ever had anything remotely resembling a boyfriend.  I had never seen porn, outside of a single still frame picture I found in the bathroom. The picture was of a woman bent down with a man inside her that one of my brothers must have left in the bathroom.  

Up until this point, I had pretended and thought that the types of guys I liked were conventionally attractive guys.  I measured potential boyfriends against a list in my head that I never transcribed into my journal, which should have been my first clue it was nonsense.  I wanted someone taller than me, older than me, physically adept, muscularly solid over skinny, and whom I could connect to with games, movies, or conversations.  Basically, I described my brother Edmund and his teammates. I was never attracted to my brother, although his teammates I certainly had fantasized about.  However, those dreams were always in group settings.  Hollywood heartthrobs I recognized objectively as attractive rarely attracted me.  

The biggest male celebrity that gets me hot and bothered is actually Sean Kingston.  In the music video for "Take You There" he had that heavy set frame, thick without being obese, that I have discovered I naturally gravitate towards.  The Jamaican accent didn't hurt either.  

EK was at my height when this crush occurred, though he grew to a couple of inches higher.  He had brown hair and white skin like mine and he had a sense of humor.  The kicker though was that his body type.  He was a solid chunk of man, but I wouldn't describe him as muscular.  For all I've liked this body type forever, I still have a hard time describing.  The terms "husky" and "heavyset" are the closest by definition, but as those descriptors can be tacked on a wide array of bigger men.  It is heavier than a "dad-bod" but it is not truly obese.  Rectangular comes up as I scour google for a good descriptor and that fits how his thick shoulders drop down to a thick body beneath. 

Although I did date and fuck skinny guys, that tended to be more about opportunity than attractiveness. 

The people that have really made my heart beat have all been those thicker frames.  They've been different heights.  They've been different races.  They've been playful, serious, or intense.  EK, Big Bear, and a boy I'll call Rockstar all had it.  So did my first real kiss, my husband, and my muse who has spent ten years trying to claw me away from my husband.  The only thing they all had in common is that body width and the fact that when I hung out with them regularly I ended up wanting more.