How to be a man

Quote by trinket
How to be a man 101.

Sit on couch for hours watching tv, holding a beer.

Keep other hand free to:-
Scratch balls every 10 mins,
Pick up the remote,
Slide hand into front of shorts to play with balls every 15 mins.

Have tv volume at max.

Belch extremely loudly after every huge gulp of beer.

Fart loudly after every belch then laugh like a kid.

Avoid conversation with anyone unless it’s to ask your SO to bring you another beer or ask where your dinner is.

Especially avoid any conversations regarding commitment within your relationship. Drastic measures may have to be undertaken here, like “told the boys I’d go for a drink “ as you walk out the door.

When SO says “we need to talk”, say “ok” then maintain eye contact until they have finished telling you what your faults are. You will never ever argue with this. You will never win.

Do not go to the doctor. Ever. Or at least until your ailment has developed into a life threatening condition.

When first signs of sickness are detected, immediately go to bed and call out to your SO every 5 minutes because you want water, or to tell SO you feel like you’re dying.

Assure SO you can fix that leaky tap, dishwasher, car, TV etc then either never do it or leave them more broken than before.

If assisting SO with chores, ensure you do these to a very poor standard so SO will never ask for your help with chores again.

When SO asks “does this outfit make me look fat?” You will ALWAYS say “absolutely not, in fact it’s perfect.” NEVER use the words “slim, slimming, or slimmer, big, bigger or biggest”.

When SO asks you to go to the store for milk you will go directly to the store then directly home. There will be NO deviating to the pub, mates place or shiny things.

When an attractive person walks by you and SO, you will not look at them and if you do get caught looking you will say “will you have a look at the fat ass on that.”

Quote by UltimatePleasures
Since this topic has been requested by a few....

Be charming: Of course, sweetie.

Be honest: That makes your thighs look like those balloons in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, but I do like the way that blouse shows your tits.

Be on time: Which is 37:16 minutes sooner than your wife will be ready

Be open: What do you mean, a couples baby shower? Seriously?

Savor what they have to offer: Oh, yes, and lick my balls too, while you're down there.

Be genuine: Just because some goobers on TV are wearing skin tight-high water Pee wee Herman suits, doesn't mean I'm going to. No way I'm wearing those ball squeezing trousers.

Be unique: Shit! That asshole has on the same Braves cap as I do.

Be respectful: Yes dear, of course dear

Forgive easily while never holding a grudge: I'm sorry I punched your ex-bf in the nose.

Listen.... Did you say something, dear?

Cherish each and every moment: That's impossible when one's football team loses.

Be kind.... Well, treating your wife like she's the empress of the universe is the smart thing to do. And yes, true compassion and generosity feeds your own soul, as well as the souls of others.

Speak from your heart: That's not a problem.

Quote by noll

FYI: Married with Children was just a comedy show, not some course.

Quote by Buz


Truth be told, humor and kindness is the way to a woman's heart.

Quote by GraceW
A real man calls you a fat pig.
A real man reminds you, you weren't a fat pig when he married you.
A real man tells you, you are a waste of protoplasm.
A real man punches you in the stomach so the neighbours don't see bruises.
If you obeyed a real man he would not need to punish you.
A real man tells you to fuck anyone he says.
A real man tells you to look like you enjoy fucking his drunk buddies.
A real man says you are no good for anything else so keep fucking his friends.
A real man hates women.
If you try to take a real man's kids he will kill you.
A real man has the right to kill you, at any time, for any reason.
You are lucky to have a real man.

#2, the shit was a real man.

Quote by trinket



This list belongs on the “how to be a pathetic cunt” thread. I’m sorry this happened to you Grace.

Quote by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Quote by trinket



This list belongs on the “how to be a pathetic cunt” thread. I’m sorry this happened to you, Grace.

Quote by trinket
How to be a man 101.

Sit on couch for hours watching tv, holding a beer.

Keep other hand free to:-
Scratch balls every 10 mins,
Pick up the remote,
Slide hand into front of shorts to play with balls every 15 mins.

Have tv volume at max.

Belch extremely loudly after every huge gulp of beer.

Fart loudly after every belch then laugh like a kid.

Avoid conversation with anyone unless it’s to ask your SO to bring you another beer or ask where your dinner is.

Especially avoid any conversations regarding commitment within your relationship. Drastic measures may have to be undertaken here, like “told the boys I’d go for a drink “ as you walk out the door.

When SO says “we need to talk”, say “ok” then maintain eye contact until they have finished telling you what your faults are. You will never ever argue with this. You will never win.

Do not go to the doctor. Ever. Or at least until your ailment has developed into a life threatening condition.

When first signs of sickness are detected, immediately go to bed and call out to your SO every 5 minutes because you want water, or to tell SO you feel like you’re dying.

Assure SO you can fix that leaky tap, dishwasher, car, TV etc then either never do it or leave them more broken than before.

If assisting SO with chores, ensure you do these to a very poor standard so SO will never ask for your help with chores again.

When SO asks “does this outfit make me look fat?” You will ALWAYS say “absolutely not, in fact it’s perfect.” NEVER use the words “slim, slimming, or slimmer, big, bigger or biggest”.

When SO asks you to go to the store for milk you will go directly to the store then directly home. There will be NO deviating to the pub, mates place or shiny things.

When an attractive person walks by you and SO, you will not look at them and if you do get caught looking you will say “will you have a look at the fat ass on that.”