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marcosurbina

Over 90 days ago

Male, 75

Mexico

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30 Nov 2009

With magnets

One time I put two neodymium magnets on each side of my scrotum. They slammed together and the magnetic force was so tremendous I couldn't remove them without tools. I took two pairs of pliers and pulled like hell. They came off but I couldn't feel my sack until the next day, when it hurt like hell.

LOL

29 Nov 2009

13 Blondes and a Brunette

There are 13 blondes and a brunette hanging on a rope off Mount Everest. The rope is about to snap until a blonde says,"One of us has to let go for the rest of us to survive! Or else we'll all die!"

So the 13 blondes start arguing and start saying "you jump off!" "No you jump off!" So finally the brunette says,"Fine... I'll let go for the rest of you to live and make it up this mountain."

A second later, as all the blondes are so happy, they begin to clap.

&&&&&&&&&

At the Doctor

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger."

&&&&&&&&&&

BLONDE SUICIDE

A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?," the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

%%%%%%%%

A blonde was suspecting her husband was cheating on her. So one day, she decided to go home early. She opens the door and sees her husband all over another girl. The blonde pulls her gun out of her purse and points it to her head. The husband says, "No! Don't do that! I'm sorry!"

The blonde replys, "Shut up. You're next."

29 Nov 2009

Painting the human body, especially female nudes, has remained a favorite model for the artists since the primitive age. While choosing a model for the art, the artist of various fields does it for many purposes.

By selecting the female nude as model for their art-pieces, the artists desire to connect themselves with the viewers emotionally. The painters wish convey the exact feeling they encounter while looking at the nude object. But by selecting the body of, mostly as the base for depiction of their art, the painters always encounter difficulties attached with the complexity and stigma attached with figurative painting in general and painting women in particular.

'For goodness sake, Miss Pendleton, stop jiggling about!'

Would you dare to paint this beautiful nude, Shameless, along with bush?

29 Nov 2009

Lady's opinion:

* Our nipples tend to be very sensitive and connected to our sexual pleasure.... So sucking on them while getting aroused, or while our man is otherwise occupied pleasing us in other ways, the teasing, pinching, sucking, and licking of our own nipples gives us pleasure....

* I actually prefer to roll my nipples between my toes during sex

* I have a friend that can touch her left elbow with her left hand but she can't suck her own nipples

29 Nov 2009

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

%%%%%%%%%%

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

Little Johnny is praying the right way "I need a bike."

Sponges of all colors but black

28 Nov 2009

Shameless009 said: "and on rare ocassion I have found my job to be a shocking experience!"

Probably you mean the pussy is a shocking experience, Mr. Shameless009.

An electric shock occurs when a person comes into contact with an electrical energy source. Electrical energy flows through a portion of the body causing a shock. Exposure to electrical energy may result in no injury at all or may result in devastating damage or death.

28 Nov 2009

I'm Marcos' wife, Mr. Shameless. Now you pay attention, please. Ah, one thing which is pretty important: never get distracted as I am explaining those steps.

You might think that anyone who can read an instruction manual and follow directions could install a car seat. You're damn wrong, Mr. Shameless. In reality, it's not so easy. And according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, as many as 85 percent of all car seats are improperly installed by unskilled people like you.

In the following, I outline the most important factors for you to pay attention to and suggest where to turn for more help if you're confused. Well, you just turn to me!!

1. Never fit a rearward-facing baby seat in the front if there is an airbag on the passenger side of the car.
If the airbag went off it would strike the seat with considerable force.

2. Read and follow the manufacturer's instructions for fitting the seat. If you have lost the instructions, contact the child seat manufacturer to check if they can provide a copy.

3. Make sure the seatbelt passes through all the correct guides on the child seat. Some seats have an alternative routing if the seat belt is too short to go around the main route.

4. Push your weight into the child seat as you tighten the seat belt to make sure the child seat is securely held. There should be no slack in the seat belt.

5. The child seat should rest firmly on the car seat, with hardly any forwards or sideways movement.
Check that the seatbelt buckle is not resting on the child seat frame.

Never modify the seat or adult seatbelt to make it fit.

If you are fitting a forward-facing child seat in the front of a car, make sure the car seat is as far back as it will go, so the child is as far as possible from the dashboard.

And one last thing: Don't you never stare at my legss or Marcos will know this!!! Have good luck.

bootyshake

28 Nov 2009

By "devil" do you mean:

* Some influence to do the wrong thing?

* Devil whiskey?

* A fallen angel?

* A red woman with horns, a tail, and a pitchfork?

Now my point is that millions of people for thousands of years have belived in a devil, be it satan or otherwise. According to my theory, satan could have been created in the astral plane, like in the pic below. What do you think of my theory because it would be quite nice to know, Mr. Shameless. This is what I found after a hard day at work.

28 Nov 2009

Yeah, Shameless, that's right. Everyone needs a pussy, and so do we.

28 Nov 2009

This wonderful shot while sleeping.

Wearing a pink panty for me to see

She never fasten the seat belt

28 Nov 2009

The areola is described as any small circular area such as the colored skin surrounding the nipple. The human female areola varies in size among women and pregnant and non-pregnant women.

Sexually mature women may range up to 100 mm (4 in) or more in diameter, with average sizes around 30 mm (1.2 in). The areolae of women who are lactating or who have particularly large breasts may be even larger.

I'd like one for me to lick, along with a puffy nipple.

28 Nov 2009

As Rocco and Shameless had a lot of difficulties trying to fix this stuff about constant pop up porn in their computers, see what happens...

28 Nov 2009

Oh, Rocco will feel bad -ashammed- as seeing last pic, for having rejected my gift offer, ha, ha, ha!!

28 Nov 2009

A man is at his lawyer’s funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man’s funeral?” A man turns towards him and says, “We’re all clients.” “And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”

“No, we came to make sure he was dead.”

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Cardiology

Doctor's Funeral

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked:

"Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

&&&&&&&&&

Well, I myself figure it out a mock up of a vagina, Mr. Shameless, ha, ha, ha!!! Would you like to become a gynecologist yourself, or an electrician instead?

28 Nov 2009

Here's more, Shameless. How do you like this?

27 Nov 2009

I frequently watch Judge Joe Brown court room cases and Jude Judy as well. I had just heard a case on Joe Brown's case, then shifted to Jude Judy, and found this:

Whoever doesn't love the beatles has serious problems and need to get over it and crank up hey jude real loud! I feel better after listening to the Beatles.

27 Nov 2009

27 Nov 2009

I'm grateful if my last story post was approved by Rocco. You can pick up your present...

Either this one...

...or this one...

"This was the day where I lost my job for smoking"

27 Nov 2009

The Dog Funeral

Rocco lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Rocco goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"

The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."

"Thanks," says Rocco. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

27 Nov 2009

Blow up doll

A man went to purchase a “Blow up Doll” with blond hair and a big fanny. When he got it home and blew it up, it had a bald head and a 10” inch ****.

He took it back to the shop and called the owner a dumb cunt. The owner replied, you are the dumb cunt, it’s inside out.

%%%%%%%%%%%%

More blow up doll

A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?'
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

%%%%%%%%

Well, I myself like automatic blow ones

help

help

Rocco -Italian name- to Sarah

Marcos minister...

27 Nov 2009

I'll ask my wife to dress up like that so I'll have my own blow up doll at home. permanently. No one will borrow it!! They´re too expensive at a sex shop in Merida... or have to do this. Look pic below, please.

Marcos exits sex shop with 'blow up moll'.

26 Nov 2009

Fear of the number 13: A morbid fear of the number 13. Also known as triskaidekaphobia. Written reference to the superstitious fear of the number thirteen dates to the late 1800s. The term triskaidekaphobia first appeared in the early 1900s. It was derived from treiskaideka, the Greek word for thirteen + phobia, fear of = a fear of thirteen.

&&&&&&&&&&&

A guy struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you, anyway?" the guy asked.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen? Thirteen!? My God, Girl! Get your clothes back on at once and get the hell out of here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.

Pausing at the door as she left, the girl smiled. "Superstitious, huh?"

26 Nov 2009

Don't you worry, Primal. Once you've got this mastered, you can try it on two.

26 Nov 2009

Well, Shameless009, and Rocco. This is Marcos -Spanish name. You can now take a look inside the whorehouse. No pic allowed outdoors, sorry.

I couldn't beleive last week I was in Spain a little place called Cabo Roig bout 1/2 an hour from Alicante. It was our first night and about 2am we then saw a place flashing club ah a night club called Skala Club so we thought.

Upon entering loads of gorgeous women just descended on us (I thought I'd died and gone to heaven). All of them were early twenties and stunning not only that they were grabbing my cock saying you want me to suck .. What does a man do after a couple o drinks. I thought ah what the hell 65 euros for 30 minutes of heaven and how right I was blow job numerous positions and all with the fittest bird.

Needless to say I went back on the last night of the holiday and that was even better. So clean as well, apparently the girls are checked every month , the sheets are changed every time used, washing for both before.

I always swore I'd never pay for it ...But no regrets. Sorry, Rocco and Shameless009: this spanish whorehouse was raided last night, and 12 girls arrested, along with the one in the bath tube above.

25 Nov 2009

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the cinema."

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!" Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Madge says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

&&&&&&&&&&

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

&&&&&&&&&

Match each joke with a photo. Explain.

23 Nov 2009

Yeah, I know that plant to heal pain caused by chark bite.

23 Nov 2009

To HoneyBee: Sex on horseback _______________ .
Sex with a horse _________________ .

21 Nov 2009

Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

Q. How would you call sex on a bycicle? A. .............

Ok buddies, find a name for it.

21 Nov 2009

Bad Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like miniature handcuffs....."

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

%%%%%%%%%

A principle is a basic generalization that is accepted as true and that can be used as a basis for reasoning or conduct; "Marcos' principles... some of them here below.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

21 Nov 2009

An internal ring of smooth muscle formed by circular fibers of the rectum.

&&&&&&&

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."

&&&&&&&&

'No, no, Professor- I said 'Show me URANUS!'