Active Ink Slinger
Yeah, that's the only thing you can make out of it. A boomeran would be shaped differently: it's the closest to the picture.
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marcosurbina
Over 90 days ago
Male, 75
Mexico
Forum
Active Ink Slinger
Parachute Jumping
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked:
"How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
%%%%%%%%%
What Kind of Tracks Are They?
Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
%%%%%%%%%%%%
Blondes lock their keys in the car
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously:
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked:
"How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
%%%%%%%%%
What Kind of Tracks Are They?
Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
%%%%%%%%%%%%
Blondes lock their keys in the car
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously:
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Active Ink Slinger
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
Active Ink Slinger
This kept happening on this road, so a traffic sign was necessary to warn truckers.
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
Active Ink Slinger
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said: "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
&&&&&&&&&&
Could you guess what was left over here? Perhaps one bridge section?
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
&&&&&&&&&&
Could you guess what was left over here? Perhaps one bridge section?
Active Ink Slinger
Son of a Bitch
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight. Three plus four, that son of a bitch is seven….”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight. Three plus four, that son of a bitch is seven….”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
Active Ink Slinger
At an airport of one of the cities belonging to the former Iron Curtain -Communist Eastern Countries- a spy trying to escape - running away - from Russian Secret Police KGB, was about to get caught, and runs into a nun in the street. This spy requests the nun to hide him under her habit so would pass unnoticed to pursuers. She accepted.
Later on, the nun was question by the hunters: if she had seen this guy, providing a picture or description of individual.
“Negative, no, sir, I haven’t” she replied.
These men were not a threat any more, had left, and the spy guy gets out from under the nun’s habit, and then takes place this conversation. He says:
“Oh, I’m so thankful, sister. You’ve saved me off capture, indeed.”
Sister: “A pleasure, my son.”
Spy: “I must say, sister, you are the owner of such good legs. Did you notice as I kissed your calf?”
Nun: “Certainly, my son, I did.”
Spy: “Did you feel how I kissed –print- that kiss in your legs just a little below your knee?”
Nun: “Yeah, son.”
Spy: “Did you notice how I began to go up your legs, then up to your thighs?
Nun: “Yes, son.”
Spy: Have you wondered what had happened if I kept going up your legs, kissing and kissing?”
Nun: “Yes, motherfucker! Surely you had kissed my balls as well. Don’t you see I’m a spy too?”
Later on, the nun was question by the hunters: if she had seen this guy, providing a picture or description of individual.
“Negative, no, sir, I haven’t” she replied.
These men were not a threat any more, had left, and the spy guy gets out from under the nun’s habit, and then takes place this conversation. He says:
“Oh, I’m so thankful, sister. You’ve saved me off capture, indeed.”
Sister: “A pleasure, my son.”
Spy: “I must say, sister, you are the owner of such good legs. Did you notice as I kissed your calf?”
Nun: “Certainly, my son, I did.”
Spy: “Did you feel how I kissed –print- that kiss in your legs just a little below your knee?”
Nun: “Yeah, son.”
Spy: “Did you notice how I began to go up your legs, then up to your thighs?
Nun: “Yes, son.”
Spy: Have you wondered what had happened if I kept going up your legs, kissing and kissing?”
Nun: “Yes, motherfucker! Surely you had kissed my balls as well. Don’t you see I’m a spy too?”
Active Ink Slinger
María, my fiance María Rodríguez, during warm up
Yeah, and I'm still dreaming, Chef: And I've got no game so at the end I'm alone, practicing my forehand stroke, handjob.
Active Ink Slinger
There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years. One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a woman in my life."
So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars. He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What are you doing?" the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!"
Come on, you're gonna stripp off your clothes tonight, it's a deal.
So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars. He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What are you doing?" the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!"
Come on, you're gonna stripp off your clothes tonight, it's a deal.
Active Ink Slinger
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."
%%
Well, the apartment manager had laid down this guy's wife too, to my opinion. What do you come up with, Rocco?
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."
%%
Well, the apartment manager had laid down this guy's wife too, to my opinion. What do you come up with, Rocco?
Active Ink Slinger
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere!
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"
At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said:
"I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere!
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"
At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said:
"I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
Active Ink Slinger
A car’s doctor breaks down one night in the middle of a storm. He’s lost in a country road. This doctor suddenly spots a dim light far away, means somebody who lives in that house could give him a hand, so he makes it there. He finds a lot of people crowding into the house, weeping while saying: “She’s dying, oh, our wonderful petite is dying!!”
He’s a doctor, so feels obliged to examine the young woman in problems. This girl appeared to be a gorgeous chick, a brunnette exhibing her goods, and doctor asks everybody to leave the room to examine her, by listening to the girl’s chests, lungs… and make –issue- a diagnosis.
He finally comes up with results of his analisys, and says: “this girl is tremendously hot. Perhaps her hot botton. It’s necessary hers get fucked right away or she’ll die soon.”
To this declaration or testimony, the family breaks into a scandal -they’re shocked- for this doctor’s absurdity, irrationality, would be a bad example. The doctor sill sticks to his diagnose, time’s running, so the girls’ fiance is called upon, and of course, he spends the whole night fucking her.
Next morning the young girl is healed, she gets off bed, and is already walking fresh as a lecctuce. The family is so grateful that wish to pay back a favor: helped the doctor to get his car back on the road.
A year later, the physician is driving along the same path of road, and stops to say hi, but the family is morning for someone. “Oh, God, our grampha has just died!” they say.
Doctor: “Did you call up a doctor, any medical treatment?”
To this they replied:
“Oh, yes, of course. The whole town fucked him as hell... but… it was useless!”
He’s a doctor, so feels obliged to examine the young woman in problems. This girl appeared to be a gorgeous chick, a brunnette exhibing her goods, and doctor asks everybody to leave the room to examine her, by listening to the girl’s chests, lungs… and make –issue- a diagnosis.
He finally comes up with results of his analisys, and says: “this girl is tremendously hot. Perhaps her hot botton. It’s necessary hers get fucked right away or she’ll die soon.”
To this declaration or testimony, the family breaks into a scandal -they’re shocked- for this doctor’s absurdity, irrationality, would be a bad example. The doctor sill sticks to his diagnose, time’s running, so the girls’ fiance is called upon, and of course, he spends the whole night fucking her.
Next morning the young girl is healed, she gets off bed, and is already walking fresh as a lecctuce. The family is so grateful that wish to pay back a favor: helped the doctor to get his car back on the road.
A year later, the physician is driving along the same path of road, and stops to say hi, but the family is morning for someone. “Oh, God, our grampha has just died!” they say.
Doctor: “Did you call up a doctor, any medical treatment?”
To this they replied:
“Oh, yes, of course. The whole town fucked him as hell... but… it was useless!”
Active Ink Slinger
I damaged my van roof by owning a Satellite Dish, Rocco. I had to kill the rust by painting this van yellow.
Have you ever wondered how I installed this satellite dish on my van roof? The reason I do this is because a satellite dish needs a clear line of sight, which means no trees in the way –I move my van- or any other obstruction, so I put the dish up as high as possible. But how do I make it stay on my van roof? The process may surprise you:
I pulled out my ladder and satellite equipment and climbed right up on van. The next thing I did was to take out the dish mount and a drill to bolt the mount to the roof. Hold it right there! Finally, I’m sealing the roof and bolts with water resistant tar.
Have you ever wondered how I installed this satellite dish on my van roof? The reason I do this is because a satellite dish needs a clear line of sight, which means no trees in the way –I move my van- or any other obstruction, so I put the dish up as high as possible. But how do I make it stay on my van roof? The process may surprise you:
I pulled out my ladder and satellite equipment and climbed right up on van. The next thing I did was to take out the dish mount and a drill to bolt the mount to the roof. Hold it right there! Finally, I’m sealing the roof and bolts with water resistant tar.
Active Ink Slinger
There is a big room with four corners. In the first corner, you find Superman. In the second corner you find Batman. In the third corner you find Spiderman. And in the fourth corner you find a gorgeous, extremely intelligent, 100% natural blonde woman with a ultra-thin magazine-model figure. In the center of the room there is a pot of gold. Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: None, because none of these characters exist.
A: None, because none of these characters exist.
Active Ink Slinger
Thank you, Nicola and tipzee23. Please, tell me if you can what's the point here, you get it. I've just made up this joke which probably will need some enhancement to add up. My satellite dish on van will help me, ja, ja!!
Dynamic Duo
Batman and Robin were to a party having a good time with Super Friends Superman, Super girl, Spiderman, Batwoman, The Fantastic 4’s plush other Super Heroes. Party is over; time to go home, but Batman is too drunk as hell. He talks to Robin:
Batman: “Oh, Robin, I don’t worth a shit drunken like this. Please, you drive home this time, even though you don’t have a driver’s license.”
To this request, Robin climbs at the wheel in the Batmovile. It’s his first time driving this high powered car, so he’s excited indeed, and engages low gear, then through different rate speed, shifting gear in the shift stick madly, up to high. They finally get to this Bat – cave and Batman asks Robin:
“Robin, please, kiss me now.”
Robin: “What’s the matter, pal? That liquor - beer- is affecting your nerves? You were a nervous Nellie before getting to that party, man!”
Batman: “You don’t play stupid here, Robin as you know this batmovil is equipped with automatic transmission, and gear lever is gone!”
Dynamic Duo
Batman and Robin were to a party having a good time with Super Friends Superman, Super girl, Spiderman, Batwoman, The Fantastic 4’s plush other Super Heroes. Party is over; time to go home, but Batman is too drunk as hell. He talks to Robin:
Batman: “Oh, Robin, I don’t worth a shit drunken like this. Please, you drive home this time, even though you don’t have a driver’s license.”
To this request, Robin climbs at the wheel in the Batmovile. It’s his first time driving this high powered car, so he’s excited indeed, and engages low gear, then through different rate speed, shifting gear in the shift stick madly, up to high. They finally get to this Bat – cave and Batman asks Robin:
“Robin, please, kiss me now.”
Robin: “What’s the matter, pal? That liquor - beer- is affecting your nerves? You were a nervous Nellie before getting to that party, man!”
Batman: “You don’t play stupid here, Robin as you know this batmovil is equipped with automatic transmission, and gear lever is gone!”
Active Ink Slinger
Watch out Pam, on what I might be thinking before marrying you.
Active Ink Slinger
Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend:
"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman. Robin ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
"Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman. Robin ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
"Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Active Ink Slinger
Mack Trucks has built its brand and reputation around a famous tagline: "Built like a Mack truck." Its recognizable bulldog logo likewise reflects the strength and durability the company's heavy-duty trucks are known for. Mack Trucks is one of North America's largest makers of trucks that engage in construction, heavy hauling, highway, and refuse work. It was founded in 1900 as Mack Brothers Company.
Active Ink Slinger
When you absolutely have to have sex and there is no contraception around, just take it in the ass. It may not be the most comfortable thing in the world, but it will hurt a whole lot less than squeezing a newborn out of your crotch ninen months later.
Active Ink Slinger
Heil Hittler!
Too frozen outside. Is this some kind of a refrigerator?
Active Ink Slinger
Loading will take just a few seconds, wait. Vandalize the wall just for nothing?
Active Ink Slinger
IMAGE REMOVED BY ADMIN
Hey! Watch it Buster!
Husband and milk
Hey! Watch it Buster!
Husband and milk