I swallowed hard as we walked up to the door we were looking for. Lisa was clutching my hand tightly; she had grabbed it as soon as she could after we got out of the car and her grip had got tighter with every step.

Taking both her hands and looking into her eyes, I asked, “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she replied, quietly at first and then she steeled herself; pushing her shoulders back she repeated, “Yes.”

I raised my hand, clenched the knocker and pulled it back.

+++

It had been a long six months, starting with the night Lisa had told me she was going out for a business meal with the toe rag Mitch. There was a lot of fallout from that night, a lot of broken trust, but also some broken walls.

It turned out that we both had deep-seated issues, nothing major but working together were enough to unsettle the bliss we had been accustomed to. Lisa had not trusted me enough to demand we find a way to meet her needs. She also hadn’t trusted me enough to talk about what Mitch was hinting at before the damage was done.

This was built upon her perception of my feelings about her needs and my failure to be able to cross the line to even try a little of the lifestyle she needed. She thought that I was disrespecting her with my laughter when I was laughing at my own failure. Lisa now understood that this was more about my nerves than anything else.

Then when Mitch started wheedling into her psyche over a couple of years, everything went to shit. Effectively he found the one tiny chip in her armour around our marriage. She was like a frog being boiled, Mitch kept turning up the heat, little by little, and Lisa didn’t notice the change until she was nearly cooked and I pulled her from the pan.

Of some of the discussions we had before, I did not trust myself to look after Lisa’s needs, it was an alien way of life for me and I did not trust her to guide me. I had seen it as a bit of game and not realised quite how much it was a part of her. Then when everything had come out that night my absolute trust in her fidelity was shattered. All that remained were a million tiny reflections lying in shards like a broken mirror across the floor of our marriage.

We were desperate. Desperately in love and desperate to save our marriage and our relationship. We are deeper than soul mates, we are twin flames. It is that connection that drove us to save us.

+++

When we first met, we barely realised the other was in the room. It was a quick introduction and then we carried on our own discussions with our own crowds. However, the following day I could have sworn I had said or done something wrong or I had started something but not finished it. Whatever it was, I just could not put my finger on it. Summer passed and I went off to start a postgraduate course and Lisa went to a different university to start her undergraduate one.

The term flew by, meeting new friends both in the class and in my books and before I knew it, I was returning home for the Christmas break. I met with my friends a few times and on Christmas eve we headed out to the pub. We bumped into Lisa and her crowd, there was dancing and talking and drinking and laughing. When we were all kicked out of the pub, there were kisses and handshakes goodnight, wishing everyone a happy Christmas as we went our separate ways. The following morning, I woke up feeling like a rat had died in my mouth. It was not from the alcohol the previous night, I had not had that much. It was that feeling again, something unfinished, left unsaid.

New Year’s Eve came around and the same crowds at the same pub only with a much more party-like atmosphere. Every year it was an unofficial fancy dress party, my crowd had decided on characters from Alice in Wonderland and I had gone as the Mad Hatter. Then I saw her, suddenly I knew what had not been finished. Lisa was dressed as a cat, she had a skin-tight bodysuit on, she had painted a nose and whiskers on and was wearing a pair of ears and a tail and of course a collar. She also had on a pair of wrist cuffs with a clip, I found those curious but did not realise the significance of them or the collar until many years later.

“Good evening, Mr Hatter, sir,” she said to me as we got closer

“Hello there, Kitty-Cat,” I replied, which elicited a giggle from her.

That night, without even thinking about it, we broke away from our crowds a little. We danced a little, but not a lot, it seemed we wanted to talk more. Some people tried to cut in, some people asked both of us to dance, far more requests for Lisa of course. She turned them all down and I reciprocated. At one point I went to get us some drinks and while waiting, I felt someone put their arm through mine. When I looked around, Lisa was standing there, looking up at me, smiling. She asked if we could go outside to talk and when there, she explained that some guy had been pestering her. When she felt me tense up, she stroked my arm; I will never forget her words.

“No one will hassle me when we are together,” she said while looking up and smiling at me.

This was the first time she had voiced her trust in me; it was not her last. It still winds me up, six months later, that that shit, Mitch, had found the zero-point-one per cent, possibly zero-point-zero-one per cent, of a gap in our trust and got his finger in there and pulled it wide open.

Midnight approached, the music from inside the pub stopped and the countdown started. We remained sitting on the bench, facing each other and counting quietly. When we reached zero, we leant in, I put my hands on her knees and they slowly slid higher as our faces got closer. Our lips touched and I felt a spark, I knew after all the talk and our lips touching, I needed more. I didn’t intend on taking Lisa to bed that night, but I knew I had to know more about her. My hands reached her hips and I pulled her towards me and opened my mouth.

Such sadness filled Lisa’s eyes in that instant. She broke off from the kiss, pulling her head back, she did not pull her body away from me though. As I went to speak, she held three fingers over my lips.

“Peter,” she started, “I can’t. Not now.” A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek which I wiped away with my thumb. I then sucked my thumb dry.

“I have... I am…”

I rubbed her arm and said, “It’s okay, take your time.”

After a pause, she said, “I’m in a relationship at college. If I wasn’t, I would love to kiss you more and talk more and who knows.”

She looked down and then up at me, screwing up her eyes in obvious thought.

“First off, relax. If you’re in a relationship, then we can’t go further, it’s simple. I trust that we can be friends though.” I was holding her hands now and she squeezed mine back, as I squeezed hers.
Lisa looked me in the eyes, obviously sad, but gave a little smile and said, “Thank you.”

Although we had not had snow yet that winter, unlike the Midlands and further north, it was still cold. We had not noticed it while we had been talking, but now we both shivered. I’m not ashamed to say that I sneaked a look at Lisa’s chest and saw the material of her outfit start to strain a little more.

I took her hand and as I stood up, said, “Come on, Kitty-Cat, let’s go and do the rounds.”

Lisa didn’t say anything, she just smiled.

We went back inside to wish all our friends and other random people a happy New Year. When we got inside, Lisa hooked her arm in mine once again. Finally, around three in the morning we left the pub, Lisa was still clinging to my arm.

“Can I walk you home?” I asked.

“Please,” she replied.

We got together a few more times before we had to return to our universities. It was the early nineties; mobile phones had just launched on commercial networks in Europe. Email, in any way like we know today, was still a few years away. So, we did something rarely heard of today and put pen to paper and wrote to each other regularly.

Easter came and went, followed by exams and the year was over. Once again it was to the King’s Head, our local pub to meet up with my friends. I was sitting on ‘our’ bench chatting, sitting next to me was one of the girls from our crowd. I looked up and saw Lisa walking across the car park. She locked eyes with me and then looked to my right and faltered. As she was doing this, I was standing to greet her which presented her with a bit of a fait accompli. It confused the hell out of me, we had got on like a house on fire when we met over Easter and Lisa’s last letter ended saying how much she was looking forward to seeing me.

I suddenly knew how the gunfighters in the Old West felt. The two of us facing each other down the dusty main street. Spectators either side, watching, wondering who would draw first, who would lay bleeding when the day was done.

Something was wrong, rather than angling to meet her at the door, I walked straight to her. As I got to Lisa, I took her elbow and guided her across the road to the common.

“Something’s up,” I said as we started to walk along the edge of the trees. It was more a statement than a question.

Lisa stopped and turned to face me, putting a hand on my chest, she asked, “Won’t your girlfriend mind?”

“Okay, if ever a girlfriend could not accept our friendship, it would be a deal-breaker.” I took her hands in one of mine and then lifted her chin.

Looking her in the eye, I said, “A deal-breaker for her. We have not known each other long, but you are part of my life, which makes you part of the package.

“In the short time since we met, I feel we’ve developed a deep and meaningful friendship already. The time we have spent together during holidays, the letters back and forth, discovering a little more about you with every letter spoken and written.

“Here’s the important bit, Lisa,” I paused for effect. “My girlfriend…”

“Yes?”

“She doesn’t exist.”

“But…” Lisa looked over to the pub, I think more specifically to where I had been sitting.

Slowly but surely the penny dropped. “Oh, Annie? Oh god no! She’s just one of my crowd. I mean, she’s lovely and if anyone hurt her, I’d be more than happy to tear them a new one. But, no, we’re just mates.”

Lisa visibly relaxed, that is until I tossed her question back at her. “Won’t your boyfriend mind?”

She looked down and when she looked back up, she was biting her lip. There was a glint in her eye that, over time, I learnt was full of mischief. Then she swallowed and looked deadly serious, it was like a veil had been dropped over her face.

“I was hoping to see you today, if not today, soon. When we talked on New Year’s Eve, I said if I wasn’t in a relationship…”

I cut her off thinking I had put my foot in it. “Oh shit! I am so sorry, I just assumed.”

“Assumed? Assumed what?”

“That when you said relationship, I assumed it was a boyfriend.”

She giggled and then said, “I can’t say I haven’t been curious, but no, you were right, it was a boyfriend.”

When I didn’t react, she repeated and emphasised one word, “Was…” she then paused to let it sink in.

“If I wasn’t in a relationship…” I cut her off again, but this time I did it by putting a hand either side of her face and leant down, closer and closer. This time Lisa didn’t put any fingers on my lips to stop me or pull away. This time our lips touched, her eyes closed, and I felt one hand on the back of my neck and the other on my cheek.

It was a gentle kiss, but it was perfect, it was another connection between us. When we broke off, Lisa was smiling, but also looked quite nervous. I felt like I had changed from the Mad Hatter at New Year, to the Cheshire Cat, my grin was that wide. Then we heard cheering and banging coming from the pub and when we looked over, it was my crowd that were the culprits. Cheering, raising glasses and banging their hands on the bench; all while looking at us.

“My mum and dad are having a barbecue today. There’s always loads to eat, would you like to come for dinner?” Lisa asked.

“Sounds good, I’ll just call my mum and let her know.”

When we got close to the pub again, my friends were clapping and one of them said, “About bloody time! You two have been the best couple I know for the last year, glad you caught up, finally.”

While he laughed and slapped my shoulder someone else was asking Lisa what she wanted to drink, but rather than say anything, she looked to me.

“Oh, we’re not hanging about. Just going to call mum and let her know I won’t be home. Lisa’s parents are having a barby.”

“Oops! Meeting the parents already? Well no point hanging about, rip that plaster off,” he said laughing as he stretched and emphasised ‘rip’.

+++

Those words, ‘rip that plaster off’, were ringing in my head now, as I rapped on the door with the heavy cast-iron knocker.

I hadn’t noticed the speaker at the side of the door until it spoke, “Hello.”

“Lisa and Peter, we have an appointment with Mike.”

“Come in, come to the first-floor reception.”

The door clicked and I pushed it open and stepped through, having a quick look around before allowing Lisa to enter.

+++

I was surprised when we got to Lisa’s house. Her parents were both extremely welcoming but also seemed to know a lot about me. It seemed that this was not the first time my name had been mentioned. I got on well with them from that first day and now look at them almost as surrogate parents.

After the barbecue at Lisa’s house, we spent most of that summer together. We slotted into each other’s crowds easily and my parents fell in love with her, I was definitely pushed down the pecking order at home. Before long the summer was over. I closed the door to her car, ready for her to set off for her second year at university. As I did so, her hand shot to her mouth and she quickly got out again.

Lisa pulled me close into a tight hug and I leant down for one more kiss before she left, but she dodged my lips and put her mouth to my ear and whispered, “I’m so sorry, P.”

She had started to call me ‘P’ at Easter. After the first time she called me it in public, someone else followed suit, well if looks could kill… That was the last time anyone other than Lisa called me P for a long time. I found it quite cute, especially as she was still in a relationship with someone else then. Now that single letter had turned into a possessive noun. Even as those thoughts crossed my mind, I had no idea of the implications they may have a couple of years or decades later.

“Sorry for what?”

She looked embarrassed and whispered, “We didn’t make love. I wanted to give myself to you.”

We hadn’t, it just hadn’t happened. There had been long sessions of kissing and cuddling, talking and tickling, plenty of groping and we had brought each other off with hands and mouths. For one reason or other, be it parents arriving home early or suggesting I walk Lisa home or any number of things we just had not got around to it. It had been a crazy, exciting, busy summer.

“You did, Lisa. In every way except that one.”

“But I don’t want you to… I don’t want anyone else to…” Lisa struggled to finish off what she was trying to say.

“You don’t want me to be with anyone else?”

She nodded and said, “Sorry, I don’t share well.”

“Okay,” I replied with a shrug.

Lisa just looked at me not knowing what to say.

“Look, maybe we should have said something, but I thought we were girlfriend and boyfriend.” Lisa nodded. “So, then it is just you and me. That’s what I was thinking anyway.”

I took hold of her chin and held it so we were looking each other in the eye and quietly, but without leaving any room for doubt that I was serious, I said, “Kitty-Cat, I don’t share, at all.”

It was her turn for a grin to split her face as she pulled me into a deep passionate kiss.

A few weeks later, it was Lisa’s birthday and I ducked my Friday afternoon lectures and set out on the long drive from Durham in the North East to Penryn in Cornwall. I thought it would take about eight or nine hours plus a couple of half-hour breaks. I reconfirmed why we did not do more than write to each other; it took fourteen and a half hours once I got there. I arrived just after midnight on the morning of Lisa’s birthday.

It was with trepidation that I knocked. I knew that in Durham either we would be still up or maybe not even back from the pub at this time on a Friday. I had no idea of what Lisa and her housemates might be up to. Yes, they went to the pub or student union bar and events that were held around the university and town. Lisa was also a member of the art club here, though I knew those meetings were on a Wednesday night. She had never mentioned night clubs and she had spoken about cliff walks some weekends.

The door opened a crack. “Hello?”

“Er, hi. Is Lisa in?”

There was no response, until I said, “I’m Peter.”

The door closed and I heard the security chain being taken off, then it swung wide and I was greeted by a delightful smile.

“Oh my goodness,” she said, “Lisa didn’t mention you were coming. Come in, come in.”

She showed me through to a small living room. “Please, take a seat, would you like a drink?”

“I’d love to see Lisa,” I responded.

“Oh, yes, sorry, she’s not back yet. I’m sure she won’t be long if she’s expecting you, she’s out celebrating her birthday.”

I sighed as I said, “She’s not expecting me, I was going to surprise her for her birthday.”

We soon settled into conversation. Rachel had not gone out as she wasn’t too crazy on some of the people that were trying to edge into their group of friends. She also had to resit of one of her exams the following day, so last-minute revision was the perfect excuse.

Just as I was going to ask what pub or club they may have gone to, we heard voices outside. Rachel got up and opened the curtain a crack. To me, the voices could have been drunk people all trying to talk over the next or they could be arguing.

She looked back at me and said, “It’s Lisa, but some of those others are with her.”

I immediately stood up and went to the front door, barely registering Rachel saying that I should wait. I opened the door and stepped out. Lisa was there with three men and one other woman.

“No, I’m not going to the club,” I heard Lisa say.

“Aww come on, it’s your birthday,” said one of the men.

I saw one of the other men put his arm around Lisa, but this was soon thrown off as Lisa turned to him and said, “Stop! I’ve told you; I have a boyfriend.”

“But he’s up in Durham, how will he know.”

I took one step and froze as Lisa turned to him and ran her hands up his chest. She took hold of his lapels and pulled them so that he leant down to her face.

“You know, you’re right, he’ll never know.” Even in the dim light, I could see his smirk and I tensed.

“However,” Lisa put her hands flat on his chest again, “I’ll know!” She then pushed him away. “Just by suggesting I cheat on him, you disrespect him! You know what? Fuck off!” She whirled on the other girl and said, “I’m going in, are you coming or staying with… these.”

He grabbed her arm, as Lisa flung his hand off, I was striding toward them. She spoke almost so low that I couldn’t hear, “Don’t fucking touch me!”

“Come on Lisa…” started one of the other men, but he saw me walking toward the group over her shoulder. I think this was the first time I consciously registered that I loved Lisa.

“Evening miss, gents,” I said as I got closer.

Everyone turned to me, Lisa took one more look at the others and the look on her face when she looked back at me was quite scary. It was like she was wearing the ancient Greek theatre mask of Thalia and Melpomene when she looked back at me. From a scowl that could have melted lead, her face transformed, it was like the sun was shining from inside her.

“P!” she cried and took the final steps to me.

I gathered her into my arms, and we kissed, then we hugged and after a second kiss, Lisa whispered,

“Oh, god P, how do you know?”

The question struck me as odd, but I put this to the side for the moment. The girl had broken away from the three men, who were all facing me now. I leant down and kissed Lisa on the forehead before I stood erect, puffing up my chest, facing the three. With a ‘pfft’ and flick of the hand the one that had been trying to persuade Lisa turned and walked away.

She tugged on my arm and said, “Let’s go in.”

Rachel was standing at the door talking to the other girl, who it turned out was the third housemate, Emma. Lisa led me to the door and we followed the other two inside.

Rachel and Emma were like a pair of pre-teens, sitting on the edge of their chairs as they cross-examined me. This was a more intense questioning than when I had met Lisa’s family. Lisa was happy, tucked up next to me with her cup of hot chocolate. I had a hand around her shoulders, reaching down and rubbing, stroking her thigh casually as we talked. Lisa’s main contribution was elaborating where I tried to be modest and plenty of giggling.

At a break in the conversation, she sat upright and stroked my arm. “You must be tired, after that drive.”

“Erm yeah.” I looked at Rachel and Emma and asked, “Would you mind if I crashed on the sofa? I didn’t think to book anywhere.”

They both laughed as Lisa took my hand and pulled me after her, saying, “Come with me.”
I looked over my shoulder and smiled and waved at her housemates as I was dragged, oh so unwillingly from the room.

“My bag is in my car,” I said as we got to the bottom of the stairs.

“Hurry!”

I remember thinking she was being quite bossy, but it did make me smile as I ran to my car to get my bag from the boot. When I closed the door, I heard Lisa call from upstairs.

“Top of the stairs, on the right.”

Once I had closed the door and made sure it was secure, I climbed the stairs.

Thanks to cbears52 and ladyblue69 for proofreading and keeping me on this side of sanity.
Thank you to the moderators helping me getting this published
And thank you to everyone that reads, comments and/or votes.
All feedback is welcome, either in the comments or via a direct message.