Henry Exeter 5410 Montana Avenue Everheart, ND Dear Everheart Grourmet Subscriber: Welcome to my latest installment of the Everheart Gourmet Newsletter in which I inform the residents of Everheart of the ever-changing culinary offerings here in our fine community. After many requests, I can finally provide you with a full review of the gentlemen's supper club out by the train tracks: Tits and Tacos. Tits and Tacos serves...

Ms. Janet Tighty Director of Human Relations Everheart Farm Supply Everheart, ND Dear Ms. Tightly: My name is Anita Boning from the receivables department. You have asked me to explain in writing why I dumped a vase of water in the crotch of Mr. Jason Johnson. By this letter, I intend to explain what happened and show you I am the real victim in this case, and that if anyone should no longer be working for Everheart Farm...

Reverend James Hellenfyre First Purgatorian Church of God 2154 W. East Street Everheart ND Dear Reverend Helenfyre: This is May Bendoer. I am writing to explain what happened between me and Henry Longerson at the church picnic last week and ask that you let both of us back on the First Purgatorian Youth Leadership Council. I want to assure you that what happened at the picnic was a complete accident. Neither Henry nor I i...

Mr. John Strickland Attorney at Law 2564 Law Ave Everheart, ND Dear Mr. Strickland: Thank you for giving me my quarterly employment review. As your legal secretary and receptionist. I appreciate the effort you put into it and intend to take all of your recommendations for improvement to heart. You asked me to write you a letter in which I list and demonstrate my understanding of the office procedures we discussed. Startin...

Jane Gulpton 2354 Mill Street Cando, N.D My dearest sister Jane: Since my last letter, things have not gone well. I have been unable to find employment and my bank account is dwindling. Opportunities are not good here in Everheart and I think that what got me fired at the Dollar Store may have leaked out despite my manager’s promise that he would never speak of it. My cable bill is due in three days. I owe the guy who run...

Everheart Examiner Letters to the Editor Department 5487 N. South Street Everheart, ND Dear Editors: My name is Anna Hammergood. I am a regular reader of the Everheart Examiner and enjoy the paper very much. I am particularly fond of the humor section, but after reading for several years I have a bone to pick with your choice of jokes in the Joke of the Day column. Very often you print jokes about farmers' daughters or fa...

Agnes Moorehead Box 26 Flavor Road Everheart, ND Dear Agnes: You said if I wanted to see you anymore I had to send you flowers and write you a love letter. I sent Clyde Wormin over with some flowers I picked and I ain't much of a writer but this is my best try at a love letter. Agnes, I been smitten with you since the first time I seen you. I remember it like yesterday. Your daddy hired me to come to the farm and do day l...

NeEdna Smuthe 13 Rural Route 8 Cando, ND Dear Mom: I got moved into my student housing here in Everheart just fine and I am now fully enrolled in secretarial studies at Everheart Junior College. I got my place decorated real nice and my teachers are all good. My new roommate is named Felicia. She knows a lot because she grew up in Bismark. She is teaching me how to become popular with the boys at school by having sex with...

MEMO Donna Getenny - Chairman Women’s Council for the Preservation of Everheart City Park 1145 E. West Street Everheart, ND Re: The Summer Fundraiser Problem Dear Chairman Getenny, You asked me to investigate and report to you about the unfortunate occurrences at this year’s summer fundraiser for the preservation of Everheart City Park. This is my report and conclusions. As you well know now, in the spring, Mona Lott made...

Reverend Amos Handenpantz First Purgatorian Church 5521 Cowherd Street Everheart, ND Dear Reverend Handenpantz: I would like to thank you very much for your recent pastoral visit to my home after the unexpected death of my husband, Walter Ferguson. I had a wonderful life with Walter, and his tragic death left me empty inside. Without the support of my church and my community, I do not know how I would survive. When we wer...

John Abernathy Apartment Manager Excelsior Apartments 5896 North Madison Street Everheart, ND Dear Mr. Abernathy: I am writing to you as our apartment manager to complain about my next door neighbor, Fred Wilkins. Mr. Wilkins lives in Apartment 202, the one right next to mine, and his behavior of late has become irresponsible and reprehensible. It is time for management to take some action. The patios of my apartment and...

Acme Silicone Inserts 0321 Exner Street Oberon, Nebraska Ladies and Gentlemen: My name is Lydia Joozy. I am writing about your line of silicone companions for the discerning woman. I have been a satisfied customer of yours for many years, but find myself at a crossroads and hope you can help. When I left home to go to community college, my mother gave me my first silicone friend. It was the Rhett Butler model, produced by...

Letter # 2 Robert Baleful - Admissions Officer North Dakota State College 2560 Weston Street Cando, ND Re: Application of Jennifer Wakowski Dear Mr. Baleful: I am a math teacher and coach of the boys' track team at Everheart Community College and I write this letter of recommendation in support of Jennifer Wakowski's application to be admitted to the social services degree program at North Dakota State. Jennifer has been...

Manager Arby's Restaurant 2398 N. Myrtle Street Everheart, ND   Dear Arby's: My name is Amanda Featherbottom and I am writing to complain about what is going on at your Arby's restaurant located at 2398 N. Myrtle Street here in Everheart, North Dakota There are these two boys who come to your restaurant every day between 2:30 and 2:45 in the afternoon after they get off work at the chicken processing plant. One is named J...

Once upon a midnight beery, while I stressed out, drunk and weary,  In my one-room flat so dreary, a floor above a liquor store. As I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As if someone was gently rapping, rapping on my apartment door. “Some salesman,” I muttered, “knocking on my apartment door—             Only this, and nothing more.”   I recall the splendor of that snowy cold December  And distinctly I...