After getting caught spying on Ms. Pussy and her cheerleading squad in the showers after practice, Mr. Dick was suspended from Fantasy Memorial High for one week, which meant he could not quarterback the Ragin’ Erections in their big Homecoming rivalry game against East Cumshot. Ms. Pussy was still crowned Homecoming Queen. Her father, Daddy Cop, looking angry and embarrassed, chaperoned her at halftime. Ms. Pussy did not...

Halloween. We're wearing half-assed costumes. I'm SEX OFFENDER BATMAN. I have only the mask, with a sleazy trench coat. You're GUIDANCE COUNSELOR WONDER WOMAN; you have the tiara, bracelets and red boots, paired with a pencil skirt. We go to a Pumpkin Patch scare maze out in the county before hitting the party. Some dickhead Wolfman leaps out of the corn. I leap into action! BIFF! SOCK! POW! OOF! "Oh, fuck, sorry," I say....

I was moving across the country and staying at cheap roadside motels. Not the franchised ones, either, even cheaper and sleazier. The ones where you pay the check-in desk through bulletproof glass. I’m a single man and can take care of myself. One night I pulled over in Tucumcari, New Mexico, to a motel that looked like something out of No Country for Old Men. Whatever, it was $35 a night. Really. Can't beat that. I backe...

It's late morning. The early autumn sunshine is pouring in through my bedroom window. My sheets are flung back. I'm stroking my cock. It's big. Thick. Throbbing. I love the way it feels, slithering in my left hand. Oh, Maria. I'm moaning your name as my male excitement builds. Yes, Maria. Yes, yes, yes ... Pumping my dick up and down, up and down, up and down, fucking my hand for you, wishing you were there to see what yo...

My neighbor Katee sunbathes nude in her back yard, but it's October. I won't see her beautiful, big-titted body for six months. She sets out a white, ghosty pumpkin four days before Halloween, with winking eyes and an O-shaped mouth, adding saucy features each day. First, eyelashes. Then, lipstick. Finally a Sharpie word balloon: "COME HERE, BIG BOY." Halloween, after all the trick-or-treating is done, I sneak over to her...

It's the summer of 1988. I've been invited to spend a week at the beach with my friend, Mike, his sister Shaina, and his mother, Suzanne. It's a really cool experience, the first time I've gone on vacation with someone else's family. My friend's sister also brings her friend, Hayden. They're cheerleaders, practicing their dances and cheers poolside before grabbing their nostrils and doing a front flip in the deep end. We...

Around my 30th birthday, I decided to treat myself to an escort. A hooker. A prostitute. It had been about two years since my last serious girlfriend and I needed some energetic sex and fantasy without, frankly, spending all of the time dating and building up to the big bedtime. Fortunately, this was in the days when online personal ads were very reliable for connecting with independent hookers, depending on the location,...

It was 1993. I was living in my first off-campus apartment. My roommate and I moved in over the winter break. Shortly after, he started seeing someone, a smoking hot, big-titted, big, blown-out jet-black hair sorority girl bombshell named Drema. She started coming over to spend the night with him around March or so. It was agonizing to hear Drema fuck him and know I wasn’t the one giving it to her (I was also in a devasta...

"What were you doing up there?" Jane asked over the phone, very suggestively. It really caught me off guard because I know I kept things very quiet when I went upstairs in Jane's townhouse that weekend. I know I kept the sheets on her guest bed clean. I didn't leave a drop of cum or baby oil on your sheets, Jane, Scout's Honor! I had a towel under my ass to make sure there were no stains. The sound on my laptop was all th...

Jane’s lunch that day was a banana and a container of Yoplait strawberry yogurt. She ate it at her desk in her cubicle of the big pharma company where she worked in marketing and PR for its blockbuster dick drug. It was interesting work, certainly lucrative and very important to the company, although she rarely told others — especially men — what she worked on. A divorcee since she was thirty, who had been through several...

My job involves a lot of travel, and a lot of that travel takes me to college towns or, at least, cities that have very large universities, the kind that play big-time football. Let’s put it that way. As such, I have a deep expense account that reimburses me almost carte blanche for tabs at sports bars and strip clubs, now and then if I’m discreet and the name isn’t too obvious. I’m a frequent guest at Hooters, in other w...

About a year ago I was in a terrible car wreck with multiple traumatic injuries. Broken bones and burns, the worst on my hands, coming from trying to pull my friend from the car before rescue workers pulled me away and got her out safely. I was in the hospital for almost a month. There was practically nothing I could do all day except sit there and lay in bed with my bandaged hands and try to get some sleep, which wasn’t...

Valentine’s Day, 1994. Redondo Beach, California. When I got home from the dealership, my wife, Suzanne, was not there. Instead, there was a note on the kitchen island, written in her girly, flourished handwriting on a monogrammed note card, the ones she used for the thank-you notes after our wedding three years ago. “Happy Valentine’s Day, lovey!” it said. “Your gift is outside by the pool.” She punctuated the note with...

Kinky for me might be rather tame for some. I’m sort of a hot vanilla guy, you know, pretty conventional sex done with extra heat and production values, music, loud dirty talk, candles, outside, in a parking garage, in the hot tubs, maybe a little role-playing dialogue. I’ve had women watch me masturbate, and I’ve used toys on girls before, but really, nothing you can’t find in any porn magazine for sale in any respectabl...

We are in the dressing room, backstage at the Miss Texas pageant, 1987. You have changed into your sequined baton-twirler romper and go-go boots, with the fishnet stockings, and you’re shaking, trying to get yourself together before the talent competition. The other girls are all walking around in various states of undress, matter-of-factly, but they don’t care that I’m in there. I’m your stepfather. I’m actually not look...