Heatstroke-inspired fantasy of sun, heat, pool and a very willing deck toy, with a scoop of behind-the-scenes, first edit self-bashing humour. A director’s cut nobody asked for but everybody secretly wanted. Or not. Too late now. The longest heatwave on record, apparently. It certainly feels like that. It’s only 10 a.m. and the heat has already gone straight to my head. Today is a well-earned extra day off, and I refuse t...

“What the bloody hell have you bought again, woman?” My husband rolls his eyes as I haul my brobdingnagian bag of “essential” holiday purchases through the hall. “Summer goodies.” He goes through the tiki glasses, jam jars, flowery plates, gingham dress, ruffle skirts and several duck-in-wellies ornaments. Lastly, he holds up a set of knickers with nautical stripes and crustaceans. “What? Can’t I have crabs and lobsters o...

In his line of work, there was never a shortage of perfect peachy bottoms soaking up the sun in little string bikinis. Yet emerging from the sea, her steps had that bounce he was drawn to. The way she squeezed the water from her hair and stretched out on a lounger held his attention for long minutes. She adjusted her bikini bottom until the tiny strip of pink fabric disappeared between her cheeks. Someone could have drown...

(sung) Come Christmas, I’m always stone-broke, poor and penniless like the pet rat of the pope. So this year to save me from tears I signed up for something special. Cheap elf costume is what they provide But it seems I still catch your eye. Tell me, baby, do you recognise me? In this baggy, stripy disaster – it wouldn’t surprise me. “Just pull this top down a bit, like this: more cleavage, more cheap slut - more you. Voi...

"I woke up with an overwhelming craving to be bent over someone's knees, spanked red and raw and fingered till I'm begging for release - just to be denied over and over again. Then when I really cannot take any more, fucked hard into oblivion." His reply reminds me that today is the day when he's alone in a hotel room, three hours away, where I should have joined him if circumstances had allowed. "How am I supposed to get...

I knew it was bound to happen one day - to run into someone from the scene. But not in my most bizarre nightmare would he feature under these circumstances: My mildly dysfunctional but still kinda cute fam shopping for a roadtrip. Husband trying to keep the youngest from pressing the scales, me wrestling with the machine over an unrecognised fruit-pot, daughters arguing over some sweets. There he walks by, mouthing a casu...

His spell on me is broken. I stay still, frozen. I refuse to take instructions from anyone, especially from him. Even under current circumstances. It takes a lot more for this feral feline to be eating out of his hand. He can use me, we have established that, but he will not order me around. Even if he has this black-magic way with words that seep into my mind taking it on a delicious joyride. “Knickers off,” he repeats i...

Can someone please explain this whole lip-biting craze to me? It seems to be on every page of every book at the moment. And I hate it with a passion, probably because of the stupid Fifty Shades of Awfulness. What does it even represent? Is it meant to be flirting, suppressed lust, dirty thoughts or something else? Does anyone even do it in real life? I know I don’t. Although, I do chew my lips to shreds when being fucked...

Hubby's making lunch while I'm sunning outside, topless, chatting to my favourite couple from the Swinger site. “Ellie just sent me a picture of her husband teasing her nipples with an ice cube. Are you going to be a good boy and do the same?” Seconds later, he’s here spinning ice cubes in a glass of juice theatrically. “Show me that picture.” Happy to oblige. “Fuck me, those tits are amazing.” “Aren’t I a lucky girl to g...

What the hell am I doing? I’m in no state to drive this fucking car. But more disturbingly, I’m driving to him? Where are those marbles rolling again? They are all over the fucking shop. Whaaat? The ‘rebel one’ stares back at me from the passenger seat, nonchalantly playing with her cobalt hair, throwing her feet on the dashboard. We’re playing it safe, meeting him in public, aren’t we? What can go wrong? Like a hundred m...

For the last couple of months, for reasons I’m not going into much detail about, I have lost my mojo. Actually, let’s stop right there and change that word because I hate it. Mojo? It sounds like a toy, a gadget. I have lost much more than a playful little thing. What I have lost is my shine, my spirit. If I wanted to be completely honest, I’d say I have pretty much lost my will to live. Adulting, but particularly parenti...

“Look, the warrior princess is finally coming around.” The harsh baritone wakes my mind like basalt rock against a cheese grater. Every syllable is ripping out a handful of the paper-thin wall between sanity and echoing paracusias. Such a tiny little mistake... I walked right into that trap, didn’t I? The annoyed voice in my head is beating up my reckless, overconfident self mockingly, while another, more fragile ego pray...

I’m sure most of you know at least a little bit about BDSM by now. If nothing else, from the dubious Fifty Shades books. If you own a copy, please do the BDSM community and yourself a favour and burn it, toss it in the bin, use the pages to clean your windows or shred it for guinea pig bedding. I don’t care, but please, for the love of kink, please get rid of it. I’m not even going to get into why that book is so wrong; m...

I'm doing a quick midweek shop for stir-fry ingredients at my local supermarket, and when I can barely enter through the sea of red rose bouquets and a floor-to-ceiling display wall of lovey-dovey cards, I gag a little. I hate Valentine's Day with a passion. Then I remember what we have planned for it and quickly correct myself, grinning ear to ear self-righteously. There's nothing wrong with V-Day; it's these roses and c...

Even though I have my own account on the swinger site now, sometimes I log onto our joint one that my husband runs. This time, he wanted to show me a chat history with someone. I’m not sure what it was about or why he wanted me to read it, but for the sake of this story, it isn't important. I soon discover that I can’t have two different accounts open on my phone simultaneously, and as he keeps changing the password (been...