Kneeling in the silence of the cathedral, the nun was praying in her pew. “E Nomine Patri, et fili---” “Yawwwwwn,” crooned a loud dramatic, silence-disturbing voice. The nun clenched her teeth and prayed louder. “Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy …” “Penis, the holy staff I honor, for all my days and long wet nights, I swear to always swallow--” The nun whipped her rosary around toward the voice. “Shut. Up,”...

I’m normal. I swear. I work. I pay taxes. I’ve been in three serious relationships, one of which involved IKEA furniture and a shared dog. I make eye contact. I floss. But I’m into clown girls. It’s not a joke. It’s not a kink. It’s a burden. Once, one of my exes had a bad cold, nose all swollen and red, voice full of congestion. I had to excuse myself from the room with what was, objectively, the hardest erection of my l...

Blackberry sweet tea was set on the table in a glass pitcher. The early morning light caught the clink of the ice in the dark liquid like some bizarre prism. "She gon' land safe. She gon' land safe. I just know it, I swear 'fore god, she gon' land safe. Just gotta wait for her to get here. I made her tea, I made her tea, she gon be here for this tea. She gotta... she gon' be here for this tea." Mary paced as she rubbed he...

I sat at the kids table, sipping punch from an impossibly small cup when Pipsy the Clown entered. Her painted green smile hung from ear to ear and a small rubber ball clung for life at the tip of her nose. “Hello everyone! I'm Pipsy the clown!” The children roared in excitement, much the way children do after fortyfive minutes of sugar cookies. But then as Pipsy spoke, their wild electric energy suddenly quelled to silent...

Hey there Mister Clown,Been a while since you been ‘round.So glad you’re back in townDo you feel like foolin’ around? I’ve missed your private showswhere you show me your big nose.When I touch it, how it grows. When you blow how much it flows! A Man in makeup, is that your kink?My advice? lips need darker pink.Green on your eyelids, I’d rethink.Looks quite mouldy when you blink. Let me juggle your blue ballswhile you lay...

As the driver navigated the short distance to the circus ground, Ellen took the opportunity to re-touch her make up. She tilted her compact mirror this way and that as she reapplied her lipstick, powdered her face and aimed eye drops into her slightly reddened orbs until she was satisfied with her appearance. She remembered with a grimace how Bob’s heel had pressed against her leg but when she examined it, she was relieve...

It was three AM. I woke up to a sudden noise in the bed beside me. I opened my eyes and found Bonnie sitting next to me. “I can’t sleep,” she said. “Close your eyes,” I told her. “And count sheep…” “Please...” she told me. “I had a nightmare.” I sat up. Having a bad dream can have its effect on your whole day. I recalled all the stuff I read about it on the Internet. I turned on the lava lamp. Bonnie was covered with swea...

Each year the Lush City Council holds their annual Maze Race. The objective is to get through the maze the fastest to win the prize that year. This also comes with a catch - the maze changes each year and there are little traps and surprises that may pop up every now and then. If you can successfully avoid as many of these distractions as possible, you'll be just fine. Once you exit the maze, all information about the maz...